My Dad is living in filth. Brother doesn't care. Anyone have any advice?

If your Dad has been living this way since your Mom passed away 13 years ago, why try to change it now? What does your Dad say about this? If he doesn't mind how he lives, let it be.

What do you mean by "filth"? That the furniture hasn't been dusted in 13 years, or that there are rats in the basement? Are there dirty dishes in the sink for weeks on end or open garbage aging there?

If you really are afraid this has become a health issue, then asking APS to check on the situation may be called for. If it is just a matter of Dad living like a slob, maybe that is just a lifestyle choice and doesn't need "fixing."

An obvious solution is to hire someone to do a thorough cleaning and then a service to do routine cleaning every couple of weeks, so it doesn't get so bad. But that depends on Dad having the money and being willing to spend it on something like this, and probably on your brother being willing to supervise.

BTW, I certainly don't think that coercing a man who doesn't want to move and will resist you will all his power on issues like bathing and the cleanliness of his room to come and live with you would be a good solution. Sorry.

He sounds depressed.

Yes, He takes medication for depression. Freqflyer, 13 years ago it wasn't this bad. I didn't have children of my own. Therefore I was able to go more often and somewhat keep the house clean. Now that I have 3 children I cannot go very often. Even when I could go more often it wasn't often enough it was like starting from scratch every visit. Of course he doesn't want to leave his home (who does) but I feel its time. His money has played out he barely has enough to pay his bills, sometimes not enough. He has started asking to borrow money from me and I do give it to him. My brother is useless. Daddy can ask him to help him do something and he will most times start cursing at him because its a bother. Who wants to see their parent(s) live this way when they don't have to.. Jeannequibbs It does need fixing. Its like he has just given up and don't care anymore. What I mean by filth is that there is dishes that never gets washed, bathroom floor slick with urine, toilet is beyond help, bathtub black with mold, bed sheets with poop on them where he didn't make it and instead of changing them he just sleeps in it. Spiders/webs all over the place. Garbage running over. He is skin and bones and so fragile looking, I don't know the last time he has had a bath. It is so far gone now I don't even try to clean when I do go there. He goes to bed at 4 in the afternoon (for the night). That is not normal. I am on all his banking with him as there are trust issues with my brother. I just know his quality of life could be so much better than it is. In my opinion he doesn't need to be driving anymore but heaven forbid my brother drive him. (might I add brother doesn't work and is home all day) Daddy is 78 years old.

Daughter, it's really so sad to read how your father is living, and he's still really so young. He just seems to have given up, as if life is too overwhelming for him.

I'm not an advocate of bringing in APS, but this might be a situation in which they should become involved. Your father's health is most likely affected severely from the conditions; there's no point in him having to suffer any more than he already has.

If funding is an issue, maybe it's time to consider applying for Medicaid.

Yup. Sounds like it needs fixing. He "takes" medication for depression. Are you sure? Having a bottle sitting in the cupboard is not the same as taking it. If he is taking it, it doesn't seem to be working. A visit with the doctor is in order.

Call APS.

I agree with jeanne. He may not be taking his meds. And he may be lonely. Is it possible to have protective or social services or someone to come over a few days a week to check in on him? No one should have to live like that. He may be cranky, but take it in stride and do what is best for him. I know it is hard.

That sounds so sad! My heart goes out to you.

Sounds a bit like he has a hoarding problem which could be a sign of a deeper mental health issue which would need to be addressed either way. He may have developed dementia after his stroke as well.

Self-neglect and resistance to care is always a complicated and difficult issue for families. We must respect the autonomy of our elders. They have the right like everyone else to make poor decisions!! It's only when competence is a concern that we must step in and take steps to intervene.

Either way Protective Services can partner with you to look into getting your dad some help. This is a scenario they are very familiar with and kind of why they exist in the first place.

In my honest opinion this is definitely an APS call because he is at risk from infection to say the very least let alone falls, his house is at risk of infestation if it hasn't got it already and quite frankly his son is not acting appropriately on his behalf - I know that sound harsh but just telling it as I see it from the information you have given. You do need to check on the meds. An incredible amount of people (especially elderly ones) think that once they feel better they don't need to continue the meds.erm hello its the meds that make you and keep you well - I have to tell my mum that almost every day or she too wouldn't take her meds because she doesn't 'feel' ill

I live with my mother who will be 76 on Monday. I moved in to be my father's caregiver when he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. He died in February and my mother has been chose to become a mess during the last 6 months of his life and got much worse. She will not bathe for days (19 was the longest period of time without) will not change clothes for sometimes 6 or7 days straight. She has been hospitalized twice for medication overdose and and acute kidney failure due to simple poor self care. I have power of attorney and itis WORTHLESS. The doctors, nurses and social workers tell me because she is lucid, she can make her own decisions and live how she wants. It is fine for her to not bathe or wear filthy clothes. I am considering moving out. I wish you luck. I understand your brother's possible frustration however. Stubborn parents are EXTREMELY difficult to help.

1karingdaughter,
I would definitely take action. If possible, write everything down. This will help you keep things organized in your mind as well. Take note of his eating, bathing, his living conditions & taking his meds. I greatly relate with sibling trust issues. Set that aside & focus on doing what is best for your dad. Call APS, or reach out to a social worker & talk everything thru with them, & see if you can get someone in there to do a deep clean for the house & how to deal with each point of concern. Your dad needs the intervention. It has to be hard on you- being far away with children, but don't be discouraged. Do all you can from where you are. Take courage, friend! I'm praying for you!!

Maybe he is confused after stroke? You are correct; POA is financial, not about personal decisions unless he's declared legally incompetent by a doctor/judge. APS will make an unexpected visit and cannot divulge who called. (Maybe a neighbor.) can you afford an aide 1-2/week t

I am dealing with something similar with my mother. It's upsetting and hard. I am in a constant state of worry and wondering whether to let it be, since fighting about it with my mom takes such a toll on our relationship, or stepping things up--though not really sure what I can do, since my mom is so stubborn and desperate to retsin independence.

Sorry. Can he afford an aide 1-2/week to help clean, shop, cook, bathe? Assisted living is great if he can afford it and be convinced to move. Brothers (and sisters) sometimes don't see dirt, poor eating, poor hygiene, and understand why it's a problem. My dad got sepsis and almost died. My brothers no longer speak to me because they could not see it. They saw a fridge full of food: I saw a fridge full of ROTTEN food. It's tough. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Why would you hesitate to try and protect your father by calling APS? They are there to help make the situation better and offer some objective suggestions (and maybe orders) in order to keep your father safe. Your brother's attitude toward your father may have more to do with money and what he may inherit. I'm not as concerned about the bathing as I am about proper nutrition. Certainly there are houses which need cleaning, but if this is a hoarding situation, then an immediate intervention needs to occur. Call APS, as all calls are anonymous and let them investigate. You can only do so much from another state, and if your brother does not want to help your father, you can always file for guardianship. Something needs to be done.

Sounds like you are feeling a little guilty for living your life with your children and not having enough time to go and help him too. Don't be! Your children need you. Hours in a day are truly factors beyond your control. Cook the meals for your dad from your OWN house and take them to put in the freezer when your husband can be home to watch the kids while you drive over there. My 92 year old MIL doesn't want to shower either. I have installed grab bars, have a shower seat in the walk in shower, turn on a space heater a half hour before she showers (even in the summer), run hot water to warm the tile walls of the shower..... you name it! I think she is afraid she will fall. My husband finally agreed to a modified shower schedule which went from daily down to Mon, Weds, and Fri, however... I do wash her bottom and change her underwear (depends) on a daily basis whether she likes it or not. She lives with me and this makes it easier (not easy) to do for her. When my father in law died I was too young to understand. When my father died 11 years ago, I saw how hard it is to help those you love leave this world with grace and dignity. My dad was 75. Sometimes it is best to try to work out the issues with your brother. There was a Wall Street Journal article where two brothers fought over mom and decided to get a guardian via the court. Worst decision EVER for them. The guardian companies cleaned the old folks savings out and left them high and dry. The article was just last week if you can find it to read. Best of luck to you. I hope you can not feel guilty and find a way to care for him. You know you could also buy some extra bed sheets so that you can change them when you deliver the food for the freezer. That way you can even take them home to bleach and clean them at your convenience. Then you know they will be changed at least weekly. Don't beat up the sister in law for not doing more. She can only do what her husband will allow her to do because the dad is not her own father. If your brother resists your suggestions? It's a pretty good bet that he resists those of his wife too.....In my case? I can only do for mother in law what my husband will allow.

I had this experience exactly with my dad after my mom died. Here's the deal: he's probably overwhelmed, somewhat forgetful, has diminishing energy and enthusiasm to keep after household tasks, and most of all -- lonely and sad. He's given up. As his concerned daughter, take the bull by the horns and work out some help for him -- whether it's hiring a housekeeper and elder companion to help him during the day, or whether it involves getting him enthused about moving closer to you so you can control things better and be of timely assistance to him on a regular basis. Don't listen to people who say "just let him live that way." That's cold and selfish of them, and heartless. He's your dad and he needs help, and love. Find a way to give him that in his frail years. You'll never regret it.

Im my opinion a call to APS would be best for all. If you bring them in ( have them make a visit without him knowing you called) then you will have some peace of mind either way. If they suggest he needs help you'll know you did the right thing. If they say he is fine ( they probaly wont) you can stop worring. Another set of eyes on the situation will help you sort out whats going on. Your dad is young but since this all started after mom died, it sounds like she was his rock and now he doesnt know how to live without her. Sometimes spouses never recover after a loss so you have to know dad may not get better, but its wonderful you care so much. He's lucky to have you. I am happy to hear you dont let your children go to his home, right now it does not sound like a safe place for them. Please keep us informed on how things are going, and best of luck in your endevors

I was in this situation with both of my parents. You want to call APS because you think your brother is not doing enough and your father is not capable of caring for himself. APS cannot force your brother to change or your father to accept services. To ease your own discomfort over the situation, let your husband care for your children while you spend time with your father attending to those things you think are important. If you build some trust with your dad, expressing your concerns in a gentle way when you are with him, he may eventually be open to the idea of living with you. Your father has the final say in all of this. Reporting to APS will only cause damage to your relationship with your brother and your father.

It sounds like he is a vulnerable adult, something APS would be looking into if advised about it. I wouldn't hesitate to give them a call. There are services that can step in and help him. If your brother is an obstacle, APS can go after him for miss-treatment of a vulnerable adult, I believe. They don't have to say who made the call, just that someone did and by law they have to check up on it.

We lived this scenario, actually, and made it through it. LOs living in similar filth. Sibling "supposedly" taking care of them, except in our situation, the POA gave power over every aspect of their lives including social interaction, so almost every outsider was cut off including us. Angry words often spoken between parents and child. LOs living in fear. very box of elder abuse checked with the exception of sexual. It was a disaster. There are many more details which we won't bore you with...

We called county APS when one of our LOs was out at rehab after having surgery for a runaway abdominal cyst. APS told us -- get this -- that because the other LO not in rehab had complete faculties, it was up to that one to get out of the situation without their help. There is no law against making bad decisions, we were told.

So after a difficult battle, POA was turned over to us.

We were later told that any neighboring county would have acted swiftly. Not ours.

The key to this turning out as a success, besides prayer, was continuing to be there for our LOs. When the lucid one could see what was happening, it was not too much longer before the bums were out and we were in charge, cleaning up the mess.

It turned out that free lodging and a free income were major driving factors for the abuse. Instead, we restored dignity to our LOs, cleaned up their living area, got them in clean clothes, paid off their debts with their money, etc.

In looking into the situation further since then, it also appears that the sibling's & significant other's own mental health and physical health issues coupled with one of our LOs Alzheimer's likely made the whole situation overwhelming for them. Instead of asking for help, they forbid us from visiting for three years while they sucked parents dry.

However...we were never all that successful, even with the help of an aid who came by twice a week, to get them to take a shower or bath, despite having the bathroom all set up to facilitate.

So this situation is solvable from our experience. But it is not going to be fun, and there will likely be hard feelings between you and your brother and his family as you start to push the envelope. For us, our situation created a safety concern.

It seems like your dad needs to be under guardianship. Find an elder law attorney through your local bar association and go from there. That is really the best and kindest thing you can do.

Dept. of Human Services and they will check it out and make sure it is livable and not "filthy".

You and your brother are not the only sources of help your father can call on, you know. In your position - given that a) you have a young family on your hands and b) even more importantly your father doesn't want to move in with you so that c) you're really not able to take over his practical care - I think I'd call his local social services, voice my concerns, and ask them to get round there to assess his living situation.

Meanwhile, for the sake of your own peace of mind, try not to feel responsible for your Dad's welfare. No authority = no responsibility; though of course that doesn't stop you worrying. I wish you every success with stirring up some action on the ground and seeing life improve for your father.

This is an extremely common problem. My mother got to a point where her house was so filthy that I wouldn't let her watch my daughter there anymore. I offered to clean for her one Saturday and she literally chased me out. I thought she was going to hit me. After a number of debilitating medical crises, she ended up in a nursing home.

My father-in-law is 95 and his house is a mess, made worse by a rat infestation and a large pet dog that he can't clean up after. He allows my sister-in-law to help in minimal ways, like taking him to the doctor or bringing food. There is no money for nursing care.

I'd suggest getting APS involved. In NY, they have professional cleaners who will come in and make the house habitable. The other option is to see if you can get him into assisted living or a skilled nursing facility. APS should be able to guide you through the process.

I agree with some of the other posts that someone should be contacted. however you indicate you have 3 children you are caring for, do you really want to add an adult who could care less about anything. how would this affect your family, will it contribute to them starting to care less and make it more difficult for you to handle, do you want to submit your children to someone who hasn't bathed in weeks sitting at a table eating with them, I personally wouldn't want to sit beside someone who has rancid body odor. Not saying you shouldn't care about your father, but maybe (if he would do it), see a doctor and then get some kind of service to come in and clean once a week and someone to make sure he is bathing at least 2 times a week. remember you have those 3 children to take care of so IF you overwork yourself in other areas and get sick, who will then care for your family and your father?

If an elder can no longer afford to take care of their house, it is time to sell and downsize into something easier to maintain cost wise. Or use the profits from the sale of the house for a continuing care facility.

I was able to arrange a "housekeeper/caregiver" for 3 hours a week for my father. This caregiver person keeps things relatively tidy, helps my father shower every other week, takes him to grocery for food. My dad gets this service through his insurance company at no cost to him. Would your dad be open to something like this? This would make it so you don't have to be the one bossing your dad around, and in my experience, that is key.

I understand my mother house is filthy and she does not clean it. she claims she wants to make a change but it has not happened and does not happen unless I take the action to start cleaning. She gets mad but then she is happy with the results. I will say that if it is too bad of conditions , APS may seek to have your father put in Assisted Living to get better care and they will see to it that he bathes. This happened to my dad, we attempted to have him come home and the house was not clean and care would be too costly. Contacting APS is a good move and they can help you move in the right direction. I will be praying for you.

Karing, It is understandable you would feel this way. The fact that you want better for your dad shows that you want to help. Sometimes these messes go so long & so deep, a person can't figure out how or where to start. So, they live with or around the mess. I say, go for it & take care of the cleaning up however you want. If you choose to hire someone &/or do the work yourself--- prepare a plan, then implement it. There was a time when our parents wanted better for us--- while growing up. We just needed a little help from our parents to get us to see life could be better in spite of our protests that we didn't care if our room was messy, for instance. But, once we got it clean---- Whoa! It was like having a new beginning again! You are a wise & loving & caring daughter! Do what you want to do to help out. YOU will feel better having done something positive for your dad--even if you don't feel it's appreciated by others--- doesn't matter. Before you call APS, let your bro know when you will be there to effect your clean-up plans. Afterward, having someone come in & clean on a regular basis is, I think, a terrific idea. You are on the right track & I commend you! Please let us know how things develop. Take care! blou