My dad thinks he can move out of care home if my mum passes away but he can’t. How do I handle this?

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My parents are both in a care home as my mum is in late stages Alz. and my dad has vascular dementia. He is also blind and wears a hearing aid. Dad is 88 and Mum is 86.


He and I cared for my mum until it became too much and was affecting our health. What he fails to realise is that I wasn’t just caring for mum but him as well. It was overwhelming to say the least.


Dad keeps saying that if mum passes first then he is moving out of care home to a place of his own and will refuse to stay where he is. He is making life extremely difficult in that respect and also his paranoia and suspiciousness of just about everyone is driving me crazy. He is in one of the best care homes with very caring staff but they are all either stealing his shirts etc or throwing his things out. They are actually in the wash and I have tried explaining. I have to do his washing even though he is paying through the nose for staying there and all the services they provide.


He thinks my husband has it in for him and wants his money which isn’t true. My husband has bent over backwards to try and please him but nothing is ever right. Same with me.


I’m so tired of it all, how do I handle all his negativity and make him realise that he needs care too? At one point he thought that he could take my mum home and things would be back to normal! He doesn’t realise everything I do for him and what that would mean for me if he did that. I am 63 and not feeling as young as I should.

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Good advice here. Please, don't worry about anything until you are there. Its not unusual for the parent in better health to go before the one who is worse. You may not have to even deal with Dad. Or by that time his Dementia will be in a different stage. Like said, just agree.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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As you probably already know, people with dementia are obsessive, delusional, and hallucinatory. What they say usually doesn’t have much to do with reality. For that reason taking what they say seriously and trying to convince them otherwise is darned near impossible. This is why we use the Therapeutic Fib. “Ok, Dad. When Mom passes we’ll talk about it.” “Oh, your clothes are disappearing? Well, I’ll just have to speak with the nurse on my way out.” When my mom was in a facility, i always told her I’d speak with the nurse. She once claimed they’d moved the entire facility, residents and all, to Russia—overnight! I told her I’d get her a Russian language dictionary. Yes, you had to laugh. Or you’d implode.

Both your parents are in a facility and are safe and cared for. Since I’ve been caregiver for my bedridden husband, my health nas taken a nosedive as well. But, you can (and should) as we say here, “chill out”. Don’t take everything your father says as law and to heart. His brain is broken. Find something you enjoy doing and spend some time doing it.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Els1eL Aug 10, 2018
Thank you Ahmijoy, put that way it seems a lot simpler. 👍
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yes that sounds like my mom. saying someone taking her things - anything that's missing is because other people took it.
of course I could go on and on about what she does....
she got so bad. I was lucky to see a geriatric dr who started her on a low dose anti depressant. Celexa - Citalopram.
my mom would ask to go back home after my dad passed away too. I just told her she couldn't live alone. and I was sorry but she was safer here(AL)
with the drug it seems to even out her mood. I still hear off & on about things missing. but for the most part, she is better.
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Reply to wally003
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Els1eL Aug 10, 2018
Thanks Wally. That’s a help. 🙂
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You need to have dad seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. He needs meds for agitation and paranoia.

No amount of reassurance worked for my mom. Meds did.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Els1eL Aug 10, 2018
Thank you Barb. He is already on meds bu5 maybe they need to be reviewed. I’ll discuss it with the nurse. 🙂
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