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4 yrs ago he married a woman who is also 92. Everytime we have any kind of dinner, get togethers or go to him to have a discussion she ends up crying, drawing the attention to her. 3 weeks ago my father was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. It's spread to his bones in 10 areas 3 areas are on vertebrae an also to both lungs. He can hardly see, deemed legally blind and she can't hear deemed deaf. She gets upset if I'm not translating every other sentence, which I have to write all down, accusing us of not including her. She starts crying and walks off that just ends all discussions. I don't think emotionally she's going to be able to handle this situation.

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Well done Sandy, Must be quite a relief!!
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sandy28 Nov 6, 2018
Yes it is, not too say all duck's are linked up but very close next though is finding his funeral arrangements last year he paid the funeral home updated his OBIT., who was gonna give the eulogy, which suit, songs, ect. My sister thinks if dad passes we're not going to be allowed in the apartment I kinda think she's right
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Bringing up the advice directive was made a little easier with the help of Jan. We were at dads oncologist appointment filling out his paperwork, it didn't come in the mail, the last page was to be signed by him and his spouse or guardian that they were aware they were responsible for any balance owed that the insurance didn't pay. Dad signed it and handed to Jan, she read it then in her normal loud voice said "I'm not going to be responsible for this!" This upset my dad he told her to just sign it. (The VA is paying for this we've told her this their also paying for the nurse 2xs a week, PT 3x's a week and the aide comes daily) We just told my dad that it was fine she didn't have to if she didn't want to, dad was upset an embarrassed she caught the attention of the whole waiting room. Then of course she had to start crying and the subject was dropped, so when I took them back home I brought up the advance directive wrote down everything of how he wanted it then wrote my name in he asked about Jan I told him I didn't think she was going to be emotionally able if the time came he was good with that and signed then I got the apartment managers they read and signed it as witnesses then made me copies. I'm just glad that's over
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JoAnn29 Nov 7, 2018
You may want to get it notarized. Witnesses may not be enough. A Notary has to have proof your Dad is who he is.
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We are dealing with a blended family, step dad in hospital situation right now. Our families are not large, but the issue of kids (of any age) being more concerned about their own parent than the step parent are playing out.

Her kids need to know that your Dad is gravely ill. He will no longer be able to provide care for her and is likely, with the cancer having metastasized, to pass sooner than later. It is the job of her children to support her. It is your job to make sure your dad is getting the medical care he needs and is kept comfortable.

I am not sure from your post where they are living and what level of care they are currently receiving. Can your step mum continue to live there? Howis it being paid for? Who is paying?

You need to have a conversation with your Dad about his final wishes, is his will up to date, who is the executor etc.? You may or may not need to get a healthcare POA, if your dad gives verbal permission for you to talk to his doctors, you may not need it.

Who currently is handling their finances? If Dad is blind who pays the bills? Do you or your sister have a list of your Dad's accounts? Are the accounts in joint name? Whose name, you, your sister, your stepmum, her kids?
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Have now talked to 3 of my 4 siblings we've agreed after tomorrows appointment we will discuss it with our dad Jan his wife will have to go for a walk if she can't handle his kids discussing this with our father cuz this for his care and wellbring
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Your difficulty seems to be not with your father but with your stepmother. For that is what she is, no matter how late in the day their romance.

Given the severity of your father's illness and his age, I think it might be difficult for him to cope with creating POAs while fending off his tearful wife.

You could ask his doctor to insist on seeing him in private, and ask the doctor to ask him whether he wants to spare his wife the POA and health care responsibilities by appointing new proxies. But the doctor won't agree to this if he thinks it's going to burden his patient unreasonably.

On the other hand, he might agree to ask if it's going to make medical decisions simpler. But your father would still have to be up to the job.

Does your stepmother have any family of her own? Where are she and your father living?
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sandy28 Oct 28, 2018
I think that would be a good idea to to see if the doctor would do that. Yes it is going to be my dad's decisions we all know that, we've always known
They live in a independent living apartment we're in Michigan, she has seven kids 4 daughter's that live in Wisconsin 3 sons one left Friday for Florida for the winter other 2 live 21/2-3hrs away then she has a 94 yr old brother and a 80somthing yr old sister living in the same city and their getting ready to go to Florida to for the winter.
6 years ago she moved to Michigan from Florida. why? is what we all ask each other all the time
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Absolutely he should have a POA medical and financial effective immediately.. It sounds like his wife should too. Perhaps she should have an evaluation as well.
JoAnn's idea to take him to lunch and do it apart from her is a good one,

I am sorry about the cancer diagnosis. What a difficult situation!
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I would ask Dad to assign someone as his Financial and Medical POA. Make sure in the medical POA he lists what he wants and what he doesn't want. Take Dad to lunch and have someone sit with her. This is serious. Dad should probably start Hospice. So sorry.
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sandy28 Oct 28, 2018
That is a good idea maybe Monday when I take him to the doctor he can help me explain this to my dad that this needs to be get done. My sister who always was a daddys girl did all this but Jan (dad's wife) has put a wedge between them now it's up to me. I've thought of getting her to go to the store with me then have my sister go in an talk to him its sneaky but that's the only other thing I can think of so she can't interfere and turn it around to being about her. She doesn't get it that we are concerned about our father and his wellbeing! I'm sure her kids have everything in order for her cuz her 4 daughter's live in Wisconsin & her 3 sons who live here in Michigan where we're at, one just left for Florida for the winter the other 2 are 21/2-3 hours away. I feel helpless and lost wish I could just come right out with it, discuss this with him but know she'll get upset and upset him. Like I said I'll bring it up at the doctors appointment start there.
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