Identity crisis; My dad thinks I am my mom.

This must be so upsetting for you. Unfortunately, you HAVE to distance yourself. No lotion, no massages and no hand-holding. No “touchy-feely”. He will misinterpret it. I’m not sure that reminding him you are his daughter will work. He won’t understand. My mom, in her delusions, was a famous New York stage actress and I was her co-star. We once had a half-hour conversation about how she didn’t understand why “they” hadn’t called her for acting roles in a long time. But, you can’t do that.

I wonder if seeing a therapist would help you deal with this. Please consider it. Talking it over with a professional may give you the tools you need.

This might be a reach, but..... Do you look a lot like your mom? I was thinking maybe a new hairstyle or changing the color of your hair might help? I know this is simplistic, but since no one really knows what triggers the delusions a different look might help.....

A person with dementia mistaking a caretaker of loved one as their spouse is very normal.The lady I care for introduces her son to me every day as her husband.She calls me by her daughter's name even though her daughter is 40 years older than me .I share the same name as my patient but she doesn't know who I am .Not once has she called me buy name. Remember your dad's reality is altered by dementia.The intimacy thing would make any of us cringe but I think if you step away and change the scenery a bit his brain will switch gears and make things more comfortable for you again.We constantly have to do this..My patient goes from almost catatonic to manic in a matter of minutes.I have left the room(only when I know she is safe) and put on my glasses and came back in and she will talk to me like I'm a different person and sometimes complain about me to me.lol .
It's hard. And it will likely get harder along his journey.Just breathe.You got this and your doing a great job.You need to remember though to take care of YOU too. Try to get a friend to be there with him a few hours and take some much needed downtime.If you burn out you are no good to either of you. Hang in there!

Longhaul,
I am so very sorry that this is happening. You seem to understand it is the disease talking but that does not make it any easier.

I know dementia victims are without reasoning and understanding, however, I think I would explain who you are when the subject comes up. "Hey Dad, I'm _____." Maybe that might jog him back to reality.

I also agree that you must step back if he makes advances. It IS heartbreaking.

My mother (in late stage 5 Alzheimer's) accused me of wanting to do incestual acts while I would be helping her take a shower. Nothing was further from the truth. It made me nauseated and I ran from her apartment crying.

Darn disease, it turns our loved ones into creatures from another dimension.

May God relieve your stress and change your situation for the better, as you care for your Dad. 🙏🏼

When his delusions with me/my mom began (close to 4 months now) Every chance I got, I tried to “shake him back to reality” that’s when he began the “ the other you” routine... like he was “giving me what I wanted to hear” but in his broken brain, I was still my mom. Once I emersed myself in The 36 Hour Day and some Teepa Snow, only then did I realize what I thought was going to be effective (reality orientation) was not. I still attempt to rattle his cage and see if he will join me in this reality, but for the most part I realize it will only add to my frustration and pain.

I too would back off if it was my Dad. I also would understand its the Dementia but it would make me very uncomfortable.

similar experiences here. So heartbreaking on one hand, yet on the other it is a testimony as to how much my parents loved each other for over 64 years.
I had to reduce my visits too. But it really helped when my adult daughter would go with. He always knew who she was. Daughter would strongly address me as Mom and him as Grandpa.

Before my mother was transferred to a nursing home she lived with us for 6 months. She had/has dementia, and is generally confused.
After she was at my home for awhile, I was the one who administered her personal care due to being one of her only two children (both sons). Mom began to identify me as my deceased father, and my wife as some girlfriend I had living with us. This drove my wife, who is confined to a wheelchair due to MS, up a tree, and put a lot of stress on me.
Mom never said or did anything of a sexual nature with me, but the stress of dealing with her mis-identification and my wife's reaction to it created a very stressful situation. One time it became too much, and I almost lost it with Mom.
Eventually, during that time at my home, Mom adjusted, and since she has been in the nursing home the mis-identification has occurred only a very few times over a two year period.
I always greet her with "Hi Mom, it's Steve, your son", and leave her with "Goodbye Mom, I'll see you again soon."
My wife goes with me to visit her from time to time and I am happy to report Mom always remembers her name and the visits are very pleasant for all.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Hi Longhaul. Your reaction is perfectly normal but please remember it is the illness and not Your Dad as Your Da's Brain is sick. This is the severness of the illness sometimes referred to as "the silent thief" which robs the Sufferer of their memory, reality, balance, speech, and towards the end organ failure. Finally Longhaul I took a peep at Your Profile and I do so admire You as You packed up Your Job and came 300 miles from out of State to Care for Dad leaving Family behind. Take a bow Girl because You are a wonderful Person.

I read some of the other responses and I must say, if nothing else, it was therapeutic. Like a support group. Thanks to you all. My response isn’t going to help a lot, but one thing I do at the beginning of every conversation is to say “Hi Dad”. It helps to get him anchored in the moment.

It is embarrassing to hear the love life stories as though we are equals, but at least my situation doesn’t involve physical advances. VK