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Got any options? If there are problems they will only get worse.... I know, we lasted 3 yrs with my mom, then she had to move out. Thank the Lord, my husband and I had prayed together and drawn closer to each other during this time, presenting a united front when we had to. If she can live in an IL, AL or NH nearby, the stress on you two will be reduced a great deal.... Having someone needy, demanding, micromanaging, angry, or anything like these around 24/7 is too much for almost everyone!
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Infinity Dec 2018
Hi Mally. Was interested in the states you chose. IL, AL, NH? I live in UT and am overwhelmed in 24-7-365 caregiving for my mom. All care centers here (in my town) are wanting $5800/mo as she requires more care than AL can meet. Medicaid is denying her every month as she owns a home. They are requesting a 5 year look back on property and bank accounts etc. Even life insurance! They want me to cash it out! Then what to do when it gets time to properly bury her! It is absurd that the poor, (in our state meaning welfare recipients) get all the care they deserve; the rich can pay their own way so they get all the care they deserve; but the middle class do not! Just wondering if the states you mentioned are kinder to the middle class?
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Infinity, Its not states its IL (independent living), AL (assisted living), NH (nursing home).

Medicaid allows you to have a home, they don't allow you to keep it up. So if a family member can't pay to keep it up, it needs to be sold at Market Value. So their denile isn't based on having a house. Have you given them the info they require? Five years of bank statements, all info on stocks, bonds and insurance? You can liquidate everything and prepay her funeral out of the money. The rest goes to her care. Once you have spent down to 2k, Medicaid will take over. The NH will take her SS and pension and Medicaid will pay the rest.

If she has a house, sell it and use the money for an AL or NH.
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If you are doing it alone, you can't continue that way for long. Nothing angers me more than the notion that caregiving is women's work! If you have a helpful spouse/partner, that is good; if not PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and find some kind of help. (Sounds simplistic, but true: I've been there.)
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Kathy1234, how long has Mom-in-law been living with you? Why does she need caregiving help? Hopefully your hubby is pulling his fair share of helping out.

Usually what happens when a parent moves into a grown child's home, or you move in with that parent, is the the adult/child dynamic will start. The parent once again feels they are the adult in the household, and you and your husband are still the children. There isn't much you can do regarding this, it's just human nature.

And I bet your Mom-in-law sees you are competition for your hubby's attention. Correct? She wants her son all to herself.

Could Mom-in-law budget to live in Independent Living? My Dad had moved to such a place and he loved it there. It actually gave him more freedom as if he wanted to read all day, he could. And he loved the meals that were served in a restaurant styled dining room.

The cost was around $5k per month, which can vary depending on where you live. What was best, Dad was around people closer to his own generation :)

Or do you live close to an adult-day care center? It's a place to go to see movies, play cards, easy dance exercise, computer classes, and lunch. Some places charge a daily rate, other places could be paid by the County.
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Make your husband step up and if he doesn’t then hire someone and use his money. You can help in the areas where you are gifted- maybe laundry and cooking and cleaning. Leave the other stuff to someone with the gift of caregiving.
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You’re getting a lot of good advice from others, the only thing I wanted to add is that This is nobody’s specialty. There are a few angels on earth, but the majority of us simply have to face the fact and there is a major reality shift that has to occur in our minds when this occurs in your life. And you absolutely need support. Mental and emotional and physical. And maintaining a semblance of your own life. It is a balancing act. It can be done but you need to have these elements to help you do it.
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You need to agree, if she is on medicare you can get a 24/7 aid but then deal with aid in house, a very hard adjustment. Now stranger living in you house, privacy and company are key but seriously I did care for Two years myself, physical injury so couldn't do it. I gave up my bedroom, my privacy in my house. I have PTSD so this was very hard for me, still I know great aid for Mom but still lock bathroom door when showering. Not about her she is great with mom. But I home is not mine anymore. So you have to consider privacy issues because it is a compromise.
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Hi Infinity,
I read your post & wanted to share a helpful & hopeful comment. I live in Ohio & recently just got approval on a state funded program for LTC (Long Term Care) for my mother even though her retirement income is greater than the threshold. It is a bridged Medicare & Medicaid program. One of the requirements was to sign over her life insurance (Whole Life Policy that had built up a good size cash value)
or.... prepay her funeral expenses.
I chose to prepay her final expenses.
Also, getting back to the part where her income was higher than the threshold, we were simply able to pay the difference for each month that she needs services.
For the monthly payment, each month, I get 5 hours of daily home assistance-aide for her needs at home whether it be cleaning, showering her, cooking, laundry, pharmacy runs or grocery shopping for her food. I get meals delivered to her 5 days a week & frozen supplemental meals biweekly.
And of huge significance, I can get skilled nursing care for her in a nursing home so I can get a much needed & overdue surgery & recuperate.
Her final expenses are now met which allows me to go & preplan her funeral and give her a wonderful & dignified laid to rest service!
Although difficult, as I love my Mother with my whole heart, preplanning is easier now than when I’m overcome with sadness of her parting.
I emcourage you to reach out to your state’s agency on aging for assistance.
Hope this helps!
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Cherrysoda Dec 2018
What state as its NOTHING like that here.
Your marriage is the most importance thing you have. Perhaps the MIL will have to have different living arrangements.
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what kind of problems? When I was a child my maternal grandmother lived with us for nine months after her husband died. To his credit, my father never complained but I could see the strain it placed on their marriage. Are you sure it's worth the sacrifice??
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