Greetings - I'm a new poster to the forums; have read many of the threads in visitor mode, and have learned a lot from the wisdom of folks here. I don't have a lot of experience to contribute myself yet, but like many, I'm in a situation I didn't think I'd be in; and would appreciate insight and/or suggestions.
The synopsis: my mother's husband passed away earlier this month; the timing was not expected. She lives in her home in FL independently for now, but all of us (I have 4 sisters) are at least a 3-hour plane trip away.
When we first got word, I was fortunate to be able to 'scramble the fighters' and get on a plane quickly to help her out with funeral and burial arrangements, and initial phone calls to agencies, etc. (no advance planning done. no will either - ugh..), as well as be a support to talk and listen for a while; but we knew I wouldn't be able to stay long-term, having the job, house and husband back home. As the week went on and she got her bearings, I heard from another sister (I'll call her sis3) who indicated she'd be willing to come back to FL (she'd recently left for a job opportunity that would get her back on her feet), and stay as long as Mom needed her, so Mom wouldn't be alone. This was a huge relief to all of us; we all contribute with phone calls, another has POA, etc. but having someone with her was the biggest concern.
It's been a week, and sis3 has been helping Mom do an inventory of her husband's estate, as he had no will, and children from a previous marriage; so we know some form of probate is in order. It is a very stressful situation, as Mom doesn't understand why she can't just do what she wants with all of his things.
Spoke with the sister; she now feels she won't be able to stay with Mom longer term; lots of back issues that are not worth getting into, but I'd surmise that she made her original statement mostly on emotion on not wanting Mom to be alone, but not thinking through what it would truly mean for her life; and now that it's sinking in, it's not sustainable for her, careerwise or from a mental health perspective. Not judging that, as I hopped on a plane on reflex myself, so I get where that's coming from.
The tough part is, 'what now?' my sisters and I have never had a concrete discussion about this, although Mom has indicated that she'd want to be near family if she needed AL or a nursing home. She doesn't need that level of care (my MIL is in AL currently, and that has been an education!), but we're concerned about her being vulnerable as a single senior, and being able to maintain her home, as well as dealing with depression when the reality of being alone settles in.
I've called a meeting with my other sisters for this afternoon to discuss the situation, as I'm not sure how long sis3 can stay there; I think one of the reasons she's in a bad place about this is that she expected others to 'speak/step up', but they didn't... Sis2 took in Dad when it wasn't safe for him to stay where he was (he passed away a while ago), and has the closest relationship with Mom, as well as still living in the area we lived in, and Mom knows, before she moved out of state. I believe they may have spoken about this possibility, and she has a setup better than most of us regarding housing and family status (owns her home, not married nor has children); but she hasn't said anything so far, nor made any concrete offer to my knowledge. Of the remaining three of us, two of us live in the same state as Sis2; the other lives farther away with her husband and 2 kids, and with family dynamics, I wouldn't see Mom moving there to be a possibility.
I'd appreciate any and all advice/experience anyone has on how to help navigate this type of situation, particularly when we don't even know if Mom is ready to sell her home; this is all so new. If not, it may be that one of us may need to move to stay with her. How to do that when some of us aren't mobile? Help and thanks.
Adjusting to being a widow, losing a partner is one of the tasks of life.
All of you can be supportive. Via phone from your own homes.
In 3 months, start asking if Mother wants to change things, to move or not.
Many say to wait a full 12 months. Let the seasons go full circle. Take time. Then she can decide where & how to move, or to stay.
I admire all of you wanting to help. But don't rush in to take over her life. She will not thank you & many posters share their regrets of doing just that.
If your Mom has a faith, or circle of friends with other widows this can be a huge support. She will want to stay close to that for now too.
Be there to discuss change when she is ready to.
To fill in some information: she's 81, no dementia or cognitive issues that I can see, is still independent, drives, etc., but has noted that she's 'slowing down' (again, her words).
In terms of her being alone, I think many of you were right that the initial concern was a rallying response from us. And while she's still mentally sharp, my concern is that she may not always be attuned to potential scams (per one sister, she almost gave her medicare ID number away over the phone to a scammer, until my sister recognized and intervened before that could happen); and some of the elements from his family have us concerned that they may try to take advantage of her financially. The neighborhood she's in seems pretty safe, but she's noted that it's changing.
Based on what I'm hearing here, it sounds like the best thing for us to do is to let her know the offer to move still stands if and when she opts to do so; and other than that, we let her know that if she would like to have someone with her for a while to get re-settled, she should feel free to let us know that.
Guess I was concerned that she might feel that it's a burden to ask for that, and I ended up overthinking it all. In any event, I'm glad we had a chance to talk today, just in case there was any resentment or other issues folks had regarding the situation; I didn't want Mom to have to hear friction like that while we're there for the funeral services, and think that it wasn't OK for her to ask for help.
Thanks again for the perspective.
I appreciate that you and your sisters are trying to prepare, but it seems you've all left out the most important person in the discussions. I believe you ALL need to talk, let her know that you're willing to help, but ultimately, she gets to take the lead.
P.S. It seems like you're pushing this awfully quickly, too. She's just lost her husband -- unexpectedly -- so give her some breathing room.
I understand not all seniors can do what my MIL does. From what you wrote, your mother is of sound mind. Why are her daughters planning her life for her? Why is she not planning her own life? If I were your mother, I'd be insulted. Her husband died, that doesn't mean she's now incapable of living alone. This is her opportunity to chart her own course, do what she wants while she still can.
You all are treating her almost like an invalid. Is she?
Quit treating her like a baby. She's a grown a** woman for Pete's sake. Give her time to grieve. Be there by phone if she needs someone to talk to and let her live her life.
You may be very surprised just how well your mom adjusts to her new life. And you may also come to see that she actually likes it and is enjoying her new found freedom.
And the saying is that when you lose a loved one to death, that you shouldn't make any major decisions for about a year. So don't be pressuring mom about selling her home. She's of sound mind and she can make that decision if and when the times come. Just let her be, and let her figure out what her new life will look like.
And I'm not just blowing smoke here. I speak from experience. I lost my husband over a year and a half ago, and while it was hard at the beginning, I now am enjoying my life again, still living in our home, and doing what I want, if I want and when I want.
My dad passed when he and mom were in their mid-70s. I don't recall that any of us felt compelled to stay with mom. Most of the funeral planning had been done beforehand. I think my brother arranged for the catering for the after-burial buffet at my parents' home.
Is there a reason that you think mom can't be on her own? Does she have significant mental/health care issues?
It's good to look ahead, but for one thing there is no rush and for another this is all actually up to your mother. I understand the rallying round so that she wouldn't be alone at such a difficult time, but don't leave it too long to ask her what she wants and what she feels she needs, and then help her find it. A month after her loss is a good moment to pick for beginning to step back and let her find her feet again.
Why is her living alone such a bugbear for everyone? Is this something she's said she fears?
I think you are thinking too far ahead. It has been said not to make big decisions for a year after a spouse dies. Let your Mom morn her loss. Sometimes thats best by leaving her alone. You won't and she won't know what she is capable of if you crowd her. You are planning her life.
I would give her space and not change your lives till u have to. Actually, you shouldn't have to at all. If Mom does need help, she is the one who will need to except that her life will change and maybe for the better.
I had a vaguely similar situation. They were in Canada, I was POA in NY and my older brothers were upset that Mom and Dad wanted to to stay in the community that they'd retired to rather than an LTC closer to my brothers (3 hours away) so the bros didn't visit for the last 18 months of my dad's life.
If your mom has her faculties she should be capable of understanding that any of you ladies uprooting yourselves is not a long term option. It's unfortunate but changes will have to be made. Give us more details once you ladies have chatted and perhaps you get some words of wisdom. Remember this period of time is a marathon not a sprint so pace yourself. Wishing you the best.