My daughter is having an out of state wedding. Grandmother needs 24/7 care, is incontinent and in AL Memory Care. What do I do?

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My daughter is newly engaged and will marry out of state 4 1/2 hours from me possibly in 2 mos (August) if she can pull plans together. My husband died May 11th suddenly without warning and my mother is in an ALMC unit in my community. Mom is feeble and physically unable to walk easily, incontinent and needs 24/7 assistance to dress, bathe, give meds etc. Her mind is still intact and will know and be hurt if she isn't included. What do I do? It will be hard without my husband as it is and I cannot handle it right now. I don't want to pin this on anyone involved in the wedding but a 24/7 caregiver I don't know would need to be compensated well for at least 4-5 days. Thoughts?

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It is sad for Mom not to be included, but it would be sadder for her life to be disrupted and her confusion increased and other people not sure how to help, etc. She needs to stay were she is well-cared for and safe, in my opinion.

I watched on my computer my granddaughter get married several states away. Could your daughter arrange something like that? And could you arrange for someone in her facility to access the video feed and sit with Gram? Maybe you could provide her a Grandmother corsage and even arrange a cake to be delivered. Try to make her feel included, but avoid the trauma of a trip.

I remember the first wedding I attended after my husband died (a neighbor girl) and the first grandchild's wedding without him. This can be a bittersweet event. You will have enough emotional turmoil on your own. Don't add something else to the mix.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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I guess im a little confused. your mom is in assisted living or memory care. or its a combination of both? doesn't the assisted living or memory care handle most of ALL her care? Are you having to go the facility 24/7 and care for your mother? ?

oh I think I understand, you would need someone at the wedding to help care for her.

I agree with the others that probably wouldn't be a good idea. she is best to stay in her facility.

your mom may be hurt she can not attend, but you are putting too much pressure on yourself. and it is stressing you out. go enjoy yourself at the wedding. take lots of pics. and like someone said maybe take a video. share all the memories when you return.
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Reply to wally003
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Right now you need to be taking care of you!

Mom has care, let them care for her. Do what you WANT for your daughter, but really, right now, you have enough on your plate, grieving for your DH, and trying to figure out a life w/o him. I'm so sorry for your loss!

Jeanne's idea to have the wedding "broadcast" to mother's computer is great--

Trying to navigate getting mom to the wedding will be emotionally/physically exhausting for you and her. Neither one of you will enjoy the day.

My mother is also at a stage where she says she 'wants' to go to events, go to luncheons, be with family...but she's just talking. She really doesn't have the capability anymore.

Put yourself first, yes, even over your daughter. Treat yourself kindly and take it slow. If mother is unhappy, well, she will have to deal with that. This isn't about her. And, sadly if she has memory issues, you could take her and in a couple of days she wouldn't have a memory of the event, but sadly, you'd remember every awful detail.

{{Hugs}}
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Reply to Midkid58
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Include your mother by bringing the wedding to her, whether as suggested via some kind of tv link (I have no idea how to do this), by Skyping, or by videoing the entire proceeding. Share the video with her, with a celebration of your own - a mini size replication of the wedding meal while watching the video. Follow up with a phone call with your mother to your daughter and her new husband.

Trying to take someone with your mother's challenges 4.5 hours by transit would be cruel, uncomfortable and disruptive.

You might also discuss with your daughter a special visit with her fiancé to meet your mother, either before or after the wedding, and again, have a little celebration then and there, so she feels included.

You're very thoughtful to be concerned about her ability to participate, but it would be easier, and safer, for your daughter to make a visit and create a celebration in your mother's facility than to bring your mother to the celebration.
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Reply to GardenArtist
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Thank you all for your advice.

My daughter was engaged last Tuesday night after her fiancé asked my and her brothers’ permission on Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning. They were called from the beach. I was there with them on vacation with his family, invited after my husband passed. It was a special time of which my hubby would have so been in favor of and happy for his thoughtfulness in planning. They are ready to be married in the old fashioned sense of the word and as we are not used to long engagements in our family. I am excited for them to start their lives together whenever they want. Much has already been planned, my invitation list given and we have an appointment for dress shopping after the 4th. Much to be thankful for and her dad would be encouraging this also.

I just didn’t want to exclude my mom from this but I know it would be more demanding than I could handle right now. I just want to live in the moment of celebration with my daughter and the rest of my family without worrying over mom’s illness.

Thanks for the encouraging words! We are indeed looking forward to it. Hubby will be worshipping in heaven as they covenant with the Lord before the witnesses there. Her brothers most likely will perform the ceremony as they are both pastors. It will be bittersweet but I will be blessed. Thank you, K
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Reply to ksordh
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K, you say that your mom "still has her mind" but your profile says that she has dementia, yes?

Dementia patients do well with consistent routines. Traveling with your mother several states away for a big noisy event is a recipe for disaster.

Arrange with the ALMC to set up a computer link to the wedding. You're asking much too much of yourself to be able to manage this in any event. The recent loss of your husband makes the whole idea untenable.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I am sorry about the recent and sudden loss of your husband. That is enough stress for you to deal with right now. I agree with JeanneGibbs. Keep mom where she is and try to bring the wedding to her (even after the fact). It would be too unsettling for both you and mom to try to bring her to an event that far away in her condition. Go and enjoy yourself.
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Reply to blannie
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Why not skype it to her and have a mini celebration at her end at the same time. If you include others from her facility then it could be 'sort of' part of the wedding celebration.

Have a lovely day there.
Congratulations all round.
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Reply to BuzzyBee
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ksordh, check with the local Assisted Living facilities in your area to see if they do "respite care". Respite Care is when a person needs around the clock care and no one will be home to help due to traveling, work, or just plain exhaustion. There will be a cost, but at least you know Mom will be well cared for.... in fact, she might even like the place :)

My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family for passing of your husband.  You need time to grieve, and find a new normal for your life.

If this was my wedding, I probably would have postponed it until later in the fall, and planned to have redirected the wedding to be much closer to home as so to make it easier for you and also to have her Grandmother possibly attend the wedding, or to meet up with Grandmother afterwards.

It is your daughter's wedding so everyone needs to respect what she wishes to do, even if it means you and/or your Mom cannot attend.
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Reply to freqflyer
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So sorry for your recent loss. I am surprised your daughter is rushing this wedding. I think you should attend. I also think you should enjoy yourself. Its your daughter's wedding. No, you shouldn't take Mom. Your attention should be for your daughter not worrying about Mom. Either live stream the wedding or have it taped. My church used to tape the service. Sunday I would get Mom showered and dressed. Set up my laptop on a table in front of her and played the online video. Mom thought she was in church. Real church was overwhelming for her. She would just sit there. She would join in with the video. She had come to the point that TV and dreams became part of her reality. She couldn't tell the difference.

You really don't want to take Mom. For no other reason than her incontinence. If you were in town you could take her to the wedding and then back to the facility. But 4.5 hours away. And the expense of having someone watch her? Added pressure you don't need. You can explain to Mom that its too far away to take her or, not tell her at all since it may just be a small wedding. My Mom was pretty far into Dementia to take to my nieces wedding. It was 8 hrs away.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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