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He is throwing out everything which will be easier for us to clean when he's gone, but he's obsessed with death and convinced he'll be dead by the the end of the year because all his brothers and father were dead by 84.


Dad also is obessed with money, money money. It's all he talks about, and death. How I'm not supposed to live long because I have no thyroid gland and the doctors said this and that.


I have not not been married long and I'm very happy in my marriage. I have an extremely caring and understanding husband. He said we may have to look after my father one day as in our home, I don't mind but I want him to leave all his negativity and misery behind. No one else is caring for him. My brother and sister are self absorbed and can't be bothered trying to understand my father's cognitive deterioration, which he is aware of anyway. He was always an extremely smart and academic man. I feel heartbroken for him.


I worked in Aged Care for 10 years and have seen elder deterioration. It's sad enough until your loved ones start to decline mentally


Poor Dad says to me that he knows that he is going downhill, even more since Mum died through a terrible fall down their back stairs and fractured her skull.


We are all missing her, but she and Dad were very close.




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He is grieving. Men that have been married for decades have a hard time adjusting to being alone. They also have been trained to be stoic and strong, so grief manifests itself in some really crazy forms.

I would encourage him to move some place that gives him socialization and activities.

My friend lost her husband and she was 83, she told me she would never remarry but her husband would have been remarried in a month. Didn't know how to live alone. I see that in older men as a rule, they want to remarry or they want to go join their wife.

I am sorry for the loss of your mom and I pray that your dad can find a new normal.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Axelle May 30, 2019
Thankyou for your kind understanding. He has joined a grief counseling group at his church.
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Thankyou for all the kind supportive answers. I know I will be taking a lot on board with him living with us.
I will certainly see his doctor with him present and hopefully he will.agree to AL.
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I think its nice that ur husband feels u may need Dad to live with u. I suggest u don't. Care giving puts a lot of stress on a long marriage, I wouldn't test a new one. Are you ready to do 24/7 care and not have a life of ur own. Have a person suffering from Dementia and find there is no ryhmn or reason to the things he does.

Since Dad is in the clean out mood (count urself lucky here) maybe u can suggest an Assisted Living. He will get 3 meals a day. People to talk to. Activities.

Elderly don't make changes easily. The death of a spouse takes its toll. I think for a man more than a woman.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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My dad has lived alone since my mom passed away. He did well for a good while but is now very frail physically. He also did the big cleanout, and he’s had me help him do this even more a few times. It seems to bring him some peace to know he won’t be leaving behind a huge mess, and I’m all for it. More recently he’s started on Zoloft for the anxiety and depression he deals with. He’s not sure exactly what it’s for, but he believes in doing what his doctors say so he takes it and it has definitely been a help. I’d suggest a visit to the doctor, you can slip a note to the doc before you go in describing the symptoms you’re seeing and that you’re wondering if a med for anxiety and depression might help. Cognitive decline is normal with age, most of us aren’t as sharp on some things as we once were, it’s not always dementia. That’s another thing the doctor can check for though. Sorry for the loss of your mom, I know how that can rock everyone in the family
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Do not bring your father to live with you simply because your husband says you should. Your father is not a happy man and he will spread his negativity throughout your life. Who knows, after your husband told you that you have to move your father in, how much help he will actually be with him. most likely, he works and will be gone all day.

Go with your father to speak with his doctor. Share that Dad feels he is depressed and missing your mother. You are certainly all grieving. Ask if the doctor knows of any support groups or if he/she feels antidepressants might help. Speak of your mother in a kind and loving way with Dad. Share stories about her. Ask his doctor if they feel therapy may help. Is it possible Dad blames himself for your mother’s accident?
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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No do not bring him home to you. His personality is very unlikely to change. You are happy now. Do your best to make that continue to happen. It is such a better way to live.

There are tons of stories here with people who have brought a parent to their home. They aren't positive in general. The personality factor will make life more difficult. He most likely needs or will need assistance. He might be a good candidate for AL. Maybe you could look into that for him.

Your sentiments of the love you feel for him are lovely to hear. If you find the right situation you hopefully will always feel that. Good luck to you.
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