My father is actively dying but my sister blames me because he no longer wants to eat. Any advice?

Ask the hospice nurse to explain the final stages of life to them. I took care of my Dad in the last year of his life 24/7. As his death drew near my sisters were still trying to get him to eat even though he couldn’t even speak or open his eyes.
We had wonderful hospice nurses and coming from them, answers were easier to accept.

I'm tempted to suggest boxing gloves when it comes to dealing with them... but that's just me seeing red. I'm so sorry you have this thorn in your flesh when what you need is support and appreciation.

Would any of the hospice team be willing to explain the realities of your father's condition to your sisters?

Talk to your hospice nurse and/or social worker. They may be able to talk to your sister and explain what is hPiening, and they are professionals, not family. I’ve seen hospice staff be able to do wonders in similar circumstances.

Seeing is believing. Let her try so see will believe you. This will solve your problem.

The sisters have to step up. I went to a recent seminar on continuing care for elderly. One of the major reasons for hospice is that the family caregiver is no longer able to provide enough care because the patient requires more care and the caregiver is physically and emotionally worn out. He said that caregivers who don't have someone to help at least six hours a day are likely to have emotional and physical health problems afterwards.

It is always the ones that do nothing that point fingers, make accusations and in the end, have their hands out!
So sorry that you are going through this.  You have been the one to do all the work and deal with the heartache.  They sit on the sidelines, if they even show up for the game.
At this point, I would let them know that your dad is now a hospice patient and that force feeding him is not what you are going to do.  Many patients refuse food at this point.  It is normal and sadly part of hospice.   I would let the sisters know that they are more than welcome to come and do the 24/7 caregiving and make their own realizations at that point.  People like this do not want to hear what the reality of the situation is, they only hear what they want.  Don't waste your breathe.

Canoe63; Bless your heart! You are not doing NOTHING WRONG .Quote from my Aunts Hospice Dr."The patient is not dyeing because they are not eating ...but the PATIENT IS DYEING THAT IS WHY THEY ARE NOT EATING"...."the doctor went on to say that a dyeing person no longer has either ability to eat or the desire to eat it is the in between life and death period that the body is beginning to shut down this is part of the process of moving on to HEAVEN, the next part of the journey .You are not doing this you love your father you would NEVER begrudge him food or water let your siblings read the posts u get back and the blue hospice book about dying this is out of your hands this is now in GODS hands I send HUGS To you and prayers.

Armchair critics. Love to criticize but notice how they never lift a finger to actually DO anything themselves?
Can't live with 'em. Can't shoot 'em. Well, you CAN shoot 'em, but then you'd probably go to prison & that wouldn't be good.
So suggest to the twisted sissies *LOVE that phrase* to feed your father themselves.
Ha.
So sorry for all the added pain you're suffering, As if you're not already going through enough without adding to your grief.

Oh, my, Canoe, I am so sorry and on so many levels. I was Mom's live-in caregiver for 13 months when she passed. When she was on hospice, Mom was wincing and seemed to have trouble breathing. Hospice had given me morphine to help her. My oldest Twisted Sister was with me and I wanted to administer it to help Mom. TS nearly screamed, "No! It's a controlled substance" *repeat* and *repeat*!

When the hospice nurse came to Mom's house and TS was there. I brought up I wanted to administer it and the nurse wholeheartedly agreed, that the morphine would help it and it was past time to start it. Getting the "Pro" advice changed TS's mind.

Next time the hospice nurse is there, tell the nurse what is being done to you by your sisters. Call your sisters and put them on speaker phone. Have the nurse give her/his professional opinion about your father's not eating and drinking and the dying process. That should turn them around.

I am so sorry. *hugs* to you. Lean on us. We're here for you.

I am sorry for your ordeal. It is not uncommon for someone at the end of their life to refuse food. However if your loved one is in hospice is it possible for your sister to sit down with the caregivers to discuss what do expect at the end of life? God bless.

Thank them for becoming aware of the seriousness of not eating and let them contribute by fixing his favorites and feed him their selves. 2 weeks max and that idiotic notion will be over. The natural process of death is for the loved one to stop eating. Absolutely no desire to eat but, their favorite drink in small sips offered often will help. Do not take blame for his demise by making them responsible to help you. Take this opportunity to put the burden on their shoulders. I'm very sorry you have to be put in this situation and bless you for caring for your dad.

Ahh, twisted sissies that think they know all. I cared for mom and stepdad for four years. Twisteds thought they would receive better care and that it would be cheaper in a facility. They always knew best. I tired of their vindictiveness and harassment and decided to get on with my life and let them run the show and learn for themselves. Boy were they wrong! A few hospitalizations for geriatric psych assessments they still thought mom would "adjust". HA!

I will hold on to the only acknowledgement I will ever receive from either of them, that came a year ago. I was told by TS2 that she knew mom would have done much better at home. I would have stayed, but nobody would even acknowledge how sick my mom was. They got their way.

In this case, I think them moving mom relieved their guilt but reinforced for me that they were in extreme denial of the entire situation. Denial is easier than guilt, if there is no illness then there is no reason not to eat. Right? So, no guilt.

RISE above them, know you are doing your best, and leave it at that.
Have hospice social worker speak with your twisteds, preferably at the same time so they can learn about the dying process.

You don't have to wait until this is over to break with your sisters _if_ that is what you really want. Whether you are living in your home with your father or you both are living in his, you do not have to put up with someone entering the home and harassing you. Living in the home, even if you do not own it, makes you a tenant and gives you a voice in who can be in the home. If you have your father's POA or a guardianship you have an even stronger voice.

My policy is everyone treats anyone present in the home (including me) with courtesy and respect or they leave. So I would give the sisters Hospice contact information and then tell them to keep their accusations to themselves or walk out the door and do not come back until they have better control of their emotions and tongues. If they refused to leave at my simple request, I would call the police or sheriff's department to assist their departure. Do not argue, do not raise your voice. When I planned to take this action, I called the police department and spoke to the sergeant in charge of the watch so he knew the backstory. When I called, the patrol officer entered the home and asked my sibling to step outside with him. After a short discussion with the police officer, my sibling voiced a few threats and left. I invited the police officer back into the house so he could check on my elder himself and asked if I could provide his contact information to APS when they called, since that was one of my sibling's threats.

It's the nuclear option; don't take it if you see the possibility of a future relationship with your sisters. Realize you will be risking your relationships with other family members too. Some will take your side and some will paint you as a terrible person for refusing to allow your sisters to visit their dying father. My situation was simple because I had already fractured my sibling relationship by applying for guardianship of our father.

I most certainly think you should contact the hospice nurse, dr, whoever, to explain to your nitwit sisters what happens when a body is actively dying. It would be a very painful thing for your dad if they forced him to eat/drink....and please just take care of you til he crosses over, then give yourself time to grieve and heal......only then would i deal with the sisters and that would be to tell them to kiss your a$$ and you never want to see them again!!! But, thats just me......love, prayers and blessings sent your way..💞

I would sweetly suggest to her, "Maybe it's me. Why don't you try and see if you can get him to eat?"

I bet you are exhausted, and I also bet they are not the type to try and feed him themselves.. So please do your best to IGNORE them.. hard to impossible I know,, but try... Don't beat your self up, there is some great advice here.. maybe hospice can leave some pamplets you can pass on to them.. although it probably wont help either,, but you are doing your best and hanging in there.. more than they can say.

I understand that when they get to point of no eating & little drink, the end could be not to far away...smart that you brought in hospice. My mother hasn’t eaten in past few days, but she’s had bad cough & taking antibiotics. I try giving her chicken soup liquid, tea with honey & lemon, juice....trying to treat at home instead of hospital..& she had flu shot 2 days before getting sick.

If siblings think that he’s being starved & you’re neglecting him, tell them to come & take over the care. Bet they couldn’t do it for an hour.

hugs 🤗

Canoe63,
My sibs behaved similarly.
I employed the advice of suggesting they should feel free to step up and do it better. They gave it a try.
Things changed after that, no more criticism and second-guessing.
You're already in a difficult situation, sibs making it worse is unnecessary and counter-productive.
I wish you well and admire your patience.
R27

"When people show you who they are, believe them". Maya Angelou.

Stop trying to be “the bigger person”. You have assumed the responsibility of offering your father full time care.

I doubt that there was ever a discussion about you having to assume responsibility for listening to and acting on your sisters’ complaints and directives, so don’t do it.

I would tell them that they should come and feed him. Since they know the right way they are guilty of a horrendous crime, seeing someone that is being ill cared for and neglected and standing there watching it take place. So who is starving him to death, the one trying or the ones watching?

I know that you are not doing anything wrong, but their accusations that you are and then not stepping in to protect dad just gripes me. They can cause you untold grief by falsely accusing you after he dies.

Do they understand that hospice is only brought in when it is determined by doctors that they are dying and probably have less than 6 months to live?

I would encourage them to come help if they believe they can do better. Dad won't eat for them either and maybe they will learn, probably not but it can stop false accusations.

I am truly sorry that you are going through this as you deal with your dad. Hugs and strength to you.

Ask the hospice social worker or RN to speak with them..this is NOT your job.

Their denial is deep and dangerous. (((((Hugs))))))

give them a ( seasonally ) dying house plant , some fertilizer and water and tell them to make the plant thrive again .

Canoe,

I will tell you something that my therapist once told me. I used to stuff everything inside, be the bigger person, ignore it, all that stuff, just like you. My therapist’s response in his fabulous ‘no nonsense’ attitude was, “It’s okay to be angry.”

To feel anger is completely normal. We shouldn’t get stuck in anger but something is seriously wrong with us if we don’t experience being annoyed, upset, irritated, aggravated and even down right angry about something when we have good reason to be upset.

So give yourself permission to feel as you do. Do not allow her to place blame on you for something totally out of your control. You can’t make your dad have an appetite. It’s not your fault. She shouldn’t judge you like that. Your sister is not being logical or reasonable in this situation. I’m sorry that she upset you. You have a right to be upset. Siblings can be a pain in the butt sometimes.

Handle it the way you feel best. It doesn’t matter if we speak until we are blue in the face with some people, they aren’t going to get it! I stopped wasting my time with them. It just caused me more aggravation.

You know your sister and her reactions so you will figure out what works best.

Take care and let us know how you are doing. Hugs!