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I just moved to Florida to be closer to my parents mother 79, father 76. My parents do not speak English very well and my brother who was my only sibling and lived close to my parents just passed away so, I am the only family member left to assist them with everything.
My mother is mentally ill with OCD, agoraphobia and dementia and my father is a compulsive liar and constantly asks women out on dates and is always being taken advantage of because women know he is vulnerable. Last month he met a women at the local breakfast restaurant went out on a few dates with her and gave her 2k to help her with her bills! He is very inappropriate and I believe he has a sexual addiction problem. My parents are not rich people with a big bank account, they live on a very modest SS income and have very little savings in the bank. Yesterday I found penis enhancement pills in his car. My mother does not know any of this and probably wouldn't really understand. I am afraid that my father will be taken advantage of again and again and next time he will find another manipulating women that will make him sign over his home to them. This stuff does happened here in Florida and I'm sure many other states, women prey on old vulnerable men all the time. Should I confront my father? I am worried that they will end up homeless if he continues this behavior. Do I even have the right to be upset?

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I cannot imagine what confrontation would accomplish. I think it likely that your father has always had a bit of a sex addiction and it was hidden from family and likely from wife as well. Could be wrong, but think it sort of 50-50 that I am right. The difference now is that your Dad might be sinking into some dementia also, given he is now giving away what little money they have. This is one the one hand very concerning. On the other hand it will not make a whole lot of difference in their lives moving forward, as already they have not a lot for you to help them enter into assisted living. As to a right to be upset, sure, you have one, and you likely ARE upset. But as I said, nothing changes it, and I think nothing WILL change it. The money problem is the worst of it.
Moving forward now you are going to have, being the only one left, some hard choices, and I would begin NOW to explore what YOUR plans and options are. Your Mom will need more care than your Dad can give, and your Dad may be descending into his own bad times. I need to tell you that taking on the moving and care of both of them would be likely the end of any good life for you and your family. As there is no money, there are few options. But the "system" will be trying to get them into your home. Go NOW to a counselor, hopefully a licensed Social Worker who deals with counseling people on life changes, and try to come up with what your OWN future might be. Stay on the forum and read read read read because you need now to see the stories of people doing caregiving 24/7. Look into options for them. Do they have a home the sale of which would give them funds for assisted living. Such questions as this.
I will tell you right now that your Dad and the whole sex thing is the very least of your problems right now.
Wishing you the best. Hope you will keep us updated on plans.
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anonymous950028 Aug 31, 2019
Thank you very much for your helpful responds.
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Your mother sounds like she needs 24/7 care and if your father is out picking up women, he is not providing that care for her. I agree that your father has probably always had these issues with sex but dementia seems to bring them to the forefront. Your confronting Dad will most likely not have much effect. If he is competent, he will become angry and tell you to leave him alone. If he is not competent, he will not understand what you are trying to tell him.

Adult Protective Services offers more services than just investigating abuse and neglect. On Tuesday, I would give their agency in your town a call and tell them what you’ve told us. Ask for a caseworker to be assigned to your parents and you. They can evaluate your parents’ situation and make suggestions.
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I think you have the right to be upset.

Your dad sounds as if he's mobile, that is he gets around and has breakfast out on occasion? I don't see how you can keep tabs on him every minute he's away from home but you might be able to cut him off at the source--the money. There is a way you can get control of their finances and not because you want "control" per se but to protect your dad and your parents income from opportunistic women who prey on older men.

Hopefully someone will come along here and have a more specific suggestion for you. I'm not sure if taking control over the finances is something you will need an attorney for or something you and your parents can work out together. But if you can figure this out you can put your dad on an allowance. Give him enough money to keep in his pocket but nothing more. With your mom's dementia and your dad's spending you should have a hand in their finances so you can protect them.
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anonymous950028 Aug 31, 2019
Thank you very much!
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It's going to be impossible to control his money unless you have durable POA for him which I hope you already have. I hope you have it for your mom as well plus medical POA for each of them. I would have a talk with your dad for this may be evidence that he is not competent to handle his money in which case you could go for guardianship and thus protect him. I don't know what your mother's competency level is, but you may have to go for guardianship for her as well. I wish you the best.
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anonymous950028 Aug 31, 2019
Thank you very much for responding!
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Of course you are upset. You can't change your Dad's behavior or change your Mom's health, but you can preserve your parents' ss assets.

Gather the social security card/number for each parent and the name & address of their primary care physician.

Make an appointment at the local Social Security office & apply to be representative payee for each parent's ss account. You don't have to be POA or guardian to do this. The office will mail the physician a form to complete & return to them. They will give you a form for each parent to sign. They only have to make a mark on the line & it doesn't have to be notarized. The office will give you detailed instructions on how to setup a representative payee acct for each parent.

When all forms are back at the SS office they will enter the bank info into the system. Once a year you will receive a short form to complete outlining how the SS money was spent or saved.

Don't EVER mix their SS money with any other funds of yours or theirs! Pay all their expenses out of the rep payee acct.

You may want to let the physician know what is happening & that the forms are coming from ss office. They probably deal with this all the time.

If dad has a debit card you may want to shred it, tell the bank it is lost, get a new card & keep it out of dad's hands. Give him enough allowance to buy meals & gas. If he has no money predators will lose interest.

Best wishes & hugs for a positive outcome. There are lots of resources out there & so many people on this forum with practical experience to share.
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Sometimes one feels in these cases the only solution is to lock the person up. Your mother needs care which your father is neglecting, and he needs psychiatric treatment. Can you get each of them a full assessment of needs - and go from there on advice for keeping them safe from financial grabbing problems - very best of luck in finding a positive way forward.
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