My father is actively dying but my sister blames me because he no longer wants to eat. Any advice?

I know how hard it is to be a caregiver and it gets even harder when your LO no longer wants to eat or drink. If your sisters really want to know what is going on, have then speak with his hospice nurse,if that still doesn't satisfy her, tell them they are welcome to take him to their home and let them work their miracles. It upsets me when people who don't read up on their LO condition, don't lend a hand, but then have all the answers, come and want to lay blame on the one person who has put their life on hold to take care of a LO. GOD BLESS YOU, and know that you are doing what is right for your LO.

Here is an article to pass onto your sisters so they can be informed : https://www.verywellhealth.com/the-decision-to-stop-eating-at-the-end-of-life-1132033 .

My siblings used to argue and make insensitive remarks to me since I am the caretaker for my father. They did not understand how emotionally and physically draining it is to be a caretaker and also that they felt guilty for not helping.

I would ask your sisters to come over maybe during lunch or dinner to assist. Then maybe they would understand. Also, let them know that they need to be there for their father even if you are the primary caretaker. They have a responsibility too to provide care and there are things they can do. The responsibility isn't all on your shoulders. They can call or Facetime with your father and they can see it is his decision not to eat.

I am sorry you are going through this. I remember when this happened to me and it was so heartbreaking because I felt like I couldn't even depend on my family and it was so isolating. After my siblings talked to my father and helped on a few days, my siblings understood and the toxicity stopped.

Canoe63....im checking on you....you have been given many answers.....use whats best for your situation. I worked in oncology and lost my husband to pancreatic cancer and hospice helped me tremendously ...perhaps the hospice nurse/dr could speak with your sisters and let them know what’s happening. Sure they want to blame you, but they are mistreating you and thats not right, when you are doing alll the work. Please know you have done your best and let your dad go in peace Then you can begin your grieving and healing process. Please utilize the grief counseling provided by hospice. It can help so much. Sending healing blessings your way....Liz

You are bearing the burden of your father's care. You are a good and generous person to do this, and it is a sacrifice on your part. It is easy for others, who are not bearing the burden to criticize, but not kind of them to do it. Try not to let them get to you. Use hospice for counseling for yourself and to deal with your sisters, and maybe to help buffer your sisters' criticism. Hospice is there to help at this difficult time. Take care of yourself and all the best to you.

Tell your sister that you 'd be glad to have her over to show you the right way. Then when/if she comes leave. Ask her to leave notes the right way.

Ignore her. You are doing something very admirable. You wont regret the time spent. Mpre than family are admiring your efforts.

Take care of yourself.

We went through some of this as well. They aren't dealing with it as closely as you are so they don't see the detail and they are probably a little desperate. Now is time for a vigil so they can participate in the process of helping your dad through this. Normally hospice is very good at setting expectations and helping the family. We got some very good documentation from them. Can you utilize them to communicate the true situation to your sisters so they can be helpful instead of critical?

If your sisters are so smart, tell them to come over and be share caregiving for an allotted time.

HERE IS SOME SOLID ADVICE.

ASK THE SISTERS TO SLIDE TO THE SIDE AND TO GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE. TELL THEM YOU WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER IN BEHALF OF YOUR FATHER IF THEY MAKE AN ATTEMPT ONE MORE TIME TO ABUSE YOU OVER YOUR STAND WITH YOUR FATHER. LET THEM KNOW YOU ALL WILL END UP IN COURT IF THEY THINK YOU ARE KIDDING.

YOUR FOCUS SHOULD BE ON YOUR FATHER'S LAST DAYS AND NOT THEIR HELLISH ATTITUDE.

DR COPPERTINO

Tell your sister, when you are dying, you stop eating. Tell her to read up on what happens when you are dying. A simple google search will tell you this. That’s what I did when my mother was dying.

Maybe it's best to request that all siblings contact someone within his medical team to discuss anything about your father. Information provided by you to siblings might best happen through written, (text, email) methodologies, so information can be reviewed, and cited as provided.

The fact that they are aware of his current status is wonderful, when are they planning to visit-help? You have an open line of communication which can be utilized (text/email/writing) by hospice to let them know what is happening, as appears in his medical records. They can google terminology.

It sounds like an psychologically abusive dynamic, if not toxic, which can never be fixed, due to ingrained patterns, the NO-contact rule is usually best, since abusive family dynamics tend to covertly increase into adulthood often taught/started by parents way back in childhood, whilst other family members had actively participated, or just looked the other way.

Stop telephone-talking with them, having them chat with an RN or anyone within his hospice team is the only thing you can do. Are you comfortable texting,writing,emailing asking them to speak with someone else?

Telling your siblings to stop their sh*tty behaviors will help you feel better, but it will not get them to stop. It sounds like your siblings will blame you for anything they might find to criticize.If they are not in town, then ask when they are going to arrive to help. If he is in a facility, then ask when they are going to visit, and exit before they arrive.

If they feel a need to yell, disconnect, and never answer their future calls, instead, as mentioned, give them the contact information of the nearest medical person willing/capable of providing them with his updated information. Family is not allowed to belittle anyone when a family member is dying. I would text them that they are not helping your father by their statements, and that your father would like to see them before he dies.

Again as mentioned get hospice to talk to them and text/email/write your siblings to consult outside therapy because you are not their punching bag. You never are obligated to respond, to bad sibling remarks. You will stop their questioning of overall care, by having them speak with those who are trained to discuss hospice and other medical information.

Instead of getting aggravated with a sibling who is having difficulty with the situation, have you thought about having either the hospice nurse, social worker,or chaplain provide education as well as support regarding the signs and symptoms of dying. There also is an excellent article titled "Love and Chicken Soup." It discusses how we as a society in many instances equate feeding someone with love and caring when in this stage of life your loved one needs emotional support. It sounds as if some of the family is in "fix it" mode and not accepting that food is not going to change the outcome. Do not argue with them. It's not worth it. After several months of watching my mother in law with a feeding tube which was against her wishes, my husband intervened as the medical power of attorney. He had the tube removed and she was immediately admitted to inpatient hospice. Believe it or not, the day before she passed, my brother in law attempted to feed her in her unresponsive state. Some people just don't want to accept the inevitable. Hold your head high, put your dad's needs and wishes first, and be in peace knowing you're doing the right thing.

Hospice nurses are brillant. Speak to them and they will talk to your sisters. you don't need this aggravation. You have enough on your plate. Sometimes people who are not involved in caring tend to give opinions and advice. As useful as a chocolate teapot! Yes, I have that t-shirt!

You are doing everything you can.

Sending you you virtual hugs.

Trudy

Tell your sisters to take your spot for a few days each  they  will appreciate all you do.

Every answer posted here is correct. Bottom line: Flat out tell your sister to get Dad to eat or shut up. Your dad is sundowning and dying on his terms.

There are questions to ask; Is he ready to go? Is keeping him alive for him or you and your sisters? What is his quality of life by keeping him alive? It could very well be that he is ready to make his transition. Your family dynamics are going to be there even after he is gone. Let your sisters have their opinions and you look after your father the best you can and keep him comfortable while he is going through this transition of life period.

Do the best you can and save your mental energy for good memories of those you love. If your siblings can only natter and complain so be it. Let them but ignore it. If you respond they will keep at it. Not worth it. I’ve been there.

Please have the Hospice Caregivers speak to your sister ASAP. They should be able to clear this up for her in no time.

I am so, so sorry to hear you are being treated this way by your sisters. Their idiocy, as you put it, may be rooted in their own guilt and grief. Bless you for caring for your Dad 24/7. You know best what he needs. The last thing he needs, imo, is to be force fed or made to feel guilty for not being able or willing to eat more. Offer but don’t insist seems right to me.

So sorry you are experiencing this. In my experience as a nurse through an entire lifetime I have found that often family members in the throes of severe grief choose a person to be angry with, to blame. This may be a doctor and it may be a family member. It seems that anger easier to handle than grief. There honestly is no "dealing with it". Gently speak your truth, and move on. Suggest to them that they get help to deal with their grief (which will, of course, only make them more angry in some cases, but which, if they actually DO it, may help them a lot). You want them to agree with you; it won't happen. You will have questioned yourself more than any other 20 family members ever could. At no time in our lives do we question ourselves so severely, judge ourselves so harshly, as in our dealings with the pain of our children or our elders. Hugs.

So sorry you are going through both your Dad passing and the cruelty of your sisters.

My story is very similar and I wrote posts about this back in April. My Dad was on hospice and my 3 siblings banned together to blame me .. for his death and everything else.

You are the caregiver and you know where your Dad is health wise and that it is his time. Some just can't handle end of life issues and it gets really ugly..

Just wanted to say I understand...hold your ground as you know what is best for Dad. I've been there as well.. and it is not easy.

Take care..

So sorry, Canoe :( Your sisters are evil and cruel. The last thing I would say and then walk away or hang up, depending on where they are, is I am doing my best. If you think you can do it better, move in and take care of Dad, and I will move out. Otherwise, shut up and mind your own business..... which has NOT been taking care of Dad. And then, go NO CONTACT.

You are doing a wonderful job of taking care of your father; always remember that.

Get the pamphlet from Hospice explaining the end and it will inform your sister what is happening with the body shutting down and it's natural to not want to eat or drink.

You offer and it's up to the individual if they want it.

Also, tell your Sister you would be more than happy for her to come over during meal times to try to persuade mom to eat. 😇

Tell them they are welcome to cook or send food over. Make a healthy smoothie and try and get him to take several sips. It’s heartbreaking when
this part of life happens, I know my mm died at home and did not want to eat, then drink. Looking back I realize the different siblings are different people and took it differently. I don’t let people make me feel bad anymore, guilt and anger etc. take up too much mental energy.


they are in denial because of your dads soon passing, and need to be gently educated in this final phase of life. To avoid bitterness, I would
later on ask them, who are not the hands on people, to help pay for final expenses,

I'm sorry you are experiencing this heartbreak and also your father's condition. I think your hospice should be able to address this issue with an explanation that your sisters will understand. I'm sure they will also advise them to come and be with their father as he is nearing his time to go. Try not to take this personally from your sisters and know they are finding it hard to face the reality you are aware of and that you are the person with the understanding about what is going on.

That is the body's way of shutting down. It is a natural process. Your dad is also in hospice. He is in the dying stages. The body has no need for nutrition while organs are shutting down. They are not in pain from this. They could be in pain from another disease but not that.
You can look up this info online (dying process) and print it out for your sisters to shut them up once and for all. If she is picking on you it sounds like she in denial, and having problems processing his impending death. She is lashing out at you for him dying. It is not your fault and there is nothing you or hospice can do about it. That is rediculious. I would have hospice talk to her about it when she comes in. Hospice is also monitoring him and has no problem with your care.
I also wouldnt allow her to treat you like it is your fault. I think your sisters would blame you for something/anything no matter what. They dont get to lash out at you for your dad dying. It is stressful enough. I think they are not dealing with it and need therapy. Id tell them that to their face. You shouldn't allow them to treat you that way.
If he is living with you, I wouldnt allow them to visit until they stop lashing out. You dont have to take that abuse on top of everything else. I'd get hospice to talk to them and then tell them you dont want to hear another word about it. Or they can leave. Or if he is staying somewhere. Dont be there when they show up. Leave. You also dont have to answer a single question or respond when they start. You are not the family whipping post because they want to vent. I feel so bad for you having to put up with that. I think it will get worse after he dies, so better prepare yourself. You need to think of ways to shut them down. Stand up for yourself. Good luck.

Creatures before they die stop eating and drinking. Then they go into a coma. Then they can turn yellow as their liver function ceases. Tell your sister to get off your back and to Mom's bedside immediately or they will miss their last chance.
If sis thinks your so inferior, let her step up to the bat and watch her fall on her face. Hang in there.... we're behind you, and sometimes family sucks!

Stay strong family members do not understand what is going on with your father. My father who died 2 years ago started no eating also. Me and my mother went to great lengths to get him to eat and drink. It all has to do with the fact that when this happens they are truly ready to go. No matter what you do they will not eat or drink. All that is left is to feed them intravenously. They do not like it but it will keep them here until the very end. They are ready to go but are scared and unsure what is coming. They have to be told over and over again when you are ready just let go. Tell them you will be sad but everything will be ok and that they are love by all. It's time for your siblings to realize the time has come and lashing out at you will not help them get thru the hurt that they are going to go thru. They have to look at it this way. Your father is surfaring and they just do not know how to let go It time to come to grips with the fact that life has to end and it will end at it's own time. Please do not be to upset at your siblings but do take the high road and help your father transition to there finale resting place. GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOURS ALL THIS WILL PASS AFTER WHILE.

Your sisters are in denial. What everyone needs to understand is, this is a part of life. Our bodies are made to shut down and degenerate. At this point, there is no getting better or recovery. What needs done is making them comfortable. No matter what is done, no one can stop dying. It is a natural process of life. What you can do is love each other. It hurts when the one with dementia no longer recognizes their own family. In time, you can overcome that hurt felt the past. With dementia, their mind could be 50 years ago. See where they are and ask them about their live at that time. Their long term memory works, it's the short term portion which has problems. Get them to talk about the family they grew up with, their siblings and grandparents, etc. Some of it may be incorrect, but much of it is accurate.

Invite your sisters to come and take turns trying to feed your father. They will find they won't have too much success. At some point, your father may forget how to swallow. That's another sign that their body is shutting down.

Play up lifting music, classical or favorite songs from the past. Music can temporarily open both portion of the brain to communicate with one another. If the dementia is too bad, it won't work at all. But for the few minutes to whatever time it does connect, it's priceless to have them be themself for that brief moment of time..

Some health care facilities will do day stay, this allows you to drop them off for a few hours to get a break. Our's was $125 per day. I just needed help once a month. They are also qualified to do Respite Care where you can drop them off for 5 days and get a break from caring for them for 5 days. I used this so we could visit the in-laws and attend my father-in-law's funeral. It's an included service of Medicare for home caregivers. Or ask your sisters to take him for the weekend. My mom became bedridden after a time and we used wheelchairs and changed diapers. If you can do it, so can they. And they will regret not spending time with him while he was still alive.

They will remember what they choose to. They can give the care that is needed, but still have the memories of a healthy parents years ago. This is truly the Circle of Life.

Not eating is part of the dying process. If your sisters argue with you or with the Hospice workers, maybe they would accept the process if they read it in one of the helpful booklets Hospice provides. You are right to let your father "finish dying" in peace and not be aggravated by forced attempts to feed him.

Have a hospice professional explain to your sisters how horrific it is for a dying patient to eat or drink. Their body is shutting down. The last thing they desire is food and even drink. The ideal is to provide all the comfort measures needed in those last days. A good hospice group is worth their weight in gold! They will make your dad as comfortable as possible. They will not force him to eat. They will provide moisture for his mouth and medication to keep him comfortable.

Your sisters are also losing their dad. They may feel more guilt because they haven’t been there as much as they should have been (or as much as they think they should have been). Hospice staff can explain things that you as a sibling probably shouldn’t—mainly because siblings don’t always think their sibling knows much (even when she/he does).