My friend has dementia. Her live-in boyfriend of 9 years is putting her in a memory care facility, which she doesn't agree to or know about.

I think putting someone in any kind of facility and disappearing for 3 months is not only cruel, unhealthy and negative, but it's irresponsible.  I find it difficult to believe any administration of any facility would recommend this.   I really doubt she'll become "better situated", but I would bet that she becomes more confused, frightened, and perhaps even rebellious.

I have some other unrelated concerns though, arising from his legal ability to place her.   This man may be a live-in BF, but has your friend created any powers of attorney for financial and medical actions?   Very importantly, WHO is paying for her stay?

I've often heard people here on the forum say they were given advice to stay away for a few weeks (not months), it's not something I personally would have ever agreed to do.

It depends on the individual, and on the individual going into memory care. Some friends and family can be very helpful in getting a new resident settled and encouraged and comforted, and others can be very disruptive - for example, if the relatives/partners become stressed, upset, tearful, then it's likely the resident will too.

Three months seems a long time. It's possible he was told that because whoever told him judged that after nine years he needed that much of a respite break!

If his partner normally or often becomes distressed when he goes out, then he shouldn't say goodbye, just hand over to a member of staff and slip discreetly out of the room. But if not, then a kiss, hug and "see you soon" are fine if that's what he normally does.

I think in general I'd be wary of a facility that lays down hard-and-fast rules about this. There is such a principle as person-centered care, and they should have heard of it.

Irwin2021, one thing to remember, a Memory Care facility will not accept a new resident unless the facility feels that person now needs around the clock care. Sounds like the sig-other was emotionally and physically drained from all the work.

As others have mentioned, the away time is usually 2-3 weeks. I have a feeling the sig-other missed heard the amount of time. That can happen when dealing with something overwhelming. Now he can once again be her boyfriend instead of her 24/7 caregiver.

Boyfriend wants out of the relationship. The three months statement makes that clear, because that's not what MC does. They suggest you don't visit for a short time, like a week, but never three months. His plan is to claim that after three months she didn't recognize him, so he's walking away.

Since they aren't married, he doesn't have responsibility of caring for her though, and unless she gave him power of attorney, he has no right to place her anywhere. The son needs to be contacted immediately.

I'd also make sure the son protects Mom's assets as well. The BF may clean out her house and bank accounts.

I would contact her son . This sounds cruel to me .

Yes but not 3 months! More like 2-3 WEEKS

I wonder who has the LEGAL authority to
1) Place her in Memory Care, or any facility for that matter.
2) Make Health care choices, and Financial choices for her.

Some facilities may have a policy that staying away for a few weeks the theory is that it is better for the new resident as they get to know staff and depend on them rather than their loved ones.
(It is funny when I put my Husband in the Memory Care facility for Respite they suggested that I stay with him to settle him down. Well that did not work at all he refused to settle down, go to bed, with me there all he wanted to do was leave. I left and I was told he wandered around a bit then settled down)
So there may not be a "one size fits all" approach to leaving a loved one.
I would talk to the son and make sure he is fully aware of the plan to place his mom. But after that ... (as Dear Abby would say MYOB) Mind your Own Business. You are not responsible for her.
You can visit as a friend, but visit only don't stir up a hornets nest. I would wait a week or 2 before visiting. (Please call first and ask about any restrictions on visiting. She may be in quarantine for 2 weeks or longer before she is allowed to mingle with other residents.)

Thinking about this more, I can see a much longer time before a visitor might be allowed. If she is in quarantine for 14 to 20 days before being allowed access to the facility she will have bonded with the caregivers during that time and she will have to learn to trust another group of people once again. So I can almost see an extended time period before allowing a loved one to visit. Not that this is what is happening in this situation but I can see it.

I have direct knowledge that unfortunately not only do people do this sometimes BUT the assisted living facilities are often a part of that when someone brings their loved one there who objects or doesn’t want to stay some assisted livings for the $$ they know they’ll get from admitting another resident often encourage the loved one to walk away and not have contact for a while. Some of them also go outside the law when a senior objects to staying the law is the person has to be on conservatorship to hold them there—- often times these facilities don’t ask the family member or whoever brings them in “is he/ she on conservatorship?” If the answer is no, the senior cannot be held there against their wishes- even having poa does not allow the forced admission of a senior who clearly states they don’t want to be there - poa covers medical issues but I’ve fact checked this with more than one attorney - an assisted living is not identified as a medical facility it’s not a skilled nursing or medical center. If someone has poa they have authority to admit them to necessary medical care but they don’t have authority to admit somejne to assisted living against their wishes unless they’re on conservatorship. Again the assisted livings often skip over this to have a person admitted- they’re pressured and encouraged and made to stay =$$

Everything sounded correct until '3 months'. Check in with him, or call the facility to confirm if that's what they said. I highly doubt it. Hearsay is not reliable!

But yes, it is better to walk away without a fuss. Saying goodbye just alerts the person and can create an emotional outpouring which is unnecessary.

I suppose this may seem mean or cruel to someone with no experience with dementia, but it is not. It's less emotion for everybody, and keeping dementia patient calm is a priority.

'Putting her' in a facility if she has dementia is probably the correct thing to do. If she doesn't agree or know about it, that says to me that she is unable to process that information cognitively, and that means it is the correct thing to do.

Depending on their relationship, he can start to visit her regularly, once she has settled in.

Again, not sure what the '3 months' was about. Either a mistake on his part or not the truth.