He wont listen to my mother or myself, and insists that the kids are rude and disrespectful to him. And while the kids do try they often lose their tempers with him and yell at him, but it's only after he he treats them terribly, yelling, name calling and nagging them to do everything the way he thinks it should be done. I dont let them get away with behaving like that, but at the same time Dad refuses to see how he is causing it. He is never at fault, he never starts anything, and is a victim in his own mind. I am honestly at my wits end. Dad yells and loosed his temper with everyone, but the minute we say something we are the bad guys. Pls help!!

Dad had a stroke 2 years ago, he has recently been diagnosed with stage 2 copd and emphysema.

He even gets angry and frustrated with my mom who has been bed ridden for the last 5 years. Like God forbid he need to fix her a meal or get her a drink, and what's worse of anyone breathes, moves or blinks to loudly whole he naps.

We have had several big fights about this issue. He never apologizes for his part and wont admit calling a 13 year old a jerk, and whiner and lazy is wrong. Just that the kid got what he deserved.

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Her profile says that her parents live in her home. Also, Dad has Dementia/ALZ besides other health problems.

I think Dad needs to be evaluated to see if meds could help. Your description of what he does are signs of ALZ/Dementia. He can't control these outbursts. I think Dad needs a NH at this point. Its not fair to your children to live like this. Home is suppose to be a safe place. You have enough taking care of Mom.
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Have you considered putting dad in nursing home or care facility? Your profile says he has AD/Dementia in addition to the strokes and you are taking care of him in your home. He sounds a lot like my dad but my dad doesn’t resort to name calling. My dad is a cantankerous cranky man with a short fuse and he’s not used to being around kids so I try to cut him a little slack when he gets after my kids for being kids but you have to draw boundaries and draw the line somewhere.
i have to say in response to comments about calling CPS? I’m kind of appalled at how often I see that suggested here. Do people think CPS just swoops in and saves the day? They don’t. What makes anyone think that they will do anything about verbal abuse when it takes multiple reports of physical abuse before they do anything? Do people want the kids taken away? If so, do they actually stop and think about the consequences of that? How will affect the kids? What is the lesser of 2 evils? Is taking the kids from their family really in the kids best interest? Do these same people think there is an abundance of foster families available as well?
and as a parent who has children still living at home, I’m going to say that it’s a quite an assumption that your kids are probably talking about their home life to their friends and their friends are telling their parents about it. My kids say a lot of things about their friends but have never discussed anyone’s home life. They don’t even know what their friends parents do for a living.
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Ahmijoy Oct 2018
Worried, I feel your comments about CPS are directed at me. Understand that we only know what we read. People use this site for venting and maybe don’t always re-read what they’ve written. We don’t know them and don’t know their situation. We react on a gut level to what we read and we tend to wonder if there is more to the story.

I am a former teacher and believe me, kids do talk to each other about things like this. Seriously. I was privy to a few overheard conversations during my career that absolutely gave me pause. As a teacher, I was duty bound to report any suspicions of abuse. I didn’t do it gleefully, hoping to devastate a family. CPS and APS are not The Enemy. But on this site we are only anonymous advice givers. APS, CPS and the authorities can be hands-on and in some cases, life savers. What would you suggest we say to a poster who says her live-in father with dementia is groping her 12 year old daughter? Or the poster who says Mom, with dementia, lives alone and is running down the middle of a country road, at night, screaming at the top of her lungs?

What are the consequences of living with a verbally and possibly physically abuse grandfather? Only the future will tell. Do we want the kids taken away? Be serious. Of course not. Ultimately it’s up to their mother to make the decision. Will she continue to expose her children to this situation? Up to her. We can only make suggestions based on our experience and what we have read in the post.

We can’t always say what the poster or readers of our answers think we should say. Do we realize what the consequences of our answers could be? Sure. But we also realize what the consequences of saying nothing could be as well.

I’m sorry if my advice offended your sensibilities. But I will continue to give it. I’ve received many private messages from people who thank me for helping them.
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Can you move out on your own? I didn’t see the ages of your children.

Children are like blank slates; they learn behavior from witnessing it. Your kids are living through situations they should not have to process. If a child witnesses verbal abuse (which is what’s happening here) they may very well assimilate that behavior and then verbal abuse becomes acceptable behavior to them to draw from as adults.

In in other words, expect that your children will exhibit or accept adverse behaviors sometime in their lives as they are being exposed to verbal abuse.

You didn’t clarify but I assume you all live together? In your parents’ home or do your parents live with you?

The first thing I would do is move out. Your father will never change, meaning he is not apt to change his behavior as his filter is gone. If the home is his, then your kids will have to listen to your fathet’s requests & verbal abuse as you all live together.
That’s not fair to your children who need their own space & also need to learn how to speak to adults.

If you don’t live with them & this happens when you visit, just teach the kids to be kind and respectful while they are at their grandparents’ home & get them the heck out of there.

Cankerous senior men are set in their ways - I can broaden that & say both genders often speak their minds without caring about consequences. That’s a given. There may be challenges in this thrice generational household. Plus 13 can be a difficult age.

Good luck! I would get space for my children & I and move out of gramps’ house.
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In this household we have:

a lady who has been bedridden for five years
a gentleman who had a stroke 2 years ago and has chronic respiratory disease
a mother of teenage children
two or more children aged 13 +/- however many years

and everybody is unhappy.

But we don't know

whose house it is
how old the older people are
why the generations are living together or
how long they have all been living together

which means that to jump straight to 'let's evict the wicked old man' seems a bit premature.

What we do know is that this is a family under stress and that it must be bloody awful for the poor OP.

Anonymous, could you say a bit more about how you all got to here?
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Has your dad always been this way, or is this a new development?

It sounds as though he may have some significant mental health issues; I'm also wondering if there is some cognitive impairment from the stroke, i.e., vascular dementia.

In your shoes, I would get him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation.

You also need to consider if subjecting your children to verbal abuse is acceptable. As another poster mentioned, it would not be unheard of for CPS to step in and find that your children need to be in foster care. Think about that before you say that having your dad live with you is the "only" solution.
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Cold you insist on family therapy? I would think you might need to make an alternative if he refuses. The damage to your children could be profound for years.
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I’m really surprised no one has called Child Protective Services on you. Your kids for sure have told their friends at school about how they’re treated and what their home life is like, and those friends have told their parents.

I dont understand why you are making your kids live this kind of life. Is moving out out of the question? Get your parents on Medicaid and at least get Mom into a facility if not Dad as well.
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Are you forced to live with your parents?  What dad is doing is child abuse and kids should not be subjected to domestic tyrant. So if possible, keep them separate from him.
As for your mother, report him for domestic abuse. Enough is enough.  (I'm assuming he is not demented - that is a different type of problem - but frankly enough with these men who think someone died and appointed them god. )
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polarbear Oct 2018
I only read about one man here. What other men are you talking about?
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