My father is scared, stubborn and won't accept help. Any ideas?

dontgetthechees: Unfortunately, this is an all too common dilemma for the adult child of the elder and I am sorry that your dad has reached this stage. Perhaps you can hire an individual to help him out, e.g. cleaning/household chores, etc. His low vision IS a handicap, but he can probably get some help through the COB (Commissioner of the Blind). My late mother was legally blind, but managed quite well to live alone - until her blood pressure bottomed out and I had to move there. A per state run agency, you could locate the phone number in the state where he resides. Good luck to you, sir.

As I've always said 'Growing old is not for wimps!' ;) I've often said so to my parents to offer a joke and some type of comfort to acknowledge their difficulties. Or 'We are all getting older every day. I would want the help one day, when I need it. So I am going to plan for you to get assistance to make your life easier and more comfortable.' You must make the best safety decisions now for your blind father. A house piled in garbage is likely to have mice or worse rodents lurking about. That's no way for our loved ones to live. Thank you for caring and noticing the need for change and a safe living environment for your dad.

Hello: I also know what u are going through. My dad passed away Oct. 15, 2018. He was in a car accident at 79. He was still working, 18 wheeler truck driver. He was driving up to Maine and back. No more long hauls. He hits a tree with his pick up truck at 7pm on a tues. Night. Anyway, he died, they brought him back. Rushed to hospital. Oxygen full time after....retired the following year. Anyway, it was a trip. He needed a lot if medical treatment at first. Stayed in a respiratory rehab for a month. Idk how he did it. We had his house cleaned from my cousin. After, he would not hire anyone and i couldn't do it. As he got stronger he hated me cleaning up as he's in bed. So i stopped. Fast forward winter 2017. He's starting to look sick again, etc. I asked his pulmonologist how i could get him out of the house or help for him. He says, unless the board of health goes in, there's nothing i can do. I feel sometimes docs don't care. I know it's not their issue, but maybe try to talk to them especially when dad can pay, but chooses to live in filth.

I completely understand! I went through this with my dad. I live several hours away, but spoke with him regularly and visited as often as possible. I would set up housekeepers and caregivers and he repeatedly let them go. After a serious crisis, I ended-up living with and caring for him for a month. During this time he was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. It was a struggle to get him placed in an assisted living. We had an intervention appointment with his primary care doctor. I messaged the doctor and let him know what the living situation was. He set up the appointment. He frankly told him he could not live at home. It has not been an easy transition, but he has adjusted to the assisted living fairly well. Though he has a way of guilting me, he truly needs the care. Sadly, he is now hospitalized with sepsis and COvid. However, the assisted living team continues to be a great support for him and myself. I do not know what the future holds, but he received excellent intervention from the assisted living team upon displaying “unique” symptoms of illness. Had he still been living at home, he may not have been discovered I’ll or deceased for days. The resistance is painful. However, he could no longer live alone without putting himself and possibly others ( he was driving recklessly) at risk for devastating outcomes.

Dear "dontgetthechees",

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time getting your father to accept help. You aren't the first to experience this as it's common with the elderly. They don't want to admit they "need" it. It would mean accepting the fact that they can no longer be as independent as they used to be or would like to continue being.
With him being "basically blind" this could be a dangerous situation for him. Don't ask him permission as they will always say "no, I don't need/don't want help." You would just have to in a calm, matter-of-fact way say I have "so and so" coming to do x,y,z.

You would probably need to hire on a permanent basis someone to do housecleaning weekly. Also, make a list of things that require "fixing" and try to get a handyman to take care of those things especially if you don't feel you have the ability to do it yourself. Obviously, the main problem with both of these is the pandemic. Otherwise, you could talk to a social worker at your local "Area of Aging Agency" and see what they would suggest and how to go about it. Good luck!

Is your dad the type that would want to help someone else?
If so could you maybe approach it this way...
There is a student that needs "Service Hours" to complete a course.
Would he allow the student to put in 4 hours a week helping around the house? You can make it any number of hours you want and 1 day a week or more if you think he would go for it.
Make up some paper that dad has to sign showing that the "student" was there for X number of hours.