My father-in-law is terminally ill. How to prepare Wife/Mom with short-term dementia to permit hospice care for her husband, and enjoy time left?

Hi, OP. In reply to your comment, perhaps try blaming the doctor. 'Doctor says you must have an experienced carer to do X Y and Z which you are not trained to do'. it might get them through the door, and they may (with luck) stop being a stranger.

Good question. It's very difficult to prepare someone with no short term memory for ANYTHING, really, because they can't remember what's happening from one day to the next or from one hour to the next sometimes. How does mom feel about having 'strangers' in the house, in general? Is she okay with letting them in? If so, then she should be okay with hospice coming in to tend to FIL. As far as having her 'enjoy the time that's left', that's another story entirely, imo, b/c she'd have to understand her husband is dying in the first place. My mother was about 2 years into her dementia journey when my father was dying and on hospice care. When he was actively dying, she was more irritated with the 'noise' he was making and trying to find the source of it than anything else. I think she didn't believe he was dying until the mortician arrived to take his body away; and only THEN did she understand what had happened, when she witnessed me crying.

So IDK how you prepare your MIL for this event except to tell her that her DH is in good hands with the nurses being sent in to care for him. And hope for the best. I also suggest you take her out of the house if/when she becomes upset with the scene that's unfolding before her, b/c death is a very hard thing to witness for most loved ones. Maybe you can take turns sitting with your FIL when he gets to the active dying stage, and make sure MIL is busy doing something else when things get too intense.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Thank you Margaret!
FIL is in stage 4 pancreatic cancer. MIL cannot be reasoned with- so another person in her home/domain or helping her man-any home care or support attempted made her quite cantankerous. Dementia is full blown short term memory, so what can be done to remind her day to day (laminated love letter explaining day to day care needed and pls honor his wishes?) I’m the DIL and live hours away, but husband’s siblings struggling with what to do for Mom?

You haven’t explained ‘terminal’, but here is one suggestion. Tell her that the doctors say that the best option is to keep FIL comfortable and wait and see what more treatment would help. Doctors say that at present another operation (or chemo or whatever) would do more harm than good. In other words, don’t use the word ‘hospice’, don't say that there is nothing to be done except wait for the end. Just use the words that do in fact justify hospice. Tell MIL that you agree that it seems the best thing, and you will wait with her to see if things change.