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My mother takes him to his appts. refills his meds. My problem is my mother never interacts with my father until it’s time to go to a dr appt. He sits in his room all day and watches tv. My mother has forbidden me to see my father. When I call and talk to him she’s listening to the conversation & gets mad because she hears my father tell me he doesn’t get to go anywhere & he’s a prisoner. At one point two years ago he came to live with me for 3 months and we battled his cancer together & found out it was gone throug his PET scan. We also found out he had skin cancer on both hands and the VA dermatologist ordered surgery to remove it since it wasn’t to deep in his hand. At this point my father goes back to my mother & his dermatologist just freezes the lesions. Now, he’s in treatment for the cancer spreading on his hands.


My question is... I have a durable POA and I’m ready to use it. My mother is not caring for my father properly & I’m upset the Dr. in AL are just using a band aid method to stop the cancer. He’s a retired Army solider and all medical is taken are of. So, at age 76 the dr are just at this point billing to make money and prolong his life & not on a path of curing him... THE VA was on a mission to cure his cancer.


I’m appalled by the care he’s receiving and want to bring him to my home to properly care for him. Just need guidance & reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. My mother’s going to flip her kid when I show her the POA. I’ve held on for two years not using it and things have gotten worse not better.

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We are only hearing one side here, but it sounds like your mother has some serious emotional issues. If you have done nothing to provoke her treatment of you, the next time she refuses to let you see your father, can YOU call the sheriff? Tell them you know from personal experience that your mother is physically abusive and you fear for your father’s safety. The law can work for you, too. They can at least moderate the situation.
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OK, so AL refers to the state, not assisted living. That really had me wondering!
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I'm a little confused - the cancer you were battling 2 years ago is different from the skin cancer? Has he had follow up, is he still in remission?
You mention he has stage 7 Alzheimer's - you do realize that ALZ is a terminal illness and stage 7 is very advanced, right? Since he is living in an AL facility I'm wondering if he is not eating meals in the dining room and having assistance with his ADLs and getting out more than he remembers when you talk to him - how long has it been since you were able to visit?
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Thunder5 Dec 27, 2018
So my dad lives with my mom in AL at their house. My dad has to feed himself throug a tube due to tongue cancer in 2005. The cancercwe just battled was in his jawbone and he’s in remission now. He’s been battling cancer since I was 7 yrs old due to Agent Orange in Vietnam. My dad does al his daily ADL’s by himself but when he’s visited I’ve noticed that he forgets to take his meds. I only know because I mix his meds for him and leave them in the bathroom for him to take. Sometimes I bring them to him and administer them to him myself. The last time I saw my dad was in August he stayed for two weeks and my mom sent nasty texts the whole time & when he decided to stay an extra week she told him to “not come home”. (As. Narcissistis would say)
I’m the only one who talks to him on a regular basis. I text him throughout the day justvto jerp his mind sharp. My mother has blocked everyone else from calling him. I think she realizes if she blocks me it’s not going to go very well. I’ve had to call for health checks because my texts went answered and the home phone goes directly to answering machine.
Its just crazy and I Love My Dad So Much! I pray for my mother daily. Not a great situation for me. I do realize ALZ is terminal and I’m prepared for that. What I’m most disappointed with is the care my father is receiving from his wife, it’s halfass to put it nicely. I’ve tried many times to reach out to my mother and now for the last two years she’s blocked my number from her phone and refuses to talk to me. I’ve told her numerous times our common goal is the health of your husband. Problem is she’s admitted that she’s jeoulous of me & my dads relationship. She’s admitted she feels he loves me more... I think she’s ludicrous in her thinking and I know for a fact my dad loves my mother. It’s just she’s so narcissistic it drives us crazy! She once told my son “when you get older I’ll tell you all the bad things your mother has done to me”, REALLY???? A grandparent really tells a 13 yr old that... that was the last time I let her speak to him. This year she sent the oldest a Xmas card and no card yet for the younger brother. In two years she’s not texted a Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas to them & all of a sudden sends a card to one and not the other? Did she really think I would give one a card and tell the other “oh well”.... I’m still hoping it’s list in the mail. I’ll give it til Friday on the card. I’m now just venting, I apologize. I’m headed to AL tomorrow to file all my POA’s with the state in the county they reside in. Then I will go by and visit my dad & let her know that I’ve now legally taken action & if she chooses to still be MEAN I will exercise my POA rights, accordingly.
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You have a lot going on. I have read both your posts and your replies.

As far as the skin cancer goes, there are many different treatments for it and freezing it off is a very common one for the hands and other areas of the body where there is not much flesh. My Dad has had numerous skin cancers removed and freezing is one of the methods that has been used.

Chemo drugs in a cream are also used. Plus surgical removal for deeper cancers.

As far as the 'ideal situation' being that they both live with you. No, not a good idea. You have stated your mother was abusive to you when you were growing up. Your sons need to be protected from their grandmother's abuse, not have it brought to their home. Your children's welbeing has to come before your parents.

Your Dad has dementia, popping home from work worked several months ago, but what about when he needs 24/7 care? How is he going to manage the stairs?

As far as the POA goes, who prepared it? When Mum had to activate the POA for stepdad, she discussed it with the lawyer who prepared it, to find out the next steps.

There is a misconception that a person has to be certified by two doctors for POA to go into effect. A person can decide while still competent to have the POA take over. My mother has done this with friends. It is far too difficult for them to manage, but they are cognitively ok.

Talk to your Dad and ask him if he is ready to have you take over. If he says yes, and it is witnessed or documented, then you will not have to worry about your mother calling the police.

If Mum is narcissistic, she quite likely is afraid of losing control. But right now Dad's health is far more important and her issues.
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Thunder5 Dec 27, 2018
I have a DPOA that’s been in effect since it was signed and notorized since 05/2017. When my father needs 24/7 care I’ll address it when that time comes. He qualifies for home health and I’m planning on setting that up when he gets here. As for stairs his room is downstairs. Two years ago we were walking 3 miles a day... he’s just deteriorating sitting in his room not doing anything.
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I have to be honest. I was never impressed with the “house doctors” in either my mom’s facility or my husband’s. In my husband’s facility, without my knowledge, the doctor took him off Coumadin and put him on Eliquis. Coumadin is about $7 per month and Eliquis is over $700. Luckily, we were approved for this medication to be paid for.

If you bring Dad to live with you long term, are you prepared to do the work of 3 shifts of caregivers, round the clock, maybe 4 aides and a nurse? If your mom has no help, that’s what she’s doing now. You are determined now to straighten out his care, but maybe you should investigate getting him back to the VA. Why did he leave and go to an AL facility? Is Dad at home or in an AL facility? If he’s in an AL, have you met with the director and asked about his treatment and your dissatisfaction with it? You have the right to a Care Conference.

If you have DPOA, you are within your rights to look out for your father if you feel he’s not getting good care if he’s at home with your mother.

But also understand, from your mother’s standpoint, there may be no “interaction” with your father. He’s ill physically and mentally. How do you think she should entertain him in addition to caring for all his needs and perhaps running a household as well. His dementia may be making him tell you things that aren’t true. Mom may not want him to be telling you these things. She may be burned out. If your relationship with her isn’t the best, she may feel she has no support at all. And that’s not easy. Try to understand things from her point of view if you can.
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Thunder5 Dec 27, 2018
So, here’s the answers to your questions. My mother showed up unannounced and brought my father back after he was cleared of cancer. It took her three months to file papers to stop the divorce. My father still of sound mind most of the time. He’s competent and just wants to be included. If she takes a trip to the store he’d like to go. My mother thinks of my dad as a burden and she knows that I’m here to help! Except that she doesn’t want any help from anyone so she’s become angry, verbally abusive and spiteful! Keep in mind she’s also has a narcissistic personality. The sad truth is she has exonerated me from her life and willfully tries to keep me from any relationship from my father. They’ve had many fights over her treatment of me. She’s called the sheriff out to there home five times in 2018 due to hearing conversations that my dad and I have. She tells them he’s hit her when in fact she’s trying to take his phone from him! My mother has verbally and physically abused me while growing up. I have text messages from my father stating he’s afraid of her and how she’s threatening him. So, I sent a Christmas gift to him and she told him if he wore the sweatshirt I gave him she’s shred it to pieces! So, I understand you asking me to have empathy for her. I try except she’s on a collision course of self destruction for both her and my father. The answer to an I prepared to take care of him “HELL YES!!”
I’m a teacher in a severe disabilities class and I know what it takes. In fact I believe GOD put me in that class for a reason. I have used my skills I’ve learned in the class handing my students and transferred that to caring for my dad. My place of employment is not even a 1/4 mile from my house. So, on my breaks & lunch I run home to say HI and make sure he’s OK. ( did that when he visited twice this year) I took care of him during the summer when we battled cancer together.

So, now what’s your outlook on all this? I’m headed to file my paperwork with the county and go visit him tomorrow. It’ll be interesting because my mother will immediately call the sheriff to escort me off her property. I’ll show my POA and then what? Anyone have advice. Wait! My parents are selling their house and my mother is not letting me get any of my things I’ve stored there! She told my father “she doesn’t have anything here”, “I Don’t have a daughter”.
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You are taking on a lot but you already know that. I think living with the knowledge of your fathers condition while you do nothing would eat you alive over time. Your mother needs cognitive assessment. She may be burned out as a caretaker and/or have her own problems. If your dad will go with you, get him the help he needs. Make an appointment with the VA and go from there. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Thunder5 Dec 27, 2018
Wow! Thank you! It’s my intent to reestablish care here in Louisiana with the VA and local dr’s again in town. Yes, it will eat me up to keep this situation going. I do think my mother needs an evaluation she’s 69, OCD and narcissistic. How does one go about that? The ideal situation would be for the both of them to come live with me we have to full bedrooms upstairs and a full bath. I have two teenage sons 15 & 13, that have watched their grandma be verbally abusive to their grandfather. They have formed their own opinion. I really just want my mother to “BE NICE or PLAY NICE” so I don’t have to exercise my POA’s. She’s told all dr’s in AL not to communicate with me and taken me off the HIPPA’s. I’m at a point where if she’s going to keep playing NASTY I’m going to submit my POA’s and excercise my rights...HELP
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