It can be a long held pattern in some couples. One is the Entertainer (Drama Queen) the other the Stoic Roadie.
If the Roadie gets ill, it upsets the pattern.
The Entertainer can sometimes switch roles & be the supportive one but unfortunately some just aren't built that way. They have to seek a new audience.
Just my observations... It sounds a bit toxic when I type it, oops Doesn't have to be!
In order to support Dad, Mom will need her own support system to support her.
But if Mom needs a stadium sized audience... as you are ONE person, yeah, you will get drained VERY quickly! Mom will have to cast wider, to friends, other relatives, community or church people.
"Exit the stage when the drama starts" was how one poster put it 😂
That was the story of my life with my aunt and mom. He's in heaven now and she is constantly giving us the business. We are just starting to preserve our health and sanity. We are going to stop giving in and setting boundaries. Some things will be difficult and she won't be abandoned, but we matter too. And as much as we love her, we can't pour from an empty cup.
Some people MUST be the center of attention. Just tell her to wait. “I’d love to help you with that mom, but first I need to spend some time with dad, or change dad’s sheets, or help dad eat,” etc.
The key to behavior correction is for you to be consistent, and stick To your guns.
When my father fell & broke his hip & was in the hospital getting surgery to repair it, my mother was kicking up a federal case about the black & blues on her arms to the point where she insisted I take her to the ER to be looked at. So, while dad was on the 4th floor, mom was on the first floor of the same facility, for no good reason except that she was craving the attention he was getting! The doctor in the ER asked her, "what are you doing here Josephine? You have black & blues on your arms, that's all." He sent her on her way with a bit of a scolding for wasting everyone's time, and that was the end of useless trips to the ER. I learned a good lesson that day myself: learn to ignore mother & all of her chronic carrying on!
Dad wound up dying later that year in 2015, and my mother is now 94.5 and living in Memory Care, still kicking up federal cases about everything & being the same drama queen she's been her whole life. To the degree that DH & I are 'on a trip to another state for 10 days' right now, incommunicado, just to get a break from her and all of her constant nonsense.
Set down some boundaries if you haven't already, about what you will & will not do for your parents (both of them), and then stick to that plan like glue. Otherwise, you'll be taking your mother to the ER for some imagined ailment and listening to the doctor asking her what she's doing there & giving her a scolding like he did mine! The sooner you make a list of rules, the better. For your own well-being more than anything else.
If the Roadie gets ill, it upsets the pattern.
The Entertainer can sometimes switch roles & be the supportive one but unfortunately some just aren't built that way. They have to seek a new audience.
Just my observations... It sounds a bit toxic when I type it, oops Doesn't have to be!
In order to support Dad, Mom will need her own support system to support her.
But if Mom needs a stadium sized audience... as you are ONE person, yeah, you will get drained VERY quickly! Mom will have to cast wider, to friends, other relatives, community or church people.
"Exit the stage when the drama starts" was how one poster put it 😂
The key to behavior correction is for you to be consistent, and stick To your guns.
Dad wound up dying later that year in 2015, and my mother is now 94.5 and living in Memory Care, still kicking up federal cases about everything & being the same drama queen she's been her whole life. To the degree that DH & I are 'on a trip to another state for 10 days' right now, incommunicado, just to get a break from her and all of her constant nonsense.
Set down some boundaries if you haven't already, about what you will & will not do for your parents (both of them), and then stick to that plan like glue. Otherwise, you'll be taking your mother to the ER for some imagined ailment and listening to the doctor asking her what she's doing there & giving her a scolding like he did mine! The sooner you make a list of rules, the better. For your own well-being more than anything else.
Good luck!