I talked to my dad on the phone and he swore it wasn't me and told my sister and Mom to hang up the phone because the call was a scam. Any advice?

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My father is 96 and lives in Arizona. I live in Iowa and get down there as often as I can. I talked to him on the phone, but today I spoke to him and he swore it wasn't me and told my sister and Mom to hang up the phone because the call was a scam. I'm going down next week. Thanks to your website, I think I'll be okay with Dad, but Mom is very argumentative and insists on keeping him at home. Please give me some advice.

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The phone is a great way to stay in touch but remember that whether they say they are great, or, like your dad, don't know you on the phone, someone must see them often and best of all is to spend one or more nights to better tell what is going on. Explain to your mother that for her to stay at home she has to have help. More and more as time goes by. If you can provide it at home that's great but the more she resists help, the sooner she will be beyond caring for your dad. Explain the concept of managing his care rather than having to do it all herself. This will allow them to stay in their home longer. If she insists on doing everything herself, you will have to put both of them in care sooner rather than later. This most likely will resonant with her as she is already tired and afraid. Does the support system she has in place clean and cook and shop and help her with dr appointments? Do they allow her to take a break? Is she getting medical care for herself? Does she drive? Do you and your sister have a DPOA for each? When you take your dad to the neurologist consider having your mom see the dr as well. She needs all the support she can get. I'm glad you have your sister to help. It sounds like you are on the right track.
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Mom does have a good support system down there, but I can tell she's very stressed and tired and lonely.
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It is a scary disease. She will not be able to care for him at home alone for very long, but with help, paid or family, it is possible. I wish you luck.
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Thank you. My sister is down there right now, so I will relay this information to her. I'll have him checked for a UTI and then have an an appt made with a neurologist. Having answers will be great and may help my mom to understand. She is 89 and very scared.
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I don't understand why you don't think he can stay at home? My mom is in stage 7 Alzheimer's and we keep her at home. I would be "argumentative" if someone tried to move her. I would be sure your father has between checked out by a doctor. Does he have a diagnosis? If not, help your mom to get him to a good neurologist. I live in Arizona too and we have many here. Read and find out more about the type of dementia he has, if he has any. Find ways to support your mom and dad during these tough years.
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Someone should check whether your dad has a urinary tract infection, which in elders, can cause behavioral symptoms like these.

I remember at the beginning of my mom's dementia, she refused to believe that it was me on the phone. It was as UTI; get him checked out asap!
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