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My father does not like to cook. I make sure he has easy to make meals in his freezer for the times we might be going out to dinner or over to a friend's house for dinner. He lives in a father in law house that is attached to our house. 95% of the time he has dinner with my husband and I and is included when we have friends over for dinner. On the rare occasion we decided to just have my husband and myself and friends over to our house he feels I need to explain to him (give him a reason) why he is not being included. Even after I have explained it is nothing personal, we just feel that sometimes we want it to be just us. That is not good enough for him. I am afraid that I have created this monster and I need help in getting a part of my life back. I do want to be sensitive to my father's feelings but at the same time I do not feel that I need to explain myself. I felt bad telling him he was on his own for this dinner to begin with, he just made me feel worse by questioning me as to why he wasn’t being included. I am looking for ideas on how to handle this type of situation. Thank you

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Schedule a consistant private time, whether or not you have others over. Let him know that Saturday evenings are your personal time. Be consistant. If he knows it will every Saturday, and he's invited for Sunday breakfast, he'll stop seeing it as being excluded from what he probably considers a special event. My sister and her hubby live with my mom and it's helped them to set limits. They get a date night every week, even if it is just to watch TV in peace. And Mom realizes it's just one evening, she's not being kicked to the curb.
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Polar bear wrote: [ "Tell your father although you enjoy his company, you also NEED private time to do your own things without him. TELL him you will have meals with him certain days of the week, and that's that." ]

I agree.

The bottom line is that a good enough and competent parent, would not expect to be in the mix with their children's friend.

My teenage children frequently entertain their friends in our finished basement.

I do not expect to be invited, nor do I attempt to insert myself in the mix in order to have my children keep me entertained.

Unless this parent is mentally or physically disabled, their expectation is unrealistic and possibly abusive.

You are entitled to have your own friends.

It appears that all the attention you are already giving him, is not enough. It sounds as if it will never be enough.

Again, perhaps a psychologist can intervene and help him to understand that you and your husband need to be able to have your private time with friends and even each other.

This type of intrusive behavior on the part of unrealistic in-laws may and does often destroy marriages.

Lastly, even if does have dementia or alzheimers that is reason enough to not want to invite him.

His behaviors might alienate non-relatives or other in-laws.

Set boundaries with him, now.  Otherwise he will just feel more and more entitled to control your time.
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Maybe you could tell your father that you might have loud music you and your friends enjoy, tell dirty jokes, study the Bible, discuss politics, play games that might bore him, eat foods you know he doesn't like, or whatever activity or other thing you know would be likely to discourage him somewhat from wanting to spend the time with your friends.
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I'm so sick of all these old people who think they own other people's time and lives. They are suffocating their children and/or sucking the lives out of them.

Tell your father although you enjoy his company, you also NEED private time to do your own things without him. TELL him you will have meals with him certain days of the week, and that's that.

As for ideas that you asked, you need a different mindset, one in which you don't think of yourself and your husband as chopped liver and your well being secondary to your father's, then act accordingly.
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Difficult situation for everyone. You don't want to upset dad but you are upset yourself.
There is not an easy solution. my mother was always snooping into our business. if I even did not hide a letter she would just read it "Oh I thought you left the letter form J*** for me to read" "No Mum ididn't have time to hide it" "Oh dear what am I going to do if you go to A & B for Christmas. It just went on and on.
Now in your situation. I would start never including him in guest dinners. you should not need to go out. Can you get him to cook for you sometimes or even regularly. maybe set a certain night when you eat at his table not yours. "We have to work late on Thursday nights I have some salmon in the fridge maybe you can roast some potatoes and green beans and i"ll pick up a cake on the way home."
Or maybe "Dad we are having the Jones over on Saturday night and want to discuss some personal business with Bill over dinner. Perhaps you can come over and meet them over a drink before dinner or maybe join us for desert"
Perhaps be totally honest and tell Dad you are very happy he is so close to you but you do need some private time. it is nothing about you it is about us. We really eed some private time to have personal conversations. It is not about hiding things from you but you were married to Mom for X # of years and would not have wanted a third person to monitor your conversations."
Not easy to do so be consistent, set a pattern and stick to it.
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I do not tell my mother when I am having people over or going out. Since she isn't in my back yard, it's easier. I stopped sharing when it became clear my mother resents me socializing. Not that she'd actually want to interact with anyone. Since you do have your father in your backyard, you will need to either be honest or entertain elsewhere.
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I’d be concerned about the 95% with him, not just the 5% without him. It sounds like you are having no meals at all alone with your husband, and that is not good for a marriage. Perhaps it would be a good idea to increase the number of meals your father has alone in his own unit, so that it gets to be a more normal thing. You could start that off by going out to a restaurant with your husband once a week, then move to eating apart sometimes. At present it really must seem as though you don’t want your father to meet your friends. You want to recast it as having a separate life of your own, so it needs to be more than 5% of the time.
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This happens in caregiving with my grandma too.

I usually just go out and eat and not make a big deal of it. She always has meals in the fridge.

It’s hard because they are lonely at this point in their life, but it’s hard to change that.

Your life and time is just as valuable and important as his. Realize he’s going to be upset but establishing boundaries helps.
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Ujamto:

If your father does not have dementia or Alzheimers, perhaps you can bring him to a psychologist to sort out this issue.

It seems abnormal that your father would need to be invited to every gathering in your home with your friend, if he has his own apartment.

Also, perhaps he needs to visit a elder community organization so that he can have his own friends.

If he is physically disabled and can not leave the home, then it might be distressing for him to be excluded because he needs social stimulation.

If that is the case, going out to dinner with your friends is the best approach. You can always tell a white lie to your father and tell him you are going to a business meeting or a township meeting rather than socializing with friends.

If he is not mentally or physically disabled, however, you need to set boundaries.

He should not be expecting to be included every time you have guests to your home, if he has his own apartment.

I know I will be elderly someday, but I also know that if I am still mentally alert, I would never expect my child to invite me to all their gatherings.

I would just be grateful that they provided an apartment for me, if I needed it.

I won't however need that, because I have already made plans for my dotage.  I do not want to be a burden to my children. 

All my friends feel the same and have planned for their dotage, too.
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Well. What is actually *true*? Once you know that, clear in your own mind, then you can work out a way of putting it that isn't hurtful to your father.

So. There are you and your husband, hosting a nice dinner for your friends at your house. So far so good.

You often do include your father in these occasions; but just sometimes, fair enough, you want to hang out with your friends-and-contemporaries and at those times, you want your father to make himself scarce. Truth of it is, he's not welcome.

Why?

Well. Because he's of a different generation. Because his presence changes the ambience - not in a bad way, often in a good way, but it *changes* things. Because you, an adult woman, are still quite naturally going to feel inhibited by your father's being there - it puts constraints on what you can say and how you behave - goodness, maybe you'd just like to get completely sozzled once in a while and you won't enjoy yourself so freely if there's a pair of eyes on you behind which the person is thinking "I didn't bring her up to ruin her liver..."

But ALL of this still boils down to "you're not welcome."

Can't see how you can tell him that without hurting his feelings.

Does he ever go anywhere else? Does he have friends of his own?
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I went through the same thing. When my parents were living with us, they would insist that they have dinner with us each night.... and it was always a horror show. Both had Dementia/Alz. One night I made dinner for them, and then mentioned that hubby and I were going out to dinner with friends. Oh the grief that came after. At that time my Mom was still cooking, but what she was cooking was not healthy food, so one night I wanted to go out and get some Sushi (which they wouldn't eat). Well dear, you can go get it and bring it back and we'll eat together... IMHO sushi should be eaten at the restaurant, besides I just wanted a break from the craziness. Sorry I have no words of wisdom other than to say... been there, done that.
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As mentioned by others if your dad has any friends or there is any other family around trying to schedule his own "evening" with friends is what I would probably try (let your sibling make these few and far between evenings enjoyable for all). If that isn't in the cards maybe some form of the truth or an easy to accept truth, "we are having Bob's coworker and his wife over so it's a working social dinner and keeping it to the co'workers and wives is just more appropriate, the kids wont be included either". This is a tough one because my first guess about his asking why he isn't included rather than not even considering he would be or offering to stay home (many wouldn't really want to join in and prefer to stay in their own space) was the same as another poster, he has some anxiety about being "left out" or forgotten. Yes this is obviously irrational given his situation and all you do but being irrational isn't uncommon in his circumstance and he can't control that, i's irrational. This doesn't mean of course that you and your family can't or shouldn't have your separate events and life but it might help you approach it from a different angle. For me this is one of these situations I would even consider white lies if I couldn't find a better full truth way to have my independent social evening and make it ok with him. You of course know him best so maybe it's a simple as talking him out of wanting to be there "I didn't think you would want to have dinner with us, George can be really tiresome with a little wine". Whatever you choose to do, having dinner guests, date nights, weekends without your dad sometimes is ans important as doing those things without your children sometimes as is all the little groups and individual time in between so don't resolve this by compromising on that.
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How can you say" it's not personal" it most certainly is, you need to explain it that way to your pops. We need personal space, remind him how lucky he is to live in his own home behind his fav child and not a care center or living arrangements.
He will understand if you just tell him the truth. Invite yourself and your family too his house behind your and that should help. If you didn't want him at your house everyday? Why did you put him in a FIL house behind your. Or I guess you can dig a mote around his house. 😊
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My understanding of the question is that the get together would be at the OP's house - kind of hard to fib about that.

I think the core issue is either a reluctance to set reasonable boundaries - Father has his own suite and doesn't (shouldn't, for your own peace of mind) need to be enmeshed in every aspect of your life - or Father's refusal to accept them, which is really all about establishing the ground rules of living together so that you (and importantly, your spouse) don't end up feeling like your home is no longer your own.
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Your desire to entertain your friends in your home is certainly reasonable _but_ that doesn't mean your father is being unreasonable when he wants to know why he is excluded from some dinners with friends and not from others. If you and your husband have become his primary social contacts, he may look forward to those dinners as the highpoint of his day and be more disappointed when something denies that socialization.

Imagine yourself sitting in a room alone, able to hear the voices and laughter of others in the home and having been told your presence in that company is not welcome - what would you feel? Would knowing that you were "usually" welcome make you feel any better? Wouldn't you want to understand why someone who loves you wants you to feel that way?

So how do you prevent your father from feeling isolated? Are there other family or his friends that could join your father in his suite when you entertain so your father doesn't feel alone? Could he visit with other family members in their home that evening? If entertaining your friends in a private setting is that important to you (and it's certainly understandable that it is), is there a hotel hospitality suite or private dining room you could engage?

i understand that you don't feel its "fair" that you cannot just entertain your friends in your home without this added complication but this is one of those real life situations that isn't "fair" to anyone. I encourage you to consider the golden rule and find a compromise that allows you to entertain while still showing compassion for your father.
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Maybe you could say you're grabbing or packing a quick sandwich then helping friends with a chore, such as cleaning out an attic or basement, or painting a room, etc., .... something that your dad wouldn't want to be involved in? White lies can sometimes be necessary with cognitively impaired persons.
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I like the couple's or date night idea. You need your outlets time too.
How about instead of - there's dinner in your freezer; get him a special movie or 2 to watch. Redbox has cheap $2 rentals. Or invite over one of his friends to keep him company. Maybe on another night so your not shuttling someone after entertaining.
If not how about a senior center to get him out of the house? He might balk at first, but then like it once he makes friends.
Sometimes they have shuttles to and from, sometimes not.
Or say dad this is my time. How about we do a night just for you. Whatever you want to eat that night, and games, or a movie he wants. If you have tv that has the old time shows, maybe record one for him. That way he gets to feel special too.
What if he were to meet your friends? Does he go to bed early? Maybe he can hang out for a bit b4 he says goodnight. He probably feels you guys are having fun and he's missing out on a party. He might find out he doesn't know the people, and is not missing out on anything. Lol.
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That's a hard one. You need your space or you're going to get burnt and fried quickly. I'd go out with friends and arrange a sitter or visitor if he needs one. It will be so much more pleasant to be out and not think of him sitting right next door feeling bad. Or arrange for someone to take him out on those nights.
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And geeves, you’ve hit on a great point! I often reflect on how the opposite worked when I was young, when balancing what I do for Mom. NO, they often had their adult things, right? You don’t tell him that, but it helps you. Terrific.
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First, you are right to pursue that 5% and please keep at it. I will trail off jeanneg’s last comment... I’d shift the focus to him not having any social contacts other than with you. And when your friends come, he gets additional pre-qualified nice people brought to him. It’s understandable!

Let him know you know it’s hard but we never lose the duty to seek out our own companions. Say you’d like to work on this together; find social centers, church groups, or morning coffee meetups at cafes nearby. It’s natural, a lot of older folks just find it easier to have one ‘built in’ social group, but it isn’t enough.

Gosh, since her 60s Mom has tried to ramrod me into being her social everything, and we don’t even get along that well. She’d just like to hide from the social vulnerability of trying to connect with others.  When she has a fit at my not agreeing with all her opinions or she says ‘You don’t know where I’m coming from,’ I say ‘You’re right! That’s why people seek out peers, more shared viewpoints!’  It’s a big reason why he should seek out a few nice people his own, to my mind.

Good luck! :)
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Hmmm. You will likely be in his shoes some day...and I doubt you'll expect to be included in everything. There is nothing wrong with wanting some semblance of an autonomous life. Sounds like you are providing a nice home for your dad. Set boundaries and then don't feel bad about it. It's OK, as far as I'm concerned but, as you can see, everyone thinks about this differently. Did he include you in everything he did, your whole life? Peace!
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If your dad doesn’t have dementia and you’re able to reason with him then there is nothing wrong with honesty. I think any therapist would tell you that. We are not obligated to have our parent with us for every meal. If he didn’t live there and you were having friends over would you call him up and invite him? Probably not...but because he lives in an attached home next door and you have him over often, it’s become a "thing" now. The best thing is to be up front and tell him tonight you are having a social night with friends and not family. Part of the issue is you are afraid of confrontation and the other part is your dad being too sensitive. He needs to see he is separate from you and your husband. I think in general you all are quite compassionate and kind to him including him as often as you do. Not inviting him to a social gathering is part of setting healthy boundaries. It’s needed and important. He is a big boy and will survive. You might even just sit down with your dad and explain things way before you have another gathering when it’s more neutral. Let him know there will be times when you will want to have friends over with just you and your husband.  Setting boundaries is what helps us not feel like we’re being run over or have no sense of rights.
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I suggest just eating out with your friends.. To my way of thinking, compassion trumps leaving dad out at home..

You'll likely be in his shoes someday.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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I know what you’re doing because it’s taken me years to decide I don’t owe my dad an explanation for what I do. I think it’s leftover from childhood, the respect for your parents, but we’re adults. No need to be rude, but also not necessary to provide an explanation for your choices. Grownups don’t have to do that!
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Why can't you eat out somewhere with friends. Problem is you have allowed him before.
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What are your father's infirmities? It sounds like he is fairly independent and can be left on his own for at least short periods. He doesn't have dementia does he? Any cognitive problems?

Don't be at all defensive or apologetic when explaining this to him. Call the time you go out "date nights." You can explain/discuss this with him once or twice. Didn't he like to go out with just your mother sometimes? Then don't discuss it again. Just announce that you have a date night scheduled on Friday; he has that good bean soup in the freezer.

Do something similar with the times you have friends over. Perhaps call it Couples Night or Friends Time or Social Evening. Think up something that fits and use that term consistently to mean having friends over without other family there. Again, explain the need to socialize with people approximately your age, without an older audience. If he sometimes did social things without including your mother (poker, golf, hunting, etc.) remind him how nice it is to have time with friends, and that it certainly doesn't mean you like your family member any less. After a couple of explanations, just announce that you are having a Social Evening on Thursday, and suggest he might like to invite a friend over and order pizza in his place.

You could also mention what you are planning for the next meal, to remind him that he is still included. "We're having a date night Sunday morning. Don't eat too much while we are gone because I'm planning beef stroganoff for dinner."

Does he have any friends in your neighborhood or reasonably close? Encourage him to have his own social evenings (or afternoons, etc.) Perhaps you could offer to make a special snack, or simple meal for them (and not join them, of course). If he is at an age where many of his friends have died or moved out of state to be with their children or if moving to be close to you meant he left friends behind he can feel isolated. If you are his only social outlet and you are excluding him, my gosh, what is he going to do! Does he have his own social life now? Encouraging some activities that don't include you might be a good idea.
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I know what you mean. My husband and I and kids planned to go on vacation in July way before mom moved in. I thought briefly about taking her, but it would be more work than fun, and frankly I could do that here.

I'm wanting to have her stay a week at an AL facility for respite since we are considering facilities anyway. That way she can try it out and see if it's a good fit.

I'm having the same problem with not knowing how to tell her she can't come on vacation with us. I've thought about cancelling but hubby and I and family really need this.

Sounds like you too need to have the alone time with just your hubby and friends. I understand though about wanting to be sensitive. Sometimes with parents it's like we're teenagers again, having to sneak out.
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Think of this in the reverse - 95% of the time you ate dinner with your family, even when they had friends over... wouldn't you want to know why you were not included? If you want to have a couples only night or a date night with your husband just tell him that and mention the options in his freezer. There must be more to your problem than you are telling us...?
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The first thing that comes to my mind is "My friends are coming over tonight to visit with my husband and I." If he continues to press, ask him why the idea is bothering him.

Sure, being excluded from the odd meal isn't anything to get worked up over, but seniors are often socially or physically limited by what they can do and They Know It...your father might be bundling up worries about abandonment, you not 'really' wanting him around, even missing his own friends he no longer sees.

Be firm but compassionate; your father doesn't NEED to be involved in every single meal, but you're right in wanting to be sensitive about this.
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