My Dad is living in filth. Brother doesn't care. Anyone have any advice?

I had this experience exactly with my dad after my mom died. Here's the deal: he's probably overwhelmed, somewhat forgetful, has diminishing energy and enthusiasm to keep after household tasks, and most of all -- lonely and sad. He's given up. As his concerned daughter, take the bull by the horns and work out some help for him -- whether it's hiring a housekeeper and elder companion to help him during the day, or whether it involves getting him enthused about moving closer to you so you can control things better and be of timely assistance to him on a regular basis. Don't listen to people who say "just let him live that way." That's cold and selfish of them, and heartless. He's your dad and he needs help, and love. Find a way to give him that in his frail years. You'll never regret it.

Sounds like you are feeling a little guilty for living your life with your children and not having enough time to go and help him too. Don't be! Your children need you. Hours in a day are truly factors beyond your control. Cook the meals for your dad from your OWN house and take them to put in the freezer when your husband can be home to watch the kids while you drive over there. My 92 year old MIL doesn't want to shower either. I have installed grab bars, have a shower seat in the walk in shower, turn on a space heater a half hour before she showers (even in the summer), run hot water to warm the tile walls of the shower..... you name it! I think she is afraid she will fall. My husband finally agreed to a modified shower schedule which went from daily down to Mon, Weds, and Fri, however... I do wash her bottom and change her underwear (depends) on a daily basis whether she likes it or not. She lives with me and this makes it easier (not easy) to do for her. When my father in law died I was too young to understand. When my father died 11 years ago, I saw how hard it is to help those you love leave this world with grace and dignity. My dad was 75. Sometimes it is best to try to work out the issues with your brother. There was a Wall Street Journal article where two brothers fought over mom and decided to get a guardian via the court. Worst decision EVER for them. The guardian companies cleaned the old folks savings out and left them high and dry. The article was just last week if you can find it to read. Best of luck to you. I hope you can not feel guilty and find a way to care for him. You know you could also buy some extra bed sheets so that you can change them when you deliver the food for the freezer. That way you can even take them home to bleach and clean them at your convenience. Then you know they will be changed at least weekly. Don't beat up the sister in law for not doing more. She can only do what her husband will allow her to do because the dad is not her own father. If your brother resists your suggestions? It's a pretty good bet that he resists those of his wife too.....In my case? I can only do for mother in law what my husband will allow.

Why would you hesitate to try and protect your father by calling APS? They are there to help make the situation better and offer some objective suggestions (and maybe orders) in order to keep your father safe. Your brother's attitude toward your father may have more to do with money and what he may inherit. I'm not as concerned about the bathing as I am about proper nutrition. Certainly there are houses which need cleaning, but if this is a hoarding situation, then an immediate intervention needs to occur. Call APS, as all calls are anonymous and let them investigate. You can only do so much from another state, and if your brother does not want to help your father, you can always file for guardianship. Something needs to be done.

Sorry. Can he afford an aide 1-2/week to help clean, shop, cook, bathe? Assisted living is great if he can afford it and be convinced to move. Brothers (and sisters) sometimes don't see dirt, poor eating, poor hygiene, and understand why it's a problem. My dad got sepsis and almost died. My brothers no longer speak to me because they could not see it. They saw a fridge full of food: I saw a fridge full of ROTTEN food. It's tough. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I am dealing with something similar with my mother. It's upsetting and hard. I am in a constant state of worry and wondering whether to let it be, since fighting about it with my mom takes such a toll on our relationship, or stepping things up--though not really sure what I can do, since my mom is so stubborn and desperate to retsin independence.

Maybe he is confused after stroke? You are correct; POA is financial, not about personal decisions unless he's declared legally incompetent by a doctor/judge. APS will make an unexpected visit and cannot divulge who called. (Maybe a neighbor.) can you afford an aide 1-2/week t

1karingdaughter,
I would definitely take action. If possible, write everything down. This will help you keep things organized in your mind as well. Take note of his eating, bathing, his living conditions & taking his meds. I greatly relate with sibling trust issues. Set that aside & focus on doing what is best for your dad. Call APS, or reach out to a social worker & talk everything thru with them, & see if you can get someone in there to do a deep clean for the house & how to deal with each point of concern. Your dad needs the intervention. It has to be hard on you- being far away with children, but don't be discouraged. Do all you can from where you are. Take courage, friend! I'm praying for you!!

I live with my mother who will be 76 on Monday. I moved in to be my father's caregiver when he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. He died in February and my mother has been chose to become a mess during the last 6 months of his life and got much worse. She will not bathe for days (19 was the longest period of time without) will not change clothes for sometimes 6 or7 days straight. She has been hospitalized twice for medication overdose and and acute kidney failure due to simple poor self care. I have power of attorney and itis WORTHLESS. The doctors, nurses and social workers tell me because she is lucid, she can make her own decisions and live how she wants. It is fine for her to not bathe or wear filthy clothes. I am considering moving out. I wish you luck. I understand your brother's possible frustration however. Stubborn parents are EXTREMELY difficult to help.

In my honest opinion this is definitely an APS call because he is at risk from infection to say the very least let alone falls, his house is at risk of infestation if it hasn't got it already and quite frankly his son is not acting appropriately on his behalf - I know that sound harsh but just telling it as I see it from the information you have given. You do need to check on the meds. An incredible amount of people (especially elderly ones) think that once they feel better they don't need to continue the meds.erm hello its the meds that make you and keep you well - I have to tell my mum that almost every day or she too wouldn't take her meds because she doesn't 'feel' ill

That sounds so sad! My heart goes out to you.

Sounds a bit like he has a hoarding problem which could be a sign of a deeper mental health issue which would need to be addressed either way. He may have developed dementia after his stroke as well.

Self-neglect and resistance to care is always a complicated and difficult issue for families. We must respect the autonomy of our elders. They have the right like everyone else to make poor decisions!! It's only when competence is a concern that we must step in and take steps to intervene.

Either way Protective Services can partner with you to look into getting your dad some help. This is a scenario they are very familiar with and kind of why they exist in the first place.

I agree with jeanne. He may not be taking his meds. And he may be lonely. Is it possible to have protective or social services or someone to come over a few days a week to check in on him? No one should have to live like that. He may be cranky, but take it in stride and do what is best for him. I know it is hard.

Yup. Sounds like it needs fixing. He "takes" medication for depression. Are you sure? Having a bottle sitting in the cupboard is not the same as taking it. If he is taking it, it doesn't seem to be working. A visit with the doctor is in order.

Call APS.

Daughter, it's really so sad to read how your father is living, and he's still really so young. He just seems to have given up, as if life is too overwhelming for him.

I'm not an advocate of bringing in APS, but this might be a situation in which they should become involved. Your father's health is most likely affected severely from the conditions; there's no point in him having to suffer any more than he already has.

If funding is an issue, maybe it's time to consider applying for Medicaid.

Yes, He takes medication for depression. Freqflyer, 13 years ago it wasn't this bad. I didn't have children of my own. Therefore I was able to go more often and somewhat keep the house clean. Now that I have 3 children I cannot go very often. Even when I could go more often it wasn't often enough it was like starting from scratch every visit. Of course he doesn't want to leave his home (who does) but I feel its time. His money has played out he barely has enough to pay his bills, sometimes not enough. He has started asking to borrow money from me and I do give it to him. My brother is useless. Daddy can ask him to help him do something and he will most times start cursing at him because its a bother. Who wants to see their parent(s) live this way when they don't have to.. Jeannequibbs It does need fixing. Its like he has just given up and don't care anymore. What I mean by filth is that there is dishes that never gets washed, bathroom floor slick with urine, toilet is beyond help, bathtub black with mold, bed sheets with poop on them where he didn't make it and instead of changing them he just sleeps in it. Spiders/webs all over the place. Garbage running over. He is skin and bones and so fragile looking, I don't know the last time he has had a bath. It is so far gone now I don't even try to clean when I do go there. He goes to bed at 4 in the afternoon (for the night). That is not normal. I am on all his banking with him as there are trust issues with my brother. I just know his quality of life could be so much better than it is. In my opinion he doesn't need to be driving anymore but heaven forbid my brother drive him. (might I add brother doesn't work and is home all day) Daddy is 78 years old.

He sounds depressed.

What do you mean by "filth"? That the furniture hasn't been dusted in 13 years, or that there are rats in the basement? Are there dirty dishes in the sink for weeks on end or open garbage aging there?

If you really are afraid this has become a health issue, then asking APS to check on the situation may be called for. If it is just a matter of Dad living like a slob, maybe that is just a lifestyle choice and doesn't need "fixing."

An obvious solution is to hire someone to do a thorough cleaning and then a service to do routine cleaning every couple of weeks, so it doesn't get so bad. But that depends on Dad having the money and being willing to spend it on something like this, and probably on your brother being willing to supervise.

BTW, I certainly don't think that coercing a man who doesn't want to move and will resist you will all his power on issues like bathing and the cleanliness of his room to come and live with you would be a good solution. Sorry.

If your Dad has been living this way since your Mom passed away 13 years ago, why try to change it now? What does your Dad say about this? If he doesn't mind how he lives, let it be.