All my mother's life my uncle, her brother, has always been controlling of her. Recently he has fallen ill, he keeps my mother on the phone for up to 4 hours and I overheard conversations where he keeps saying mean things and she has to defend herself. He has been begging her to come to stay with him a couple of days just for a visit. She is 85 and in good health, has an active social life with friends and neighbors.
I tried to convince her not to go or only go for a couple of hours, she insisted she stay 1 week. He lives 2 hours away. She told me the entire time he verbally abused her, he has no food, none in the fridge and told her nobody delivers to his house so eat cookies. It was over 90 degress he refused to put on the AC, then he told my mother to get to work on his garden in the hot weather, she almost fainted, I'm sure there are many things she didn't mention to me, because she is severly shooken up and very depressed now. She tells me she should of listened to me and won't go there again, but she is under his control. (he doesn't give her money and has stated he is leaving her Nothing) It's just an abusive relationship... it's been going for years and now getting worse as he is sick. If she decides to go back is there someone I can report this to? If this abuse continues?
Also his childen are not nice people, I have no relationship with them
Your mom can do as she chooses. She doesn't HAVE to talk to OB for 4 hrs and take abuse. SHe can hang up. She can block his phone number! She doesn't have to even acknowledge his existence!
And, rarely do you see sibs leaving inheritances to each other esp if there are kids involved.
He also doesn't owe her money or anything other than familial kindness, which sounds like it's sadly missing.
You have no relationship with his kids? Fine. Encourage her to stop talking to him, completely.
I am curious--HOW does a 95 yo man 'control' someone who is 2 hrs away from her?
You can only encourage her to stand up for herself and that seriously is as easy as blocking his phone number or using caller ID to know when NOT to pick up the phone.
Reward #1-Your mother loves complaining to you about the abuse, then stop listening to her. Tell her: "I don't want to hear again about how awfully you were treated unless you stop going to your brother and volunteer for more abuse."
Reward #2-Your mother loves to feel like a victim and have others feel sorry for her. You stop telling her what a poor woman she is, and what an assh0le her brother is. She's not a victim. She is in control of her actions.
Reward #3 - She gets to be the center of attention. "I'm being abused here, pay attention to me." Everyone's got their own problems, big or small, but none is more attention grabbing than hers. Gosh, everyone, stop what you're doing and pay attention to this poor soul.
Act nonchalant. Don't give her the attention she's craving. When she starts rehashing the abuse, you walk away.
Remember, your mother is IN CONTROL of her actions. In fact, if you have the nerve, then ask her when she's going back to her brother since she seems to enjoy his company so much.
Maybe, if/when she stops getting the rewards she's looking for, she'll stop getting abused by choice.
If you don't understand yet why she is still so much under his sway, it isn't likely you ever will. But you can meet fire with fire. If she insists on going to his house again physically, can you insist that she doesn't go without you? - then you can either keep stalling, or go and give him a piece of your mind.
Actually, there are great choices to forward his number to, the zoo, since he’s acting like an uncivilized creature. Perhaps a mental hospital, since he is unstable.
What about a funeral home to remind him where he is going! I doubt that he is interested in changing his ways before checking out but hey…
The list is endless. The forwarding number would block him and he would be hanging in limbo with nowhere to direct his abuse! Problem solved!
Maybe getting his azz chewed would stop him from doing it to mom.
They are from a generation that was very male authority figure, so I assume that he is the elder male in her life. Tell her it is okay for her to stop being his doormat. She needs to hear that it is okay for her not to take his abuse. She deserves better and he deserves a swift kick in the teeth for treating her that way.
Give her lots of love and help her feel like she is important after he has obviously torn her down. Sheesh! What a POS he is.
I would call her phone provider and have his and his off springs phone numbers blocked.
Your mother seems to be one of those women. Very unfortunate. Nothing anyone can do. Your mother is doing what she wants and enjoys.
Otherwise, your mother is a grown woman and like Grandma said, if she is competent and not suffering from dementia, she can make her own decisions about how much abuse she's willing to take from her brother.
Good luck!
If I block the #'s she will call him anyway, she broke her promise to me and my family about not calling him