My father is coughing only when I'm around him, any ideas why?

This post is from July. The OP only asked this question and did not respond to any replies. Probably not with us anymore.

Are you both vaping nicotine now? In my experience, it will coat your lungs and still causes coughing to clear phlegm daily. But apart from that, this is a socially mediated behavior. If it only occurs when you're present, then he wants something from *you.* Attention? Giving in to unreasonable demands? However, it should cease on its own if it's not reinforced. The important thing is that he is safe and not ill. I'm sorry it's bothering you. Try earplugs or headphones, maybe?

Try buying a whistle. Blow it when he coughs at you. That’s non violent, non argumentative. See how he reacts.

If you’re smoking, you’re going to smell like a smoker. People who don’t smoke can smell a smoker and it can play havoc on their respiratory passages. I sneeze if I’m around tobacco odor. Maybe you should give up smoking.

Could he be unconsciously covering up some feelings? I know someone who coughs when he is trying to cover something up...a good tell, nothing physically wrong.

Hi friend. My name is Chris and I have similar experiences with my step father. I've spoken to counselors and therapists and researched online and it seems that no one knows about this whole coughing thing. So first let me say I'm sorry about your mother. That's hard to deal with.
So In my case, yes my step father was a smoker as well which led me to smoking. We have never had a good relationship, he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me pretty much until I was 30. Because of that I started using drugs at 15, I'm 36 now and have been sober for a year. Yes my dad use to cough all the time but quit smoking years ago. I've lived with them the last year and a half and in that time I notice too that he coughs every time I come downstairs, every time he passes my bedroom, if I'm having a conversation with someone else in front of him, he coughs. I can't stand it.
In my case I feel, like I said he use to scream at me all the time and now we hardly speak so to me it almost feels like it's a way for him to, like you said "bark" at me. He doesn't express his anger like he use too but I know it is still inside him. Sometimes I think it's just a way for him to fill in the silence because he can't stand when no one is talking. He is too insecure with himself. But when we are around others or family he doesn't do it unless I start talking.
He has never respected me and his insecurities and fear have always been poured onto me with put downs. I hold a lot of resentment towards him and feel like if I had encouraging and loving parents then I would actually be somewhere in life. Instead I'm full of insecurities, anxiety, and depression.
I feel like the only reason he ever stopped screaming at me was, 1. So my mom wouldn't leave him and 2. Because I eventually grew physically bigger then him and he no longer has a weaker person to dump on. Now a days, he's 74 and we have a big family. Both my parents are way more loving to my siblings children then they ever were with me and my brother. I think because they realize that's the only way to keep them around and not eventually die alone. They don't love each other and will never admit that or the fact that they f*****d me up psychologically. They allow me to stay in their house while I'm in recovery and are willing to help me financially to the extent where I can live but not escape living with them.
But anyway.. the coughing. In our case I think my step dad uses as a way to undermind me. He can't scream at me because the rest of my family would not allow him around their children if he did. Oh he also does a lot of other passive aggressive things towards me. Like.... Just stupid s**t. If I leave something out outside my room, he will move it to where he sees fit. When I shower he goes and waters outside so I have no pressure. It's like a constant physiological battle that I'm not even fighting, to make me feel smaller then him. When I try and speak to my mom she just dismisses my feelings and protects his because if she actually acknowledged what I was saying as true then she would be admitting she's married to.... Let's just say I know she deserves much better than him.
So yeah I'm sorry to say, in my opinion I think your father may hold some kind of resentment or anger towards you and if he has never before the coughing started, he may not even realize that he does. In my case it feels like my step father ran out of ways to f**k with my head and coughing at me is the last resort. But it persists. All day every day from morning to night. So I avoid him. Which makes me avoid spending time with my mother which absolutely kills me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Maybe your father is more receptive to your feelings and talking with you about them. If so I encourage you to confront him about it and just ask him if there's anything he needs to get off his chest. Maybe you 2 can work it out together. I wish you both the best. I'd love to hear more from you if things get better.

Could be stress coughing.

I am with "notgoodenough". I am very sensitive to fragrances. I had my husband move down a few seats because the person in front of us had too much cologne on. Smoking dulls smell and taste. Maybe now Dad is no longer smoking he is sensitive to smells. I would ask him why when u come into a room does he start to cough. Does he get a tingling in his nose, scratchy throat. If so, could be an allergy or sensitivity to something you wear or where u work.

My Dad was a chain smoker for 50 yrs. He went cold turkey when he had heart surgery. He still had that smoker cough.

Before you convince yourself that dad is doing this to try to guilt you into something, have you absolutely ruled out anything physical? A barking cough, to me, would seem to indicate something physical - asthma, perhaps, or even croupe? Have you brought your dad to an allergist?

I think CWillie has a valid point - talking with you might be causing the cough. Have you eliminated anything physical you bring in (inadvertently) that might cause an allergic reaction? A cologne you wear, or a detergent/fabric softener you use? Do you have pets that you live with and thereby you carry in pet hair and/or dander into dad? My sisters-in-law own multiple cats, and my son & I are allergic; every time they come over to visit, we both end up starting to wheeze just from all of the dander in their clothing.

Have you asked dad if he is even aware of the coughing, and what he feels when it triggers?

I think the guilt you are already feeling might be driving your reaction. But there might very well be a medical reason why your dad is coughing, and you might want to try an allergist first before you start self-flagellating.

Good luck!

Hmm

There is a woman at my workplace that sighs everytime I pass by. Like a 'my day is so hard' kind of sigh. I was behind her one day & nope, no sigh as she passed other people! What's that about I wondered? We were on friendly terms, not especially close.. I came to a conclusion it was a form of communication. It was aimed at me (& possibly others) she may have considered sympathetic. I doubt it was a conscious thing.

I am wondering if a similar thing is happening with your Dad?

A little cough + a little how are you = a little more attention?

Here's a possible alternative explanation - when he's home alone he isn't talking but when you are home he is, and that can trigger coughing.

Welcome to the forum.

Are there any other hobbies your dad could do?

What about checking into mentoring programs at the local schools and see if they are doing any auto restoration projects and are interested in his knowledge.

I would be tempted to tell him that he should quit vaping if he is coughing so bad. I would also try telling him to stop when he starts. Don't get into any conversation about it, just "stop coughing" and move on.

Parents are really good at pushing our buttons, the trick is to flatten the button so they can't push it.

You are fairly sure that it’s fake to make you feel guilty. If your father is starting this behavior at age 74, it’s not a good sign. Manipulation like this can get much much worse, and make living together awful.

It might be worth telling him that if seeing you is making him cough, it’s not good for either of you, and you should not live together any longer. Sharing expenses probably works for both of you, but it’s not worth the increasing unhappiness that comes from deliberate vindictive manipulation. Start talking about other options for both of you. This may lead to him stopping the behavior. If it doesn’t, it’s the writing on the wall for separating. It may be what allows you to keep your love for him, instead of anger and resentment building. Genuinely!