My father has become increasingly demanding on me - AgingCare.com

My father has become increasingly demanding on me

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My father is in his late 70's, lives alone in the family home. My mother died many years ago and never found anyone else. His health and mobility has now started to decline, with regular falls but refuses to accept it. He thinks he manages at home but he doesn't. I've offered to pay for a cleaner to help but he will not accept it. He's not far off the point of needing carers but his stubborn attitude is his down fall. My siblings and I have all spoken with him on numerous occasions that he should sell up and move into a bungalow or a sheltered housing place for company. He will not as he doesn't want to leave the very few friends he has (who he rarely sees from one week to the next) and he insists the house is for our inheritance. All of us agree that we don't want it and would much rather he used the money on himself. He's reluctant to contact grandchildren believing its their responsibility to contact him as he is the grandfather, doesn't see it as a two way thing. Any form of advice from us he never listens too even though he asks, I'm sure it's an I'm the parent you are still the child situation. My brother lives very close but I am always the one my father calls. We have also encouraged him to change his car, to an automatic, as he is becoming a danger but again he refuses as sees no issue. He comes round my home nearly every evening, he's there when I arrive home from work and doesn't go till 8pm. I feel trapped. If I'm not at home when he thinks I should be he calls me numerous times, if I don't answer he starts calling my older children. If I go out I have to tell him in advance so he doesn't come over, I feel 12 again and I resent that, I'm a grown woman. I can't just be spontaneous! He regularly asks me to message him when I arrive at places and when I return, which I don't!! On the odd occasions I do go on holiday I get comments like "well I'm sure I will be ok for a few days but it will be lonely with no visitors".


I feel he's very selfish and lacks insight into my life, he doesn't see coming round my house loads as an issue as he regularly tells me he is lonely and I don't know what it's like!! I'm at my whits end, I work for the NHS and know what is available to him in the area but he refuses to acknowledge any of it but continues to say he is lonely. I've lost all sympathy for him and it hurts me as his daughter and I love him but I feel all this is of his own doing. He's so negative and miserable all the time and I don't look forward to seeing him. My children either go out or go to their rooms when he is round. My siblings are very supportive but he doesn't involve them half as much as he does me. Last night i nearly had a panic attack as i knew it was getting near the time he was coming round and I felt trapped!! I managed to control it but I felt awful. I liken it to my emotionally controlling ex who was very similar in wanting to know where i was and what I was doing, who I was talking to! The feelings of back then are resurfacing. I'm not even 40, my children are at an age where they don't need me as much and I want my freedom not my elderly father controlling my time. I'm stuck in that trap that has been mentioned many times, guilt plays a huge part! I know he's becoming frailer every day yet he refuses to acknowledge it and I feel guilty about wanting my life.


Sorry for the rant

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yes I agree w ahmijoy  you should probably take the time (unfortunately) and have him seen by his dr.  - not saying he has dementia, but it is very common for memory issues to start, and the 'odds' keep increasing as age increases. also sometimes it hard for family to detect if they have dementia or not.

get your siblings involved too in case one of them would like to come along to dr appt.

as far as your dad living alone. I think at a certain point you will have to do something...not sure what medical issues and how bad walking is for him(?)

sometimes until something bad happens is the only time you can really step in and force them to move.

is your dad still driving? still paying own bills etc.? things can change so quick.

are there any senior citizen centers in his area. you could take him a few times and encourage him to make new friends (?)

edit my mom is in assisted living and at times I do feel her being clingy to me. she acts like I don't have anything else to do. she would like me to stay all day, each and every day.
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Reply to wally003
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I agree. You need to set boundries. Tell Dad you are not his only child. That he needs to rely on all of you. That he needs to call before he visits. You work a demanding job and need to relax when u get home. That you have children and they need your attention when you come home. You have certain responsibilities to them. That your an adult and do not need to answer to him. Thats the reason your ex is an ex. Yes, he may be hurt or mad, let him. After a few days you can call and see how he is. Since your siblings al, seem on the same page with Dad, when he complains about you, tell them to say they agree with you. Maybe the selling of the house and trying an AL would look good to him. Good Luck.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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This calls for drastic measures. Dad has put the responsibility for his life entirely upon you. If you wanted another baby, you would have given birth to one. But you got one anyway complete with fussing and demanding your attention.

If Dad simply walks into your house, either change the locks or install a deadbolt. Let him knock and pound on the door to his heart’s content. Only answer his calls when you feel like it. Do not share your schedule with him. You’re a grown woman and you do not need his approval for your comings and goings. He can only control you if you let yourself be controlled. Since you have an ex with the same qualities, you may want to speak with a therapist for some tools to use when men start trying to control your life. Set a time when Dad can visit. Tell him if and when he shows up unannounced he will not be allowed in. If he’s at the front door, go in the back. Tell your kids Grandpa can only visit with your permission and they are not to let him in or answer his calls to divulge your whereabouts. Get tough. Tell him you are no longer the president of his Lonely Hearts Club and not his entertainment director.

He also needs to go to his doctor. Tell him he needs to go to keep his health insurance. Find out whether he has dementia and why he’s falling. Show him how to dial emergency services. Tell him if he wants to be so involved in yiur life, he will start doing as you say or he’s out.
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