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How do I get past this accusation? I am so upset and angry and yes I know this isn't the real her speaking...She also found out two days ago she has a very bad UTI...which makes her dementia worse.

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I understand how upsetting this is but... People with dementia can say equally bad or worst things. I recall one caregiver being compared to Hitler. Try to put it in perspective. Maybe she doesn't realize that guy is your father. Have you ever had a young child scream "I hate you!!!!!" My female relative used to flirt with the male caregiver while he was changing her diaper. He and I took it in stride. He was very attractive but he was also black and she used to be a low level racist. Dementia in, racism out--a positive change. I had a female relative grab my breast--hard. So I was just sexually assaulted right? Wrong. They are not responsible. I just know to block my breasts, move their hand away, and say no every time they tried.
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Reply to Toadhall
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My mother has seen her doctor and this why we found she has a UTI!
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No doubt the UTI is the problem. She needs to see her doctor.
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My friend and her Father went to visit her Mother daily in the Nursing Home. The Mother accused them of having an affair. Of course, they were horrified. Eventually, they figured it out. The Mother thought the daughter was actually the Mother’s sister, who she had been jealous of her entire life. So she thought her Sister was trying to steal her Husband - and they even had the nerve to travel together to come visit her!

Thats how a mind mind works with dementia. So she may think you are someone else entirely. The good (and bad) news is that the dementia will progress and this will be forgotten. Stay strong!
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anonymous885760 Feb 28, 2019
Thank you so much and we are trying to stay strong!
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Here's a chance to make lemonade out of the lemon you have been handed - your mom thinks your looks are good enough that if she was in her right mind she would be a bit jealous of you were you not her daughter - try to see if you can take it as a compliment not an accusation as it will make your life easier

A few weeks before she died my mom grabbed my right hand & gummed it [her dentures were out] - so I could have taken that several ways - was she trying to bite me? was she unaware of me at all? was she trying to kiss my hand to say 'thank you' for all I have done for her? .... I took the last one & that made it easier to deal with so that was my lemonade
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Toadhall Mar 17, 2019
I think you may be really tasty!! I appreciate your good attitude.
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I was very fortunate in that this particular “out of her head” statement only happened once. But I still well remember the shock and pain. Dad too has been “out of his head” and during one of those times was shockingly ugly (actually had to be restrained and given haldol). For a long time I tortured myself by wondering if some part of them actually believed the things they were saying. Over time I learned that messages can become terribly mixed up in the head and it may actually be an expression of anxiety or fear coming out with completely wrong words; no intent behind the words actually spoken at all. I found this comforting, as was a bit of therapy. I hope the pain you are naturally feeling will become manageable for you. I wish you strength and comfort for the road ahead.
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Reply to MelissaPA2AZ
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My mom has mild dementia and a year and a half ago had a UTI and fell in the bathroom. I called EMS and she went to the hospital. She told the doctor that we were arguing and I pushed her and she fell. I was horrified that she would say that! That's elder abuse. Nothing came of it though, thank goodness. When her mind cleared she realized that what she said was wrong.
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Toadhall Mar 17, 2019
I'm so glad they didn't haul you off to jail. Seriously, I keep a lawyer's number in my phone and memorized, so as to be prepared for elder accusations.
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It sounds indeed like the UTI is the problem. The things that come out of the mouth can astound, shock and infuriate. I hope she is better soon, perhaps within hours. Sometimes it's a matter of overnight rest and the meds to fix the UTI.

My mom developed a UTI several times in her 3 years in a SNF, and the worst time came at the first hospitalization for it. When I stepped off the elevator, I heard my gentle darling mother's voice screaming, "Why aren't you helping my mother?" She repeated this when I stepped in and the nurse retreated. Mom's mother died swiftly of a stroke while visiting Mom's home twenty-seven years earlier. She no longer knew that her mother was DOA and the fury turned on me as I soothed with lies: "I've called the police, she's going to a hospital," etc.

There was hatred on her face and in her eyes. "I'LL help her since you won't," she said and strained to get out of bed.

The lies failed, the screaming increased until I finally said, "Mom, your mother is dead." That broke through and then she cried. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever done is to tell her that "news." I spent the night with her and next morning she was lucid. She described how she felt the night before; she told me that I "looked purple", that she knew it was me, and she didn't remember about her mom but did now. We agreed it had been a disturbing experience.
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How long does this stage last? I easily could have written this post as my mother has accused me of this same thing for the past few years. I am disabled myself and I could take them shopping and to Dr appointments, but mom tried to kill me and has cut me out of the family. Does it ever improve or will I have to bury my parents without ever speaking to them again?
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surprise Feb 27, 2019
Yes, they get to a stage where they remember who you are kinda. Then they are just glad to see you. I believe it was about stage 6a for mthr and it was helped when she went on anti depressants and benzos for anxiety.
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For years before we realized that my MIL had dementia, she accused my FIL of having sex with everyone.. the girl at 7-11, my SILs aunt, then my SIL and then Me. When it got to me my hubs blew up.. she would call him to follow FIL around to the car wash, 7-11.. you name it. He refused,, and she laid off for awhile, until the next delusion began. This is not uncommon.. and hopefully the UTI will be the cause.
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Martha007 Feb 26, 2019
You learn as you go every day with the person's behavior. At first when my husband would say " are you talking to your lover. When I am on phone, does not matter who it is. It could be his relatives
o r my relatives. When go out to grocery store, I am going to see my lover. Then, I realized, is not them, is the desease making them behave that way. since he was diagnosed with Dementia 3 yrs ago. He has become very mistrusting. He is 91 yrs old. But its unreal the things what the say, and do. Nobody trained us what we are going to face every day. Every day and night is up-the hill battle.
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Thank you and I am sorry to hear about your grandfather! I will keep your advice close and use it! Thank you again.
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I can tell you that while my mother was suffering from dementia, she made comments and confessions that still upset me to this day. I never knew what was part of one of her delusions and/or hallucinations and what had a basis in fact. I learned from an off-handed remark she made that after believing for 50 years my grandfather passed from a heart attack that in truth he’d committed suicide. There were so many other things she said that I wonder about to this day.

You don’t really “get past” it. You just put those feelings in a box on a shelf and forget about them for a while. You don’t deny and you don’t argue. You consider the source and the disease. You don’t dwell on it. If you do, you go get help.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Thank you for your comment...Yes we are hoping for the UTI to be problem and was told it is...we will see! Have a wonderful day!
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Reply to anonymous885760
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That would be difficult to do. Maybe, she will get better when she's treated for the UTI. I'm not sure how I would handle those kinds of delusions in my LO. I don't think that I would be able to provide hands on care for them in the home. There are just some things, I don't think I could handle. Changing depends would be one and the kind of accusation you describe is another. With that kind of thing, I'd likely make other arrangements for my LO's care. I hope you'll get some more responses with suggestions.
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