His wife has to get guardianship, to put him in a facility. I feel so guilty for not being able to share the process with her, and him. I am financially strapped, and travel is costly. How can I still be involved?
Lot's of good advice, ideas here and of course your relationship to his wife is an important piece. My dad has been married to his current wife for 30 years now and they moved to AZ a few years ago. After going through my mom's stroke and heart surgery and now being her caretakers my brothers and I knew we needed to talk to him about what he wants should he have a major medical event. Especially with the added complications of a wife that isn't our mom and the distance from all of us. I know you didn't get a chance to talk with your dad before his condition got to this point and I don't know if he can still have lucid conversations enough but I can tell you that even more important to our situation for me was the unexpected conversation I had with my dad's wife. Maybe a conversation with your dads wife will be as fruitful.
I was present at every conversation with doctors and other personnel at the hospital as well as appointments since that I wasn't there for physically (doesn't happen often) via Face Time. In fact I was the only one in the meeting with mom (who had severe aphasia and couldn't communicate with strangers) and the coordinator from the hospital when he came in to talk about her rehab options and where she would go from the hospital a few days after the stroke. I was in the room via Face Time because I was still making the arrangements to be in CT for an indefinite period once I went. You can be there without being able to physically touch people and the bonus was Face Timing with her family was really good for my mom too, helped her feel more grounded and surrounded by people she loved and trusted rather than the strangers in the hospital. It distracted her too when we would visit with my brother in CA, he would walk her/us around his property and his projects, pop in on his kids from room to room and kind of do a casual visit/talk the way we might if we were actually there. It's helpful to have someone other than the patient on that end so maybe this is something you could suggest doing or just initiate with your dad and his wife, doing that from their home might help introduce the idea for medical appointments. The other thing I've been looking at lately is the Amazon Show, it would just be for contact with your dad either while he's home or in residential care or some sort but seems like it could be great for staying connected because he doesn't have to do anything to make it happen, that was/is a drawback with FT for us because Mom just can't seem to remember how to even answer on her own reliably. Technology is very hard for her.
I also do a fair share of the care taking from home now, scheduling doctors appointments, communicating with doctors about all sorts of things (many on going issues as well as her being diabetic with memory and thought processing issues) tracking her glucose readings, managing her prescriptions, ordering refills, getting renewals (I have them delivered to my brother), scheduling her van rides, renting the bedrooms upstairs, VNA stuff, there is a lot one can take care of with a computer, smart phone and a phone. We are fortunate the majority of her doctors are on a system that gives patients computer access to test results and communicating with providers via messaging about anything non-emergent. Picking up any of those duties and staying in close communication with your dad and his wife as you do would both help tremendously and enable you to feel more involved.
Good luck and pace yourself this may be more of a marathon than a sprint and while the learning curve is high because it has to be there will always be some sort of immediate need to take care of, in my experience and unless you have been down this road before it's hard to know all the things you will need to set up or do. This goes for both you and your dad's wife of course so be patient with her too, when your feeling stressed and overwhelmed remember she is likely feeling the same in triple as the person watching it all unfold everyday and who's life has really been turned upside down. There will be times you each feel frustrated with the other, no matter how close you are because it's not really about the other person it's just the feelings having to spill out somewhere. But taking the advice here to be her support system, go slow and don't put more demands on her rather approach as though you were her best friend, what would you do to help her through this and let it grow naturally from there. Just doing this, being her sounding board, will give you the connection you crave and likely more can grow from there. I know it isn't the same as being there physically but especially if Face Time or Skype can be arranged here and there it's the next best thing. Lot's of positive energy, support and love to you and your family.
Consider joining a support group for caregivers whose loved ones have dementia. The group I belong to had family members drop in whose father lived several states away. On their first visit a son and his half-sister came. The next time son came again and a step-sister came with him. The third (and final time) all three of them came. It was an extremely large and very blended family. The father had been widowed twice, remarried, and had children from all three marriages. They were scattered all over the country.
It was clear that coming to these meetings was very educational for them. Sometimes you could practically see the light bulbs go on over their heads. One of the caregivers would be explaining difficult behaviors and another caregiver would be nodding and others would talk about their experiences with that behavior. And Son would say to half/step sister, "ahhh ... that's what Mom was talking about." At the second meeting one said, "this is what the brother that lives nearby told us over the phone..." and we could react to that with them. They said on their final visit that they had a much better understanding of what their caregiving parent was going through, and better ideas of how to support her.
Coming here was very smart of you, Dadgurl5. You are hearing from people who are or have been in your father's wife's position. I hope you are finding it helpful. If you can locate an in-person support group near you, that might be educational, too.
Praying is totally free - and I do believe it helps.
Let his new wife know that you care - that means the world! Out of DH's 3 children, only one calls every week. The other 2 don't even call once a month.
Another perspective: First you need to assess your relationship with your father's wife. For example, 1. Were you fully aware of her efforts to put your father in a facility? 2. Did she discuss this decision with you before it made? 3. Since she married your father, have you consistently reached out to her to establish an ongoing relationship. 4. How is she likely to react to your overtures? if your answers are no, then do you have other motives for connecting with your father now? love, guilt or something else? I suggest that you try to put yourself in her place. She probably did not envision being a guardian for your father when she married him. She may find it difficult to deal with the loss of a spouse. In addition, she may not know how to relate to you. IMO, second wives/companions are often in a difficult spot with respect to adult children from a previous marriage. All too often, adult children view the new spouse as an enemy or usurper. money makes these relationships worse as adult children sometimes view the new spouse as taking/using what they perceive they are entitled to. For example, my companion's three adult sons are highly resentful of me because they envisioned unlimited access to their workaholic father. They perceive that I am flagrantly spending their inheritance. At the same time, they choose to ignore the $2 m that their father frittered away long before he met me. They chose to ignore that I am reliving them of the responsibility of coping with their father's memory loss, with its many issues. Thus if I were your father's wife, I would be extremely wary of your overtures if they came out of the blue. While all the above suggestions are appropriate, the real questions are whether your father will recognize them as coming from you and whether they are the type of support that his second wife will value. Only you can evaluate the situation. Good luck and tread lightly.
You've received excellent advice on working with your stepmother, and how to make this a partnership in which you can complement her activities. This may even bring the two of you closer together, which would be beneficial not only for both of you but for your father as well.
- Skype or FaceTime (if everybody’s Apple) with her regularly - digital photo frame for dad of images from your childhood that his current wife would not have or know who / what is in the images. Include a description of what’s what for her too. - baked goods you send to her for dad and bake extra so she can leave some with AM/PM staff at the facility. She likely won’t have time to do stuff like this. - dad will have an about every 90 days a “care plan meeting”. For my mom, the NH sent me a letter around 3 weeks in advance with a block of times & days for my moms that could be options. Work with her to try to arrange for the meeting to happen when you can schedule in advance time off to go. CPM are brief maybe 30 minutes tops but everybody from different divisions are there..... nursing, dietary, activities, social work. CPM were to me priceless as you found out things you’d not ever know... like my mom was the ribbon cutter at activities as she was ok on arthritis to do and could still be cognizant to measure and understood kid scissors. Also if you take a snack to the CPM you get more time as everybody finds reasons to linger a bit more.....
Don’t judge her or undermine decisions made, its a heart wrenching situation for her. Have her back if others in the past family carp on her and what dads situation is. Hopefully folks don’t creep out from the past to make problems but you never know what motivates folks. Be there for her & your dad.
A new book came out for and about long distance caregivers, and you can get it on Amazon. amazon.com/When-Family-Calls-Long-Distance-Caregiving/dp/1936449765 Great book! An occasional gift certificate for a massage or pedicure is a nice way to take care of her or a gift card to a restaurant or movie theatre she enjoys. A pretty journal is a nice gift. Meanwhile, knowing that your father will be living in a facility must be very difficult for you. Make sure that you take good care of yourself, as well. Keeping a journal and exercising is very beneficial.
I suspect that instead of guilt what you are feeling is that "you" have an expectation in your own mind that you are supposed to be doing more. Well here it is...reality....you live too far away. In my case I’m the sole caregiver with 2 sisters who love too far away to help. However...they do give me their moral support which is much appreciated. So just like the others said..keep in touch with her...listen to her and don’t give advice where it’s not asked for. She needs support of the listening, loving kind. Ask her to share with you maybe in a weekly phone chat what’s going on, her feelings etc. lastly encourage her to join this forum so she can get support from the group. You sound like a loving daughter.
I also would agree with sending cards, as well as books primarily containing soothing photos....baby animals, beautiful scenery,.... subjects like that. Country and Country Extra magazines are great for this, as are some NatGeo specials (the basic regular magazines are often as well, but there's too much text for someone with dementia to navigate).
And send them to both him and his wife. She can benefit from the "pick-me-up" cards provide. I also would agree to ask her what you can do to help, such as research. And call periodically to ask about her health. Caregiving is lonely, and knowing that someone actually cares can make a world of difference.
Yep, I agree too. Support his wife. Send cards, pictures, short notes to let your dad know you're thinking of him.
If your dad's wife mentions having to research something, medications or facilites or things of that nature offer to do the research for her and send it to her via email or snail mail. But only offer if she mentions something. You don't want to be overbearing and I know it wouldn't be overbearing but a gesture to help her but she may not perceive it that way so tread lightly when offering to help long-distance.
When my grandmother had Alzheimer's my mom and her 2 sisters were in touch. The one sister lived out of town and she frequently sent newspaper articles and books and other things of that sort. It was because she lived far away and wanted to be supportive but it drove my mom nuts because my mom felt that if she didn't read a book my aunt recommended or utilize suggestions from a newspaper article she would be discounting my aunt's attempts to help and my mom didn't want to do that. My aunt was trying to be helpful because she lived out of town but her help put more stress on my mom. My mom understood that my aunt was just trying to be supportive but it was too much support that added to my mom's already full plate.
Stay in contact with his wife. Be supportive. Of course you'll want to know how he is doing, but be careful not to sound like you are quizzing her to judge her caring skills. She is in a very challenging role. Tell her things like how glad you are that Dad has her in his life.
Stay in touch with Dad as much as you can. Can he still converse on the phone? You might ask her advice. "What is the best time of day to call him?" or "I'm thinking of sending Dad pictures of me once in a while, at work or in my garden, things like that. Do you think that would be good?"
A good way to support Dad now is to support his primary caregiver, his wife.
I was present at every conversation with doctors and other personnel at the hospital as well as appointments since that I wasn't there for physically (doesn't happen often) via Face Time. In fact I was the only one in the meeting with mom (who had severe aphasia and couldn't communicate with strangers) and the coordinator from the hospital when he came in to talk about her rehab options and where she would go from the hospital a few days after the stroke. I was in the room via Face Time because I was still making the arrangements to be in CT for an indefinite period once I went. You can be there without being able to physically touch people and the bonus was Face Timing with her family was really good for my mom too, helped her feel more grounded and surrounded by people she loved and trusted rather than the strangers in the hospital. It distracted her too when we would visit with my brother in CA, he would walk her/us around his property and his projects, pop in on his kids from room to room and kind of do a casual visit/talk the way we might if we were actually there. It's helpful to have someone other than the patient on that end so maybe this is something you could suggest doing or just initiate with your dad and his wife, doing that from their home might help introduce the idea for medical appointments. The other thing I've been looking at lately is the Amazon Show, it would just be for contact with your dad either while he's home or in residential care or some sort but seems like it could be great for staying connected because he doesn't have to do anything to make it happen, that was/is a drawback with FT for us because Mom just can't seem to remember how to even answer on her own reliably. Technology is very hard for her.
I also do a fair share of the care taking from home now, scheduling doctors appointments, communicating with doctors about all sorts of things (many on going issues as well as her being diabetic with memory and thought processing issues) tracking her glucose readings, managing her prescriptions, ordering refills, getting renewals (I have them delivered to my brother), scheduling her van rides, renting the bedrooms upstairs, VNA stuff, there is a lot one can take care of with a computer, smart phone and a phone. We are fortunate the majority of her doctors are on a system that gives patients computer access to test results and communicating with providers via messaging about anything non-emergent. Picking up any of those duties and staying in close communication with your dad and his wife as you do would both help tremendously and enable you to feel more involved.
Good luck and pace yourself this may be more of a marathon than a sprint and while the learning curve is high because it has to be there will always be some sort of immediate need to take care of, in my experience and unless you have been down this road before it's hard to know all the things you will need to set up or do. This goes for both you and your dad's wife of course so be patient with her too, when your feeling stressed and overwhelmed remember she is likely feeling the same in triple as the person watching it all unfold everyday and who's life has really been turned upside down. There will be times you each feel frustrated with the other, no matter how close you are because it's not really about the other person it's just the feelings having to spill out somewhere. But taking the advice here to be her support system, go slow and don't put more demands on her rather approach as though you were her best friend, what would you do to help her through this and let it grow naturally from there. Just doing this, being her sounding board, will give you the connection you crave and likely more can grow from there. I know it isn't the same as being there physically but especially if Face Time or Skype can be arranged here and there it's the next best thing. Lot's of positive energy, support and love to you and your family.
#2 Send cards
#3 Send photos
#4 Repeat
It was clear that coming to these meetings was very educational for them. Sometimes you could practically see the light bulbs go on over their heads. One of the caregivers would be explaining difficult behaviors and another caregiver would be nodding and others would talk about their experiences with that behavior. And Son would say to half/step sister, "ahhh ... that's what Mom was talking about." At the second meeting one said, "this is what the brother that lives nearby told us over the phone..." and we could react to that with them. They said on their final visit that they had a much better understanding of what their caregiving parent was going through, and better ideas of how to support her.
Coming here was very smart of you, Dadgurl5. You are hearing from people who are or have been in your father's wife's position. I hope you are finding it helpful. If you can locate an in-person support group near you, that might be educational, too.
Let his new wife know that you care - that means the world! Out of DH's 3 children, only one calls every week. The other 2 don't even call once a month.
Be the one that calls and cares.
For example,
1. Were you fully aware of her efforts to put your father in a facility?
2. Did she discuss this decision with you before it made?
3. Since she married your father, have you consistently reached out to her to establish an ongoing relationship.
4. How is she likely to react to your overtures?
if your answers are no, then do you have other motives for connecting with your father now? love, guilt or something else?
I suggest that you try to put yourself in her place. She probably did not envision being a guardian for your father when she married him. She may find it difficult to deal with the loss of a spouse. In addition, she may not know how to relate to you. IMO, second wives/companions are often in a difficult spot with respect to adult children from a previous marriage. All too often, adult children view the new spouse as an enemy or usurper. money makes these relationships worse as adult children sometimes view the new spouse as taking/using what they perceive they are entitled to. For example, my companion's three adult sons are highly resentful of me because they envisioned unlimited access to their workaholic father. They perceive that I am flagrantly spending their inheritance. At the same time, they choose to ignore the $2 m that their father frittered away long before he met me. They chose to ignore that I am reliving them of the responsibility of coping with their father's memory loss, with its many issues.
Thus if I were your father's wife, I would be extremely wary of your overtures if they came out of the blue.
While all the above suggestions are appropriate, the real questions are whether your father will recognize them as coming from you and whether they are the type of support that his second wife will value.
Only you can evaluate the situation.
Good luck and tread lightly.
- digital photo frame for dad of images from your childhood that his current wife would not have or know who / what is in the images. Include a description of what’s what for her too.
- baked goods you send to her for dad and bake extra so she can leave some with AM/PM staff at the facility. She likely won’t have time to do stuff like this.
- dad will have an about every 90 days a “care plan meeting”. For my mom, the NH sent me a letter around 3 weeks in advance with a block of times & days for my moms that could be options. Work with her to try to arrange for the meeting to happen when you can schedule in advance time off to go. CPM are brief maybe 30 minutes tops but everybody from different divisions are there..... nursing, dietary, activities, social work. CPM were to me priceless as you found out things you’d not ever know... like my mom was the ribbon cutter at activities as she was ok on arthritis to do and could still be cognizant to measure and understood kid scissors. Also if you take a snack to the CPM you get more time as everybody finds reasons to linger a bit more.....
Don’t judge her or undermine decisions made, its a heart wrenching situation for her. Have her back if others in the past family carp on her and what dads situation is. Hopefully folks don’t creep out from the past to make problems but you never know what motivates folks. Be there for her & your dad.
An occasional gift certificate for a massage or pedicure is a nice way to take care of her or a gift card to a restaurant or movie theatre she enjoys. A pretty journal is a nice gift.
Meanwhile, knowing that your father will be living in a facility must be very difficult for you. Make sure that you take good care of yourself, as well. Keeping a journal and exercising is very beneficial.
And send them to both him and his wife. She can benefit from the "pick-me-up" cards provide. I also would agree to ask her what you can do to help, such as research. And call periodically to ask about her health. Caregiving is lonely, and knowing that someone actually cares can make a world of difference.
If your dad's wife mentions having to research something, medications or facilites or things of that nature offer to do the research for her and send it to her via email or snail mail. But only offer if she mentions something. You don't want to be overbearing and I know it wouldn't be overbearing but a gesture to help her but she may not perceive it that way so tread lightly when offering to help long-distance.
When my grandmother had Alzheimer's my mom and her 2 sisters were in touch. The one sister lived out of town and she frequently sent newspaper articles and books and other things of that sort. It was because she lived far away and wanted to be supportive but it drove my mom nuts because my mom felt that if she didn't read a book my aunt recommended or utilize suggestions from a newspaper article she would be discounting my aunt's attempts to help and my mom didn't want to do that. My aunt was trying to be helpful because she lived out of town but her help put more stress on my mom. My mom understood that my aunt was just trying to be supportive but it was too much support that added to my mom's already full plate.
So be helpful and supportive but not pushy. :-)
But shed the guilt. You didn't move to a different state, he did.
Stay in contact with his wife. Be supportive. Of course you'll want to know how he is doing, but be careful not to sound like you are quizzing her to judge her caring skills. She is in a very challenging role. Tell her things like how glad you are that Dad has her in his life.
Stay in touch with Dad as much as you can. Can he still converse on the phone? You might ask her advice. "What is the best time of day to call him?" or "I'm thinking of sending Dad pictures of me once in a while, at work or in my garden, things like that. Do you think that would be good?"
A good way to support Dad now is to support his primary caregiver, his wife.