My father is actively dying but my sister blames me because he no longer wants to eat. Any advice?

I'm sorry you are experiencing this heartbreak and also your father's condition. I think your hospice should be able to address this issue with an explanation that your sisters will understand. I'm sure they will also advise them to come and be with their father as he is nearing his time to go. Try not to take this personally from your sisters and know they are finding it hard to face the reality you are aware of and that you are the person with the understanding about what is going on.

Tell them they are welcome to cook or send food over. Make a healthy smoothie and try and get him to take several sips. It’s heartbreaking when
this part of life happens, I know my mm died at home and did not want to eat, then drink. Looking back I realize the different siblings are different people and took it differently. I don’t let people make me feel bad anymore, guilt and anger etc. take up too much mental energy.


they are in denial because of your dads soon passing, and need to be gently educated in this final phase of life. To avoid bitterness, I would
later on ask them, who are not the hands on people, to help pay for final expenses,

Get the pamphlet from Hospice explaining the end and it will inform your sister what is happening with the body shutting down and it's natural to not want to eat or drink.

You offer and it's up to the individual if they want it.

Also, tell your Sister you would be more than happy for her to come over during meal times to try to persuade mom to eat. 😇

So sorry, Canoe :( Your sisters are evil and cruel. The last thing I would say and then walk away or hang up, depending on where they are, is I am doing my best. If you think you can do it better, move in and take care of Dad, and I will move out. Otherwise, shut up and mind your own business..... which has NOT been taking care of Dad. And then, go NO CONTACT.

You are doing a wonderful job of taking care of your father; always remember that.

So sorry you are going through both your Dad passing and the cruelty of your sisters.

My story is very similar and I wrote posts about this back in April. My Dad was on hospice and my 3 siblings banned together to blame me .. for his death and everything else.

You are the caregiver and you know where your Dad is health wise and that it is his time. Some just can't handle end of life issues and it gets really ugly..

Just wanted to say I understand...hold your ground as you know what is best for Dad. I've been there as well.. and it is not easy.

Take care..

So sorry you are experiencing this. In my experience as a nurse through an entire lifetime I have found that often family members in the throes of severe grief choose a person to be angry with, to blame. This may be a doctor and it may be a family member. It seems that anger easier to handle than grief. There honestly is no "dealing with it". Gently speak your truth, and move on. Suggest to them that they get help to deal with their grief (which will, of course, only make them more angry in some cases, but which, if they actually DO it, may help them a lot). You want them to agree with you; it won't happen. You will have questioned yourself more than any other 20 family members ever could. At no time in our lives do we question ourselves so severely, judge ourselves so harshly, as in our dealings with the pain of our children or our elders. Hugs.

I am so, so sorry to hear you are being treated this way by your sisters. Their idiocy, as you put it, may be rooted in their own guilt and grief. Bless you for caring for your Dad 24/7. You know best what he needs. The last thing he needs, imo, is to be force fed or made to feel guilty for not being able or willing to eat more. Offer but don’t insist seems right to me.

Please have the Hospice Caregivers speak to your sister ASAP. They should be able to clear this up for her in no time.

Do the best you can and save your mental energy for good memories of those you love. If your siblings can only natter and complain so be it. Let them but ignore it. If you respond they will keep at it. Not worth it. I’ve been there.

There are questions to ask; Is he ready to go? Is keeping him alive for him or you and your sisters? What is his quality of life by keeping him alive? It could very well be that he is ready to make his transition. Your family dynamics are going to be there even after he is gone. Let your sisters have their opinions and you look after your father the best you can and keep him comfortable while he is going through this transition of life period.

Every answer posted here is correct. Bottom line: Flat out tell your sister to get Dad to eat or shut up. Your dad is sundowning and dying on his terms.

Tell your sisters to take your spot for a few days each  they  will appreciate all you do.

Hospice nurses are brillant. Speak to them and they will talk to your sisters. you don't need this aggravation. You have enough on your plate. Sometimes people who are not involved in caring tend to give opinions and advice. As useful as a chocolate teapot! Yes, I have that t-shirt!

You are doing everything you can.

Sending you you virtual hugs.

Trudy

Instead of getting aggravated with a sibling who is having difficulty with the situation, have you thought about having either the hospice nurse, social worker,or chaplain provide education as well as support regarding the signs and symptoms of dying. There also is an excellent article titled "Love and Chicken Soup." It discusses how we as a society in many instances equate feeding someone with love and caring when in this stage of life your loved one needs emotional support. It sounds as if some of the family is in "fix it" mode and not accepting that food is not going to change the outcome. Do not argue with them. It's not worth it. After several months of watching my mother in law with a feeding tube which was against her wishes, my husband intervened as the medical power of attorney. He had the tube removed and she was immediately admitted to inpatient hospice. Believe it or not, the day before she passed, my brother in law attempted to feed her in her unresponsive state. Some people just don't want to accept the inevitable. Hold your head high, put your dad's needs and wishes first, and be in peace knowing you're doing the right thing.

Maybe it's best to request that all siblings contact someone within his medical team to discuss anything about your father. Information provided by you to siblings might best happen through written, (text, email) methodologies, so information can be reviewed, and cited as provided.

The fact that they are aware of his current status is wonderful, when are they planning to visit-help? You have an open line of communication which can be utilized (text/email/writing) by hospice to let them know what is happening, as appears in his medical records. They can google terminology.

It sounds like an psychologically abusive dynamic, if not toxic, which can never be fixed, due to ingrained patterns, the NO-contact rule is usually best, since abusive family dynamics tend to covertly increase into adulthood often taught/started by parents way back in childhood, whilst other family members had actively participated, or just looked the other way.

Stop telephone-talking with them, having them chat with an RN or anyone within his hospice team is the only thing you can do. Are you comfortable texting,writing,emailing asking them to speak with someone else?

Telling your siblings to stop their sh*tty behaviors will help you feel better, but it will not get them to stop. It sounds like your siblings will blame you for anything they might find to criticize.If they are not in town, then ask when they are going to arrive to help. If he is in a facility, then ask when they are going to visit, and exit before they arrive.

If they feel a need to yell, disconnect, and never answer their future calls, instead, as mentioned, give them the contact information of the nearest medical person willing/capable of providing them with his updated information. Family is not allowed to belittle anyone when a family member is dying. I would text them that they are not helping your father by their statements, and that your father would like to see them before he dies.

Again as mentioned get hospice to talk to them and text/email/write your siblings to consult outside therapy because you are not their punching bag. You never are obligated to respond, to bad sibling remarks. You will stop their questioning of overall care, by having them speak with those who are trained to discuss hospice and other medical information.

Tell your sister, when you are dying, you stop eating. Tell her to read up on what happens when you are dying. A simple google search will tell you this. That’s what I did when my mother was dying.

HERE IS SOME SOLID ADVICE.

ASK THE SISTERS TO SLIDE TO THE SIDE AND TO GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE. TELL THEM YOU WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER IN BEHALF OF YOUR FATHER IF THEY MAKE AN ATTEMPT ONE MORE TIME TO ABUSE YOU OVER YOUR STAND WITH YOUR FATHER. LET THEM KNOW YOU ALL WILL END UP IN COURT IF THEY THINK YOU ARE KIDDING.

YOUR FOCUS SHOULD BE ON YOUR FATHER'S LAST DAYS AND NOT THEIR HELLISH ATTITUDE.

DR COPPERTINO

If your sisters are so smart, tell them to come over and be share caregiving for an allotted time.

We went through some of this as well. They aren't dealing with it as closely as you are so they don't see the detail and they are probably a little desperate. Now is time for a vigil so they can participate in the process of helping your dad through this. Normally hospice is very good at setting expectations and helping the family. We got some very good documentation from them. Can you utilize them to communicate the true situation to your sisters so they can be helpful instead of critical?

Tell your sister that you 'd be glad to have her over to show you the right way. Then when/if she comes leave. Ask her to leave notes the right way.

Ignore her. You are doing something very admirable. You wont regret the time spent. Mpre than family are admiring your efforts.

Take care of yourself.

You are bearing the burden of your father's care. You are a good and generous person to do this, and it is a sacrifice on your part. It is easy for others, who are not bearing the burden to criticize, but not kind of them to do it. Try not to let them get to you. Use hospice for counseling for yourself and to deal with your sisters, and maybe to help buffer your sisters' criticism. Hospice is there to help at this difficult time. Take care of yourself and all the best to you.

Canoe63....im checking on you....you have been given many answers.....use whats best for your situation. I worked in oncology and lost my husband to pancreatic cancer and hospice helped me tremendously ...perhaps the hospice nurse/dr could speak with your sisters and let them know what’s happening. Sure they want to blame you, but they are mistreating you and thats not right, when you are doing alll the work. Please know you have done your best and let your dad go in peace Then you can begin your grieving and healing process. Please utilize the grief counseling provided by hospice. It can help so much. Sending healing blessings your way....Liz

Here is an article to pass onto your sisters so they can be informed : https://www.verywellhealth.com/the-decision-to-stop-eating-at-the-end-of-life-1132033 .

My siblings used to argue and make insensitive remarks to me since I am the caretaker for my father. They did not understand how emotionally and physically draining it is to be a caretaker and also that they felt guilty for not helping.

I would ask your sisters to come over maybe during lunch or dinner to assist. Then maybe they would understand. Also, let them know that they need to be there for their father even if you are the primary caretaker. They have a responsibility too to provide care and there are things they can do. The responsibility isn't all on your shoulders. They can call or Facetime with your father and they can see it is his decision not to eat.

I am sorry you are going through this. I remember when this happened to me and it was so heartbreaking because I felt like I couldn't even depend on my family and it was so isolating. After my siblings talked to my father and helped on a few days, my siblings understood and the toxicity stopped.

I know how hard it is to be a caregiver and it gets even harder when your LO no longer wants to eat or drink. If your sisters really want to know what is going on, have then speak with his hospice nurse,if that still doesn't satisfy her, tell them they are welcome to take him to their home and let them work their miracles. It upsets me when people who don't read up on their LO condition, don't lend a hand, but then have all the answers, come and want to lay blame on the one person who has put their life on hold to take care of a LO. GOD BLESS YOU, and know that you are doing what is right for your LO.

Time to bring in the hospice nurse to a family meeting. Let him/her explain what is going on with your dad and the types of care you are providing for him. Let this person communicate the current plan of care and how you and others are already following it. May him/her the "bad guy" while you provide the heavy lifting of care. He/she can also recommend a good grief counsellor to your family members. your sisters are starting to grieve and their comments to you are unfortunately signs they are having problems.

Our hospice nurse gave us a little booklet early on, which we glanced through but didn't really digest. At one point when it was getting clear that the end was much nearer, she simpler murmured that today might be a good day to look at the booklet. It gave us a really good sense of where we were in that pilgrimage. If your LO is no longer interested in food and drink, you are not doing anything wrong. This is where they are in their process. You can offer things, and they have the right to turn those things down. I fear that your other family members may be in denial, so you can feel sad about their confusion, but please know that your instincts are probably correct and you don't need to feel bad about having that insight.

The social workers at hospice facilities are very good. They answered so many of my questions when my brother was dying.

I think I would suggest to your sister/sisters that your dad might respond to them, so they are welcome to take over his feedings.

My husband has heart failure, end-stage arthritis, angiodysplasia; dementia, etc. He is not at end stage yet, but he does go through periods where he is not hungry and doesn't drink enough...that just started this year. It is heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate. I know watching your father isn't easy and then being blamed for his slow deterioration has to be very painful. Only primary caregivers can know how emotionally draining and painful it is to watch as death approaches.
A friend that cared for her spouse with heart disease for 15 plus years reassured me that we do the best we can, but in the end, God determines when it is time for our loved ones to go. Remembering that during times that I feel so discouraged and alone does give me comfort.

God bless you and give you peace.

Jeanette

If they don't think that you're doing an adequate job (you are), then they can step into the role. Let's see how long the sisters last.

I would sic the Hospice social worker on your sister and encourage the Social workers to give your sisters a call to educate them on the dying process. Stopping eating is super common and part of the transition that happens at end of life. Every hospice has to have a social worker and family dynamic issues are their specialty.