My father calls us every 5-15 minutes begging to come home from the rehabilitation center. Is this normal? What can we do?

If I ll give my mom phone and if she remember how to call, she ll do the same, she will call me every 15 minutes asking when I ll come to see her. and when I am coming and I am coming every day after work, she think that i came forever and either will sit with her forever or she ll go with me whenever I am going, she does not even saying home, she saying :I am going where you are going...." She knows who I am, she knows that I am working, but in her mind I am HERs property forever....As much as guilt killing me, I understand that if I take her home in that stage of dementia now (and some other health problems), I should stop working and three people in my family will lose health insurance, so I am just comes and leave, crying on a parking lot....She took out 15 years of my life, but now I simply cant. So first advice - just disconnect his phone, thats is.

It's VERY COMMON.
Talk with dad's doctor first.
Make an appointment with the doctor just like a normal exam. At the end of the "exam" have the doctor tell him that he needs to be in a "rehab" facility and that he...the doctor....is writing the script to Medicare and the nurse has already made the arrangements.
Take dad back to the rehab facility etc. When dad calls just tell him he can't come home YET because Dr______won't allow it. You've have or you will call Dr_____ in the morning to find out more.
When Dad calls again, tell him that you're still waiting for the Dr to call.

Everytime my Mom or stepfather do the same thing, I've told the family to tell them that Dr_____ won't let them go home yet. They accept it and don't even realize that they are being seen by a totally different doctor.
They are becoming more comfortable and the staff is absolutely wonderful with this transition. The manager told me that it takes about 6 months for them to forget and accept this is their home now.

I also made a family photo album with a page on the opposite side telling Mom who the people are and how she's related to them.

Aalthough I'm not having the "best" relationship with my step-siblings, they saw this little photo album story book for Mom......THEY COPIED IT.
I knew they would so I made sure it was visible. They "called" me to make to let me know my step-father had a new cellphone/number and they worked in the album.
I told them that it was suggested to me by a friend to help Mom with her memory.
Keep adding small things to help him "think" he is home.

TAKE AWAY HIS PHONE!! - tell him he gets back phone priveledges when/if he stops this behavior & do it - he is 1 person but upsetting you, your mom & himself with this behavior -

BTW who said he doesn't have dementia? & how long ago because if I was you I'd have him retested because it sure sounds like he is acting like spoiled child & that can be showing dementia - especially his lack of being able to see what he is doing to others because it is all 'ME, ME, ME' - the Earth orbits the Sun not him

EllensOnly has the right idea. Assuming he does not have dementia that is. I did it in reverse. I told mom that as long as she could get out of bed, dress, keep herself clean, use the microwave and walk around, she could stay home. We could manage all the rest. My aunt's doctor gave her the same orders as EllensOnly did. She never went home. Aunt would say, I want to go home, but, I need help showering, then it was help with the wheelchair. She finally had to admit she needed too much help to go home.
I would find some way not to take his calls all the time.

Put an Ipad under his nose on continual mode and set it up for him to watch episode after episode of his favorite shows. For me, back to back Columbo works.

When Mom wanted to come home from the hospital instead of going to a SNF her in her final weeks, I knew I could not take care of her. I lived out of state, it was the start of a new school year and my son was home with a broken leg & husband was driving Tractor Trailer all night.
I gave her goals, if could meet the goals I’d figure out bringing her home or to my house. She has to be able to get out of bed, dress herself, get to the bathroom and take care of her needs there. She tried for a day but needed a 2 person assist. So we reviewed with her what her needs were and how was her 80 Year Old Sister or I going to be able to care for her. It took time but she finally agreed that we could not take her home.

I am somewhat disappointed in some of the responses to your question. First I suggest that your father is diagnosed properly as it sounds like dementia issues. Anxiety and anger can present themselves and medication may be the way to help- I say help as the personality of the person also shows. I would suggest that your Mom turn her phone off at a particular time so she does not get the calls-maybe you too as either you trust the place your parent is living or go somewhere else if you can. The stress you all feel does not help your father. take care of yourself as you cant help anyone else if you dont.

Perhaps you can write out something saying "Mr, ______ cannot return home." Signed, his physician, which of course is you.

gabriela1458, your post shows you have a very loving heart. The problem is her dad probably can't think normally anymore. I doubt that she will ever have the father-daughter relationship back. Sometimes those doors close and we can't go back in time and open them. His wife has to cope with her new reality also and his constant calling wears on her too. I do think the IHSS is a good idea. I am in California too. My worry with that is her security. I say this because my actively alcoholic nephew works in the IHSS program. He goes to people's homes to help them. That shows me they don't screen very well. As far as I know he hasn't stolen from them. He just goes drunk. But, if they haven't screened him very well, who else don't they screen.

What about hiring someone to help your mom with her daily tasks at home mainly to look after him? Your dad plainly wants to be at home and that's understandable. I don't think it's a question of sedating him to keep him 'calm', but pleasing him. Do not confuse his frailness, his constant calling you and your mom to ask when you are going to pick him up with being demented. Why don't you put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would react if you were placed in one of those 'horrible places' for the rest of your life? Be compassionate and don't try to imagine or see 'things' that are abnormal in his behavior because they are not. I don't know where you live, but here in California we have the IHSS - In-Home Supportive Services -where, if requested, a Social Worker would go to the home and assess the condition for older people who are in need of a living companion or daily assistance. The social worker would tell you the hours of assistance that they would assign and they would pay for their time. In my opinion, you should contact your local Security Office who will be able to give you information about such program in your area, and/or direct you to the proper local organization. Your DAD expects only love and affection from his wife and you - to be treated in the same manner he treated you when you were his 'little' girl. I think that helping him find this kind of help would allow you to have your father-daughter relationship back. I hope this is helpful.

I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle when I saw this. So far, I am the only one who has not been asked to take Mom/step-father home. My siblings are asked all of the time. My brother lives in TN and Mom asked him yesterday.
I had to talk with Mom's former GP regarding the Court papers he had to submit so that I could get Guardianship/Conservator. He asked how Mom was doing in the assisted living etc (this was only the 2nd time I had ever talked with this doctor).
At the end of our conversation I told him that I lie to both Mom/step-father about why they are staying at the facility.....I tell them that this doctor placed them there and they can't go home until he allows them to go back home.
He laughed and said whatever it takes!

I tell everyone to tell them this, of course there are those who feel that they should know the truth. NO, if they suffer from Alzheimer's/dementia....LIE, LIE, LIE. They will forget and ask again.
There is a really sweet woman in this same assisted group home whom I talk with every time I'm back home. She is waiting for her Mother to come pick her up and needs to call her to find out why she hasn't been by yet.
I will tell her that I know that her Mother has called, but right now she is very busy and will get there as soon as she can. She hasn't forgotten, she's just running very late.

My step-father asked me at least a half dozen times if I was the oldest of the Fields children. That's my Mother's side of the family. I'd tell him no that I am a Rosenberry and he would say (every single time) I've heard that name before, but I don't remember why. This man was engaged to Mom, but Mom married Dad while step-father was over seas during Korean War. Mom/Dad divorced 25 yrs ago and these 2 have been married 24 yrs. I wonder why he's heard this name before!!

If Dad is living in an assisted living facility, ask them to take his phone away after he makes the 1st call. They can tell him that his phone battery has died and they are charging it and will give it back as soon as it has re-charged.
Reason why facilities don't have land lines for residents and they really don't like them having cellphones for this reason.
Really, with everything I have to do for the Court etc, I'm glad my siblings are getting these phone calls; they text me afterward and I tell them the same thing over and over about what to do.

Whereas going home may be a non-negotiable, "Home" is the one place where one has a sense of autonomy and connectedness with what gave his life meaning. This is a major loss. Finding ways he can stay connected or preserve his autonomy in his current setting that work for all parties may provide some movement forward. Sometimes just asking the person those questions provides some sense of control of their daily activities. For example, did he have a pet that might help him feel connected with home? a favorite activity he likes rather than just plugging him into a scheduled activity? A friend or church member he could call? Any way to give him some control back in his life might alleviate some of his anxiety and make life easier for his family.

what types of losses has your father recently experienced?
Loss of his home, loss of mobility, loss of independence. Many times people in this type of situation know their reality and their restrictions but do not want to accept it. What types of things and activities give your dad purpose? Did he used to do wood work? Was he a locksmith? Was he a doctor? Farmer? Has he been the primary bread winner for your family his whole life. Has he slept next to your mother every night for the past 35 years. Can you imagine what suddenly that must feel like for him not being able to do so?
Your dad right now feels as though he has no purpose and likely at least at home he will feel that he has some sense of identify. You and your mom and the medical team need to come up with ideas and activities that would make your dad feel as though he has purpose and meaning. Sure you can add the diagnosis- dementia, but that is not going to resolve the issue and stop the phone calls.
Can he come home for the day 1x or 2x a month when family is around to help? Can you and your mom sit down with him and discuss what it would entail in order for him to SAFELY be at home and what the barriers would be at home that make it unsafe?
Hopefully this helps, its a different mind set and approach that needs to happen. Validating his feelings when he is saying things like you don't know what its like- a simple response would be "no dad, I do not know, help me understand." Open questions not closed.

Good luck,

Does he have and know how to use a computer or smartphone? I'm new to this, but I wonder if scheduling chats by Skype or Facetime might help. He's lonely, he's away from the people and home that he loves. I can't begin to imagine how he must feel now. Maybe if you could work out a scheduled video chat he would be more content. He knows that at 7pm he will get to see your face or his wifes face so he has that to look forward to. I have an android phone, so I can't facetime on that, but I have an iPod Touch that I facetime with my nieces. It uses wifi, not a phone plan. Just a thought.

It might be helpful for someone, you or her, to get a prepaid phone with a number that the facility can use in an emergency. then you and your mother can turn off the phone he is using to call so he cannot bother her. And with the other phone, you can be assured they can reach you in a true emergency. Everyone here is right, you need to look after your mother; the stress and guilt of his non-stop calling is probably overwhelming

I don't think there is much in the way of therapy with neuropathy. Nerves have been damaged. You know what I was told about mini strokes, they are strokes. Mini doesn't mean there has been no damage. He can also still be having mini strokes and not know it. My first thing would be take the phone away. Its not good for Mom to get these calls either. Someone posted there are phones you can call in but they can't call out. Tell him you understand his frustration but that Mom cannot take care of him. He is being unfair to her demanding her to come home and expecting her to be there 24/7. He needs to learn how to adjust to his situation. I know, right. Its nobodys fault he is where he is its just how it is. If he is agitated most of the time, there are meds for it.

Was he able to participate and make any progress in physical therapy?

Let's face it, rehab and nursing homes are not fun and the thought of never leaving is too much for some people - working toward a goal is good motivation - dad, you need to get some strength back to help transfer from chair to bed before you can go home

His constant calling is very much a sign of dementia but if dad is used to mom always doing for him then he might have even a more difficult adjustment and she will have to try some tough love and not take all his calls - if the calls escalate late in the afternoon then it could be a sign of sundowners

If he has a neurologist then also ask for a follow up

SMMAC, you say your father doesn't have dementia; I wonder if by dementia you mean Alzheimer's Disease, and only Alzheimer's Disease?

The thing is, this obsessional repetitive behaviour sounds a heck of a lot like dementia: certainly all is not well with his ability to process thought, planning and memory, is it? And with strokes, there is often a close link to vascular dementia: different from Alzheimer's but in some ways just as challenging.

Have you and/or your mother discussed this with the SNF staff? Keeping your father comfortable, which includes keeping him free from anxiety as far as possible, is actually their responsibility. If they don't do anything to provide residents with occupation and company, perhaps it would be better to look for a facility with more emphasis on a good activities programme.

I don't see what you can do for your father from 800 miles away! And it's arguably your mother who needs help more. Encourage her to set fixed times for seeing and speaking to your father, and to feel no guilt for turning her phone off the rest of the time.

wally003

All well and good but he is dependent on nursing staff to get up. There could be times when they would get to him when they get to him.

He cant get up without assistance, that would make just about anyone miserable, dementia or not.

There's another aspect and that's whether or not he's able or willing to, or if the staff are making attempts to get him involved in activities, beginning with music and animal therapy.

his judgment doesn't sound too good. the reason I say that is because you state he went home for 10 days, and fell every day. and 911 had to be called. I think most people thinking clearly - would say, ya know im better off here in skilled nursing...

I know I hear a lot of eldery that even at 90 are still sharp minded etc.

but in my opinion - the older they get the more chance dementia is sneaking up

my aunt who was a real character. and very smart lady. quick wit and funny. I never thought she had any dementia. but one time I went to visit, she didn't know who I was. and then I realized I was just missing the signs.

but regarding the calls. don't know how to stop. except to remove the phone. or like you are doing -

agree with prev post. see a geriatric doc

Who says he doesn't have dementia?

Unless he's had a complete neuropsych exam ( as in 3 hours of paper and pencil testing, an MRI and a neurological exam) all the docs are telling you is that he's got some basic memory and arithmetic skills.

Look, his reasoning ability sounds shot. Get him to a geriatric psychiatrist who may be able to help with meds
(clearly, just Lexapro or the disage hes at isnt sufficient) for depression and agitation.