My dad's been in the hospital for 5 months. He moves to a long term care home tomorrow! I am so nervous and sad for him. Any advice?

It would be ok to be heartbroken if your father had died. To be heartbroken that your father is alive and moving into comfortable surroundings in long term care is unwarranted, my friend. Chin up. Think of things differently here, with a positive attitude knowing he'll be cared for by a team of people, given his medication properly, fed 3 hot meals a day & snacks, have activities to amuse him and other people his age to canoodle with. It's a win-win situation.

Set up some facetime meetings and the window visits are a lot better than you THINK they are. My mother lives in Memory Care and we go over for a window visit every Sunday & it's FINE. She's sitting not 2 feet away from us & we're showing her photos of the great grandkids on our phones. I also bring her treats & snacks, new tops & necklaces, etc., and just brought her a bottle of Versace perfume for her 94th birthday.

It's all enough, what you're doing, so be happy he's alive and living in a safe environment. Ditch the guilt and the sorrow and find joy in the fact that you KNOW your dad will be well cared for moving forward and OUT of the hospital!

Good luck!

Imho, you've done the right thing by placing your dad in the long term care home. Please do not hold onto regrets. Prayers sent.

People who live and work in congregate care facilities have priority for vaccinations. Maybe soon his facility will be able to open up to visitors again. Everything is difficult during the pandemic, but our parents are tougher than we expect.

It's been the toughest of years. My 94 year old mom was living with me for the past 3 years. I could tell she was going to need more care but she was "stubborn" about getting any other help. I also work full-time, and am a single homeowner. She fell and suffered a stroke. The hospital wanted to send her home and I could not take care of her. She's continued to decline but we had her in a super nice AL. Unfortunately over Christmas she suffered a UTI which made her really go crazy and she kept trying to escape. So NOW she had to be moved to a nursing home. But before we could get her moved closer to us she was COVID-19 positive! The hits just really keep on coming! Thank goodness she has survived it all and had only very minor symptoms. Even the staff is amazed at her resiliency. But at what cost? I checked on her the other day and after 2 weeks it was heartbreaking. She's in such a tiny room with a roommate and is in total lockdown! I just hate how her life will come to an end. She is surrounded by strangers and we are 2 hours away. She also lost her phone! This year has been a battlefield. I just try and look at the positives. She is not suffering, she is not in pain, she said she feels good and she can walk, talk and still feed herself. So the little blessings will have to do. Prayers to you. That is really young to have to have that amount of care. Hang in there!

Charlene, consider all the positives. Your father will be close to family, his meds will be administered properly, he will get meals and be safe. You’d be surprised at how his belongings will be put away in some order. Soon you’ll be able to go in and better organize and spend quality time with him. Instead of being a tired, irritable caregiver you can be the caring, attentive daughter.

Bless your heart. I had to place my dad in assisted living with COvid restrictions. He looked back at me like a worried little boy on the first day of kindergarten. However, the socialization from the staff was so good for him. He enjoyed them and they were very sweet to him. I could not handle him alone, either. Ask God for wisdom, clarity and insight. I had to remind myself that my dad was “safER” himself and to others he could have injured while driving and not making safe decisions. This is a great forum for support and insight. Everything will be okay. Warmly, Sunny

If he can manage phone calls, use the phone as a way to connect. If you can, read him short poems or better yet sing old familiar songs. People with dementia can remember song lyrics and tunes even when they can't remember much else. That's why LTC homes run so many music programs. Covid has eliminated much of that enrichment for them. Hopefully, that will change soon! My mom used to enjoy my reading aloud about actresses and actors of the Golden Hollywood era. She didn't have to keep track of a story line but was very engaging for her. I was able to bring in a preprogrammed telephone with big buttons so that she didn't have to remember phone numbers. I pray that soon we will be able to live a more normal life so that you can be able to see your dad in person and therefore be a better advocate for him. Along with the vaccines, they are coming up with better treatments too! In the meantime, take this enforced separation and make the best of it by taking care to get enough sleep, fresh air, exercise, and nutrition. When you are at your best, you can be of better help to your dad.

Talk with administration about setting up "window visits" and phone calls as part of his/your routine. Expect that he will not be able to have visitors "in person"
for 2 weeks until he is cleared for COVID. After that time period, ask administration if they can set up "patio visits" where he can have in person visitors as long as everybody stay socially distanced.

Given his age and health problems, he should be able to receive the COVID vaccine soon. Please make sure he gets it. Then, visitation restrictions will be lessened later in the year.

Hoping the move went as smoothly as possible. I totally understand what you are going through since my mom moved into AL during COVID. Visiting her now is not possible. Looking forward to the warm weather and hopefully outdoor visits. I know the heartache and guilt you bear. You dad is in a place that can care for him. He will interact with others. I tell myself this all the time and I know how hard it is to believe. COVID is making life very difficult. We will both cherish the time when we can visit our loved ones. Stay strong

Charlene, how did the transfer go?

It’s a heartbreak for sure !!! Especially during COVID .. try to arrange FaceTime/zoom everyday
visit thru glass as often as you can
drop off specials treats and small gifts with notes.
make sure he’s got tv alexa iPad
it’s best we can do .. there’s no easy answers for this... good that he’s close to your place .. assure him he’s getting good care and is safe place... and check in with staff nurses regularly... everyday to start ... make sure everything okay with dad.
it’s difficult and sad for so many of us ... but we’re doing best we can with impossible situation .
good luck

You can call him of course and talk to him and ask the director of nursing to set up a call with a caregiver a few times initially so you can ask questions and get her assessment. If he is able, maybe you can get him a tablet like an IPad for visual calls; talk to facility and see if they can help with that or if they can set up a call with him in front of a computer or laptop. He is really young for this; so sorry he will lose these years. Did they give you any idea what type of dementia he has? That may help you figure out how to help him and what he might benefit from.

I wasn't very explicit or thorough in my earlier post.  What I wanted to suggest, but forgot to, is to focus on cards that reflect your father's interests, as well as your relationship with each other, and compliment him.    Let him know how much you care for him, and how glad you'll be when you can be together again.

Uplifting, comforting and consoling words can help him look forward to the days when you can be together again.

Covid has definitely made these things VERY challenging. The not being able to visit and assist are so difficult. My mom had surgery and for past surgery/hospitalizations I have always been there to help her through the times when it was really hard for her to lobby for herself and make decisions.

You can call his nurse every day or two and see how he's doing.

I'm surprised that he was in the hospital for that long! 73 is a bit young for dementia but certainly not unheard of.

Best of luck!

I am placing my Mother in assisted living w/ memory care. She has dementia and just broke her him. The AL Manager told me to get a Drs. note that it is detrimental to my mothers health to not see her family. With that note, we can get in for visits. Also, if we do her medications for her, we can go in. Not sure if that is how it is in all places but worth looking into. Good luck. Watching your parents age is no easy task.

Some of this has been touched upon, but it bears repeating along with additional suggestions. Some of this, of course, will be difficult or impractical during the present COVID situation. When my mother was in a nursing home, I made a point of getting to know the staff, and greeting them by name when I saw them. When I visited and one of them brought us anything or helped in any way, I thanked her (or him). It helped that my mother was easy to get along with, and some of the aides would even gave her a hug when they came in. If we needed something, I asked in a friendly manner, and unless it was something needed urgently, I would preface it by "when you have a moment" or perhaps offer to get it from their station if that was a possibility (it also gave me an excuse to get a break and move around). If there was a problem, I didn't assume the first staff member I saw was the cause of it or could solve it, but if otherwise, I didn't "attack" the person without having a discussion to get all the facts. In short, the better the staff knows you, and the more they know you appreciate them and are doing your best to make their jobs as pleasant as possible for them, the more "dividends" it will pay in the care your LO receives. If a place turns out to be bad, then by all means look for another place, but in any case it's important to avoid going in "with a chip on your shoulder".

I don’t know if this is allowed at your dad’s facility but a friend of mine placed her mom awhile back in a nursing home.

She became friendly with the staff and asked if she could FaceTime with her mom everyday.

They agreed. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a nurse or social worker.

My friend said that the activity director has more time to volunteer for her request to help her mom FaceTime.

The nurses are swamped with work and won’t have time.

Best wishes to you and your family.

This is so relatable! Mom was in skilled nursing post brain bleed and stuck there for quite a while due to covid. She’s just been moved to Memory Care and the whole decision making process has been brutal. This has been so emotionally difficult and due to various circumstances continues to be a LOT of work. But I keep reminding myself there is a TEAM of people helping her, and what I also have done is kept friends and family posted with her phone # and address and encourage them to call and send things. Fyi mom tells me no one ever calls or contacts her but they do!!! One former neighbor even sent her some pomegranates, how fun is that!

Knowing that people are contacting her is a huge help. Plus last time I called I heard one of her MC neighbors helping her open the window, and he sounded very pleasant. She’s getting more interaction that she would in her own place, or mine ( which would also be impossible! ) Lastly...I’ve been sending her chocolate! Holiday chocolate, fun chocolate to share, etc...

Huge hugs and thank you for posting on this topic

Following Barb's and Sarah's suggestions, soft, cuddly and comfortable coverings, including the fleece throws for sitting in a wheelchair, and cards.

Does he have a CD player, or one of the more contemporary devices on which he can play his favorite songs?   And will there be a tv in his room with a music only channel?

When a relative had cardiac surgery, I selected a few dozen cards from my collection, used the old rubber stamps that used to be popular a decade or so ago, and stamped the envelopes as close to the theme of the card as I could.  

I had cards for good days, bad days, encouragement, just plain relaxation, etc.   E.g., this was during the summer, so I chose cool cards, sea mammals and blue green themes, then wrote comments along with the rubber stamped animals and mammals.  

I also had some MomCat stamps, a few showing MomCat working out (with comments for my relative not to even consider this until completely healed).   It really was  a lot of fun selecting the stamps and figuring out cute sayings.

Your father can open them, remember and think fondly of you, and hopefully not be as lonely.

The long term care home will be a much nicer place for him than the hospital. They are often lovely places with lovely environments with a lot of activities and kind staff to look after the residents. A long term care home will be the best place. for him and you will be able to focus on the fun things with him when you can visit from now, rather than the necessities.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please know you’re still a caregiver, now one with a bit different role. Even though covid undeniably makes all this so much harder, there are still ways to watch over his care and make him know he’s loved and cared about. Try to make “friends” with the staff that will be working with him, get to know their names and ask them about their lives. It’s a help in finding out more about how dad is doing. Your kindness to them will often result in kindness to your dad. Send in items from his home that will make him feel welcome and more familiar. Call him regularly and keep the conversation light and positive. I wish you both well

Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you. I understand that would be difficult to care for him on your own, so please know you’ve made the right decision for you and him. This darn Covid is making everything so much more difficult.

Are you able to send him a care package? Notes and pictures (maybe a photo album) and cozy socks and a blanket or a relaxing ,color changing bedside light. Could he have an iPad (with a kid safety cover) where you could FaceTime?

Im sorry you’re going through this. Please update when you can. Huge hugs to you!!!

I can only imagine that your dad will be SOOOO happy to be out of the hospital!

Call him each day at a set time. Send him funny cards, drawings that the grands have made.

Covid has made these sorts of tough decisions even harder than they were before. ((((((((Hugs))))))))