My husband has asked to see the affected area, but his dad refuses, gets angry and they end up in a huge argument over it. We suspect it to be gangrene and are worried it may get so bad, they’ll need to amputate. We can’t force him to get treatment, but he desperately needs it. How do we get him to seek treatment?
Do not argue with him, do not try to investigate the problem. Your FIL is likely in pain, scared rigid, and too ill to think straight.
Yes, we also worry about being accused of neglect. Let’s just hope that if it comes to that, that he’ll vouch for us.
That is NOT an acceptable excuse. Neither is housing your ? minor son in an environment replete with infection.
Call 911. Now. Those paramedics can be very persuasive. And they can officially document that you TRIED to get him care.
It turned out to be MRSA. They performed tests, the infection had spread to the bones in his foot and had started to spread into his ankle. Two weeks in the hospital following the amputation of one of his toes. Medical staff were able to stop the infection from spreading with IV antibiotics. Then it was to rehab for a couple more weeks to regain his strength.
L was very lucky that the infection was able to be controlled. He wished he had had that cyst removed years before, it was much smaller, it would have been easier to treat. It was very difficult to treat because it had gotten probably the size of a dollar size pancake.
This could be a similar infection and he needs to be seen by the doctor. If it is MRSA do not touch it, it is extremely contagious and dangerous.
We are hoping it isn’t. We can’t find out as he would not show us or paramedics. Maybe we can share this information with him in hopes that he could have it looked at to eliminate the possibility. 🤞
Well, he told paramedics that there was nothing wrong with him and he was okay. They could obviously smell that he wasn’t, but could not do anything as he was of sound mind and could not force treatment. My husband pleaded with him to at least show them his feet. He said, “NO! I’m alright!” They asked if they could at least check his bp. He also refused. Not even his temperature. He promised that if it gets worse, he’d tell my husband to call them back. How much worse can it get?! When they can’t save his feet anymore and have to amputate? We are at a loss and would be very sad for him if they did have to. Anyway, when they left, he was irate and said he’d call his sister to give her a piece of his mind. We called her and warned her, but he’s also the kind of person that does not like to talk to other people, so he probably won’t and she knows it. She’s also ok with it as she’s been trying to get a hold of him for months to speak with him, but wouldn’t answer her calls.
Well, I guess we’ll just have to deal with the stench or hang lots of pine tree air fresheners around the house. Any other ideas?
Thanks again folks! We truly appreciate your help.
Sometimes you have to forget about hurting their feelings or making them mad. It's not okay that he is willing to make you guys live with the foul odor because he's stubborn. That is childish behavior and should be handled as such. Your house, your rules.
What’s worse is that he lives in the space downstairs, sort of like a MIL. There is nothing, but a curtain that separates our kitchen to the stairs that lead directly to his bedroom door. So once he opens his door, we get the breeze that comes from outside his window, that pushes up the odor into our kitchen. Not something you’d love to inhale when you’re cooking or eating. I’ve already put odor absorbers around the curtain, not enough so he could see, but does nothing.
My husband voiced that our kids are being affected by this as well when they bring him food. He just told him to have them leave it on the table in his kitchen and he’d come get it to bring back into his room. Needless to say, he will not even do his grandchildren a favor to have it taken care of.
If it's gangrene, that's nothing to mess with and can quickly spread to the blood.
I pray that you get through to him and he'll agree to get treatment!
Perhaps the state will seek emergency guardianship. If I were in his shoes, I'd rather let medics or a doctor examine than lose ALL my rights which is what will happen when the state takes over.
In situations like these, sometimes a "forced choice" can work. "Would you like to go to the ER for treatment or would you like us to start eviction proceedings?"
Sometimes, you have to be the adult in the room.
Is he trying to commit suicide? In better years, when he was younger, would his current behavior have been acceptable to him?
It's very very VERY hard to reverse roles with revered elders and force a change in their living conditions, treatment and the like. You need to balance what the elder says they want, what they need, your own legal and moral obligation to get them care and your primary obligation, which is to your children, who have no alternative but to live with you. It is their health and safety which I feel very concerned about.
You can request a hospice evaluation. In general, they will send someone to evaluate FIL for hospice; his would won't be treated, but he will get comfort care, including pain medication, which will become important as this progresses.
"Well dad, seeing as how you don't want treatment, the thing we need to do is call Hospice. They won't treat your wound; they'll help you with comfort care and good pain meds. Better than getting dragged to the hospital, right?".
Maybe your family could do some father-son activity that requires him to wear a swim suit. (Beach? Pool?)
This is your husband’s Dad, Maybe he can discuss the odor in a non-threatening way.
Never mind amputation, for the moment. Is he ready to die? He insists he's fine - odd use of the word 'fine' but let's not quibble over words, it's just an obvious lie. It is nonsense. Baldly, what your DH needs to say to FIL is "Your lower limbs are rotting. We don't need to see it, we can smell it throughout the house. If you refuse treatment, you will die. Is that in fact the choice you want to make?"
It may be so. If it is so, then suggest the hospice evaluation. He does have the right to make that choice, but even so he doesn't have to die horribly and to his family's lasting distress.
Another reason it is important to have that conversation, preferably in front of a social worker or other qualified professional, is that if he becomes so sick that he can't refuse treatment - because he is delirious or unconscious, for example - you will be able to have him transferred to hospital, and it may be possible to save his life. But would that be the right thing to do for him? If he hasn't definitively said no, you may be forced to go ahead and keep him alive in total opposition to his real wishes.
So - demand a straight answer to a straight question.