My Dad was hospitalized 3 weeks ago aspiration pneumonia. He was barely conscious, saying only a few words like help me and mom. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My Dad was hospitalized 3 weeks ago aspiration pneumonia. He was barely conscious, saying only a few words like help me and mom. Any advice?

Follow
Share

Dr. said he meets qualifications of hospice. His wife choose Palliative care. She seems to deny his condition and is constantly nagging about doing your exercises. He had a stroke a yr ago and again in Jan 2018. He was in skilled care for 6 weeks. He hasn’t walked in a year, has a broken leg from Jan they couldn’t fix and his decline this time is severe. 2 days after he for home, almost 2 weeks ago he is so weak. He has ask voice but he recognizes everyone and is happy to see us. The wife is POA and refuses to allow us to talk with his Dr or care team. She said PT came to the home today and his hips are sore and he has a shoulder with a lot of arthritis so through can it cortisone shot in there before he left hospital. She says he won’t get better if he doesn’t try. Well he is all bones, can’t turn over himself, has catheter, permanent one, and he hasn’t gone to a bathroom in months. He eats very little and mostly cuz she demand that he does. I just want him to have peace and to stop hearing how lazy he has always been. He was scared the days he was in hospital but that seems gone, he just more calm and just trying be as ok as he can. He has CHF and stroke history. I believe he has one from the 2 pics sent in last 2 days now left eye drooping and almost shut. Any advice? She hasn’t answered phone in 5 days and didn’t let me and kids see him this weekend /Memorial Day, I admire her care in some ways? She’s there day to day but why can’t we even talk to Dr? My Dad wouldn’t want that.

22

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
Oh she had no children. Has 1 stepbgranchild that she does lots for and talks only of him. He lives states away so never met him. He has siblings but she never talks about them
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tom1941
Report

She doesn’t seem to have any friends around . I’ve never seen any this whole time
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tom1941
Report

Oh I have no idea about my Dads assets only that his are limited and all goes to her when he dies. The executor of his will is someone we really don’t know much. He’s my fathers step brother, his dad died young and his mom remarried a wonderful man in her early 60s - he was only grandpa I knew on that side and such a great man. He had 3 kids but they lived pretty far away and we never knew them well and it was her idea to make sure it was none of the kids - so it’s a step brother he really doesn’t know well who was confused about why he’d b asked but agreed to it. I have never asked about any kind of estate. I don’t want money, I want him to die in peace. She knows what she’s doing though money wise... she is pretty savvy that way
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tom1941
Report

They are definitely under paid but also are not CNAs and do some caregiving but are really not familiar with my Dads condition. Ok now I’m going to sound super nuts but when I was there 6 days ago 1 of the “caregivers “ was there, she is very overweight & I’m not being mean but she’s huge. Anyway they proudly told me this woman let’s call her Ann - that Ann found a way to use the gate belt and just wrangle him out of bed so he could sit in chair for us to see him. His hands were like ice, his head droopy, like having hard time holding his head up so I put his electric recliner back a bit more and got a pillow so he could rest his head to the side at least. He whispered ‘thanks, I love ‘ like he didn’t want her to hear. We were leaving and this huge woman who I really doubt gets her arms around her own middle (again I’m not trying to b mean, it’s just true) sorta hoisted him up and on to wheelchair. I couldn’t hold it, I started to cry and said please let me help u put him in bed. “No. What do u think when you’re not here?he can bear some weight on legs” no he can’t. I called my sister and she thinks I’m obsessed and that they r doing the best they can. After this input and what I should have already realized, I don’t!!! They could drop him!! Couple weeks before I heard from his wife that ‘Ann’ that they did drop him cuz he wasn’t trying but only the helper hurt her back, Dad was fine.... what could she b hiding? I feel now like she doesn’t want real nurses there and the ones she has aren’t nurses and seem to do everything she says . Wow maybe I’m not crazy ....
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tom1941
Report

Tom, in the first post after mine, I definitely see some martyrdom and perhaps desire for sympathy in her personality, and cruelty in withholding meds.

Two dead husbands already? Does she have a red mark anywhere on her? Seriously, two dead husbands already is scary.

Follow Blannie's advice and get a background check done; maybe the police can help you. Or maybe a private eye can. If she has substantial assets from previous husbands, I might be thinking about filing for guardianship or conservatorship or both, although I have a feeling she'll bring out all her little black legs and sting you.

Seriously, Blannie's hit the nail on the head. Has she lived in different states with the previous 2 husbands? Traveled around a lot? Does she have any children by her previous husbands or your father?

Do you have any idea what HER assets are?

The arsenic issue is really unsettling.

I do know, however, that arsenic can be ingested in some very strange ways. After my sister died, I read through her medical records and discovered she had had blood work done by a homeopathic doctor. The report showed arsenic in her system. I was horrified and called the doctor.

He explained that arsenic can be found in some common areas, and that his own daughter was being treated for arsenic acquired from eating berries that were in contact with or close to treated lumber.

Now that does NOT surprise me. I'm not sure if lumber is still "treated" with Chromated Copper Arsenate (CCA) (with arsenic), but we organic gardeners would never use any treated lumber for our veggies.

Do you really know what assets your father has?

It may also be that there's some psychological anomaly, maybe some issues with men (I'm really speculating now) and she needs to keep them under her thumb. I honestly think that the mishandling of your father's dysphagia is seriously close to abuse.

BTW, $9 an hour is cheap, really, really cheap. Private duty runs anywhere from $25 up. One of the firms I interviewed charged something like $60 an hour for one LPN visit.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to GardenArtist
Report

Wow. It is weird right? Why wouldn’t anyone want hospice especially if they were concerned about finances? She has a 2017 jeep suv she paid cash for last yr with 5,000 Miles on it. Healthcare is expensive BUT she is paying $9 an hour for 10 hrs a day. My Dads social security is mac 1 can get And he has a decent pension sooo...
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Tom1941
Report

I'd do a background search on her to see if she has a criminal history. Sounds like she's got a good financial set-up with your dad, even after he's gone. I watch enough Investigation Discovery channel (all murder all the time) that I'd be very suspicious of her after his arsenic levels and her prior history of husbands dying. That would make me pay VERY close attention to what is happening with your dad. That is super scary!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to blannie
Report

Garden Artist - u said ‘another possibility, one which I first thought of: a sort of, variation of Munchausen's by Proxy.’ Hmmm interestingly enough about 5 years ago my Dad had arsenic poisoning- for real, the dr was concerned because his levels indicated a source not from tap water which I guess in some places u can find traces in people from water but not where he lives and not the level he had. I asked about what they think causing it??? My Dad said they don’t know and nothing was ever really said about it again. Creepy. My Dad will b the 3rd husband she has had that died. One was stroke, don’t know how other 2 died... man I don’t want her to find this and figure out any identifying info lol
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tom1941
Report

Thank you Garden Artist. I’ve thought the same. She has no desire to even think he would need suctioning... Ug!! Denial or control? I don’t know . She’s always been controlling. We have never eaten dinner or been invited to their home. We always just invited ourselves and it was always a short visit and awkward and sad for him. We were raised always offering food and drink to guests. He was always hurt if he suggested ordering a pizza or something and she’s say we have dinner planned and he’d just hang his head so we always said that’s ok we ate etc but could see the hurt. I think he married her to not b alone and because she did take care of him even when he was still working and he liked that. She goes on and on about how he has always expected her to take care of everything... well u married him lol
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tom1941
Report

Oh btw money is an issue but they built a nice house8 yrs ago, it’s paid for in full. He has a great pension she will continue to get when he dies and they inherited money from my grandfather who trusted he would give something to grandkids. We are the only cousins who got nothing. They r not hard up for money
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tom1941
Report

1 2 3
Related
Questions