My dad is demanding & scared, & I am the "filling" in this negative sandwich. Help! Dad is 97, has wet macular degeneration in one eye, is deaf in one ear and is negative most of the time because he is no longer independent. My husband is a negative person basically, and while we thought we could provide a home for my parents (mom died once they were settled here), he has grown very tired of trying with my dad. Also, I think my husband is jealous of the time I spend "catering" to dad, as he calls it, and he is now uncomfortable with anyone living in the house with us. My husband has depression and has been showing symptoms of paranoia for 5 years. He is also 67. His mom died of complications of Alzheimer's and his dad had prostate cancer for 17 years until it finally spread to his brain an he died as well. They lived across the country, however, and we seldom saw them. My husband's lack of compassion and selfishness, which he admits to, is a great sadness to me. I lose my temper and then feel like I'm not a good wife. The house is small and it bothers my dad to hear us argue and I'm sure he feels my husband's dislike and coldness. Dad is scared that he will have to go to a nursing home and I think he feels it will completely rob him of any dignity and independence. We don't live in the same state where my parents did and where their few remaining friends and acquaintances are. Dad has his own room and sitting room combination but prefers to spend his time with us. He is a great talker and pays no attention to what we might be doing, just interjecting and interrupting whenever. My husband has decided that dad is annoying on purpose, but dad has memory loss and can't remember so much - and knows it, which is scary for him, I'm sure. I feel like I could deal with my father if my husband could show just a little more understanding and compassion and overlook his annoying personality. Dad constantly drums his fingernails, or rubs his shoes together so they squeak, or turns his rotating chair so it squeaks. He says he just a nervous type, but it drives you crazy. He is also not a person who has every said please or thank you, just points at what he wants and expects to be waited on. I grew up with this and have learned over 67 years to just let it go, but my husband just can't. He has some physical issues of his own, but they both do not like doctors and all suggestions fall on "deaf ears". The only one I want "fix" here is me. How do I survive the atmosphere and provide a home for my father and not lose my husband? It's too late to tell me I shouldn't have taken my parents in and now I see no way out that won't break my father's heart and take away his final bit of independence and dignity. He and my mom were married for 71 years and never was there such a lonely soul as he is since she died. My husband didn't like visiting his parents at the end of their illnesses, and while my dad doesn't have that kind of illness, my husband doesn't like, and won't, spend any time alone with him. Dad doesn't need to be watched every minute, and I take long walks, go to the health center, visit neighbors, work in the garden and yard, sew and read. My husband and I do many projects together around the house and have a normal sex life for folks our age. Both my dad and my husband need special diets - and they don't eat the same things usually. Dad eats everything and he really expects to eat and 8 am, 12 noon and 5 pm. I spend a lot of time grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, washing dishes. My husband is a picky eater, and skips meals sometimes and dad is constantly commenting on how that isn't good, asking him why don't you eat this or that, or offering him food that he can't remember? my husband doesn't eat. I remind my dad constantly not to do the things that drive my husband crazy. I am looking for a way to make this work, not a way out of it. And that is my main problem - I think I should be able to fix this. Harder and harder now that my husband is blaming his recent diabetes diagnosis on the stress caused by our living situation rather than his life long diet of carbs and sugar. I do have a good sense of humor and we used to laugh a lot. Now I have a harder and harder time dealing with the stress. Is there any hope for us??
You're a better person than me not wanting a way out ... but then again he's your Dad not his ... I know I would have taken my mom or dad in a heart beat but unfortunately they passed away many years ago ... Much different people than the in laws ... I certainly and unknowingly married DOWN in that catagory! UGH
Your father is 97 years old. If it weren't for your husband, you probably wouldn't have much of a problem just dealing with his forgetfulness, annoying habits, etc. It sounds like your husband is a boy that never grew up & doesn't want to acknowledge that his own habits caused his illness. It's easier for him to blame it on you & the situation. I wouldn't tolerate that at all---I'd be right up in his face telling him the truth: His lifetime addiction to sugar & carbs caused his own problem. It's nothing that you did. And it sounds like your husband wants you all to himself----the paranoia is causing him to think that your father is going to "steal you away" from him.
If your husband is experiencing paranoia, there may be something else besides just depression going on with him.
You wouldn't tolerate a child pointing at something & expecting to be waited on, do you? Then why do you tolerate it from your father? You're not a mind reader & if your father is physically able to get it himself, then tell him to do that. If I were you, I'd completely ignore him until he said something, & then I'd remind him that you are not a slave to his wants & needs, and that he must say please & thank you in order to get what he wants. Maybe your mother waited on him hand & foot, but you aren't your mother.
Pandering to either or both your father & husband is only perpetuating their child-like behavior & expectations of being waited on.
You should make it crystal clear to your husband that you have no intention of putting your father out, and if he doesn't like it, then he can find someplace else to live. Honestly, I don't know how you can have sexual relations with someone like that. You must have the tolerance of a saint. It is normal for people to lose their patience & tolerance with elderly folks, especially if they are not their own family members. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. And your husband is a big boy----let him say something to your father himself. Why do you have to be his voice?
When we accept the responsibility to take care of our elderly parents, we have to accept the quirks & character flaws & idiosyncrasies that they have. Most of the time, it's easier to let it go over your head than make a big deal out of it. Tell your husband to stop the crap & tell your father to stop the crap too, or else YOU are moving out & they can take care of each other!!!
Here are some things I do:
I look for places mom can go without me. Sometimes, I'll go with her the first time to explain what she's doing and how to get to it, but I have her take the senior ride service after that. I do have to make all the appointments, but we get a little time without her AND she gets out with people her own age. I'm finding that being with other memory patients helps her. However, as the memory experts tell me, it's also normal for a memory patient to go to something and enjoy it, but not remember they enjoyed it and to have to pretty much force them to go, each time.
I make a huge deal about how I spend time just with mom, just with spouse, all together, and a little me-time (less than I'd like, but it is what it is). I'm not saying it always works, but it seems to help a little. That way, neither of them can claim to feel too abandoned. But with your husband having depression, I suspect none of this might help the situation with him. He might have to go see someone about the depression and I suspect it won't be easy to get him to go. However, that's the only thing I can see truly helping your situation is that he gets help for his depression.
I go to a caregiver support group. It's my place to vent. I don't do it, here. I don't find that helps me. I need living, breathing human beings who nod with me when I'm telling how frustrated or angry I am. I need their personal advice to me and, when people have to look you right in the eyes to give it, they tend to take it pretty seriously.
By saying all this, I know I just pushed the burden totally onto you. I have found that if I want to get mom out of the house, I have to make it happen. That's just the bottom line. It's not that I think you should be responsible for everything but am just saying that there's probably no other way it will happen.
We only have to think how we would feel if we in a challenging situation and were made to feel we were stupid.
It so lovely that you have your cat & Dog, Dog walking kept me sane during the early stages when my husband had more difficult behavour. Love & Peace
But yeah, these guys are demanding and you do what you can and realize that there are thins you can't fix and limits you have to set. Hubby especially could do more and you are not wrong at all to stand your ground and insist some things get done by him, not you, or not at all. I too am kind of shy and unassertive at times but I found the "hney just a minute" method of rehab to work - you just have to do several other things first beofre you get to their request and they may get motivated to see if they can do it themselves. Hubby obviously has more potential to function better, and dad will unfortunately get worse. Building a relationship where he can trust you to help him when he can't help himself, and helping him know that though his memory is fading you will accept and help with that too, you will still respect and love him, would be the best you can expect.
My mom is 92 yrs. old with Alzheimer's.
She's probably in the mid stage. She like your dad, has her lucid days where she offers conversation. These days are rare though. She will make more of an effort to talk when it say like my sister, or me since she still remembers us.....and I guess she tries harder. I really don't know. Other than that her conversation skills are pretty low. She searches for words, many times not finding them. Anyway,
the only suggestion or what I noticed is you've said his GP didn't seem to find anything wrong. Is there a possibility of pushing this further, so at least he could get some medication for his behavior?
Definitely you are going to have to find a way to set strict boundaries with your father. My mom used to come into the living room w/her narcissistic sister (older than her), now deceased and stay on the couch the entire day watching tv.
Well, at first they'd be watching, but invariably fall asleep on the couch. My sister who moved in w/them to be the main CG, and administrate their care, would always complain about how they monopolized the living room. Then, for quite awhile.....my sister had no rules as it pertained their bedtime hour. So she put up w/this......having to hear their tv blaring til about 10:00 p.m. and she'd many nights would have a big fight w/our aunt the narcissist about they going into their bedroom to retire. My sister works a full time schedule out of the house, so she had to get to bed. Mother and her sister also had a tv in their bedroom, but seemed to insist they stay for hours on end in the living room. I told my sister that she was going to have to find a way to get them to their bedroom by a certain hour, no more staying up doing this. Well, actually.....it has only been until very recently, that she now has mother more in her own bedroom by a decent time in the evening. I'm telling you all of this, because I realize that each caregiver has their own challenges when it comes to a very stubborn senior. This was the reason I'd suggested earlier the possibility of getting him diagnosed. Maybe he would also get some medication to calm down.
You have my total admiration and support.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
The one challenge that I struggle with is dad's memory. If I thought I would only have to have this discussion once ( and then gentle reminders) it would be less daunting. But some days he can't remember what we had for lunch yesterday or what today is. Other times he is quite clear. He has had a few TIAs since losing mom, generally during stressful emotional times. And when you have had it your way for 70 of your 97 years, I imagine there will be some back sliding.
Also, Dad has lost so many words - is anyone else familiar with this? He can't remember nouns - what things are called. Example: He loves football, but can't remember words like "foul" or "touch down" or "goal line" or "refs" and certainly not the names of the teams or player positions. He is very frustrated by this and has been for years, nearly all of his retired life, and it just gets worse. It started with names of people and places - proper nouns - and now includes things and concepts. He tries to talk and then can't remember the words to tell you what he wants to say. I sometimes think he can't remember what he was just told because he is trying so hard to think of the words to say something he is trying to say. We have mentioned it to his gp but didn't get a response. My mother just provided the words for him, unless she was miffed about something. Theirs was a very subtle kind of disagreeing. No real arguing ever. I provide the words - gosh, I'm getting scary good at it. One of my sisters makes him search for the words until he gets it. Doesn't seem to make a difference to him. I do believe that is one of the reasons he doesn't want to make any new friends here. He can't talk without help with the words. I've watched him when the neighbors are here - they are so friendly to him and he is very stand-off-ish. Likes to disappear to his room, basically, after saying hello. He really would be so miserable in a nursing home situation. I had a care giver come in once a week with mom, but he had mom to furnish the words. He really doesn't want to have to try to talk to anyone but family members who understand his "condition" with words. If anyone has heard of this or has any experience I would love to hear about it.
They are not going to change so you are so right in seeing that it needs to be you to try to make it work.
First remember you have options, don't paint yourself in a corner, Dad can always go to a nursing home, husband can always become an ex-husband, I don't think that either one is treating you with the consideration that you deserve.
That said, I believe the only way to make it workable is to set boundaries. Talk to your husband and to your father and explain the real situation calmly and that for this to work with all three of you living there, compromises need to be made and boundaries set. You mentioned your father had his own living space but prefers to be with you and your husband - perhaps if he had to stay in room for a couple of hours in the evening that could reduce the strain on your husband, and if your father wants to stay out of a nursing home - he needs to comply. Perhaps a few adjustments of this type could make things better for all. Make some of your own rules as well - like your father saying please and thank you - and your husband not blaming you for his own issues. Any illness can be exacerbated by stress but diabetes is not caused by stress - don't open the door to your husband to do that blame game to you, especially if he is starting down the path to his own dementia
if will only get worse if you enable it. Not something to argue over either - in dealing with my own blame game husband with raging paranoia due to his dementia, I have just learned to say, sorry but that is not reality - I don't have time to discuss non reality issues right now and walk away, it helps him to understand what I am not going to put up with and it helps me because I am not engaged in some crazy argument with him that neither one of us is ever going to win.
It does sound like boundaries or rules will only be respected if you insist and I don't envy you trying to retrain two old dogs but your enforcement of the rules will be the only way it happens.
Good luck, your situation will most likely get worst - not better - at your fathers age a nursing home is probably in his not too distant future for safety and health reasons, so research them now and get a plan, try and work things out with your husband as well - but remember you need to think of your self and your happiness - perhaps a divorce lawyer on speed dial would help hubby to treat you a little better. My prayers and thoughts go out to you - and I admire you for being such a dedicated caregiver.
If you enable narcissists who don't offer an ounce of compassion they will continue to suck the life out of you. I know of no cure for narcissism. I believe it is terminal to the people around them if it is enabled.
Just say no!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Things are not always so black and white. Long-term exposure to cortisol can have bad effects on many things in the body. Home should be a place where people can live free of stress. If you can't feel safe at home, where can you feel safe?
It sounds to me like you're expected to do everything, all the time, for two demanding unappreciative males, and you're not getting paid, no vacations, and no end in sight. Nobody can do this. If they won't agree to "hire" you on YOUR terms, walk away. Go on strike and see who they're gonna find to replace you. Pretty soon their behavior might improve.
Everyone in the house is effected by the stress of care giving. I hired help so that I could have a regular date night with my husband. My Mom would pout, not eat her dinner and sometimes give the caregiver problems. You wouldn't stay home to cater to a child that acted that way so why do so with a dementia patient.
My husband had a right to feel jealous when my mother took the best part of my energy all day long and there was nothing left for him. She would constantly interrupt any opportunity we took just to talk together. She would stand in front of the TV during the sports games and try to talk. We both loved her and each other but it was a very stressful time. I went to counseling to deal with the overwhelming feelings of everyone wanting a piece of me. I had to learn to set boundaries for my own survival.
Communication is very important.during these times. A support group or counseling for yourself could give you more ideas on handling your situation.
It isn't fair that your Dad gets everything he wants and is allowed to get by with that behavior. He needs some boundaries even in his condition. This may be at the crux of your husband's complaint. You may find him more helpful and understanding if he didn't feel that he had to give up everything in his life for your Dad. This is his home too. Try to imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
I'm truly sorry that you have such a situation going on with your father and husband.
First of all......you've stated that your living quarters are small. Now even if you feel that your husband isn't being as welcoming of your father and all of that.......this is after all your husband's space too. If he never experienced this w/his own parents, you cannot realistically expect him to be o.k. w/much of the attention going towards the care of your father. Often times well meaning children take their parents into their own homes to later discover that the day to day committment and tolerance by all concerned, hardly matches, "good intentions."
I'm beginning to wonder about this view at times by caregivers, who cling to the belief that by keeping a parent in their home, or living with them.......maintains their independence. Think about it, usually these elders still need people coming in to do many things for them. It appears that this is where you find yourself at the is time.
Maybe caregivers need to give this more thought. Ask yourself, is dad REALLY being independent, or am I (his daughter & CG) unwilling to see that my father requires way more attention than I am able to give to him.
Your husband is having his own health issues. When anyone is not feeling their best, it's understandable, that he would end up feeling some competition towards the attentions you need to spend on your father. I'm married. Hence,
I strongly feel that your first responsibilities should go towards your husband.
Is there any way you could find some kind of assisted living arrangement for your father? I recently visited a home........and I was impressed by the social interaction between seniors. This could be a healthier choice for your father, and definitely for your marriage.
I do hope that you find some solutions to this, because it really sounds as if it is causing too much stress on you and your husband.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I've had two psychiatrists tell me that the nursing home is the best place for people with dementia/Alzheimers especially if it gets to the point where it's either you or them.
It looks like this is an either you or them situation.
You believe that the best place for him is with you. However, it looks like this is affecting your husband. He's stressed. People crack. At some point it will be like plugging a 220 electrical system into a 110 circuit. It WILL explode.
That being said...are YOU sure this isn't your husband wanting out of the marriage, perhaps using your father as an excuse?
Wow, so many things to consider.
You're going to have to sort them out. You will have to sit down with your husband and have a really good heart to heart talk, without your dad, whose life is definitely compromised.
Are you going to allow a person whose life is basically 'gone' to ruin your marriage?
Do you even have a marriage? Have the 'good years' of your marriage been compromised by two elders living with you, both of whom required your attention?
I have another question: What if you get sick? How will your husband react to that?
You have to decide which one you're going to attend to, either your husband or your dad.
Is your husband being treated for his 'paranoia'? Is it real or are you assuming he's paranoid?
You're living on top of a potential pack of dynamite that is just waiting to explode.