My father's wife is not caring for him while he is dealing with bladder cancer. She is able bodied. Should I report it to APS?

Dfox, make sure that dad is getting his social security to pay for his needs.

She doesn't get to keep his money.

Wishing you the best of luck. These situations are so hard.

I have had bladder cancer for decades.

Lived in houses filled with second hand smoke all my life.
Worst environment for bladder cancer.

Thank you all of you, for your insight. It has been helpful for the most part. For those of you that said maybe my Dad likes to be treated like crap ???? That is completely false. I guess if I would have given more information maybe I would have given a better understanding of my situation. I cared for my mother for two years in my home, while working full time without much support. She passed away THREE months ago. The past 6 months have most definitely been the most difficult in my life with both of my parents being sick. I have one sibling that lives out of state. The person who mentioned that I can't handle caring for my Dad, shame on you. I wish I had the luxury of not working but I have to be mindful of my future. BTW I moved my Dad with me yesterday because he was in an awful atmosphere and doesn't deserve to live like that or like it. He is was not "fine" with his living situation. I'm glad that I'm here for him. I will take it day by day and continue to do the best I can with what I have.

Your brother is correct. I would add that not only did he choose to marry her, but he chose to STAY with her, and that with 30 years of smoking and well before your Dad got cancer. You say that your father doesn't even wish to go out for a ride with you. I am assuming he is competent and not suffering from dementia and neglect (if that latter is the case do involve APS for a wellness visit).
It is clear that you do not like the second wife, and you may be completely correct in your assessment that she isn't a very pleasant woman, nor in the least likable. But for your father's sake I would forgo making any waves, be supportive and helpful (yes, even to "HER"). That would be the kindness you can do to/for your Dad, who apparently hasn't made the best choice in a wife, or at least a choice you approve.
I am sorry for the pain, but right- fighting at the end of the life of one of our parents can only bring them pain. I know that you don't want to add to your Dad's pain. Try to look at your statement "he's given up" rather as "he is facing the end of his life, is tired, and may be ready; what can I do to help him".
My best to you. This must be heartbreaking for you. Having lost both my parents years ago, and having been so lucky to have them, I encourage you to make the end of Dad's life as good as you can FOR HIM. My heart and best wishes go out to you.

I'm 110% anti-smoking and living in a home where someone smokes would be a complete deal breaker for me--

BUT, I made my choice 46 years ago to not only marry a non-smoker but to NOT allow his OB (whom DH ADORES) to smoke in our home.

Your dad is used to it--sadly, he's sick now and possibly SM is smoking more to deal with the stress, IDK, not having ever smoked.

Step moms have it tough. It's rare that a family embraces and adores a 'step-parent' b/c there is always that 'you're not my real parent' dynamic, esp if the bio parent is still living.

I think offering to help step mom is a better choice than being judgy and dismissive. Yes, your dad chose her (a LONG time ago)and obviously he still chooses her to this day. You have to respect that.

And yep--there are people who actually thrive on 'abuse', as it were. You can't really help them. And if your dad is getting care and is clean and in a stable environment--well, APS won't do anything.

Dad is dealing with bladder cancer, that is no walk in the park. He probably feels crappy everyday. And it has nothing to do with SM. Unless you want to take him in to your home and he wants to come, you cannot do anything but the smaller, daily tasks.

Good Luck finding balance in this.

Your father's wife being disrepectful and unpleasant does not mean that your father is not getting his meds and basic needs met.
Your brother is right. Your father chose to marry this woman and he chooses to stay with her. The fact that he won't even go for a ride to leave the house means he wants to be exactly where he is.
As for his wife smoking like a chimney in the house. This is not new. She's been smoking in that house since she moved in there. Your father has never had a problem with it. If he did his house would have been a smoke-free establishment a long time ago.
Your father is fine with things the way they are and that should be respected. His wife's care does not meet your standards. Yet you yourself admit to not being able to care for father yourself in your home. Maybe your step-mother does want to see him dead. Do you think she's the first person to be in a caregiving situation 24/7 who has wanted that? Or that she's the first caregiver to suffer from burnout?
I was an in-home caregiver mostly for elderly for 25 years. So I'm going to give you a warning as a friend. Don't complain too much. Think long and hard before you make a call to APS because that action may open a Pandora's Box within your family that you will not be able to close.
How about talking to instead of at your step-mother? Offer respite care so she can get a break. Start praising what a wonderful job she is doing for your father. You don't have to mean it. It's okay if you and your brother hate her guts. Be nice and appreciative to her. This will benefit your father greatly.

"My brother has actually said, our Dad chose to marry her."

Of course he chose to marry her. ?

There are times when a call to APS is completely warranted.

But dfox, what you appear to be describing doesn't, in my opinion, fall into that category. You say your stepmom is a difficult, selfish woman. That's unfortunate, but it isn't criminal behavior. You say you aren't sure that dad is getting his medication, but you don't give any reason for that suspicion. Yourself state that dad has tried many different meds, but "nothing has worked", so I'm not sure what it is you expect your stepmom to do differently.

I understand that seeing your dad ill and (in your opinion) helpless is distressing. It's never easy for us to see our loved ones grow frail and feeble. But I have to ask you - what is it you hope to accomplish by setting APS on your stepmother? Do you hope it will get her to treat dad better? To punish her for what you perceive to be bad treatment of him? To get her arrested/removed from the home where your dad is?

What exactly do you think will happen to dad should you get your way, and your stepmom is somehow removed from this situation? You have already stated you tried to have dad live with you, but it didn't work out and is not "feasible at this point"? If dad needs full time care, and there is no one in the family that can do that, what do you think happens to dad? And do you think that's a better living situation than he has right now?

Certainly, if you feel that dad is being abused, by all means call APS. But before you do, please be honest with yourself as to whether or not this is about your concern for your dad's well-being, or your obvious dislike of your stepmother. You might have every reason to dislike her, but I think you need to heed your brother's words and accept that dad did indeed choose to marry her and try - for dad's sake - to accept that. Because i suspect if you call APS, whether or not they come to investigate and find abuse or not, I think that call will be the final "nail in the coffin" for your relationship with dad. Is that a chance you're willing to take?

I sincerely wish you good luck.

Have his friends tried to visit and been turned away by her? Doesn’t dad have any say about this? Maybe he doesn’t want his friends to see him like he is now. Maybe it is too hard for her to care for him and entertain visitors too. I’m not standing up for her, and I certainly don’t believe he should be inhaling her noxious lung exudate. But there’s a lot we don’t know, and it seems as if it’s time to get senior services or some helpful agency involved.

Why are you blaming your stepmother for this situation when you yourself were unable to successfully care for your father?? Is she preventing your father from taking a ride with you?? Locking him inside the smoke filled house or something? Can he not make those decisions for himself?

To hear my stepdaughter talk, you'd think I was preventing her from seeing her father when it is SHE who is too lazy and selfish to get up off her **** to come visit him. But hey, it's easier to blame the evil wicked stepmother than it is to do any real work building a relationship with her father. That's not to say YOU are like my step daughter,,, just giving you the other side of the story

In reality, your SM may be a difficult woman, I don't know. It just gets tiresome hearing the one sided stories about how "the terrible woman the children's father married has ruined everyone's life." While the stepchildren haven't done a THING to make OUR lives a cake walk, I might add! 😑

Go ahead and call APS and report the wife for elder abuse and see what comes of it. You may wind up either further alienating dad or getting him back in your home to care for on a full time basis. Is that your goal? You don't mention WHAT your goal is anyway.

All ** aside, I'm sorry your father is dealing with bladder cancer. It would be good if you could all put aside your differences now and come together for dad's sake, with love, and show him support in his time of need. That includes your stepmother who should be accepting palliative care or hospice nurses in house now to help your dad in every way possible. I hope that happens.

I'm not sure APS will show up because your step-mother is treating your Dad with disrespect, and also smoking... you have already tried to care for him at your home and it's not feasible. Your brother wishes to pass on intervention. His wife is not providing care like you think she should. So, what realistic solution is left? Only to call APS to report that your SM might actually have an undiagnosed cognitive impairment that is preventing her from providing proper carer (and that your father doesn't recognize it either). But you will need to provide some evidence.