I don’t know how my former friend could call the APS on me and claim that I am abusing my mother when I got upset with her after her husband was extremely rude and hostile towards my mother when he drove her to her doctors appointment. Thank God I was following in my vehicle so I was able to bring her home as she was upset by his attitude. Now I have an open investigation on me for the false report this former friend had instigated against me so I am extremely anxious that this could snowball into legal issues that could cause my mother and I to have our lives torn apart. My mother is 91 and has serious health issues and I am doing my very best to be her caregiver and I have no support or help. Just because we live in a free country doesn’t necessarily mean it’s free when it comes to the way the government decides on a citizens personal issues or wellbeing. What would others do if they were in a similar situation as mine?

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Who told you he was hostile and rude, Mom? Your Mom has a Dementia you cannot take what she says as truth. She perceives the world differently now.

Anyone can sue, call APS or CPS. Doesn't mean they are going to win the suit or the investigation isn't going to go your way. They will come in and make sure Mom is well cared for, she has a room of her own, there is food in the fridge...just keep as calm as you can. Allow Mom to answer questions. You may privately mention Dementia is involved. You may be given info on resources u can take advantage of.

Yes, wonder how you handled the confrontation. Did you accuse or ask. Because if you accused I can see why friend got upset. Not to the point of calling APS though. But they did you a favor.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Let's see:  her husband was rude and hostile with your mother; you apparently raised the issue with your friend and she got mad, and called APS.    Payback?

First thing I would do is eliminate these people from all contact and activity with your mother.

Why was your mother riding with this woman's husband while you were following in your car in the first place?   Did that vehicle have wheelchair accommodations or something that your car didn't have?    I'm puzzled about this.
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Reply to GardenArtist

It may be possible that your mother was rude to neighbour’s husband when he was driving her, and he over-retaliated. Perhaps your mother was herself making complaints about you. All of us here know that elders can be untruthful and also very rude indeed, but a semi-stranger may not understand that. If what he said to your mother was itself ‘rude and hostile’ (or even if that’s just how your mother interpreted it), your mother was probably upset. If you then had a go at both neighbors, it’s easy to see things going from bad to worse.

All the advice about dealing with APS is spot on. A low key explanation may help to explain things, as well as calming you down about the pluses and minuses of government intervention.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
MargaretMcKen Sep 13, 2020
Thinking a bit more, if your mother did indeed make complaints about you (presumably untrue), and then you went off the deep end, the neighbors may be concerned about your own over-reaction. That might be why they asked APS to check if the comments were true, not nasty vindictiveness on their part. If they have been friends, and clearly they meant to help with the difficulties of transport (whatever they were), it's a pity to assume the worst. No-one needs to lose helpful friends. Can you think of a way to smooth this over?
if there is no abuse then there will be nothing for them to investigate further.
Welcome the investigator, be open and honest. But do not bring your former neighbor into the conversation. In most cases the identity of the person making a complaint is not known.
Answer questions honestly.
If the investigator offers advice, information accept it gracefully, do not treat it as an accusation that you are not doing your best. Ask if they are aware of any agency that could help you in any way.
Caregiving is very stressful and EVERYONE at some point will loose their temper, their patience.
You should find Support Groups in your area. Ask your local Senior Center if there are any programs that they are aware of that can help with getting you a caregiver a few days a week for a few hours.
If your mom is a Veteran it is possible the VA would be of help.
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Reply to Grandma1954

Yes, we do live in a free country, but please be very thankful that there is an APS to protect people who are preyed upon by strangers and sometimes even by families. Because we are not free to abuse others in this country, and if someone makes accusations that involve an at risk senior they will be taken seriously. THAT is something to be thankful for, not to complain about.
APS will visit your home, they will check your Mom and speak with her privately and they will speak with you. They may ask about Mom's finances, her Social Security, et al, and how they are being used for her. Your very best action now is NOT to complain this isn't a free enough country, but rather to be open, honest and WELCOMING.
You ask what we would do if this were us. I would personally invite them into my home, invite them to look around while I make them a cup of coffee or tea. I would sit with them and tell them that I believe I know why they are there, and explain the situation as it happened. I would invite them to speak with my Mom privately and offer them any documentation or other things they would like to see. I would tell them I would be happy to have their visits in future, and I would ask them if they could refer me to any help for respite, for rides to doctor appointments, for shopping, or etc. They may have a wealth of information for you. AND I WOULD THANK THEM FOR THE WORK THEY DO FOR THE ELDERS of our wonderful free country.
Trust me, a neat and happy home, a happy senior, and they will be out of there like a shot.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

It is very unclear from your post who was rude to whom.

Your mother has dementia; part of the symptomotology of dementia is often agitation, which is at times made worse by changes in schedule, travel and the like. A UTI or other infection can also wreak havoc.

I would not fear an APS investigation; I would welcome it as a source of possible help. It is clear that you need more support in caring for your mom.

Relying on friends who misunderstand symptoms is a recipe for disaster.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

My older sister who lives many states away managed to talk a friend into calling the local county police check up on my mother for whom I was POA. They were told there was no electricity or food in the refrigerator. Needless to say, when they arrived at the house, they found out that wasn't the case. I was at work & Mom was being taken care of by someone I'd hired. When I went to the police station I was asked who this person was & gave me my sister's name. I explained the long term problems I'd had with my sister & that was that. I had wanted the person who made the report charged with making a false report The police wouldn't but said if it happened again they'd consider it.

I don't know everything that transpired that led to you being reported; however, if you did nothing wrong I wouldn't worry, I'd simply tell the truth.
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Reply to martha908

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