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I am new to the forum. Mom has dementia and Dad denies having dementia but has been diagnosed with it. He is incredibly hateful to the in-home caregivers and to me. All of this happens around Mom. I am very concerned this is having an impact on her. She had a screaming episode right after he was very ugly to me on the phone.


I am in the middle of a guardianship battle with my Dad which is a strain on everyone. He can no longer take care of himself and in total denial. I have already been appointed Mom's guardian.


I am guessing he is in the early stages and Mom is probably mid-stage. Hers came on after a stroke 5 years ago. Mom is 89 and Dad is 90.

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You are your mother's guardian. Please remove her from this abusive circumstance and place her in care where she will be safe. Then pursue what can be pursued with your father. You say he has dementia and is diagnosed as having it. You almost certainly will win your guardianship over him. However, placement, with his actions, will be a problem and I think it should not be with your poor Mom. I am guessing this just from what you tell me. It could be that this is their "norm" and overall it works for them. But, doesn't sound good from what you say. Dad could have the sort of dementia that has outbursts of anger and paranoia. That could constitute a danger for your Mom if she is kept placed with him. Sorry you are going through this. Cannot even imagine the expense, let alone the constant trauma for you in your life.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Thanks to all for the feedback.  I agree I "should" get guardianship of Dad but my Attorney tells me some Judges really don't like to take away someone's freedom till there are no other choices.
I think our court date is going to be delayed so I am going to petition the court to bring Mom to Texas until the guardianship of Dad is resolved.  I want to see how well Mom does without Dad around or will she be a huge problem.
Alvadeer, you may have a very good point, his moods swing so much, I have told the caregivers he is a box of cracker jacks, have no clue what you are going to get.  There is a chance with proper medication Dad will settle down but currently he administers his own meds, which is another big problem.
It is so hard when you know someone needs your help and they flat refuse it.
Thanks,
Cindy
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Reply to anonymous976068
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whiteraven Nov 6, 2019
My dad had dementia and he was angry with my mom a lot. Anti-depressants and medication management in Assisted Living helped him to mellow out. He would actually laugh, which was so unusual for him.

I wonder if that is an angle you can pursue, he needs someone to monitor his meds, its not safe for someone to be in charge of their own meds when they have problems with memory.
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It just goes to show how there is no roadmap for dementia. Yes, some people get meaner. If he in any way becomes threatening, you should call 911 for emergency evaluation. It sounds like dad needs medication. Of course once prescribed, someone will need to supervise. Good luck.
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Reply to MACinCT
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cew740, if your Dad is being mean and ugly to others, have Dad tested for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection in an older person can cause all types of strange symptoms, and even can mimic dementia.

An UTI test is easy for Dad, he just needs to pee in a cup at the doctor's office. If Dad does have UTI, he will be given antibiotics. Hopefully that will clear up the UTI and Dad will chill out.

If it isn't a UTI, Dad probably is upset that this isn't the retirement he had planned for your Mom and himself. Getting old is tough. There are so many things that elder find very difficult to do. I would be grumpy, too.
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Reply to freqflyer
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I'd seek safety for all involved. Don't underestimate someone who acts or talks violent. You can call 911 or social services. I'd consult with an Elder Law attorney to get the options. There are emergency orders to get help for those who are dangerous.

Being Guardian for one person is a huge responsibility. I might inquire from an attorney about options for your father's Guardianship. Sometimes, the court can appoint a professional person to be the Guardian. I'd inquire from an attorney your responsibility as a Guardian of someone who is acting out and resistant to care.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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If this man is as horrible as it sounds, then why on earth is he not removed and put into a facility. Of course, he is causing problems for your other. Your father is mean and stubborn and nothing can justify allowing him to behave this way. I doubt you can stop it. Something must immediately be done to separate him from those he is harming. No if's, and's or but's. Let the medical profession deal with him and get the help you need to get him out of your life. If you don't, he will destroy everyone around him.
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Reply to Riley2166
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People with dementia have difficulty expressing themselves. Dad is frustrated with lack of control, having his routines and environment changes, and thwarted expectations in life. Get dad to a doctor and discuss his problems/symptoms with the physician. He may have a UTI or anxiety. Both can be treated with medications. Also try to establish a routine for dad and mom with the in-home caregivers that all abide by. He may still be surly for awhile, but should settle when he knows what to expect.
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Reply to Taarna
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I'd not move mom to TX but first move her to a MC facility in the state where she is currently. This would be faster and you might be able to show the court that you moved mom to the facility for her own protection since Dad is not taking meds as prescribed, helping your guardianship case.
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Reply to surprise
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Two people with dementia and one not admitting it does not a good mix make. This dynamic MUST change.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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My former mother-in-law has Alzheimer's disease. She is now in a late stage, but when in earlier stages, she definitely picked up on her husband's bad moods and unkind behavior. It's not clear she knew what he was saying but she certainly could hear the tone of his voice. I don't think it accelerated the course of her illness, but it did make her behaviors worse, by making her more anxious. That started a vicious cycle of her being harder to deal with and her husband getting more anxious and saying more mean things. Both your parents would benefit from being apart from each other.
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Reply to Rosered6
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