My FIL lived with us for 10 months last time and almost ended our marriage. I was his full time caregiver, he is 74. I did not agree to this but he moved with us to the country and we did not know how dependable he was going to be. I did not agree to live with him only visit but my husband changed his mind and did not consult with me after he was already in our house. He was diagnosed with cancer while being in our home and we had to deal with hospitals etc., after surgery he is now cancer free but you can imagine how hard all of this on us was. He is the type of man that expect women to take care of everything in the house and I had to push for him to learn how to clean his own room, bathroom, do dishes and throw trash away. For that I had to talk to my husband each time and he got mad each time and that really made our marriage suffer. On top of that my husband decided to be out and about a lot because he needed a break from me and my complaints while leaving me to take care of his dad. I got a part time job while pregnant to have some type of control in my life and away time. Of course I made sure my husband knew I was not ok with him avoiding the situation and behaving like that. Unfortunately I was still cooking and doing laundry for him when things turned down south and my husband and I had a big discussion in front of his dad because of the situation and my husband finally decided to send his dad back. I am still pregnant and it has been 2 months and now he is telling me his dad is going to come visit again. He says not now because baby is coming but when we have things figured out with baby. I am freaking out, my husband and I are doing so much better, and things are not 100% fixed but we definitely are doing so much better after so much talking. He did ask for permission to bring his dad again and he has to come because he could lose his status here and he needs to get medical attention which he does not have in his country, but I am freaking out inside. I hate living with him and I am scared my husband is going to go back to his old behavior of just being outside a lot and I am going to be left alone taking care of FIL and new baby and because he changed his mind last time about his dad living with us I do not know if he is going to do the same now. Please help on how I can handle this situation so our marriage does not suffer without him feeling like I am hating on his dad. I do not want to be a divorced mother and I love my husband.
That is so much water (a flood of it) under the bridge.
You are now pregnant and bringing a child into this household ruled by one man.
You tell us you love your husband, and you do not want to be a divorced mother.
So I will turn the question right back to you:
QUESTION:
"What can be done for a pregnant woman married to a man who doesn't give a fig what she thinks and will take in his father against her wishes, then leave said woman to care for him? What can be done when the woman tells us that she still "loves" that man and doesn't wish to be a divorced mother?"
My guess is that you wouldn't have a clue what to advise that woman, am I right?
I have to admit I don't either.
I sure would wish her well (and I DO), but I wouldn't have a single clue what she might do to make this all better. And I think/fear that her life with a man who doesn't care at all what she thinks, nor care for the welfare of her and her coming child, will not go well overall.
I am terribly sorry for your situation. I don't see an answer.
Your husband has no respect for you or your wishes and you hate your FIL, so how can we give you advice about how to handle an unmanageable situation? As long as you agree to put up with your husband's wishes at your own expense, and now your child's, you are living as YOU wish.
It’s stressing you out now, which is not good for you or the baby . Get out of this now, so your husband has time to figure out somewhere else to put his father .
BACKBONE
You matter just as much in the household.
I think you know exactly what is going to happen when FIL comes to "visit"
You do not want to be a single parent but you really are. Your "husband" leaves when it comes to him stepping up and caring for his dad. He leaves that to you. Now he will do it again but this time you will have an older man, a possibly sick older man and an infant to care for.
How to handle the situation so your marriage does not suffer you ask.
Your marriage is suffering now.
So I guess.....
You don't want to be a divorced mother
You don't want to leave your husband...you love your husband
so
You do what you did last time....
nothing
you cared for your FIL while hubby took off.
Suck it up buttercup
Only you can change your story here.
(I apologize for the harshness of my comment but I do stand by it)
Be ready to get out of Dodge with your baby if it is unbearable. Hopefully you can count on help from your family. Good luck to you. .
And even more important, who does he love most?
Your husband has shown you previously how he “handles” his father’s care (by not handling it at all), and has told you that he plans to do the same thing during the coming visit (which he didn’t discuss with you before making the decision to invite him).
If your husband was serious when he asked “for permission” to bring his father into your lives AGAIN, while knowing the chaos that erupted in his relationship with you (HIS WIFE), what did you tell him?
Any answer except “No, he CAN’T come”, is wrong! Choose again! Did your husband attempt to guilt you into unhappily agreeing to ”give him permission” to bring his father into a visit that would cause you such unhappiness?
Your husband thinks that there is a foreseeable time when you will have “things figured out with baby”.
Well GUESS WHAT- that NEVER HAPPENS! Babies don’t come with instruction manuals that provide new parents with quick simple fixes. Babies “needs” come first.
YOU are important in this decision making, and for MANY REASONS, you are not being respected. MARRIAGE is for couples who love each other and choose each other.
If you say “No visit” who will your husband choose?
As for "figuring things out with baby" as your husband mentioned, what is that, anyway? Methinks in your house it means that you handle all of it, every single bit of baby care, while husband is somewhere else because he doesn't want to get involved.
Add his daddy to the mix and you've got a full-fledged nightmare, which you've already experienced once before. Only this time, it will be worse.
You've really got a problem. Your marriage isn't likely to thrive in this atmosphere, and FIL is going to show up whether you like it or not. You don't want a divorce and you love your husband. I'd say you are pretty well boxed in, and there's no out. I see where this is going and I feel nothing but sadness for you and your precious baby.
Good luck.
I don’t doubt that you love your husband but if I were you, I would question if he loved you.
Your husband hasn’t placed you first in his life. He isn’t responsible for his dad’s welfare.
If your husband wants to help his dad, he could work on finding alternative solutions for his dad. Dad moving into your home with a baby on the way isn’t going to work out well for you.
It doesn’t sound like your husband is going to listen to anything that you say. I hope that you don’t end up as a single mom but do you really want to live with a man who doesn’t respect you?
It truly is sad that some men treat women like they are second class citizens. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership.
Having a baby in a rocky marriage is never a good idea. Things might get a whole lot worse before you can find a way to find peace in your life. I wish you well.
Also, the lot of you should be ashamed of yourselves frauding immigration like you do by having your FIL coming back in periodically so he can suck off the social services and healthcare (all paid for by the working people) that he doesn't have in his country.
I'm not going to give you any advice to try and help. In fact, I hope immigration finds out about the scam your FIL is working and that you and your husband get prosecuted for your part in it as accessories to it.
I truly pity your unborn child that it will grow up with scammer parents in a scammer family. By God's grace hopefully it will overcome that.
See All Answers