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My Father is in care facility. Has been for 10 months. He is determined he's not settling, says he hates the place and is going home. Tells me staff hopeless, steals his things and forget everything he asks. Tells the staff I am useless as I won't get him out. The care facility is very good. He tells lies to try to get his own way. I have arranged to speak to him tomorrow with a staff member present to tell him legally he can't go home as certificates issued by 2 doctors confirming he does not have capacity to make decisions about his care. I have POA for him. The soft soap does not work. Any suggestions as to how to word this?

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I speak with many years of experience. Being in these situations for the remaining family is very difficult, to say the least. However, I have learned the hard way, if there comes a time when, regardless of the reasons, physical or mental, that the parents or spouse or whoever by their actions and words are starting to have a deteriorating effect on YOU and your quality of life, especially when you have done all in your power to be kind and help them in every way, you have to find the guts to REMOVE THEM. They lived their lives and now you are living yours. You cannot allow them to destroy you. Another thing I learned through trial and error is that at first you try to reason and be kind, polite, compassionate, etc. But if they don't "behave" (and they won't because they can't), then you need to become very tough and firm with them, no more pussyfooting around to be so sweet and diplomatic. It does not work. And if it still gets worse, then juste explode and let them have it. I know they most likely won't understand or get upset but what you are doing is saving your sanity by letting loose and not holding it in. You have no choice. I started doing this and in many cases it worked. Good luck and be strong.
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We are also going through this.
Please don’t tell your Dad that “this is your home now.” Long term care will never be anyone’s home as they remember home.

We have told our Dad that the doctors need him to stay there for now. We have told him that we love him and are on his side. We have told him that the doctors want him to be somewhere safe. We have told him my brother has guardianship and decides Dad’s living situation and medical help. None of it makes any difference to him.

He is on psych meds, he has vascular dementia, and delusional. My brother has guardianship. Whatever we tell him really doesn’t matter because he changes the facts and his reactions in order to make sense to him.

What I am trying to say is to prepare yourself. You cannot reason with a brain being damaged by dementia.
He may keep saying the same things
after being told the cold hard facts.

This dementia is as difficult for the family as for the person with dementia.
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If 2 doctors signed off he needs 24/7 care that should be good enough. My Mom was not formally diagnosed. I don't have anything in writing but she had Dementia. Not being able to reason, short term memory loss, processing what is being said. Childlike behaviour. You will tell Dad the reasons why he is there and he probably will forget what you said an hour later. Let him rant, they all do it. Just say "Dad, for now, this is where the doctor needs you to be". Blame the doctor. The nurses know how to handle him. Maybe a med to calm him.
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YES, he needs to be referred for a mental health evaluation, for sure! Can you get him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?

By the way, my mom had vascular dementia and couldn't reason her way out of a paper bag, and certainly couldn't make her own decisions. Yet she could pass a mini mental exam until about 6 months before she died. It certain kinds of dementia, only a full scale neurocognitive evaluation tells you the whole story.
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Patience13 Aug 17, 2018
Thank you for kind words. It helps. Just find it hard to handle when he rants. I know I need to walk away when this happens. Lots of the behaviour very child like.
He seems to blame me for all of this. Or someone else. Always someone's fault.
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Barb is right. Since there hasn’t been a definitive diagnosis regarding your dad, I know it’s very difficult to accept that he has what we call a “broken brain”. But you need to face the fact that for whatever reason, whether it’s dementia or some other mental issue, his behavior is not considered “normal”. You wrote he was tested 2 years ago, and it seems he has declined significantly since then. You cannot validate what he says. We call this FOG, meaning fear, obligation and guilt. You fear Dad’s raging and you feel obligated to validate his anger and try to find a solution. You feel guilty and sad because now, you are “the parent”.

Dad is where he needs to be. Most likely, he does what’s known as “showtiming”,and those are the times he seems sharp and with it. But he’s really not. Leave the explanations to the professionals. You are too close to the situation and he intimidates you. You try to placate him and that can make the situation worse. He’s not putting anything over on anyone at the facility. My mother was in a facility. She was angry and delusional and they absolutely knew how to treat her without validating her behavior.
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Patience13 Aug 17, 2018
Thank you for your sound advice. It just becomes so Waring. You are right I think now I am a bit intimidated by it all. Then I get angry about it. I should really just walk away when it's bad.
He behaves much better for the staff. They say he's no bother
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He was put there because two doc's determined he cannot make his own wise medical care decisions? Yet it sounds like he is competent? He has the right to make his own decisions regardless of how bad you think they are.

What caused him being placed? Was he refusing doctor visits? Living in unsanitary conditions? Those are examples of bad choices that he has the right to make.
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Really unsure if he has dementia. Tested 2 years ago. Failed the test badly. Brain scan showed on verge. Care home staff nurses and I think he has. They got doctor to speak to him. He could answer all questions. When asked if he had settled in care home it was like a switch being flicked. He is being kept against his will and was put there under false pretences.( Not true). He has been referred to mental health service before anti depressants can be considered . Doctor did think something not right. Been established in past he has cognitive decline.Nurse in home told me this is the procedure and if he's in care facility rules Need to be followed strictly. A week later he tells me he's been in care since he was 40. !! Loads of crazy ideas and behaviour but some days quite sharp.l just don't know. Xx
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Does your dad have dementia?

If he does, telling him, even with a staff member present that he's not going home probably won't do much good.

Has he been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes meds can help in the case of an elder who is agitated and irritable.

Are you able to say "dad, I'm working on it" and not particularly care if he gets upset? That's the key here. Not really getting upset when he rants.

It's not your fault.
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