I am 81 & my daughter is my caregiver here in my home. We are having problems & I have to talk to someone. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

I am 81 & my daughter is my caregiver here in my home. We are having problems & I have to talk to someone. Any advice?

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I am getting to be more of a burden & want to have someone to come in & help me. And, find out more about an assisted living & nursing facility. I have no one to talk to or get out. I have health problems but I am able to get around with help.

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Hi KeyLime, It's great that you recognize that your needs are increasing. Are you uncomfortable discussing this with your daughter? If so, why? If you don't currently require skilled nursing care, assisted living would be a place to start. Since you found this forum, you clearly have some computer skills.
Try a search for assisted living facilities and add your zip code. That should produce a list of places in your geographical area. Make a list of your questions and call each of them - keep notes or they will get mixed up in your memory.
Assisted living can provide the help you need AND give you social interaction with others. I think it is a win/win.
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Reply to geewiz
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In the mean time come here and let off steam. Keep your chin up.

Hugs
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Reply to BuzzyBee
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When you say “problems”, what do you mean? Do you feel you are being abused emotionally, mentally or physically? If so, and you have access to a phone, call the police. If it’s a matter of not caring for you properly, you obviously have access to the internet so look up your local Agency on Aging. They can help you find someplace to go. Or, you can call Adult Protective Services for help.

If it is a matter of just not being “on the same page” as your daughter, sit down and have an earnest talk with her. Listen to her feelings and opinions and then share your’s. Be kind and respectful since she has been your caregiver, but be firm in what you want. If you belong to a church you attend, speak with your pastor.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Dear key lime....this is how my mom and I solved this problem..of her living with me making us both miserable. I got her on a waiting list for a senior living apartment...after 3 months she got her apartment...it is based in her income..it's set up through out the building for easy mobility...there's a lounge for seniors to visit...an outdoor area(a covered patio) ...I called the local grocery store and pharmacy..they deliver..For Free....got her hooked up with 2 sr transport phone numbers....and recently found someone to come in x1 a week for 2 hours to clean. This allowed me to destress enough that I do some big Walmart runs for her once every other month..and take her to her dr appointments. She fought me at first..still wanting me to do it ALL...u had to be firm...and it was hard..I felt guilty..which I think was her goal...counseling helped me realize I had in fact not deserted her...anyway mom sees others in the building use the services u asked her to use...so now all is fine...she's happy..has friends..and I have my sanity ..lol...and don't resent doing ocassional things for. I hope this helps u! Maybe you qualify for help for a personal care aide etc....see what's available to you...also I set up moms cable, phone...etc to come out of her bank act...I balance her checking act...online banking. Only ck she has to write is her rent...groceries..her hair apt...I hope some of this helps ....big hugs ...this was a rough journey! But thank God...and I sure do...there's a solution
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Reply to SheriJean
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Are you by chance helping to support your daughter in exchange for her being your caregiver ?
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Reply to MsMadge
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Calling the Area Agency on Aging is a great suggestion. Also a Geriatric Care Manager would be helpful. Many times they are social workers and able to help you and your daughter understand your needs.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Two things worry me.

1. The OP says she and her daughter are "having problems." She then explains that this is because her increasing care needs mean that she is becoming a burden to her daughter. I hope "having problems" is not too much of a euphemism.

2. We have not heard back from KEYLIME.

Is AgingCare a mandated reporter, does anyone know?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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KEYLIME, speak to your daughter. You might be surprised that both you and her are on the same page. It could be that your daughter doesn't know how to breach the subject regarding moving to Assisted Living. If it would feel more comfortable, if there is another relative who is on your side, have that person come to be with you when you talk to your daughter.

Are you able to budget for Assisted Living? Depending on the area where you live, the price can vary. The average is around $5k to $7k per month.

There are some wonderful places that are built like a hotel, with 3 meals included in the cost in dining areas that resemble a restaurant and you order off a menu. There is weekly linen/towel service, and weekly housekeeping as part of the cost. And the best part, you will be around people from your own generation :)

I don't think you are ready for a nursing home. Doubt you would even be accepted at this point in time. Plus nursing homes are very expensive, where I live around $12k per month unless you can qualify for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare].
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Reply to freqflyer
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A question is not an accusation.

An 81 year old feels she is heading for trouble and asks for advice. She then vanishes. Oh well never mind eh? If I knew who she was, I would ask her if she was okay. That's all.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Dear KeyLime,

Would you mind sharing what exactly your increasing needs are?

Do you suffer from any particular illnesses?

What’s your financial situation in general, meaning can you afford an Assisted Living Facility? Do you have Medicare or Medicaid?

Understanding better your situation can guide us to provide better advice.

Finally, a person that realizes their own situation and looks for a solution is NOT a burden. You’re very assertive and resourceful (looked for help online and found this site), a solution will come soon, I’m sure.
And if you can, find a way to talk to your daughter; she’s probably as conscious as you’re of the situation getting out of both of your hands, but may not know what to do; she’s probably dealing with guilt and frustration. Talk to her when you see she’s more approachable and share with her your wishes, make sure to tell her she doesn’t have to feel guilty about you wanting to source your care somewhere else, because this is your decision made by yourself and for yourself ( I know you probably are doing it for her too).

Truly hope you’re doing ok, and I’ll say an special prayer for you today!
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Reply to Rosses003
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