My FIL is flying in for a week long visit. He has COPD and had a heart attack Nov. 2017 (has a stent). This is WAY out of my league - HELP!

My first thought, albeit a witchy one, is to tell you to go on a little getaway of your own. Absolutely let hubby, who insists on accommodating his father, go ahead and accommodate him. All by himself!

You’re being jerked around and forced to do something you are not equipped or trained to do and don’t WANT to do. So why do it? You’re a big girl. Make reservations at a nice hotel with a bangin’ Spa and have a blast.

I would not stress about pitsing “the boys” off. After all, neither one is considering your feelings, wants or needs.

Hubby will have to take time off to care for his father. They can have some “real bonding” time. Yeah, boy.

Make reservations, leave the day he arrives and come back after he leaves and be rested, refreshed and not stressed out by suddenly being an unwilling caregiver. If you get any flak, who cares? They didn’t care what you wanted!

try telling yourself. I love my FIL, I love my FIL ha ha  just kidding.

but at least its only a week? Don't feel responsible for this mans health if you can.

just do your best and if something happens that is beyond your control during the day call 911.

let your husband deal with the nighttime situation (he's home by then?) of oxygen.

I think whenever something is going to happen and we fight it. It just makes us more uptight not to accept it. take a deep breathe and tell yourself I can make it thru one week.

Does your FIL live alone now?
Remind your husband that his dad should be careful to bring all his meds and his paperwork. DNR, insurance cards, list of meds and drs should he have to make phone calls on his dad’s behalf. FIL should bring extra meds just in case.
Perhaps you could contact a home health agency to know terms and availability should the flight leave your FIL needing personal care.
Have an urgent care in mind just in case.
Remind your husband of any accommodations his dad might need in the home, seating, special diet etc.
Perhaps a wheel chair rental for outings?
This trip sounds very important to both of them.
You might pick up the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. I think it would help you not be so anxious about your FIL traveling to your home and about taking care of him.
if he’s used to being alone most of the time, you should be fine going about your business as usual.
If you are very anxious about it remember it’s just a week. Get out for a walk everyday or meditate a bit each morning.
Plan your meals and set things up where it’s easy for FIL to wait on himself when he needs to.
Its pretty neat that he isn’t afraid to live his life and that your husband supports him.
I hope you help make the birthday special.

Agree with the disappearing say on day 3.. me finks it might be the beginning of a long and painful tenancy occurring..
See it all went OK so dad can come and live with us, Oh BTW Im off for the next week you will manage alright scenario comes to mind.
Make your husband take time off and be there for HIS dad.

Is he bringing any kind of oxygen delivery system? Portable concentrators are allowed on planes, but bottled oxygen is not. If he is not, please suggest to his son that he need to rent one while dad is there.

Your husband is certainly being very inconsiderate of you as well as of his own father. Who exactly does he expect is going to take care of this elderly frail man while he is at work? Who is going to accompany this man to the airport and on the 3 hour flight in both directions? It does not seem that your husband has thought this through very well.

Unless you are a registered nurse who is trained in geriatrics, you certainly don't have the ability to do this.

Regardless of how much care your FIL needs, it seems quite rude of your DH not to take some time off work whiles he’s visiting. Maybe you could “encourage” him to take some vacation days so his Dad will feel more welcomed by his son.

Just do the best you can. I don't agree with running off and leaving hubby with the job even though he's dumped it on you No need to stir up another argument. Look for some extra help that week which could even be someone coming in to help keep the place tidy. Maybe you can prepare some meals in advance and freeze them. Most old folks just enjoy sitting and watching the tv so just do that with him as much as you can. Maybe get him to tell you some stories of your husband growing up. I agree with trying to arrange oxygen and whatever he needs before he gets there. Mostly our old parents just want to be around people. God bless you.

Call a local agency and see about getting someone to give you a hand, a man who could act as both helper and companion would be ideal. Don't take no for an answer, this is about helping YOU as much as it is about helping FIL - if DH and FIL can spend on air fare they can afford to pay for this.
If FIL has trouble walking I imagine there will be difficulties with the accessibility of the toilet and shower as well as his meals and oxygen, in addition to a transport wheelchair you might look into renting a shower chair and a commode that can be placed over the toilet which increases the height and provides arms for stability. Plan meals with his eating problems in mind - think soft and easy to eat without teeth (lasagna instead of steak). And I can't imagine DH allowing the poor man to navigate the airports on his own, unless he is a frequent flyer the flights alone will be a very stressful experience.

What is fil's living situation ? Does he live alone?

If he's unsteady on his feet I trust someone will help him get to the airport. If he's flying alone we can be glad it's only a single flight. Will his son be available to meet him at the airport? If your husband expects you to pick him up, don't go alone -- take a friend along so one of you can manage the baggage while the other one assists FIL.

What are you concerned about with the oxygen? As long as no one is smoking in the house, it's pretty safe. As long as he wears the cannula, it's pretty effective. But if there's something about it that worries you, by all means ask. Several of us have lived with oxygen-using people for months or years and can answer all your questions.

Not sure what to think about 'needs 3 liters of oxygen at night'. First off, that's not really a 'quantity', it's a 'flow rate'. If he sleeps with a nasal cannula connected to a tank or a concentrator set at 3L, does he really not need oxygen in the daytime? Right away I would want to ask why -- maybe even phone his doctor so you can know how to care for him appropriately.

In my (limited) experience (and I'm not a doctor or a nurse), most people who only use oxygen some of the time are using it on the 2L setting, sometimes even less. Most of the people I know who are using 3L are using it continuously, day and night.

You should probably rent an oxygen concentrator for in-home use, and get it delivered the day BEFORE he is scheduled to arrive.

You should have at least a back-up tank or two in the home in case of power failure.

Macular degeneration = can't see well especially for detail, which can unfortunately contribute to aspiration as he puts something in his mouth without being sure what it is or how big a bite.

Probably he doesn't wear his dentures because they no longer fit properly and are uncomfortable. Ditto his hearing aids.

Obviously you can't make him wear either, but you can gently request that he wear his teeth while eating, and ask him to wear his hearing aids long enough for you to find out what he needs in the way of assistance and help him know how to navigate in your home.

Pro tip: bright lights on stairways and hallways can help prevent falls. Pick up any throw rugs for the duration (yes, even the ones I really love got put away for the visit).

Let's see, what did I forget? Oh, yes: the stent in November is actually good news -- he may have more stamina and be less forgetful than he was right before the heart attack, due to better blood flow to the heart allowing better blood flow to the brain and body. And it's long enough ago that healing is likely complete.

Any chance he uses a walker? That can be a great help with unsteadiness.

I'm sorry he's been such a handful and I have confidence that you can do this, with a little help. So sorry your hubby isn't taking time off to be home with his dad.

First thought I had when I read your post is what Muffin cat said, he may be there longer than a week. I bet he didn't get permission from his doctor to fly. Found this article you may want to show husband. This has been discussed before and one thing I found then was the person should be able to walk 100yds, length of a football field and walk up ten steps if they are contemplating flying. In ur FILs condition, don't think its a good idea.

copdfoundation.org/COPD360social/Community/COPD-Digest/Article/6/Safe-to-Travel.aspx

Not sure if this was said but Oxygen is not allowed on planes. A concentrator is but someone mentioned in a previous thread that a charge only lasts 2 hrs.

If he doesn't bring one, you may want to get a PauseOx meter. They are those little things they clamp to the end of your finger. Normal reading is 95%. My daughter says 90% is getting low. The article says 80% a doctor needs to be called. I really don't feel its a good idea for FIL to fly. Did he ask for a wheelchair to and from the plane. You may luck out that when he gets to the airport, they may not allow him to fly when they see his condition and no one traveling with him.

Why can't u visit him?

Is your Mom still in AL? If so, good way to get away. Say your visiting Mom.

Joann 29 - oxygen is allowed on planes but this must be done with prior arrangements with the airline well in advance probably with drs note - I'm a former FA & have had pax using their O2 the whole way

You probably need to pre-arrange extra O2 to be delivered to your home while he is there - there is a lot to arrange so maybe hubby should fly to hid dad not other way around because what happens if he can't fly back? - then he will be with you permanantly

I think the thing that angers me most is the attitude ... generally from men ... that oh, the (unrelated) spouse will be home and be glad to care for my parent and off they go to work.

Or ... the (unrelated) spouse ... generally again the men ... say why should your parent(s) live with us or why do we have to visit them (at the home).

whichever it is seems to run away and feel taking care if a parent is the (unrelated) spouse's responsiblity.

but this doesnt provide an answer to the question.

If FIL has been taking care of himself, I'd let him do so. Tell him you are available if there's anything you can do for him; and if he asks for help you can't provide--from physical inability to just discomfort on your part--get hubby (on the phone, if he's at work).
If he's not been taking care of himself, is he bringing a care-giver? If not, hubby better call some agencies and get a qualified person there. Or perhaps there are facilities that offer adult day care where hubby could drop Dad off while he's working.
At 93, with COPD, etc., just wanting to see his son, maybe for the last time, has a certain poignancy. Don't stress about the details. If he makes it off the plane to see his boy, maybe that's enough. You have no control up to that point.
After that, think of the rest of the visit as extra benefits--just a little more time you all got to spend together. If he doesn't survive the week, it won't be your "fault," and he still got what he really wanted and more.
It's only a week, right? He has round-trip ticket, right? I always say "I can do anything for a week." It's a helpful psychological tool for a defined time frame.
Try to be up-beat about it, and cheerfully tell your husband all the suggestions you've seen here. Just so he'll be well-prepared...

It sounds like the FIL has some sort of care at home; and if you can arrange for him to have someone he knows with him on the visit that would make an enormous difference. In fact, I think that would be the deciding factor if I were in that situation. When my MIL was at our house her last year that was what made it possible.

Call me paranoid but ...

be prepared for hubby to say ... well that visit worked out fine. Lets have him live with us.

no ... im not young but i wont be visiting my kids when im ill and shouldnt fly. Its hard enough now dealing with airplanes even with van transportation from gate to gate. Theres airport bathrooms/airplane bathrooms/sleeping most of the day after each part of the trip even if the trip is short.

and thats even if you dont need help.

Iam not able to answer HOW to get through this... but it sounds like that's going to be a terribly stressful week. My SIL works for two home health companies. I'm in N.E. Oklahoma and doubt we live in the same area however, there might be a home health company near you that can send a cna or hh worker to assist with your FIL for that week. It might have to be private pay since the man does not live in your vicinity. ..
Your FIL should be able to tell you how to hook up his oxygen for the night.
This is A LOT to be asked of you but I assure you, everything is temporary.
Might need to have the CNA watch out for blood clots... although 3 hours is not bad for younger people. .. it could pose a risk with him.
I wish you strength and luck.
Aye, MarLo

Is anybody who's experienced in looking after your FIL coming with him?

If not, you could insist on hiring professional nursing help for the week and suggest your husband's family look on it as part of the celebration expenses.

If they won't buy that, then all you can do is draw your own lines about what you will and won't do to assist; and not stepping out of your pay grade is a perfectly reasonable view to take. Stick to your guns.

Any consequences that then ensue are the responsibility of those making the decisions, and not yours, and you must just rise above any residual feelings of guilt. And happy birthday to him!

Castlekathy, I love some of the answers here, especially taking off for a few days at a spa hotel! BUT, on the other hand, think how much it means to your husband and if you can pull this off, how very much it will mean to him that you supported him in his wish / need.

As far as the oxygen, it's a simple thing. But, contact a medical supply company to have extra tanks on hand. And any other equipment maybe needed to rent for the week..... a walker, a wheelchair. And talk to a home health company to have an idea about extra help should you need it.

And I would definitely talk to husband about taking some time off while father is there, maybe he can't take all of the time, but at least some of it. And then plan a couple of days out by yourself, maybe a movie, walking in a park, shopping or even window shopping, a lunch out with friends. Even time out each day for a walk, or go somewhere where you can read a book, i.e. if the weather is too hot to sit outside, then a bookstore where you can sit and read in the cool air, or even in a mall.

Good luck... you'll make it through this week!

It’s only for a week and let your husband do all the work.

I'm going to respond based on believing that you want to support your husband, especially and your FIL here but you feel so far out of your element and understanding of things your truly frightened and concerned for everyone, mainly your FIL's well-being and are asking for help and guidance to make it happen unless the consensus is it just shouldn't happen. Now I have a few questions as well that will help me and others respond. First what kind of help does your FIL get at home, does he have (need) a full or part time caregiver? When was the last time he traveled, are there other family members involved here?

Simply being on home oxygen is very common, people get around and even travel all the time. It's actually even easier these days with new equipment that's available and newer equipment or not there isn't much for you to fear or even do, certainly nothing to be afraid of or feel overwhelmed by. Don't let it be the thing making you uncomfortable. Hearing and dental needs change, like an eyeglass prescription does so when they aren't kept up to date they can become more of a hindrance than a help and this may be what is happening with your FIL. That ship may have simply sailed but if there is someone helping him at home maybe they could look into updating those things prior to his trip, sometimes it's just an adjustment for hearing aids. Maybe this is something you could help him do when he visits if you want to pitch in that way or maybe it's just something everyone deals with for a week. Either way my guess is if he were able he would wear them whenever he was around people because not having his teeth in and not being able to hear is hard for many elderly people, it's embarrassing but they stop seeming to care because they either can't afford to fix the situation or don't think it can be and the adjuncts they have now cause so much issue the embarrassment is the better option. I know my FIL was horrified when he had to take his teeth out in front of me in the ER.

As someone else mentioned the fact he has a stent now is a good thing and may mean much of his unsteadiness as well as his thought processes have improved. But it's hard to make suggestions in this area without knowing what his living and help situation is at home I don't see why you would be expected or need to steady him all day if he doesn't have or need that at home, if he does he probably has a walker and methods for accomplishing his daily routine. If he is in need of 24/7 type care then you and your husband should be in touch with his doctor and whoever coordinates that care (his POA?) so help can be set up while he is visiting. There are methods for setting things up temporarily while a patient visits family and having it all covered by insurance (whoever is paying for it at home) but that takes coordination with his doctor. We took my mom out to see my brother and his family in CA (from CT) recently and consulted all of her doctors. We also put together all the contact info and a plan should anything happen while she was out there, same thing as if she needed an ER visit at home really but at home they have her records handy so we just made sure we had that traveling with her. We also made sure she had enough meds but many meds can be ordered by regular docs & p/u at a chain pharmacy in another state for just this situation if needed too.

Unless there are ailments I'm not understanding this may not be as difficult as you are picturing, you obviously have spent time around him and unless there is something about the relationship that makes you uncomfortable I would suggest trying a different approach. Look forward to seeing him and being able to help facilitate this trip which is obviously important to both your DH & FIL. Express your love by embracing this and learning about these ailments along the way. It may help you in the future & a positive approach will change things a great deal. Fill this visit with love & create can do memories.We will hlp

It seems we’re split close to 50-50 here, half saying she should graciously agree to take on the care of her FIL even though she’s being unwillingly forced into it and her post was a cry for help. The other half, like me, think she should take herself on her own getaway. Just the fact that from her post, castlekathy intimates that she wasn’t asked but rather ordered to take on FIL’s care for a week made me write the answer I did. I chose not to take the “high road”. I’ve been in situations like that before and took the proverbial high road. I got no thanks, no credit, no appreciation. It still irritates me now. From the way this was presented to Castlekathy, I think she may feel the same way.

There is also the chance of FIL needing medical care. Does his insurance cover out of state medical care? Many don’t. Will his medical records be available should he need care? If Hubby is away at work, would Castlekathy recognize FIL’s distress and know what to do? She states she has MS. Is she mobile?

In any case, Castlekathy hasn’t posted again. Hopefully, the issue has been resolved to everyone’s satisfaction.

A few concerns:
Is he even capable of taking a 3-hour flight?
Shouldn't you hire a medical professional?
Aspiration pneumonia

THANK YOU ALL, I so appreciate all the input received! To answer a few of the questions, FIL is to arrive TOMORROW! FIL has a live in caregiver at his home. We live in a remote area, so to contact an agency, or set up oxygen backup is very difficult - I insisted he rent a portable unit and bring it with him. Husband has yet to notify airline of any special needs. My home is not 'senior friendly' multiple levels and FIL will be sleeping on a different floor than my husband. At this point, all I can do is pray for the best outcome for this situation.

Ok, depending on his liter flow his O2 may last a long time. We have my FIL a lot and his is on 2 liters,, his mini tanks last all day and into the night.. sometimes the next morning.. they are rechargeable and he is fine with us for 3 or 4 days, He also is unsteady and hard of hearing.. ( as is my Mom who lives with us). FIL has a rollator to help with his walking, and he is 94. My biggest problem when he is with us is he is bossy,,,LOL. He is 94.. so I get it.. I hate having to deal with it.. but he is Hubs father,, so I just go along for the visit.. Good luck, and it will be over in 7 (long) days!

I thought I could take my father who was on a small oxygen tank to the store for quick shop by him. No way! I probably should have called the ambulance! Make sure you know his requirements from the doctor. Purchase a pulse oxygen meter at drugstore. Hypoxia makes them meaner and almost strokelike.