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My father is number 1 on her health care proxy, and I am number 2. He has serious control issues and is refusing to allow me to see or contact my dying mother. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions. He lives in NY and I am a Registered Nurse that lives in Virginia.

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Contact an elder attorney immediately and Adult Protective Services. My goodness I hope you can see your mother before it is too late. Thoughts and prayers sent to you.
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Call the Regional Ombudsman for guidance.
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BeachRN, your mom is in a facility and has extra caregivers?

So she has 24/7 care even without the extra caregivers, yes?

Did APS have any suggestions as to how to prevent your father with dementia from interfering with your mom's care?

Perhaps the Ombudsman for the facility coukd help? Have you spoken to the director of the facility about your ability to visit?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I believe I would beg, plead and crawl. If that doesn't work, I am not sure what might. It sounds as though you have no relationship with your father. Was your mother and your relationship good when she was not incapacitated? I would write your father and ask, if he will not let you see your Mom in any circumstances before her death, would he please allow you to send her cards, flowers, anything she might like, such as a picture album you make of the family? If he is actually monster enough after all of THAT to not allow you to see your Mom? Well, I am not a believer in Karma or in anything else, and I so dislike the word guilt, but can only say I am not thinking happy thoughts about what I wish for him ongoing. I wish YOU the very best, and I am so very very sorry. To be a child unable to see a dying Mom, to be cut off and wondering if she longs for you, is more a torture to my mind than the actual loss. I am so very sorry.
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AlvaDeer Aug 26, 2020
Reading further on your answers to others, BeachRN I see there was a lot I missed. I didn't know your Dad has a probable dementia. It is almost sounding as thought this is going to move toward a guardianship issue. I didn't now your Mom has moved into care? I think that would change my answer above, for certain. I do think you will need the lawyer you are seeking for advice.
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What is the position of the facility your mother is in regarding you visiting? Will they allow a visit, perhaps at a time your father isn’t present, or could be called away to do something else? If they’re seeing his unreasonable behaviors maybe they’ll work with you
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Are your parents living together in their own home, in assisted living or is your mom in a care facility of some sort with your dad living elsewhere? I ask because it will make a difference in approach options. If your mom is in a facility of some sort your MPOA even as 2nd may very well get you in the door, circumvent Dad and simply go to director or staff. If she’s at home with him and he’s preventing you from visiting either of them at all well that’s a bit different. In either case consulting with an attorney, maybe the one that drew up the MPOA’s, is a good idea but while your getting that ball rolling (in case you need it)I would work on finding a way to gain your fathers trust or make it clear to him that he has the control by letting you see Mom. Use Dads controlling nature to make him feel good about having you around if that makes any sense. Whether the issue is his cognitive decline coupled with his nature or his fear of loosing control to you, a common issue I have found, fighting or escalating with Dad would be my very last resort. Letting him be “in charge” and simply helping him, yes manipulate him I guess, could be the easier and faster route through this. I’m not saying it will be easy and your likely going to have to swallow some stuff but you may need this ability to work Dad later for his own care down the line and establishing that relationship rather than an adversarial one, learning to approach from Dad’s warped perspective. I would give this a good try first but start the attorney consultation process behind the scenes in case it doesn’t work. In fact you could consult a therapist or geriatric psychiatrist too for help with how to deal with Dad. Good luck, I can’t imagine how awful this must be.
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BeachRN Aug 26, 2020
Up until recently they were living in their own home with my 54 year old brother who is physically unable to help. My mom has 12 hours of care 7 days a week. It's a mess. My father refuses to allow any help in that can't speak English well, and refuses to allow them to even try and demonstrate appropriate care. One of the regular aids has kids, she had to take off some Fridays for school things. My father actually went to the school to check up on her. (OH MY GOD), and when he found out that the days didn't match her time off, called the agency to tell her that she lied, and then confronted the aid. The agency told him if his behavior doesn't change, he will get a 10 day cancellation of care letter, leaving my Mom without care. Because he is verbally abusive and nasty to the staff, there are very few fill ins that will go. I am now the biggest whipping post and I am so over it. He has dementia, and he will NOT even have the MD evaluate him for it because he doesn't have a problem, I do. I can't handle this.
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Lawyer up without delay. If his behavior constitutes over the line conduct, you may wind up in a hearing to assess HIS competence as a decision maker. If that becomes the case, GO AFTER HIM.

Better for YOU to have legal responsibility for both of them than he have the ability to tarnish your mother’s remaining time.

Pull together a list of any reputable sources of observers to his conduct, reports and reasons as to why he was barred from previous nursing home, etc. “Forewarned is fore armed”.

If you are ABLE to do mental shift from being angry at him to pitying him, it may help you to deal with him as a nurse rather than as a daughter, and doing so may be helpful moving forward.

Hoping for the best for you and all involved.......
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BeachRN Aug 26, 2020
I'm in the process of trying to find an attorney in NY. He is getting more and more difficult by the day. I just can't deal with him anymore. Everything I say is a lie, and everything he says is gospel. I am so hurt. This is not my father.
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I think you need to call Adult Protectice Services and discuss this situation with them.

How does your mother feel about this? If someone shows up and asks her opinion, will she say "no, its all fine". (My dear aunt would never "go against" her husband, although he was a mentally ill tyrant with dementia.

Is your dad mentally ill; does he have dementia or both?

Have you considered taking legal action to gain guardianship of your mom?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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BeachRN Aug 26, 2020
I called APS, and they won't touch it because my mother is in a facility.
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My suggestion is to see an elder law attorney, as I do not feel that he can do what he is doing in preventing people especially family from seeing their family such as mother and fathers etc. I am not sure in your state, but depending on your moms age it could fall into elder abuse laws.
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Reply to thingsarecrazy8
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