My father in law wants to move in with us who are newlyweds, but he's young and just doesn't want to care for himself. Any advice?

I think the bases have been well-covered here but I want to add a thing or two about the smoking.

Smokers will promise to smoke outside. They might even do it for awhile. But then winter will come and they will start to "sneak" cigarettes inside. They might not even wait for winter. They might decide no one will notice if they have a couple in their rooms first thing in the morning or last thing at night, or when everybody else is out of the house.   Not all smokers, but many of them. 

Smokers, for the most part, really do think no one can smell anything if they smoke by a window, or smoke in the bathroom and blow it up the vent, or spray air freshener around and turn on a fan.

Smokers, for the most part, also don't realize the smell lingers for years, and makes a house smell like a gross, old, wet ashtray. Also, smoke coats the walls, the ceilings, the carpets, the furniture, the appliances, your clothing (and basically anything else exposed to it) with layers of disgusting, tarry brown gunk that is difficult and nauseating to clean. (The cleaning water looks like diarrhea.)  Oh, and if you have pets, the fur they shed will stick to the gunk after it starts to get really built up. I've done property maintenance - cleaning up after tenants who smoked and had pets was one of the grossest aspects of the job I did. One of them even had a ceiling fan and a popcorn-textured ceiling in the bedroom where he smoked. (Picture it.) I'd rather clean toilets with my bare hands than ever clean a place like that again.

I speak as an ex-smoker, and also as the daughter of a mother who swore up and down that she would never, ever smoke inside this non-smoking apartment building she just HAD to live in. She broke her promise on the morning she moved in. I caught her blowing it out the bedroom window. By the time dementia set in, she was chain-smoking in front of the television every day and night.

If you own your home and hope to sell it and move up one day, the smell will reduce its value.  No matter how well you wash, people will still smell it.  The second hand smoke WILL affect you just as much as if you are smoking yourselves.  If you hope to have children, the smoke will be extra dangerous to them, nevermind any stray butts they might pick up and try chewing on. (Did you know you can make an effective insecticide just by soaking cigarette butts in water?)

I'm just putting that out there.

Don't do it. Doooooon't do it.

I agree with Blackhole,
Do NOT do this. I never even got a honeymoon. I was a late bloomer when it came to marriage, call me paranoid but I was not going to let societal pressures rush me into such a commitment. Now, if only I had weighed the enormity of the decision of moving my mother in with us (prior to getting married) because she was becoming more dangerous living in the two story house I grew up in and the frequency of the little fender benders was becoming more commonplace when this was a woman with a perfect driving record. She also took a nasty fall down the stairs when she was alone. So.....the decision was kinda forced on us and I, being a greenie and wanting to oblige my Mom’s wishes, ever imagined I would be where I am now. Constantly stressed, no appetite, feeling like a prisoner, the huge strain on my marriage, my finances, my career, my health, no insurance, no social life because it became first, cutting to part time, then, I had to quit working entirely.
Now, the frequency of her falling and inevitably hitting her head on the way down, multiple trips to the ER, with hospital stays, her totally ignoring my simple requests, memory getting worse and worse. I have finally reached the end of my rope and realize she will be safer in an ALF. I suppose I can say I saved her lots of money over these years for her to afford it now but I will never get those years back, basically my 40’s was out the window. I feel resentful, patience is used up, it will be best for both she and I. Time to take my life back before it’s too late and not to omit I am tired of dealing with my useless siblings too. Think long and hard before doing this, in the beginning, doesn’t seem a big deal, they are not so high maintenance and it feels good to make them happy, but they DO go downhill and the worse they get, the more the demands consume your lives. Mom will not be happy I am putting her into an ALF, I think once she adjusts, she will be OK. My relationship with her will improve as well. This is the reality of it. Unless you are financially sound, where you can hire outside help, siblings to help out so you can still have a life but it is 24/7, 365 on call for their safety.

Dear toostressed,

As hard as it may be ... say no to his moving in.
You and your husband deserve your honeymoon time. And I promise you that as soon as he moves in --- the more you do the more he will want you to do for him. I myself have RA in my fifties and I am the full time care giver not the receiver.
Also as a long time married this sounds like your first test of strength as a couple ... take his hand and be a team.. no " good son" or " bad daughter in law".. from the start you need to be a team because if you say no this time he will be back with a new idea of how you can take care of him. Never let anyone get in between...he is way way too young to look for someone to kowtow to him ... I feel like my mom was too young in her 70s to expect full time care ... I feel like some people have a narcissistic attitude --- my house doesn't matter... my kids.. my grandkids..my health ...
Her total thought process is when I'm serving her next meal...
Long story still long ... run don't walk honey ... go visit .. help if you want to .. but don't make a decision you can't take back while he's only fifty something and otherwise healthy.

God bless !!!

So much good advice here, both on how to be loving in getting FIL the help he needs and also on NOT taking him into your house. There are just too many red flags with your situation.

Your FIL is still young. He may need some help but he does not "need" to live with you, except out of either fear or want. Why he would want to live with you could be as simple as not wanting to live alone, but there might be other reasons. Whatever they are, I fear you would become a kind of wife to him as well as your husband: you would do his laundry, clean his room, fix his meals, drive him to appointments, and have to consider him in all household decisions.

My FIL lived with us for a couple of years (he was much older) and my husband and I had to consider his needs at every turn. If we went out to eat, we took him along because we felt bad about leaving him at home. We stopped snuggling on the sofa because he made comments and was visibly jealous. Turns out he missed having a woman and, well... so we stopped making him uncomfortable. The whole dynamic of our marriage changed.

Just saying you should think of yourselves. You have your whole life ahead of you and to live it with him as a fixture of your marriage would be very difficult.

Q. What do we do in this situation?

A. JUST SAY "NO".

There is lots of great advice here. I agree you should not allow him to move in. My first thought upon reading your post, toostressed, was you need more information. My second thought was it sounds like your FIL is suffering from depression and anxiety (feeling sorry for himself, crying, panicking). I see others had the same thoughts, so there is probably something to them.

If your FIL were in his right mind and his judgment not clouded by depression and anxiety, and his heart in the right place, he would not want to move in with you and put such a strain on your marriage and finances. The most loving family decision is the one that considers all family members involved and is best for all concerned. If you allow his panic to control you and your husband, as well as your FIL, and allow him to move in and continue his in his depression and anxiety, you are allowing the illness to eat up all your lives and that is not good for any of you.

First, is he getting treatment for his depression and anxiety? Counseling and meds might solve much of his distress and help with the RA and had eating habits, etc., too. A good counsellor could also help him see that RA can be managed and is not the end of the world.

Is there something else going on that is adding to his panic? What is going on with his sister and her husband? Are they planning to move out and FIL is afraid of being left alone? Have they had a spat? I agree with the poster who said your husband needs to talk with the sister.

Not knowing what their arrangement is, if they are paying him rent or helping out with the bills, your FIL may be afraid he cannot make it financially without them if they are planning to move out. They may not be planning to leave at all. Whichever way it is, talking with the sister might answer a lot of questions and solve at least some of the problems.

Can the sister take him to see a social worker to explore options and possible additional benefits? See that he gets treatment for his depression and anxiety and RA and whatever other ailments he has? Not knowing what condition qualified him for disability, it could be helpful to find out. Depression? Or another condition plus job loss that brought on the depression? Until he gets treatment for the depression and anxiety, his life will not get better, only worse, wherever he is.

A visit to his local Ladies of Charity social worker might also be helpful. He can get free groceries from FISH, plus perhaps help with his utility bills, transportation, meds, etc. The LOC social workers are usually very experienced and knowledgeable about what help is available from government agencies as well as charitable, and willing to take the time and trouble to guide you through it all. You and/or your husband might find it helpful to get advice about your FIL's options from your local LOC social workers so that you are armed with more knowledge.

Your husband can help his father best by trying to enable him to get the help he needs so that his life improves. If he moves in with you, sells or rents out his small house, there is little chance of him ever getting back on his own again and you will be stuck with a mentally and physically ill man in your home forever. This would not be healthy for any of you. Your FIL getting the help he needs for his mental and physical health, and finding solutions to whatever financial difficulties he may be facing will be more beneficial to him in the long term as well as the short term. Meanwhile, you and your husband can continue to recover from your own financial difficulties. You are already struggling in the water -- allowing a desperate man who believes he is drowning to drag you down with him won't leave any of you in a good place.

Also, it would a pity for your FIL to lose the only financial security he has, that being the small house he owns, unless he reinvested the money from the sale in a small condo to live in with less maintenance required, or something on that order. You all need to step back and look beyond your FIL's panic to address the big picture and the best future for all.

This is a really tough situation, and I wish you all the best!

Continued: I also want to add that maybe it would greatly benefit your FIL to see an occupational therapist, a vocational rehab counselor, a nutritionist, a psychologist, a pain management doctor. He needs professional help. Depending on his level of disability/pain, he may be able to work (it doesn't have to be full-time), and maybe all he needs is some level of assistance (medical/psychological) to get him started. Even if he starts doing some volunteer work for a few hours a week...volunteering with a charity might boost his confidence, and this would be a start in the right direction. Otherwise, he is going to be dependant on the system for the rest of his life, sadly.

One step at a time, though, so that this is not too overwhelming for him.

You've received some really good advice. I agree with the others that you should not allow him to move in, that he will become dependant on you and your husband, and you will lose your privacy, be subjected to second-hand smoke, etc. And once he moves in, how and when will you ever get him to move out? Getting him to move out will be much, much more difficult that saying "no" to him about moving in.

My cousin allowed her dad to move in with her and her husband and kids over 15 years ago after he divorced her mom. Guess what? He is still living there! She has so much guilt about the idea of asking him to move out or putting him in assisted living. He has damaged his bedroom, blames the kids for things he's done, and more. He's always there in that house. His daughter does everything for him: cooks, cleans. Part of this is her fault for not putting her foot down and saying "no."

The best thing would be to try to find resources to help your FIL, such as contacting the Social Services Dept in his town. Do they offer affordable independent living housing? It sounds like he would qualify for special housing, given his financial status and disability. How about an inexpensive mobile home? Or renting an apartment with a roommate? Section 8 housing?

You and your husband can still love and support him, just not with him living in your home. You need to have your own lives, especially as newlyweds.

Best wishes to you.

If your husband feels trapped now, wait until his father moves in, then he will realize the real meaning of trapped.

If FIL moves in, I can almost guarantee that your marriage will end in divorce. Then the two of them can live their lonely lives together. Please do not get pregnant. It will complicate your divorce 10 folds. Would you prefer being single or being a servant to THAT FIL for the rest of his life?

I am NOT saying to divorce your husband. No no. I am just telling you what the most likely outcome will be when the self-pitying FIL intrudes into your marriage life.

I think your FIL is in fact more ill than he and you and your husband realize. At the very least he definitely suffers from severe depression, and depression can cause so many other illnesses to onset and the existing ones to get worse. And I am afraid that’s not the end of his emotional and mental problems, it’s just the most obvious.

I’m an only child, so I understand that your husband feels responsible for his dad and also would probably feel guilty if he didn’t help him, so I think he should definitely help him, but the HOW is the important part.

To provide more appropriate advice, can I ask:

-Your FIL owns a house, correct? What would happen to his house if he moved in with you? Would he sell it or his sister and husband would stay there (renting it, or for free)? Trying to understand if your FIL is trying to get more income that way?

-To your knowledge, what exactly made him want to move in with you guys now? You’ve been married two years, so why now?

-Is he having problems with his sister and husband? And as far as you know, are they currently actually caring for him?

- What type of care does he realistically needs and what type of care does he expects to receive? Trying to understand if it’s just a matter of cooking and cleaning or more than that. As a disabled person he can probably qualify for someone to come to his house for a couple of hours a day or a couple of days a week to do that for him, have your researched that? or worse case scenario, it’d be much cheaper for you two to pay for someone to go once a week and clean and cook for him, he can pay for another visit with the check he gets.

As it is and with the information available I think what I’d do if I was your husband is, first, get a realistic sense of what his health situation is; get information from his physician, and get clarity as to why he is disabled if your husband doesn’t know. Then, talk to him, be honest, not hurtful but honest.
Tell him that he needs to receive medical help to assist him with the reason why he doesn’t feel like doing much, let alone working (I.e. depression).

Explain that he has all the right and all the possibilities to have a regular and active life again, including a social life, and that he -your husband- wants to help him do that through finding the type of help he needs and assuring him he can count on him and you to support his journey finding a way back to life again, but the way to help him right now is not for him to move in with you guys, because you both work, so you would not be available during the day to assist him, plus you both are trying to start your life as a married couple and that includes working on your financial stability, etc., All the real reasons that, if he doesn’t suffer from dementia or has been selfish all his life- he should be able to understand.

I’d emphasize that he -your husband- loves him very much and that the fact that right now it is not possible to have him move in with you guys, that doesn’t mean that he cannot count on you both.

That I think is a responsible and also considerate and loving way of addressing the situation, offering the help your FIL actually needs, versus the help he wants.

As far as you, I’d strongly recommend to make your husband feel that you’re by his side on this, keep in mind at the end of the day, it is his father.

Good luck and God bless!

Too stressed, can you share with us why his sister and her husband are living with him in his house.?
If FIL is able to care for himself but chooses not too, that is unfortunate. But he is able, so I don't believe you owe him your house. But encourage him to other resources and point him to social activities, maybe if he made some friends or a friend he wouldn't feel desperate to come be with his son.
Best wishes to you. But if FIL is not ill to be taken care of and you all planned such a thing in the future, continue on getting yourselves situated first.
May God bless.

All of the above.

Politely but firmly, tell hubby you and he can help FIL do research. TAKE the research to him. Don't let him do it in YOUR house. He may, and most probably would, be too tired to go back one night or two nights. He would then have his 'foot in the door' He is a crafty 'whatname'. He is playing one side against the other. Either way he wins. UNLESS you two stand together (which I sure hope you do).

STAY STRONG. Good luck.

If you let him move in you will become his servant. He should know better than to intrude upon newlyweds. That he doesn't, is alarming and a red flag. It doesn't matter what your husband wants because he is now married to you and no longer single. Once you two married each other, you became the family unit. There is no good reason for your FIL to move in. Period.

When we were first married and even while we were dating, my husband insisted on us entertaining his mentally challenged sister. She was a spoiled brat and when we went to any attraction, she insisted on gifts and souvenirs as well and my husband complied even if we didn’t have the cash. If he didn’t she would sulk and smart off to us. Being a new wife and wanting to get on my in-laws good side, I said nothing. She could not stay by herself and my in-laws were social people. At the age of 16, she still had to be bathed. My MIL was clueless as to how to deal with a mentally challenged child so she kept her as an infant. When she stayed with us, she stole from me. I lost a beautiful necklace to her but felt I dared not say a word. Then, when my grandma passed, I bought my first car with my inheritance and paid for driving lessons. My husband, still obsessed with pleasing his parents and at their suggestion, wanted me to let his sister, an unlicensed and untrained driver, drive my precious new car around their place of business because she had been whining to them about wanting to. There was a steep slope and hill around the building and for sure she would have driven off it. I was so angry I was physically ill. I became a raging, fire-breathing dragon that even Danaerys would have been proud of. After that, hubby tread more lightly around me. But his sister has remained a sore spot all our married lives, even 43 years later.

Don’t let something like this erode your new marriage. FIL is a wolf stalking unsuspecting prey. And he’s a freeloader as well. He sees you as unsuspecting lambs and he’s going in for the kill. He’s been watching, waiting and biding his time. Once he gets into the “pen”, you aren’t getting him out. As others have said, be more than willing to help him find subsidized housing, but once he gets into your home and lives, you won’t get him out.

Don't do it!

Your husband "feels trapped and doesn't see another alternative." Oh-oh. Not a good sign of clear thinking. The decision already feels doomed.No alternative except to live with a child? Nonsense! What does your husband think happens to elders who have no children or whose children are handicapped themselves or who live across the country? Here is a hint: these fine old folks do not live in a cardboard box under an overpass. There are resources to help. That is what your FIL should be focusing on, and what your alternative is -- work on getting him some community help.

Could his sister and BIL research what would be available in his current community? Would they be willing to? Could he continue to live in his own home if he has some help? A visiting nurse, a companion, help with cleaning and laundry, meals on wheels, etc. ?

He is on disability. Does he have a case worker? That might be a place to start. The case worker may not be able to help directly but most likely can direct FIL to community resources.

Moving in with his only child is one alternative. But from here it sure looks like the worst one!

I'm going to chime in and agree with everyone else here.

Your FIL sounds like he has serious issues with anxiety, co-dependency and depression, as well as hypochondria, but not being a physician or psychologist, those are just guesses on my part. But I think pretty much anyone could see the signs. It sounds like he lives with others because he fears being alone - it also sounds like there's something more going on than just him suddenly wanting to live with you when he has someone else to live with already. Maybe his sister and BIL have tired of him being there and asked him to leave?

As others have already said, letting FIL move in with you is a big NO. If all the comments here saying the same thing are not enough to convince you and hubby of this, think about this:

Your FIL is in his 50s. He may have another 30-40 years of life left in him. Despite his unhealthy habits, he could indeed live that long.
You and hubby are newlyweds and just getting settled into married life. Things are still new to you and you are still learning to live your lives together.
Now add your FIL with all his problems to the mix.
Living in the same house.
YOUR house.
Smoking up your house with his cigarette habit.
Forcing you to deal with a constant litany of complaints about his health - but refusing to do anything about it himself.
Forcing you to give up whatever privacy and "life" as a couple that you had previously established.
No more having friends in for dinner or to watch a movie - FIL will be there with his complaints, smoking and other habits, which will make you feel uncomfortable having people over.
No more shopping for 2. Now you'll have 3 to shop for - along with higher utility bills, etc. Is FIL going to pay his share? Does he have the money for it in that small check you said he gets, or will you and hubby have to pick up the slack? Can you afford that when you're struggling yourselves?

Now imagine all of that going on for the next 30-40 years - with you and hubby becoming full-time caregivers for FIL when he works himself into a REAL disability that makes him incapable of living alone - and you are stuck with him unless you put him in an assisted living or nursing home.

Doesn't sound like a good outcome, does it?

If we sound harsh, it's because we've all been there, in varying degrees. We've all been or are still caregivers. We know how this will play out in the long run, and none of it is going to be "fun" or a "good life" for you and hubby. Not even close.

Be polite but firm. FIL can not come live with you. Hubby may want to offer to help him find a new place to live, and to find support or help for whatever issues it is that he has - but coming to live with you has to be taken off the table and never brought up again. It's not an option.

Is it possible that sister and BIL are tired of supporting dead beat FIL and want him out?
NO NO NO you are newly weds you want to have children there goes your privacy.
if you do have a baby do you really want a smoker in your house?
if you are in the US subsidized housing is available for those over 55 and on disability.
Not what he wants . he wants his nice little DIL to take care of his every need and wait on him whenever he lifts his little finger. He is a professional scrounger and will be for the rest of his life. DO NOT ENABLE HIM. Does he drink as well? Visit him don't let him visit you he will never leave.

What do you do in this situation? Man in his fifties, on disability ten years, depressed and self-neglecting, very limited income, now diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, single but sharing his small house with his sister and BIL (why, by the way?)...

You sympathise. Poor chap. I hope he gets more help with his condition and his life balance very soon, through the appropriate professional channels.

That's it.

NO, NO, NO. Set your boundaries now. Dad had designed his own life. You need to design and live your own lives.

The smoking alone should be enough not to want to share your home with him. 

No.

this would be the worst thing you could do for you as a couple, but also for the FIL. All it would do is enable him to not change his life the way he needs to. There is no good ending if he were to move in.

Look up the posts of Tgengine on this site if you want to see how this play out.

Do. Not. Allow. This.

When someone is the only child of a parent with iffy coping skills (I was), it is easy for your hubby to maybe not recognize this one simple thing: FIL’s “ask” is inappropriate.

Without being too harsh, you need to make your husband understand how foolhardy it would be to take on FIL.

Research the sh*t out of social services for FIL where he lives. Share. The end. 

This is the time in your lives for hubby to make an investment in your life together — the two of you. Your relationship, your needs and your financial security come first. 

And no, moving the mooch in with you will not boost your household income. With no overhead expenses, FIL will simply do more unwise things with his limited income.

I’m not saying cut FIL out of your life. I’m not saying don’t visit. I’m not saying don’t care. But you two — especially hubby — need boundaries. Stat.

I stink at all the right words. That’s what the other folks on this forum do so well. And they will.

For now, take away the spirit of my message. Keep coming back to AC Forum for support, and you’ll learn to develop a respectful “script” that illustrates to hubby where his priorities need to be. 

Big hugs! This stuff is hard.

P.S. How do SIL & her hubby honestly feel about semi-supporting the not-so-old coot? And giving up their privacy in exchange for his free ride? (Important: Not your problem. But the true vibe of their home life will inform the conversations you & hubby need to have — with yourselves and with his family. Knowing the score on that front will also help you & hubby create effective boundaries.)

P.P.S. Was FIL really diagnosed with R.A.? Or is this just drama??

Do not allow him to move in. I have RA. It's not a death sentence. There are many medications that have good results. I was diagnosed about 20 years ago. I have never not worked because of it. Smoking and poor nutrition will not help his RA or overall health. He should be exercising - walking daily is very beneficial. A flexibility class is also good. He needs to accept responsibility for himself. Do not allow him to manipulate his way into your home.

Talk to hubby and let him know that you will help him research other ways to help his dad. But you have every right to say that father in law isn't moving in with you and this isn't up for negotiation. Your needs, your husband's needs and your marriage comes before his father.

That sounds way too much like a thought out play on FIL’s part to suck you two up in a non thinking emotional frenzy. He’s manipulating you. Call the people he lives with and feel them out. Don’t come right out and show your cards because this might be a maneuver by all three.

But NO, do not fly to his side and no, he can’t move in.

Thank you, geewiz. My husband is starting to feel resentful that his father is putting him in a situation like this after warning him that something like this would happen. My husband has wanted to focus on us and repairing our finances before we even thought about helping someone else out. He feels trapped and doesn't see another alternative. We weren't planning on taking care of our parents this soon...we believed this would happen when they would be much older and after we had our children.

You haven't expressed your husband's opinion of this. Can you share it? I think you should be very honest with your husband and tell him you don't think this is a good idea. It would CLEARLY affect the quality of your marriage --- emotionally, financially, and healthwise - smoking and poor eating habits.
If your husband wants to help his Dad be prepared with alternative ways he can do that. Helping to identify a R.A. specialist, for example. If (for some reason) he comes to your star, be prepared to have identified low income housing options.
Communications is an important element of a marriage, you really have to be honest. If you are active in an organized religion, perhaps a clergy member can be a mediator.