My Dad is living in filth. Brother doesn't care. Anyone have any advice?

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My Dad had a stroke about 14years ago. A year after the stroke my Mother passed away. Everything went down hill from there. Im at a loss as what to do. I dont live in the same state as him and have 3 children to care for as well. My brother on the other hand lives next door to him. Dads house is filthy, he doesnt bathe, and doeant eat very much either. I have tried to get him to move in with me so I can take care of him but he says NO. My brother says to just let him live the way he wants and if he doesnt want to bathe dont make him. The only thing that I can see that his wife does for Dad is to write his checks for his bills. My brother has told me that I should come there every weekend and prepare food for Dad for the week and freeze it. My husband and I do not have any family that can help with our children and I dont like them going to Dads house because of the filth. My brother says that he will never let Daddy come and live with me. I cannot for the life of understand him you would think he would be packing him up because he sure isnt taking care of him. Im at wits end. It hurts my heart so much to see him living the way he is and I dont know where to turn now. I cant get Dad to sign over POA to me. I am considering contacting protective services but I really hate to do that. Anyone else have any advice?

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What do you mean by "filth"? That the furniture hasn't been dusted in 13 years, or that there are rats in the basement? Are there dirty dishes in the sink for weeks on end or open garbage aging there?

If you really are afraid this has become a health issue, then asking APS to check on the situation may be called for. If it is just a matter of Dad living like a slob, maybe that is just a lifestyle choice and doesn't need "fixing."

An obvious solution is to hire someone to do a thorough cleaning and then a service to do routine cleaning every couple of weeks, so it doesn't get so bad. But that depends on Dad having the money and being willing to spend it on something like this, and probably on your brother being willing to supervise.

BTW, I certainly don't think that coercing a man who doesn't want to move and will resist you will all his power on issues like bathing and the cleanliness of his room to come and live with you would be a good solution. Sorry.
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I live with my mother who will be 76 on Monday. I moved in to be my father's caregiver when he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. He died in February and my mother has been chose to become a mess during the last 6 months of his life and got much worse. She will not bathe for days (19 was the longest period of time without) will not change clothes for sometimes 6 or7 days straight. She has been hospitalized twice for medication overdose and and acute kidney failure due to simple poor self care. I have power of attorney and itis WORTHLESS. The doctors, nurses and social workers tell me because she is lucid, she can make her own decisions and live how she wants. It is fine for her to not bathe or wear filthy clothes. I am considering moving out. I wish you luck. I understand your brother's possible frustration however. Stubborn parents are EXTREMELY difficult to help.
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He sounds depressed.
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If your Dad has been living this way since your Mom passed away 13 years ago, why try to change it now? What does your Dad say about this? If he doesn't mind how he lives, let it be.
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Daughter, it's really so sad to read how your father is living, and he's still really so young. He just seems to have given up, as if life is too overwhelming for him.

I'm not an advocate of bringing in APS, but this might be a situation in which they should become involved. Your father's health is most likely affected severely from the conditions; there's no point in him having to suffer any more than he already has.

If funding is an issue, maybe it's time to consider applying for Medicaid.
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Yup. Sounds like it needs fixing. He "takes" medication for depression. Are you sure? Having a bottle sitting in the cupboard is not the same as taking it. If he is taking it, it doesn't seem to be working. A visit with the doctor is in order.

Call APS.
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That sounds so sad! My heart goes out to you.

Sounds a bit like he has a hoarding problem which could be a sign of a deeper mental health issue which would need to be addressed either way. He may have developed dementia after his stroke as well.

Self-neglect and resistance to care is always a complicated and difficult issue for families. We must respect the autonomy of our elders. They have the right like everyone else to make poor decisions!! It's only when competence is a concern that we must step in and take steps to intervene.

Either way Protective Services can partner with you to look into getting your dad some help. This is a scenario they are very familiar with and kind of why they exist in the first place.
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Sorry. Can he afford an aide 1-2/week to help clean, shop, cook, bathe? Assisted living is great if he can afford it and be convinced to move. Brothers (and sisters) sometimes don't see dirt, poor eating, poor hygiene, and understand why it's a problem. My dad got sepsis and almost died. My brothers no longer speak to me because they could not see it. They saw a fridge full of food: I saw a fridge full of ROTTEN food. It's tough. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Im my opinion a call to APS would be best for all. If you bring them in ( have them make a visit without him knowing you called) then you will have some peace of mind either way. If they suggest he needs help you'll know you did the right thing. If they say he is fine ( they probaly wont) you can stop worring. Another set of eyes on the situation will help you sort out whats going on. Your dad is young but since this all started after mom died, it sounds like she was his rock and now he doesnt know how to live without her. Sometimes spouses never recover after a loss so you have to know dad may not get better, but its wonderful you care so much. He's lucky to have you. I am happy to hear you dont let your children go to his home, right now it does not sound like a safe place for them. Please keep us informed on how things are going, and best of luck in your endevors
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JoAnn, I don't think she should even be expected to cook and clean for her father in law. I can just imagine it, brother sitting at home having a beer and watching the game while she picks up after his father. Today most women work outside the home, if anyone should be popping over to clean up it is the brother, not his wife.
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