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My dad is 95, legally blind in a wheel chair and lives in assisted living. My mother had dementia and I helped take care of her at their home for years until her falling became a big problem, they moved into a facility. He was in assisted living and she full care, when she passed he moved in a house beside us, at that time he said he would get a Lifeline necklace and a housekeeper but he would not do it, so I hired a house keeper, checked on him several times a day and he did get Friendship Meals. Several years ago he said he could not see well enough to live alone so he moved into the same facility. I really tried to talk him out of it, thought we were doing fine but he insisted, he was walking with a walker at that time. He also always has a dog. Two months later it closed and by this time he was in a wheelchair so we found another facility that would take dogs. He has long term care insurance and it was very hard to get them to pay when he moved back, moved again and again! He did not like this place so we moved him again, we have moved him 8 times, trying to make him happy, several times just to a different room in the same facility. He has been mad ever since the first place closed, of course does not like this place either.


He has fallen 3 times since January and they have had to pick him up, he cannot see to run the microwave or adjust the thermostat! He will not ask them for help, I will go in and he will have the heat on and it will be 90 degrees outside! He gripes about everything from the food, the other people, the housekeeping, the administrator, etc. I just don’t comment. My sister is almost 80 and lives 2 hours away and is dealing with her husband’s health problems. My husband works 7 days a week but helps when he can, my son takes care of his two rental houses. He called him today (he just pushes a button on his phone and says who he wants to call cannot see to dial even with his magnifier). He wants him to move him to one of the rentals which is 10 miles away from us. I visit at least 5 times a week, drive in early every Sunday and bring him back here for church, take him to his appointments, take the dog 20 miles to the a veterinarian! He is pretty sharp but has been somewhat forgetful lately, has forgotten appointments when I get there and other little things. First the house would need a major remodel, ramps, shower, try to make it safe. I’ve been battling this for years, I am tired, not sure what to do? I know he would not be there long before he would realize he could not do it, afraid he would not hire help after he got there. I am afraid it would be really hard to get the insurance to start paying again and it would be dangerous for him! He does use his walker when I take him somewhere but I am always worried he will fall! He cannot have PT because he has two hip replacements that have worn out. Surgery is not an option and his bones will crack when he is just sitting so he is to walk as little as possible. He also has an aortic abdominal aneurysm they are watching. I hate that he is not happy and I do not know what to do, any advice would be appreciated! Sorry this is so long!

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Hope this wasn't your Dad...

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-05-11/scooter-rider-monash-freeway-stopped-by-police/11104106
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sbgsteiff1 Sep 2019
Hi, no this was not my dad, he is fine. I waited for four days last week before I went to see him again. He said that I must really be mad at him so he better tear up that 30 day moving notice he has ready to give the AL! He got out of his chair, into his wheel chair and went over to his big magnifier and tore it up! Oh my, he thought he was moving in 30 days!! He just does not understand why I don’t think he can live alone, he decided that rental house would not be a very good location but he is going to keep looking for one in our town. He called my son later that day and told him to rent that house because it really upset me and he did not want me that upset. My son said, ‘No we can’t upset mom, I will get it ready to rent.’ So we have a reprieve for a while but it is ongoing, hoping his doctor will put a stop to it!
Someone commented that he could not hire someone to help him but he could, he has a big magnifier to read and write checks with, insists on paying his own bills. Sometimes he makes the checks out wrong, one time he lost his payment to the facility and I had to stop payment on that check and write another one! He will not let me take over, I have tried! I can understand that he is hanging on to this last bit of independence. I bought a journal and I started documenting everything off the wall he is saying and doing and my reactions and thoughts. I am hoping this will help me be more patient and could help with his care in the future. Thank you!
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"He always gets what he wants and he is stubborn". So, your dad is a controlling difficult man who gets what he wants through bullying others and making you feel guilty if you can't fulfill his unrealistic desires. You sound like an angel at his beck and call who feels guilty for not being able to make magic happen and fulfill all of his unrealistic expectations. Sorry for my harshness but your dad sounds like he's never had a reality check! Time to give him one!. Play along if you have to! He sounds like he doesn't want to live in reality - and it sounds like you feel guilty for not playing along with his unrealistic ideas. Sounds like you have tried to be honest and reasonable and he doesn't want to engage with reality.
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It seems to me that your dad isn't going anywhere without help. He certainly cannot move himself into a rental property, so who's going to DO the moving FOR him? Nobody, that's who. It's time to stop 'hearing' your father's demands and start allowing common sense to prevail. A blind 95 year old man cannot live alone and that's THAT. Cut down your contact with him if all he does is complain. He's going to be unhappy wherever he goes, so you need to understand that. He's unhappy being in the condition he's in and would like to be young and healthy again, as we all would, but that's not possible, unfortunately. He has to deal the hand he's been dealt, and you have to move on with YOUR life, without pandering to his every need. Stop moving him. Just let him be, that's my suggestion.
Best of luck!
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sbgsteiff1;

Hopefully you made some headway at the appointment Wednesday - if not, MORE pressure on doc to get additional testing, with a specialist.

"When he sees the doctor he uses his walker, he stands up straighter and walks better while he is there, he cannot even stand without hanging on to something and cannot go very far before he has to sit down, always in a wheel chair or scooter when he is at home. He smiles and jokes with him acts very sharp! ... When he is at church he talks to people acts like he knows who they are instead of telling them he cannot see their faces, he is too proud to ask. He always asks me who that was, he is a really good faker!!"

This has a name... it is called 'show-timing' and is often a sign of early dementia. People in the early stages can often muster up enough to "seem" normal. Doctors and others who do not see them all the time or for long enough often cannot see through the charade.

"He thinks he can do everything himself, that’s the problem! He claims they do nothing for him, that is why he needs to live alone. ... he said he had people he could call, always has an answer! I am just leaving from now on, or turning the radio on if we are in the car, there is no reasoning with him."

Thinking he is fine, independent and the short term memory losses, also signs of early dementia. The silly test the doctor office does WON'T identify issues that he has. He needs an in-depth test, so they can really assess him. Our mother had plans to move to AL if/when the time came. HOWEVER, once dementia set in, that plan was out the window. She was ADAMANT she was fine, independent and could cook. None of that was true. She refused to move anywhere, especially AL. She refused to let aides in. None of her self images were true. She self-isolated and only ate frozen dinners and boxed crap. Complains about the place she is in now (MC.) Nothing to do here. Doesn't participate in many activities. Mostly reads magazines, newspaper and sales catalogs!

"...looking for advice on how to best handle him and keep my peace of mind."

Enough advice was given about setting boundaries, etc and you are attempting to distance yourself/ignore his complaints. IF possible, try redirection/refocusing - sometimes we can change their focus onto something else. It doesn't always work - that's when you give lame excuse and leave. It isn't easy, it's painful, but you'll have to do it. You can't reason or argue with dementia. In his mind, he is fine, just like he was years ago! Placate him and keep telling him the move is delayed, but is in the works (lie lie lie!!!) If he calls your son again, son needs to be advised on doing the same - promise the moon, but it will take more time gramps!

Since you have the POAs in place, I assume you handle all the finances, so even if he could contact movers, scooter companies, etc, how would he pay for it? If he has access to finances (bank accts, credit cards, etc.), take them away. If he can't provide payment, no one is going to move him or provide anything like a scooter. Given that it's suspect he has early signs of dementia, someone will have to ensure he doesn't walk out of the facility (or wheel.) Definitely fib about the rental place (actually it isn't lies, as the place needs major work, but tell him it's in the works, it will take time.) Blame delays on the town, say they require occupation permit, and blame it on the companies that provide materials for ramp, bath, etc. Even lie about the doctor saying he won't approve the move!

Hopefully doctor can be reasoned with (mom's previous doc was useless.) Dad should get extensive testing for dementia, as the memory losses and delusional ideas are signs of dementia. If the testing indicates this, you'll have to line up a move, but to MC rather than a home alone! Hopefully the facility he is in has MC care as well.

If doc is no help, you can find a specialist yourself. The nurse who came for the CNA company did the extensive test.
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Beatty Sep 2019
Great answers!
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Update after meeting with his doctor. He said there is nothing we can do because he is his own guardian and does not think we could get guardianship. My dad has a doctor’s appointment this month the doctor is going to tell him it would not be safe for him to live alone, put this in his chart, he does not recommend it and he will have to find a new doctor! He will not continue to treat him under these unsafe conditions and he will have to find a new doctor. Hoping this will work he normally will do whatever this doctor says but he is obviously not normal now, we will see, just taking one day at a time.
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JudinWA Sep 2019
You can speak to Lawyer specializing in Elder Law. Sounds like he needs a court-appointed guardian--which can be you.But he is past the mental capacity to give you POA, so this needs to be done in a court of law in most states. I would talk to a Lawyer ASAP. He is not safe to be at home, based on your description, and you do not have the ability to provide 24 hour care--no one single person really can.
Then the hardest part is to "Harden your heart" or do tough love. Not easy at all. He will be unhappy, you will be unhappy.
The only alternative is to have him at home with 24 hour caregiver if you have th financial resources to do so. Then he

will have 1:1 care. My general experience is that generally it is difficult to find consistent caregiver. Then you trade the headache of having him unhappy I AL with that of filling in whenever caregivers can't/don't show up and on and on, as an employer.

All the best to you as you figure this journey out.
Judy in Washington. Registered Nurse.
Judy In Wsh
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you wrote..."He is not changing so I am the one who needs to handle it differently." There is your answer. If our help on this forum isn’t giving you the answers you want to hear then you should consider seeing a therapist on how to handle what you can. Say the old serenity prayer because it certainly applies in this case. Let him talk...complain, cuss etc. go "gray rock"on him. Also there’s a good book I highly recommend by Dr. Paul Chafetz. He is a psychologist who counsels adult children of parents like yours. It’s a thin book with excellent tips. It’s called "Loving Hard to Love Parents"..a handbook for children of difficult older parents". .....on Amazon
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I can hear my dad in everything you posted. Great big HUGS!

What you are dealing with is loss of executive function, he doesn't know that he doesn't know. The beginning of dementia is so tricky, they seem okay, but then they have these hair brained ideas that they are the only ones that can't see what a bad idea it is. Oy vey!

I would recommend that you start letting the facility do what they are paid for. Of course he wants you, but that doesn't obligate you to do it. You get to decide what you will or won't do. He will never be happy in the way that he wants to be. Unfortunately those days are gone forever.

I would tell him that he will lose his insurance if he moves to a private house, therapeutic lie, maybe. I would also be very clear that you will not prop him up, no more rides, no help at all. Sometimes you have to get tough and back away so they can see just what their realities are. Dementia changes the ability to have a sensible conversation, you are now the adult in the relationship and that means you have to say no and stick to it, no matter where he goes with his insanity.

I would tell him that he needs to do everything he can to find contentment where he is and stop trying to get some place that is not safe for him, everytime he brings it up, no, not gonna happen, find a way to be content where you are. You may have to remove yourself from the situation for a while.

No guilt, he has had a good long life, he is safe, fed, cared for. What more could he really expect from life at this point?

Take care of you and enjoy your retirement some, you matter!
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You should certainly do nothing to help your father move to his own house and you should not beat yourself up over that decision. Did you say his grandson (your son or nephew?) is going to help your father move? Is that person going to be responsible for your father? Maybe your father just thinks that is going to happen, while his grandson is just stalling.
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sbgsteiff1 Sep 2019
It is my son and yes he is just putting him off, he will not move him but my dad thinks he will. Actually it really will take a long time for him to get that house ready for anyone to live in!!
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When I read your story, I was dumbfounded - how could you even begin to think of allowing him at his age and with all the problems go home and live alone. It is NOT possible - would you tell a two year old child to live alone and take care of itself? Of course not. You can't fix or change what is going on with your father. This is life. He cannot take care of himself and you can't do more than you have already done. This is YOUR time to live and take care of yourself and your own family. Do NOT give in to him. Let him rant and rave - it will only get worse but ignore it. If he upsets you too much when you see him, then send him cards or give him a quick phone call but the minute he goes on his tirade, immediately remove yourself. You will have more peace and maybe he will learn to control his venting. DO NO MORE - LEAVE HIM IN A FACILITY.
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Sounds like my uncle who voluntarily placed himself in a facility (AL) after selling his house and getting rid of his possessions.  He thought it was great for about the first year, then he began to be unhappy about it, and eventually he decided he was going to go to independent living with a different "facility" who offered little houses for that.  It involved moving him and his stuff that he accumulated into the house, and he began to clutter it up, then tragedy struck, and he wound up in the hospital and SNF due to a BKA, so I don't know how he will manage now.  I thought it was a mistake in the first place, but I'm just a niece, and the "Family" won't contact me or take anything I say seriously.  This is now on them to deal with because they ignore my suggestions, so I have quit giving them my opinions on things.
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sbgsteiff1 Sep 2019
That is exactly what would happen, it would not take long and my dad would end up in full care and he would really hate that!
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Dad needs to Stay Put or You could be in Hot Water with Adult Elderly Servces if He does Fall and All...Just Ignore him.
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It sounds like you are and have been an amazing daughter and done all that's possible to help your father be happy. I've heard people in that age group and similar ailments say, "I've lived long enough." They are weary, often in pain, frustrated by their limitations. I don't think anything you do will make him happy because the sources of his discontent are beyond where he lives, etc. Just continue to let him know you love him, just keep looking for ways to bring a little joy to his days. Good luck.
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sbg: Okay then.
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You have to take charge. Get his Doc. on your side. He will be up set for a while but you have to do what is best for him to have a stable life. Being unhappy is something they do. They hate the fact they can't do the things they use to do. They will fight to try to prove they still can take care of themselves.You have to over ride their decisions for the best.
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If your father did this, he would be going backwards. This is not how it works. He is at the AL for a reason. So as your sister is almost 80 years old, your dad was a father at age 15? Do not move him back to the house. But dad MUST speak up! For help at the AL!
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sbgsteiff1 Sep 2019
No my sister is 77, her husband is 80, I said almost 80, (I meant getting close)he will be 96 in November and was 19 when she was born. We are not moving him back to a house, looking for advice on how to best handle him and keep my peace of mind.
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Time to just say "no". Sorry he is not happy with the situation but there comes a time in a persons life where they have to accept that they can no long take care of themselves. And when they don't or refuse to, it is up to the guardian to make that decision for them. No one wants to accept that they are no longer free to do what they want, when they want. It seems to be harder for us men to accept.
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Teri4077 Sep 2019
you are absolutely right, Rome!
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If your father does manage to move out and live alone, we are all going to need an update on how THAT goes! It sounds impossible!
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sbgsteiff1 Sep 2019
I certainly hope it is impossible but it seems that the only way to legally prevent it is to have guardianship, which I do not! The nurse thought it would be very hard to obtain, will see what the doctor says on Wednesday.
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I hate that your father is not happy, too. I feel for him. I wish it were possible to find an environment where he would not feel frustrated, discontented, and aggravated by people's inability to do what he asks them to do, the way he asks them to, when he wants them to. I know that last part sounds a bit sarcastic, but I promise it isn't sarcastic. Just imagine how *annoying* it is when you can't get a simple thing done and you can't do it yourself.

What can you do about it? Even if you moved heaven and earth, and moved him from one facility to another for the rest of his life, it still wouldn't work. It will not make him less dependent on others for his freedom of action, which is the heart of the matter.

But you don't have to fight, argue, contradict or in anyway gainsay him. Go for "masterly inactivity" - keep the discussion going, do nothing, but meanwhile just highlight any positives and pros about his staying put.

And, if you like, do keep looking. You never know what perfect facility *might* show up.
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It sounds like you need a break! It doesn't sound like a good idea to move him, but it is true that many "assisted living" facilities do not assist as much as is needed. Can he afford to have aides coming in to help with some of the things you have been doing? He might need 24/7 aides if he lived in an apartment or house "alone". Someone would have to oversee the aides. This is expensive. It seems that his long term care insurance should be paying for his Assisted Living, or at the very least tell you why they are denying the claims. You may want to get help dealing with them.
Nancy
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sbgsteiff1 Sep 2019
We only had trouble getting them to pay when he moved back (3 years ago), it took a long time to get it approved again and when she was copying the form. I just do not want to have to do it again. He is 95, legally blind in a wheel chair and they send a nurse to evaluate him every year to make sure he needs to be there. I am sure when these insurance policies were issued years ago, the companies did not realize how long people were going to live. That is why they limit them to 5 years now instead of lifetime like his. They are paying now but only pay so much a day so he does have to pay about $1,500 each month which is not bad for a place to live, food and help on a daily basis. He certainly would not want aides coming in, he gets mad because they give him his medicine and he thinks he should do it himself! He thinks he can do everything himself, that’s the problem! He claims they do nothing for him, that is why he needs to live alone. I just visit, check on him, take him places, do not do any care. They have transportation but he would rather I take him so I have, may need to be busy more and let them do it. I did have surgery and they took him while I was recuperating, I reminded him of that but he said he had people he could call, always has an answer! I am just leaving from now on, or turning the radio on if we are in the car, there is no reasoning with him.
Thank you, I do take breaks, love to travel went to the beach in August and leaving on another trip at the end of this month. It is just frustrating that he will not stop and I could not do this if he were not living there. I have just got to learn to live with it and realize it is not going away! He has forgotten that when he got this insurance he told me he got this because he did not want to be a burden to me when he was old. Ha! Ha!
Another thing that really bothers me is when he and mother were my age they went to Arizona every winter, did it for 15 years and had a great time! He often says he would still be going if he could see. He actually has had a wonderful retirement but is always saying that this sure wasn’t the way he planned on spending his retirement! I would not want to be gone that long but it is sad that he is only thinking of himself. I would think this selfishness was just a part of aging but I have met so many other people living in these places who are still considerate of others and just appreciate everyone and have a great time. My mother would be so mad at him, even with dementia she was always so sweet and appreciative! He is not changing so I am the one who needs to handle it differently.
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It sounds like the days of your dad being happy have long since passed. So, him being happy probably should not be one of your top concerns at this point. It appears that he will not be happy no matter where he lives.

I would say there are very few 95 year olds, who CAN see, that are able to safely live on their own.

I strongly suggest NO action. Do not move him anymore. Not to another room, certainly not to a house. If he insists, just tell him nicely that he can do as he wished, but you are not going to help because you do not think it is in his best interest. If he can coordinate it all, which is highly doubtful, but fine, go ahead.

You are already doing a lot for him in AL. If he were to live in a house, he would not be independent at all. That sounds like a big mistake to me.

Good luck!
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Even if your father does not have Dementia, it does not sound like he is physically able to live alone, or at least to BE alone. It seems he would need full time in home care, hired help for maintenance etc. It sounds like he and your family have prepared financially as well as possible for Long Term Care. Maybe he can afford to hire whatever help he needs.

WOULould his own doctor support his living alone?
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sbgsteiff1 Sep 2019
He could not afford to hire home help plus living expenses for very long and even if he could he would not pay it! We have been through that before. It was very hard the last time he moved back to get his insurance to pay again, they would probably find some excuse not too. There is a form the secretary has to fill out each month and fax to them. Several months ago she was trying to save time and filled in the info that is the same every month and then just had to fill in the dates. They refused to pay because it was not all original every month! It took a while to get them to pay again, I do not want to mess with the insurance! His doctor said he would tell him he thinks he needs assistance and put in his record that he recommends assisted living for safety reasons but he cannot order him unless he does not pass the dementia test and he thinks he can and so do I. My sister and I are meeting with him to find out if there isn’t a test for delusional behavior, tell him the things he has been saying and find out all of the options. When he sees the doctor he uses his walker, he stands up straighter and walks better while he is there, he cannot even stand without hanging on to something and cannot go very far before he has to sit down, always in a wheel chair or scooter when he is at home. He smiles and jokes with him acts very sharp! The doctor forgets he cannot see, when he tries to show him a lab report he will tell him he cannot see it. When he is at church he talks to people acts like he knows who they are instead of telling them he cannot see their faces, he is too proud to ask. He always asks me who that was, he is a really good faker!!
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Wow. I have many pictures in my head picturing your lovely Dad. It's late here so I am tired (& a bit silly - no offence indended). Ideas;

#1 Just love him. Love & empathy that getting old is tough.
#2 Laugh. You want to... what?? Pull the other one Dad!
#3 Moan with him. I'd really like a big palace with a moat & a yacht.
#4 Be even sillier. I'm planning a round the world trip in my yacht - come with me!
#5 Let the guilt get to you & feel responsible for all his unhappiness.

Actually please don't choose #5.

Seriously, he sounds like a lovely old guy that just doesn’t want to be old. I'd be asking in depth questions about what moving home would *feel* like to him. What would be there he hasn't got now, what stops his current abode feeling like home etc. Home is a feeling to me, not bricks & mortar. It's feeling comfortable at the end of the day, my old slippers, the worn out throw rug, my own coffee cup.

How could he change his current place to feel more like his home?
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It seems dad has some beginning dementia of his own. If he can not see well enough or remember well enough for "little things," it will only get worse. You may 2 options to consider:

1 - Round the clock home health aides that are for your dad in his own place - a smallish condo is my thinking on that.

2 - Assisted living that progresses to full care as his abilities diminish.

In either case, please talk with his doctor about your concerns. Dad may need adjustment on his medications to prevent falls, strengthen bones, deal with depression/grieving (the anger issues in men are usually depression), and maybe meds for Alzheimer's disease which work for a time.

Talk with your family with dad present to discuss a long term plan of care. Please get powers of attorney (medical, financial, living will) as well as will taken care of while dad is still mentally competent to deal with these. There are specialists in geriatric care - think senior home health agencies or senior residential facilities - that have social workers, counsellors and advanced practice nurses that you can hire to help with questions that come up at your family meeting.
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sbgsteiff1 Sep 2019
Thank you for the advice, I and my sister have power of attorney both financial and medical, he has a living will. He has a trust and I am listed as co trustee and I am on all his bank accounts and investments. He took care of this year’s ago, he also has long term care insurance for life but it will not pay for home care. I know he would not pay for home health care, we looked into it for mother, he said it was too expensive at that time, so that is not an option. His being in assisted living is the best place for him right now. I really think he is having delusions, thinking he can do things that he really cannot, thinking things will be like they used to be. We are meeting with his doctor this week and discussing our concerns, I have talked to the head nurse at his facility, the administrator is on maternity leave so I cannot talk to her at this time. What is so hard is the fact that he has always been so smart about taking care of long term planning and accepting when he cannot do things anymore, like driving, he decided on his own to stop. He realized when he could not take care of mother at home anymore and they moved to a facility. This has to be a delusional disorder, he is not thinking straight! I have realized that I cannot reason with him, in his mind he can do this! He is living in the best and safest place right now. My biggest fear is that he will sneak around and find a place and someone to move him. I have warned the facility and family members about his behavior so hopefully have it covered. I will update everyone after we meet with the doctor. And, yes he really is cute, does not look 95!
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He doesn't want his next stop to be the nursing home. Who would? Everytime he says that take him for a drive to look at all the outside yard work involved in a house. Remind him there's less to take care of & if he ever needs it he will get care where he is. Also he might be bored. Improve his house with things he'll enjoy to increase his feeling that he's home there.
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You can see by what you’ve written that he has moved 8 times because he's never happy! That alone is the message you are being hit with between the eyes that you are refusing to acknowledge. He can never be happy and guess what, it’s not your job to make him happy. He’s 95, his body is failing him and who would be happy? Please stop thinking each move will make him happy because it won’t. He can not safely live alone and why do you need to cater to him non stop because of his stubbornness? Tell him the insurance won’t pay for another move, or some other fib. Whatever you do, do not move him to live "alone". He needs supervision, more than what you can do. He’s a danger to himself.
You are in a state of denial by wishing that he would just realize his good fortune, make the best of things and be happy. Not gonna happen. Once we get over that and come to the full realization that nothing we wish will change their attitude the sooner we will have peace of mind. Realize: he won’t be happy, not your job to make it so, he will always want to move, he will always complain. That said, stop visiting so often. If you keeled over tomorrow he’d have to make the best of it so just pretend that’s happened and live your life.p and go less often. My dad railed at me, cussed etc. when I moved him to the NH, but too bad...I finally took a two month break from him just to get my mental health back, I can’t change my dad's health and neither can you change your dad's.
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anonymous912123 Sep 2019
Says it all!
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Next time you visit Dad’s facility, do it during business hours. Tell the front desk AND the manager AND the admissions director AND the ombudsman AND the medical director (if there is one) that if Dad dismisses himself, you will not allow him to live in your home or any of your rental properties.

Be clear to all that no matter what malarkey Dad might tell them, your words are the truth.

The next day, mail them all a notarized letter that repeats your words. Send it via registered mail + signature required + return receipt.

Then - of course - do not sign Dad out of the care home. Do not.

If Dad wants to leave, he alone must jump through the admin hoops.

The end.

Stick to your guns.

Let Dad complain to high heavens when you visit him. After a certain age, griping is the only bandwidth a lot of oldsters have. Or choose to have. [ahem]

Or don’t let Dad complain to high heavens when you visit him. When the convo starts taking a predictable turn, grab your keys and say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. And I cannot subject myself to any more of your negativity. I’ll come back when you are in a better frame of mind.” And walk out the door.

Walk. Out. The. Door.

You set the rules. You set the tone. Dad can take it or leave it.

Also - visiting 5x/week plus church shuttle plus vet taxi is excessive. You are giving Dad the explicit message that his life is more important than yours. And voila - the old goat is running with it.

Did you spend your entire adulthood seeing your parents 5x/week? Or is this the “poor papa” guilt train going off the rails?

I am in no way saying that you should turn your back on Dad. But it’s time for you to spearhead a reset. Pronto.
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Teddiegough Sep 2019
What are the admin hoops?

Do you know what I need to do to take my mother out of assisted living and move her into my home? (I have medical power of attorney.)

Thanks
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On a lighter note, I love the name of your Dad's dog, Maxine :)
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"I immediately told him if that was what he wanted to talk about I was leaving" .... and then you didn't leave, did you? It sounds like you didn't leave but rather got sucked into nonsense about scooters, moving companies and microwaves.

Setting aside the hurtful words he used toward you, he's not going anywhere unless you and/or your sister help him, right???

He's going to hire a moving company. Really? How's he going to get the name and phone number of movers? Real moving companies have contracts and they schedule appointments to draw up estimates on the size of the job. What I'm asking is he really capable of executing a move himself? Doubtful.

He needs a bigger scooter. How's he going to make that happen? The amount of paperwork associated with a scooter is enormous, especially if he wants Medicare to pay for it. Again, is he really capable of getting another scooter himself?? Again, doubtful.

You are feeding his delusions by giving him rational responses to irrational statements/demands. Next time stick to your guns and L-E-A-V-E. Then, go downstairs to the AL director's office, tell him/her about his delusions, and ask to be notified if he tries to enlist the staff for help.

"His behavior is not normal, there has to be a diagnosis for this" Yes, and it's called delusional disorder. Delusions are firmly held beliefs in things that are not real - including him and Maxine moving - and also occur in the mid-to-late stages of Alzheimer's. Who is this doctor who feels he will pass the memory test? Maybe get a second opinion??
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AlvaDeer Aug 2019
I so agree. Participating in any such move at this point sounds negligent to me.
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Well, I saw him yesterday, we had a death in our family, I went to tell him, did not even get that done. The first thing he said was that he and Maxine (the dog) were moving. I immediately told him if that was what he wanted to talk about I was leaving. He became very belligerent, said his grandson was moving him, if I would not let him he would hire a moving company! Then went into what all he would need.....a bigger scooter so he could go to the grocery store (11 blocks away through stop lights and traffic), the shower is no problem he can step over the tub to get in (cannot even go up stairs), I pointed out that he cannot see to use the microwave even though I put raised dots on it to help him, he does not need a microwave he is going to buy a stove and cook! He claims the people at this place do nothing for him! He also said he had just lived too long, I told him ‘I loved him that he had not lived too long but he needs to accept the stage of life he is in right now and be glad he is living in such a nice place and be happy. Things are never going to be the way the used to be’. He actually cussed at me, he has never used cuss words in front of me and my sister. He is delusional, he has lost all concept of what he is capable of doing. I talked to his doctor and was told that the only way he could demand that he stay there is if he does not pass the memory test which he feels like he will, he can recommend that he needs assistance for his safety but that is all. His behavior is not normal, there has to be a diagnosis for this, has anyone experienced this. My sister and I do have an appointment next week with the doctor.
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AlvaDeer Aug 2019
You need to extricate yourself from any and ALL of this at once. Anything short of that, ANYTHING you do to enable this move is just that--enabling someone to do something that they should not be doing. It is participating in endangering him.
If he wishes to do this,that is on HIM. If a grandson wishes to help him in doing this, then that is on the GRANDSON, and the GRANDSON is the person who should be called for any problems; that should be made clear to the grandson at this point, immediately, by his own parent.
You, to be frank, should be withdrawing from any discussion of this whatsoever, including with the doctor. The doctor is correct. If your Dad is able to pass tests there is absolutely nothing he can do about your father's decision, but there are things YOU can do. That thing is to withdraw from this at once. Anything else is endangering your father, any contribution to this move, as YOU yourself describe your father, is participating, co-ing him in his own injury. Your sister should understand this as well.
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I agree with everyone else. But what everyone is failing to point out is that good grief, he is 95!! That is way longer than most people live. His complaining is probably what keeps him going ;) At this point I'd be more concerned when he stops. That will mean he's given up.
The other thing that nobody is really saying is, for goodness sake, it's time for you to stop everything and take care of you. In fact, your kids should stop the madness and take care of you too! I am shocked you are still going strong. You really should talk to a counselor or join a caregiver support group. I know you love your father, but it is time to love yourself more. And show your kids by example what boundaries and happiness looks like! I pray you find your inner peace and get some rest soon. You've gone above and beyond!!
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sbgsteiff1 Aug 2019
Thank you, I really appreciate your words of kindness and prayers. My kids do a lot for us and everyone else, cousins, aunts, their kids, the Community, etc. I worry about them too! I am going to look into a support group, I do think that would help.
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