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Before the nursing home, we would see each other every day. He still calls begging to come home. Feeling lost don't know what to do..

I'm another one who never got the reasoning behind the recommendations to not visit after placement - sure, there are going to be some people who go overboard and practically eat and breath for their loved ones but most of us know the difference between a visit and interference. When someone is frail and confused and you have been their daily support they are naturally going to feel abandoned and afraid, if anyone ever suggested doing something this to a little child they'd be pilloried.
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Reply to cwillie
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Why are you waiting? I know there are those who believe you should give it some time before visiting. I think it's cruel personally.

He might feel abandoned. I'd go visit him now. If he knows you will be by to see him regularly it might help the transition. Just my opinion.
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Windyridge May 17, 2019
I’ve still got dad in memory care to deal with. I lurk around the forum now and then. Thanks for the howdy.
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This is one the toughest parts of caregiving but you have to stick to your guns. Dad needs to get used to his new home. It’s hard and it will take some time but trips back to home will just extend the pain. My dad was looking for his car all day, every day so he could go home. It took him several weeks to settle down.
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Gershun May 16, 2019
Hi windy. Long time, no hear. Good to see you on here.
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I know this situation is very traumatic for you and for Dad. But, this is a very common reaction to entering a facility. He is just aware enough to realize his surroundings have changed and he is very unhappy. 99% of people with dementia in facilities want to to go “home”. In some cases, as in my mom’s, “home” was her childhood home in the 1920’s. She was very persistent, crying, pleading, it was truly heart-wrenching. I finally invoked the therapeutic fib and told her she’d have a wait a little while because her “mummy” was out shopping and her daddy was at work and there was no one home.

When you say “is it too soon to go see home”, are you thinking of bringing him back to visit his home? This is a very, very bad idea. Do not bring him to his former home. You will increase his stress level a thousand fold.

If you are asking if it's too soon to go see him, there is no time table. But if you do go see him, prepare yourself. Do not weep and wail with him about how unfair it is that he has to be in the facility and admit how guilty you feel, or on the other hand, tell him that he must stay there for the rest of his life. We here do not hesitate to throw the medical professionals under the bus. “When the doctor says you can go home, we’ll talk about it.”

All of us here who have had to place a loved one in a facility understand what you’re going through. Come back often with updates.
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