Follow
Share

My dad is demanding & scared, & I am the "filling" in this negative sandwich. Help! Dad is 97, has wet macular degeneration in one eye, is deaf in one ear and is negative most of the time because he is no longer independent. My husband is a negative person basically, and while we thought we could provide a home for my parents (mom died once they were settled here), he has grown very tired of trying with my dad. Also, I think my husband is jealous of the time I spend "catering" to dad, as he calls it, and he is now uncomfortable with anyone living in the house with us. My husband has depression and has been showing symptoms of paranoia for 5 years. He is also 67. His mom died of complications of Alzheimer's and his dad had prostate cancer for 17 years until it finally spread to his brain an he died as well. They lived across the country, however, and we seldom saw them. My husband's lack of compassion and selfishness, which he admits to, is a great sadness to me. I lose my temper and then feel like I'm not a good wife. The house is small and it bothers my dad to hear us argue and I'm sure he feels my husband's dislike and coldness. Dad is scared that he will have to go to a nursing home and I think he feels it will completely rob him of any dignity and independence. We don't live in the same state where my parents did and where their few remaining friends and acquaintances are. Dad has his own room and sitting room combination but prefers to spend his time with us. He is a great talker and pays no attention to what we might be doing, just interjecting and interrupting whenever. My husband has decided that dad is annoying on purpose, but dad has memory loss and can't remember so much - and knows it, which is scary for him, I'm sure. I feel like I could deal with my father if my husband could show just a little more understanding and compassion and overlook his annoying personality. Dad constantly drums his fingernails, or rubs his shoes together so they squeak, or turns his rotating chair so it squeaks. He says he just a nervous type, but it drives you crazy. He is also not a person who has every said please or thank you, just points at what he wants and expects to be waited on. I grew up with this and have learned over 67 years to just let it go, but my husband just can't. He has some physical issues of his own, but they both do not like doctors and all suggestions fall on "deaf ears". The only one I want "fix" here is me. How do I survive the atmosphere and provide a home for my father and not lose my husband? It's too late to tell me I shouldn't have taken my parents in and now I see no way out that won't break my father's heart and take away his final bit of independence and dignity. He and my mom were married for 71 years and never was there such a lonely soul as he is since she died. My husband didn't like visiting his parents at the end of their illnesses, and while my dad doesn't have that kind of illness, my husband doesn't like, and won't, spend any time alone with him. Dad doesn't need to be watched every minute, and I take long walks, go to the health center, visit neighbors, work in the garden and yard, sew and read. My husband and I do many projects together around the house and have a normal sex life for folks our age. Both my dad and my husband need special diets - and they don't eat the same things usually. Dad eats everything and he really expects to eat and 8 am, 12 noon and 5 pm. I spend a lot of time grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, washing dishes. My husband is a picky eater, and skips meals sometimes and dad is constantly commenting on how that isn't good, asking him why don't you eat this or that, or offering him food that he can't remember? my husband doesn't eat. I remind my dad constantly not to do the things that drive my husband crazy. I am looking for a way to make this work, not a way out of it. And that is my main problem - I think I should be able to fix this. Harder and harder now that my husband is blaming his recent diabetes diagnosis on the stress caused by our living situation rather than his life long diet of carbs and sugar. I do have a good sense of humor and we used to laugh a lot. Now I have a harder and harder time dealing with the stress. Is there any hope for us??

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You're not going to change your father and you're not going to change your husband. All you can do at this point is change how their behavior affects you. They both sound like overgrown babies and they don't need to be fighting over "mommy" (you, in this situation).

If your husband gets miserable enough will he leave? If it gets to that point then you'll have to choose: husband or father. Until then let them be miserable while you continue with your hobbies and interests. Don't try to make things easier for either of them, that keeps you square in the middle. Your husband is a grown up. If your dad is bugging him then your husband can get up and walk away or go on an errand.

But when your dad points at something he wants, as in "get that for me", I'd draw a big old line right there and refuse until he can speak like a civilized person. This is may be something you can try to change.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

I agree with Ever's reply. I'm caught in the same way you are except between 3 people, my parents and my husband. But its tough no matter how you look at it, wish you luck and if you come with solutions that work, let us know.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Is a nursing home the only other option for dad? What about assisted living? He'd be around others his own age and there would be things for him to do, instead of constantly being underfoot as you and your husband try to live your life.

I know you're not asking for this kind of feedback, but in my opinion, your desire to help your dad is admirable, but not at the expense of your marriage. Your husband is your first priority, not your dad. I think there are other options that would possibly be even better (and more empowering) for your dad - where he can live a fuller life that's not so dependent on you for everything. He can't feel good, knowing he's the source of much unhappiness in your household. Good luck whatever you choose. It sounds like you've got your hands full with both of the men in your life.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Why should she cater to a man, who is jealous of a parent. Before you place in a nursing home to save your marriage, something to think about if He won't take care of your Dad; it follows he won't take care of you either.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Has your husband ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist? It sure sounds like he's got untreated depression or a personality disorder. Maybe his outlook would be improved by treatment.

As to your dad, I believe all elders are scared as they begin to face loss of independence, their mortality and the physical changes that come with aging. However, has YOUR DAD ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist? My mom refused all sorts of reasonable suggestions based on uninformed fear and anxiety. Getting these issues treated can relieve YOUR stress!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Do you have other family members who could take Dad for a week or so every now and again? I do agree they both need to be seen by a doctor for evaluation; medication may help one or both. It would certainly lessen your stress.

Would it be possible to contact social services for whatever assistance your Dad might qualify for in home or for respite care so you and hubby can get away for a few days or at the least a few hours a day during the week?

The situation just sounds emotionally unhealthy for all of you. My first responsibility is to my husband and always will be.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Granny67, sounds like a lot of male ego roaming around your household bumping into each other. Hubby doesn't like his father-in-law, and Dad doesn't like the man who married his little girl.

In reality, your Dad would have more independents by living in assistant living... he'd be around people of his own age group with a lot of new ears to listen to him :) And when it comes to meals, since he will eat everything, eating in the facility dining room would be easy for him. There would be activities and day trips he can attend. Some of these assistant living places are so nice you might want to move there yourself just to get away from those two guys :P
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Good grief, two little boys! Seriously I feel sorry for you. You husband sounds selfish and your dad is old. You are catching all the stress from both. If your husband doesn't want his father in law living with him then you probably need to find other arrangements for your father. I think your husband comes first even if he is a bit selfish. And I agree with who ever said don't expect a lot of compassion from your husband if you should get sick. My mother is like your husband and she turned her back on her parents and my dad when things got tough.

Take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You said, "I am looking for a way to make this work, not a way out of it."

Ain't gonna happen...you are seeking the impossible....Why impossible?
Because the operative word you use is "I" am seeking.....Your husband is not seeking the same thing....Result...Stalemate. Permanently.

Key is to cope with, not to make the problem go away...You CAN improve on the situation......Idea: Hubby goes out to the car and gets it warmed up....You get ready to go out to eat with hubby....Stop at front door and tell dad that his dinner is on the table and you will be back by about 8 or whatever....Close door and leave even if he is asking or saying something in return. Heartless?
Hardly....When you get back and he rants about it, just smile and say that you had plans with friends (each other) and say no more...if he persists just say you are not willing to discuss it.....

From what you say, I gather that such treatment will not change his endless chattering.....it may now include a measure (likely a large measure) of him railing and ranting....Repeat this going out routine at least every other day.

We can't change others......We can, with difficulty, change ourselves..

Your husband, yourself and your marriage come first as I see it. You ARE honoring dad already.

Your call....Tough words I know, but what price sanity?

Best,

Bob
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

I am wondering if you can afford to have 3-4 hours of companion care a few days a week to come into your home to offer you a break from caring for your Dad. I also believe you need your husband to be evaluated for his mental health concerns. It sounds like he needs meds and counseling. Then I think you would benefit from counseling. It sounds like you are trying to please everyone and need some support.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Both men are happy in the own way, they are having all their needs met. The only one missing out is you. Its like alcholics and drugs addicts they dont have a problem only the people who love them. Start to value yourself. Take one day off a week and see how the men cope. Ask for help and try carers groups.Peace & Love
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You say that the only alternate arrangement for your dad is a nursing home...what an assumption! Go take a look at independent living and assisted living centers! Your dad doesn't have to be lonely!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My dad took care of himself till he was 87 then had to go in hospital pneumonia and couldn't walk after 100days, of therapy I was helping him at home before he got sick running back and forth between two houses very stressful on me he is very demanding and I knew I had to find a nice place for him to be safe I looked at assisted living but they could not take him cause he's 2 person max assist care because he just stopped doing everything for himself so I found a group home just like living at home his own room home cooked meals cat dog if he likes animals other people his age to talk to and if you want to visit everyday you can I don't feel as stressed as I used to when he lived alone and I was running night and day between two homes I know that my dad could not live with me because he would need lots attention too which would also bother my husband and caretaking can ruin your health and your own life so I'm so great full to find a group home doesn't feel like a nursing home the only thing is that my dad still thinks he's in therapy and that he's going home one day I can't explain it to him he doesn't walk anymore and incontinent I can't do take care of him
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I'm not in your situation, but my heart hoes out to you.

For your stress I'd strongly recommend Mindfullness Training (YouTube have huge selection of clips... 10 mins first thing/at lunch/before bed... brilliant at calming the noise. And really makes you understand what you are feeling. Absolutely got me through my mum's illness and eventual death (Sept)
Now just a couple of deep breaths can get me into a lovely calm relaxed state.

If only you could get your husband to do the same.
I agree he needs to see doctor. But the situation must indeed be super stressful for him. Especially as your house IS so small.

Is there a local daycentre you could take Dad to? If he is super chatty he make like it (and that audience have not heard all his stories before!)

You do need to start standing up for yourself a bit though, as you are absolutely an enabler in your mens' behaviour.
My dad sounds similar to yours. Like you I had learned to just let his personality wash over me because I used to clash with him all the time.
We now have a happy medium. I listen to him 99% nice and patient, but the elements of his personality that overstepped the mark I pull him up on (nicely)
His tendency to whinge and bitch about my siblings behind their backs was in particularly destructive. I have told him I will no longer listen when he starts bitching... have told him he should stip focussing on what he does not like in us, and focus on what is good. (I realised we had soaked up this trait and were all doing it! Not loving at all. Now trying to live by 'if you can't say something nice, say nothing'. We'd all be happier and more popular if we did.

So select the 'deal breaker' top 3 traits, and refuse to put up with/enable them. Goes for your dad and your husband.

I can't help but think your dad, at 97, could die any minute. So your time spent with him is precious.
But ensure you make seperate time for your marriage.
Day centres for dad? Respite stays for him so you can get away, or just have the house to yourselves for maybe 3-5 days?
Carers or friends/relatives coming to look after him so you and hubby can get away?

But make a conditin of some of this that your husband seek help for his depression, and does some meditation himself/with you, to bring his spirit back into balance.

Big virtual hug, you sound like someone I would be great friends with. What a lovely person you are!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

If you are determined to make this work, then you'll have to step back and see how they do when you have taken some time for yourself.

I'd like to mention that your husband may feel some anger or jealousy because his parents were across the country and he saw very little of them throughout their last years yet you parents have lived with you. Right or wrong, this needs to be considered. It's not as if he didn't give anything at all. He now has health issues, including depression and paranoia. He could even be having early signs of dementia and he may be aware of that and frightened.

You can only handle so much. As was mentioned by others, there are some excellent assisted living facilities where your dad would have company and may actually feel less dependent than he does under this current situation.

You can only handle so much. Your husband has illnesses he can't help and you may collapse yourself, mentally and/or physically if you don't make changes. To me it's either accept how things are and step back to see what happens when you decide to take some time off or make changes that will enable you all to have a less stressful life.

None of this is easy and no one but you can make these decisions for you. We're here to listen, however. Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It sounds like you take good care of yourself, which should always be your first concern. If you don't take good care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. Do you have any siblings that could take Dad out for the day now and then or even just come and spend some time with him so that you could spend more time with your husband? Do you have children that would like to spend some time with Grandpa? I wish you well. I moved back home with my Dad about a year after my Mom passed away. My Dad and your Dad sound pretty similar. I'm not married, but when my boyfriend comes to visit, things can get challenging because Dad still wants to be the center of attention. Unfortunately, my brothers are too busy to help.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

First a pat on the back for caring for your parents in their last years. It appears your father at 97 is really quite healthy, this will however slowly change so the demands will increase over time. I think he is probably trying to get used to the loss of your mother and the scary feelings come from aging without her by his side. You and your devoted care is lessening the loss. As far as the please and thank yous they become less common as the elder becomes more needy. It doesn't mean he does not appreciate what you do.

Your husband seems to come from a different family structure and has not been used to helping his own elderly parents. He likes being around happy, healthy people and I think he is more scared of your dad as a symbol of what is ahead for him because after all he is 67 not 47. The old if I am not seeing the state of elderly people I will not age myself ---good luck with that --not the real world.

Your husband should help with your father because he loves you and wishes to help you out.

However, you can always get a home health aide in to lessen the load on you if he refuses to help. This would give the 2 of you more time together and since the husband resents and wants all of your attention, you can give him more.
I think over time you will find a balance but I don't think the husband's demands are realistic, so you will have to adopt an attitude where his dislike rolls off your back.

I would be worried that in 20 years if I need his help for a medical problem, he may not be capable of stepping up to the plate.

Good luck, you deserve better treatment. Sorry to hear of your mother's recent passing also.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I don't know the general health of your father. Macular degeneration in one eye and loss of hearing in an ear doesn't have to be debilitating. Does he have other physical problems? From what you wrote, he sounds very social and willing to interact with other people. I wonder if he would like to go to the senior center in your area, meet other people -- maybe a special lady, maybe learn to dance, and get back into living. If he gets back into living, your problems may work themselves out.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Dad can't change any of the annoying, repetitive things he does. and you are correct...he is frightened and if you put him in a home it will break his heart. Moreover, you may end up going thru an anguished grieving for years which is based on guilt...even though it's not warranted. Add to that...you will not find it easy to forgive your husband. You've been a good wife and it sounds to me like your husband has some issues that may be from dementia or Alzheimer's. And everyone's dementia carries with it the basic personality of the person themselves. Your husband's selfishness will get more so. In the end your depression will likely surpass his. I don't think he resents not having spent more time with his parents instead of yours. He admits his own selfishness...and that's usually a character trait that everyone close to him is victim of. I went thru a similar situation with my own husband and a parent and I can only tell you what I wish I had done. I wish I had told my husband to do what he had to in order to be happy and that I would do what I had to in order for me to be happy. Bottom line.....I would have cared for my mother in my home until her last breath. and made sure my husband had everything he needed to set up housekeeping in his own small apartment.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Stop catering yourself to them so much and give priority to some of your needs. Make sure to spend private alone time with your husband. Look for adult daycare for your father. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat to either of their needs. That is how you make it doable.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I know people on this board are going to get tired of reading this but I'm going to repeat it again for you.

I've had two psychiatrists tell me that the nursing home is the best place for people with dementia/Alzheimers especially if it gets to the point where it's either you or them.

It looks like this is an either you or them situation.

You believe that the best place for him is with you. However, it looks like this is affecting your husband. He's stressed. People crack. At some point it will be like plugging a 220 electrical system into a 110 circuit. It WILL explode.

That being said...are YOU sure this isn't your husband wanting out of the marriage, perhaps using your father as an excuse?

Wow, so many things to consider.

You're going to have to sort them out. You will have to sit down with your husband and have a really good heart to heart talk, without your dad, whose life is definitely compromised.

Are you going to allow a person whose life is basically 'gone' to ruin your marriage?

Do you even have a marriage? Have the 'good years' of your marriage been compromised by two elders living with you, both of whom required your attention?

I have another question: What if you get sick? How will your husband react to that?

You have to decide which one you're going to attend to, either your husband or your dad.

Is your husband being treated for his 'paranoia'? Is it real or are you assuming he's paranoid?

You're living on top of a potential pack of dynamite that is just waiting to explode.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Granny67,

I'm truly sorry that you have such a situation going on with your father and husband.

First of all......you've stated that your living quarters are small. Now even if you feel that your husband isn't being as welcoming of your father and all of that.......this is after all your husband's space too. If he never experienced this w/his own parents, you cannot realistically expect him to be o.k. w/much of the attention going towards the care of your father. Often times well meaning children take their parents into their own homes to later discover that the day to day committment and tolerance by all concerned, hardly matches, "good intentions."

I'm beginning to wonder about this view at times by caregivers, who cling to the belief that by keeping a parent in their home, or living with them.......maintains their independence. Think about it, usually these elders still need people coming in to do many things for them. It appears that this is where you find yourself at the is time.
Maybe caregivers need to give this more thought. Ask yourself, is dad REALLY being independent, or am I (his daughter & CG) unwilling to see that my father requires way more attention than I am able to give to him.
Your husband is having his own health issues. When anyone is not feeling their best, it's understandable, that he would end up feeling some competition towards the attentions you need to spend on your father. I'm married. Hence,
I strongly feel that your first responsibilities should go towards your husband.

Is there any way you could find some kind of assisted living arrangement for your father? I recently visited a home........and I was impressed by the social interaction between seniors. This could be a healthier choice for your father, and definitely for your marriage.

I do hope that you find some solutions to this, because it really sounds as if it is causing too much stress on you and your husband.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I so agree with the previous two posters. My mother got her independence BACK when she moved into a facility. She was able to take herself to the medical office to see a doctor when she had concerns, had a geripsych who visited her in her own room every two weeks, had friendships and went to activities and exercise class.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I feel for you! I've been a caregiver for 6 years and the last three have been with my Mom in my home. Something that has helped me gain perspective a lot is to remember that the person who moved in with me is not the person Mom has become due to illness and dementia. Her mental and physical declines are not her fault, but it means that she is no longer completely capable of independent thought and, although I try not to argue, I have become more direct about giving her instructions. There is a difference between taking someone in and trying to keep them happy all of the time; that is an impossible task. My mom swings between acting like a little girl and being bossy, and she likes to boss my husband around about his diet. One day I told him privately to just stand up for himself when she starts that. He finally did, although not in a rude way, and it has helped. Having the household run by an elderly senior citizen can be about as difficult has having it run by unruly toddler. Be gentle with yourself - you can only do so much! Big hugs! If you lived closer, we'd go out for coffee!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I went through issues with my husband being jealous while we took care of my mother. The dementia makes the patient act like little children who are selfish and do not understand that they need to have common social etiquette. If you want your marriage to be there when Dad is gone, you are going to have to make an effort to spend time with your husband just by yourselves.

Everyone in the house is effected by the stress of care giving. I hired help so that I could have a regular date night with my husband. My Mom would pout, not eat her dinner and sometimes give the caregiver problems. You wouldn't stay home to cater to a child that acted that way so why do so with a dementia patient.

My husband had a right to feel jealous when my mother took the best part of my energy all day long and there was nothing left for him. She would constantly interrupt any opportunity we took just to talk together. She would stand in front of the TV during the sports games and try to talk. We both loved her and each other but it was a very stressful time. I went to counseling to deal with the overwhelming feelings of everyone wanting a piece of me. I had to learn to set boundaries for my own survival.

Communication is very important.during these times. A support group or counseling for yourself could give you more ideas on handling your situation.

It isn't fair that your Dad gets everything he wants and is allowed to get by with that behavior. He needs some boundaries even in his condition. This may be at the crux of your husband's complaint. You may find him more helpful and understanding if he didn't feel that he had to give up everything in his life for your Dad. This is his home too. Try to imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

It's always hard to give advice when you aren't living in the shoes of the person who has a difficult situation going on. I guess you just have to look at the bottom line. It is very kind of you to have taken in your parents but you and your husband are a team and must make decisions mutually. My mother only came to live with us when my husband suggested it - otherwise I would never have done it. It is my husband's home and life that he has worked hard for. I can not disregard his opinions and feelings - no matter how they conflict with mine. We are all selfish to some degree, even 'martyrs' sometimes do what they do because they like to be needed and that in itself is a type of selfishness. The last time my mother got ill my husband did not want her to remain with us and I had to make other arrangements - broke my heart - she died in a nursing home. But I feel better knowing I did what my husband asked me to do and it might have been a lot worse if I ignored him and just did what I wanted to do. I believe that our husbands come first before our parents - even though we might no always want to see it that way. It really seems, by your post, that you are trying to consider your husband's feelings and that's a really good thing. He needs your understanding, compassion and love right now too. It is very hard to be a caregiver - especially when the person is not your own flesh and blood. I will pray that you make the right decision!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I would hire a social worker to come out to house, and facilitate some decisions about what your days & hours of "work" are, exactly. Also what are your job duties, exactly. Spell eveything out, put it in LARGE print, laminate it and post it in several prominent spots. Especially above the toilet (and that copy shoule have higlighed, 'woman of the house not responsible for pee on or around toilets').
It sounds to me like you're expected to do everything, all the time, for two demanding unappreciative males, and you're not getting paid, no vacations, and no end in sight. Nobody can do this. If they won't agree to "hire" you on YOUR terms, walk away. Go on strike and see who they're gonna find to replace you. Pretty soon their behavior might improve.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You have a high tolerance for men who behave badly. That said, there is a tone of desperation in your story. At a minimum, Please talk to some nursing homes with "day-stay programs" for your Dad. one or two days a week he will hate, hate, hate it, for about the first 10 or so visits. You already put up with complaining and more so get something out of it that does you some good. You will love your days off duty and Dad will eventually develop some new friends and settle into the routine. He may never tell you that but if he is unhappy whats the difference for you except you have one or two days to do other things important to you. Your husband is another issue and please be sure he is getting all the therapeutic mental help you can find for him. God bless you with your difficult decisions but stand firm because neither of these men are capable of giving you any help.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

omg how sad. I always believe in talking talking talking. Would your husband want you to put him in a nursing home some day? Can he put himself in your dads shoes and just think about how afraid he is? Imagine kicking your dad out to a strange place? I cannot imagine being old and living with my child and them wanting to kick me out, I would just die if they did, like most do. Talk to your selfish husband and chose who you want to take care of if they cant get along. Chances are if you got ill your husband wouldnt take care of you either, how sad, I feel so bad for you. Maybe you can hire someone in the evenings to come in and help out or play cards with your dad. Best of Luck with this awful situation, XO
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

PS my mom has been living with us 7 years, non verbal, non mobil and incontinent. My husband is very supportive and even helps me. I am very lucky but I do understand the no privacy time together issue.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter