My father is actively dying but my sister blames me because he no longer wants to eat. Any advice?

Yes please some advice on this difficult circumstance on how to deal w difficult family members in these circumstances. Find myself in same tough situation

Armchair quarterbacks always know best but never get in the real game so that the rain/snow, heat/cold, noise etc never touch them but they know better than those right there - that seems to be a lot of non-caretaker family members who raise issues or interfere with 'opinions' 

Your dad obviously pick the best one to be in charge of him & his affairs when he picked you over your sisters - sometimes people die & want to die - there is an old saying 'he turned his face to the wall' which means someone is ready to die & there is nothing anyone can do about it -

Quality of life is important to that person & sometimes they don't want to go on anymore - refusal of eating & liquids is a normal part of the dying process so badgering them can distress them - what is eating/drinking going to accomplish? .... an extra few hours in pain maybe -

Hold his hand, sing to him, tell him you love him, tell him you'll miss him, tell him a joke so you can see a last big smile/laugh will all be better that nattering at him to eat/drink - that will be a much better last memory of him than him turning his face away from you to avoid food .... my last memory of my dad was him saying he loved me not his usual 'me too' when I said I loved him ... priceless

Tell your sister to come and help then. And have her talk with the hospice nurses to understand what is happening. It is a stressful and upsetting experience for you all to consider. Take gentle care of yourself.

Canoe, how are you doing? How is dad?

Just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and praying that you are finding strength at this time.

Great big warm hug!

Tell your sisters to get their behinds over there so they can save his life! They won't and they can't, and if by chance they show up let them do all they want so they might have some understanding. Don't step in to help. We can't fix your family dynamics, true, but we've been where you are and understand that you have done/are doing all you can to be a compassionate caregiver. The sisters are showing their ignorance and disrespect to you and your/their dad. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please take comfort that you are the one doing what is right and demonstrating true love for your parent.

I’m overwhelmed with everyone’s support and kind words. Guaranteed, I read every single one and many of them I read several times. I take your advice to heart and often find myself reading these over when I need it most. Thank you!

If the visiting hospice staff confirm that your dad is in the final stages and that refusing to eat or drink is normal, insist that your sisters talk to the hospice nurse when they are there. Strongly insist. Sometimes people just need to hear it from an expert.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. When my dad was dying, he stopped taking food and water. Hospice had given me reading materials, which was really helpful. It said your loved one isn’t dying because he’s not eating. He’s not eating because he is dying. Prolonging his death by inserting a feeding tube is most likely not what he would want, or he wouldn’t be in hospice care.
Peace.

Has your sister been to visit? Is she in denial that dad is dying? Perhaps just ignorant of hospice and the dying process?

I would not waste much time trying to explain it to her. If she isn't there to help, then she should back off. She won't but she should. Just try to forgive the ignorance and arrogance and continue to be there for your dad.

Sorry that you are having to deal with difficulty on top of difficulty here. Take care of yourself.

It's probably not convincing to just say he's actively dying which is hospice-speak. What are the medical signs besides not wanting to eat or drink? Who is responsible for the feeding? How often do they feed, and how long do they try? Have they tried feeding him smaller meals at more frequent intervals? Without eating or drinking, he is not going to pass stool or urine but there is a point where the liver and the kidneys will shut down.

So sorry you are dealing with the stress of your dad's impending end of life, however, it is unfortunate the family members are creating more stress. One thing most dont understand is when someone gives up eating, drinking and such, they have a peace of their end of life and they are human beings and still gave the rights of one to Male their own decisions. For whatever reason, it is believed that when someone is aged people think they need to step in and force the person to extend their life and continue with pain, tests and whatever else os going on in their aged bodies. We went through this with so many family members, hospice is to allow people to die with little or no pain and with dignity. Enjoy what time you have left, with family member and don't let others try to make you feel guilty.
Best of luck

Maybe have them come one at a time and allow each of them time to sit and help your dad without you helping them or give them ways to take care of him so they can truly understand the job it is to take care of a love one who's dying and maybe they can make peace with the fact that your dad will be leaving. Sometimes fear and denial takes over common sense. They know deep down that you're doing everything possible to make your dad comfortable but they're not ready to accept the reality of his impending death. I'm so sorry for your family seeing a family member dying isn't easy and I pray that you guys can make it through. God loves you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately siblings (or in my case SILs) can make a stressful time even worse. I just finished walking the path you are on now. MIL had a massive stroke that affected her entire right side a couple of weeks ago. She got to the point that we were what hospice calls pleasure feeding. What they enjoyed and not worrying about the nutritional benefits. A week to the day she had a couple small TIAs, she would only eat a couple of spoons of food at a time and be done. Yes it is heartbreaking to watch, it rips your heart out. I too had suggestions and orders from those that did not do. Put mom in a wheelchair and let her look out different windows, finally had enough and told her WHAT part of she's paralyzed on her right side, can't be moved, that it's not safe, don't you understand, I will gladly explain it to you so you get it. Her reply was oh, so she's bed bound, Yes that's what I've been telling you ALL week. It took an hour to feed her a small bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy (one of her favorites) with a baby spoon because she wouldn't need to open her mouth larger than was comfortable and to remind me tiny bites so she wouldn't choke. My MIL journey just ended on Sunday morning, no more pain for her. The house is quiet and feels empty. Her last days broke my heart because she knew what was going on but was trapped in her head due to not being able to communicate other than yes or no. Take it from me, you are doing for your loved one the best you can. Flat out tell them when they begin their orders, fine you come do it. You are the one with boots on the ground doing and being all, they are not. Now they have begun the I want stage. Once again no help when she was here but now the grieving "show" begins. The southern spawn of satan, who was more worried about hanging out with snowbird friends and tanning instead of coming to see her mom,tried starting an argument long distance with me yesterday morning, just told her I'm not really interested in her opinion anymore, that I really don't care about what she has to say right now that my hands are still pretty full with other things that needed to be done. Bed, o2 concentrator, other supplies was to be picked up. She called her sister and started a war there instead. Ignore them. Even put them on notice that you are going to say or do something that will piss them off and you don't care, that your focus is on your loved one, not their piddly bs. If they're so concerned, get their rears over there and do for him too. From experience that usually shuts them up for a few hours.
You and your family are in my prayers, hold him, tell him you love him. One more thing I did for MIL when I saw the sparkle leaving her eyes a few days before she passed was I had her grandchildren and great grandchildren call her, tell her good night and that they loved her. Put the phone on speaker and let them talk. It was for her and them I took the time to do this.

His heart condition is out of control most likely because he is not taking medication and with heart failure you have to know how much fluid he can take in versus combating dehydration. You can always revoke his hospice and get a PEG tube put in whereas he can get his medications and get properly hydrated and nutrition. It isn't that they refuse to eat..they simply forget how to swallow food.

My mom thrived with her PEG tube..yes they could pull it out but my mom never touched it. I used that as a last resort only. (She eventually died of liver failure but I already knew she had liver cancer, but she died comfortably). When ready for discharge you can put him back on hospice and they will provide you all the tube feedings and dietitians will instruct you how to feed him.

Just an option. Have a family meeting, and if he is still "with it" ask him what he wants. Also be mindful if you opt to let him die without a PEG tube it can take 2 weeks or longer to die of dehydration, and the morphine hospice gives does not always kill the pain..but can even make him hallucinate. Very frightening hallucinations at that. My father died of advanced cancer and he said he would hallucinate with morphine very frightening things and he still felt pain.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's awful how when you need them the most, "family" bails on you by making something so incredibly hard even more difficult and painful. For months now I've been giving my Pop Magase, it used to be a chemo drug back in the 60s. Then was used for appetite in the height of the HIV 80s. Still Pop has good days when he's hungry and others not so much. I'm alone caring for him because the others were too busy. They were too busy for Mom too! I can't believe a close family as we were are so crappy today. Like I finally told 1 of my sisters, if you can do better you stop your life and come do it until then Pop made me his POA and I'm doing my best. Then I said what the docs said, when you age you shed your taste buds and your senses dull that makes food and drink unappealing. It's nothing of my doing it's 1 God's plan, 2 part of life and 3 science. Each day you're alive is also a day that you're dying, your body is just a testament to that fact. None of them have come to even visit Pop let alone try and feed or care for him. They won't pay a "professional" to do it either. Yet they still manage to say I'm killing him, I killed Mom the same way, I need to grow up, the only reason I'm his caregiver and/or POA is that I've never accomplished anything, left my parent's home and never let go of he apron strings so our parent's had to give me a job caring for them and Pop is sticking around because he's scared I'm going to be lost and have nothing. I felt like a flea so tiny and worthless. Oddly I'm the only one with a degree let alone 2, been an officer in many ways, and so on... so in the end they are just sad they chose not to be there for our parents. They are only reflecting their own grief and crap onto you. Don't be bothered, do what's right and his wishes, have them in writing. You will be blessed. You've been the steady rock of a caregiver they have no say. That's one thing I can say is that I've done Pop's wishes, the right thing and I got to know my father not only as a child to parent but as a human, husband, man, son, things and ways they will never understand or learn about each of our parent's. I'm a better person and officer than I ever was just with book knowledge, now with emotions most people only talk about and think they have. You are blessed. Stay the course of righteousness and stay humble in doing so.
Good luck,
Stuck in the same hard place.
Sorry for massive run-ons/spelling but as you know time is tight. I'm choosing to distance myself from family because it's gotten to self preservation point for me. I'm not anyone's punching bag, I have enough weight on my shoulders I don't have to carry them too. My middle sister kept shoving frozen boost in my Mom's mouth no matter what anyone told her. Mom aspirated often. Now Pop. The middle one says he doesn't eat because I don't cook 3- 4 course meals like Mom did and why not I don't have anything better to do. They don't stop with education and yeah I get it's a reflection of their feelings but still I have enough sadness and the what ifs as it is...DNR and DNI papers are hard to file and have the doc's repeat it to make sure the added crap from "loved" ones isn't so loving and caregivers are on MAX load as is, give yourself a break and know what's right, nobody's words except your Dad's.

Have you, your doctor or hospice considered a feeding tube? This is what they are used for. Once your dad is receiving nutrients in this manner, pretty hard for sisters to complain. You have been entrusted by your family to be your dad's caregiver. Remind them of that. This is a lot of responsibility and you need support not criticism. A third party is needed to speak with your sisters, a head nurse, a hospice staff, his primary, a priest, whoever.

I'm assuming that your sisters are aware of the dying process which includes not eating. Your sisters are wrong to blame you for your fathers decision not to eat because there's nothing you can do to to change that. This, and the fact he's in hospice care should tell your sisters he'll be leaving anytime and they should spend more time at his side rather than blaming you. Their your sisters, but if I were you I would tell them to get off their butts. The fact that you have spent so much more time with your dad and your sisters haven't, makes you a bigger person.

Tell them to call or visit their local hospice center to find out what takes place when a person stops eating. I'm sure they will get the same answer I gave you. Maybe then they will unfairly stop blaming you and start helping you take care of your dad. Remember, you're family, don't let this tear you apart. Never stop loving one another. It would be so comforting for your dad if he could see you all together in his home before he's gone. Regardless of his poor health, seeing you together will give him happiness and peace.



After your dad passes, you will look back knowing you were there for him, and he will look down smiling at his one daughter that loved him so much.

Have the Hospice people talk to them. I have seen this happen many times. I am a hospice volunteer and many family members just refuse to believe that they are losing a parent or family member close to them. They lash out at the one doing the most because they themselves feel helpless. We try to give each family member a
job in the process whether it be running errands or doing housework or shopping anything to make them feel that they are needed. The hospice care people can explain to the family how end stage works and maybe that will help. You are not starving the patient. Forcing them to eat and drink doesn't work. They need to understand what hospice is about. Don't let them bully you. You are doing the right thing and I wish you luck.

You have helped me tremendously as I now experience the final days of my dad’s life in the hospital. Last night I hated my brother who can’t come back home to “see dad suffer”. I hated mom who lives in AL with some dementia for not ever crying and worrying only about her hair appointment. I hated dad’s brother for not visiting because he “can’t see him like that”. Now I know that I have to let go of this anger phase and realize that everyone handles death of a loved one differently. I thank God for the strength you have inspired in me to accept others feelings while I spend so much time alone with dad now.

In your hands on position, you are forced to see and deal with the reality of your father's decline. Your sisters have the luxury of denial. And because you are eye witness to his suffering, his dying is something you have come to terms with. They aren't there yet. I think having the hospice workers speak to them is an excellent suggestion. You have your hands full, and the hospice folk have seen it all and are trained to help family members manage their feelings.

Best wishes and blessings as you help your father navigate this passage

The Hospice group may be able to help support you. Have they not taken you through the progression of symptoms you will see as you loved one draws nearer to transitioning from life? The emotional well being of the family is important. You need to blow off the people who will put you down for the efforts you make.

Turning down food & drink towards the end of life is normal.

Sister speaking from a position of fear and ignorance does not make her statement(s) true.

you need to tell your sister to stick up her *ss /// unfortunately your father is going thru a natural part of life the end ..!! ..but have you tried all his very favorite foods like cake sinfully sweet stuff ?? ...let me tell you that my mom had dementia she did not eat for 2 weeks then passed .. has your father have bowel movement if not his body if full & will not take any more tell your sis that ..his brain is all in control there is not a thing to do about it ... if your sister does not like it then let her take over !!!!! tell her that good luck

People respond to death and dying in a multitude of ways. Anger is one way. Sisters lashing out at you - the easiest/first available target. Detach emotionally and physically from them so you can focus on you. You are a strong and beautiful person for seeing this through to the end. Give yourself credit, kindness and love because you are well deserving of all of this and more. [Speaking from my experience as sibling who cared for mentally ill parent for 40 years until death while other sibling physically and emotionally withdrew into a shell the entire time emerging only for the inheritance.] “This too shall pass”

You give her the number of the hospice nurse in charge of his case. The RN can tell your stupid sister what it is like to die and what is normal. Hopefully that will shut her up! Next time she points the finger just respond with one word "really?" (In an up ending incredulous tone of voice) And then no more and she will have no where to go. Don’t engage with her fantasy of what dying is supposed to be like. I’m sorry she is so clueless.

She obviously doesn't know what she is talking about being that she is not the caregiver and know nothing about the dying not being wanting to eat or drink. Perhaps the doctor should explain it to her. My father was the exact same way 1 to 2 weeks prior to his death...

The hospice nurse should explain it to them. If they are not there at the same time, have the hospice nurse leave some information on what to expect during the final stages of life, perhaps with a hand written note from them. It is very wrong to force feed the dying and I think it could even be considered abusive.

Refusing foods is a natural and normal process. During this stage our loved ones don't feel hunger the way a healthy body does.
We think they are starving them but in reality, it is the body's natural instinct as it prepares to shut down. It's trying to preserve the most important organs and digestion is not high on its list of priorities. As such they are not moving nutrients properly because internal organs are not working properly, intestinal issues can develop causing much pain for our loved ones.
It's my personal opinion that we cause our loved ones to suffer more and longer than they need to because we keep trying to encourage food or force foods.
Imagine having a stomach cramp.
It's hard to be witness to this choice and even harder to feel like you're doing nothing but it's my opinion that it's the most gentle and compassionate thing to do by following the wishes of your loved one.
Prayers that you all receive some peace through this.

Maybe they need to learn what hospice is and how it works. Eating won't make any difference now. Pain meds given keep him comfortable but it is common to not have an appetite. Your company is a comfort to him. How wrong to blame you.

Your sisters are mighty cruel people right now. Their cruelty to you is truly vicious.

Even if they are speaking out of ignorance or panic, there is no excuse for cruelty.

My heart goes out to you. You are enduring several kinds of loss simultaneously.

I am so sorry toHear your family is treating you this way. Obviously they need to be educated from hospice them selves. When my mom what is dying, they told us what to expect. how the body starts to shut down, and there is no desire to eat or drink. It is the end stage of life. It is nothing that you have done or haven’t done. Your family has not excepted The fact that your mom is getting worse. Hopefully they will soon understand and except this