My dad who has dementia packed his bag to come home from from the center today. How do I help my Mom deal with guilt and grief?

Thank you so much for everything you said. It was so needed.

Thanks for this. You are right. We need all the information we can get at this time.

Perfectly said. Sure enough, today he didn’t remember so much of what happened yesterday. Thank you.

Thank you. He has only been there a few months and this agitation is a new thing. The packing is a first. I know the nurse was doing her job by keeping her/us updated and I shouldn’t have been bothered by details that bothered Mom. Thanks.

That's so funny when it's not sad.

I don’t agree with the view the nurse was unprofessional to inform her of that- a lot of folks want to know where there loved ones at- figuratively not literally speaking- whether it’s pleasant to the ear shouldn’t be a litmus test. It’s out of love and concern that folks want to and have a right to know where their loved one is at emotionally and physically.

I am in a similar situation, but way different . I am an only child. Judge appointed me as guardian over my dad. My mom and I was told to work together. The day after court she drops me to do it all. She begins withdrawing huge sums of money from accounts and empties/closes deposit box. Won’t give me his ID cards, insurance cards, nothing. I had to go back to judge and he told me to secure everything. I had to get a different account to put dads monies in to pay for his facility. I personally have to come up with extra almost $2000 a month to pay for his care. Mom never once asked about dad nor his state, nothing. A few days shy of a month she asks about him after the fact that I went before the judge the 2nd time. She is now offering items, monies, etc. Dad ,over the summer, was coming over every morning calling my sweetheart, talking, going places with me , etc . Now that he’s in a facility and no one else is helping, he stated the first time I saw him, if you don’t get me out of here tonight I will hate you forever and picked up items to throw at me but just threw them on the floor. I was crushed and cried all the way out of the hospital. The second time was through FaceTime, he told me he hated me and I wasn’t their child. He stated I put him in there, Staff says I know. I cried and cried while my husband held me, he ended the facetime call. Staff tells me he won’t remember the next day BUT these two instances were about a week or week and a half apart from each other. I am afraid to ask to see him again due to aggravating him more or causing him to act out on the staff. He’s already shown violent outburst. All this is new to all of us, the facility just went under staff change, they don’t call me to keep me updated, every time I do call it seems he’s being led to his locked room or in it. There is no tv in his room only in community area. I did not like the way he looked the last virtual visit.
Mom refuses my help to help her especially her health but she tells everyone I took all their monies and now she has nothing. I’ve asked her many times what does she need or can I help with anything. I haven’t touched her monies. She moved out of the house staying with family. They are leading her astray and bad advice. While dad was at home I had to stay down there for almost a week day and night to be referee/ go in between. Dad couldn’t get sleep cause mom would do vacuuming, empty garbage cans , laundry at 3am. Mom would push her body against dads then say he’s hitting me he’s hitting me. She had the hallway behind her. I said mom just back up, she would not. I then put my arm around dad and I told him, let’s make peace. Let’s go into the living room and sit down. He did... Dad has placed his personal item / items down in a certain spot. When dad walked to another room, Mom has taken those items and hid them or threw them away. Dad says where did you put my stuff or he’d say did you get my stuff that was here. She’d say I never touched your stuff. I found out through her she had used a spoon or salad tongs etc to move items. She is now playing the fence between me and family/ community. She is the proud mom on how good I’m doing (towards me) TO she’s the victim wife and I’m horrible person who is taking everything away from her and I won’t let her see her husband (to the rest of the world). I have been looking into another facility that will take his insurance and the veterans affairs might help pay for..... The veterans affairs placed him beginning Dec didn’t stay 24 hrs had to send to hospital. Only been back close to two weeks. Any advice, tips, contacts would be greatly appreciated.