Hey all,
I posted recently about my dad struggling in respite and thanks all for brilliant advice.
I'm struggling with my mum… She expects me to do everything. I said the other day, "Mum, there’s no pleases or thank yous and we’re bickering. I think we need a few days off each other." (Not like me, but I’m exhausted.)
Dad then got a UTI, had doc appt yesterday morning, which I attended. Mum was meant to be at her own doc, so she couldn’t go anyway and went to visit him in the afternoon. (The home is 10 mins walk from mum with the view she could visit whenever she wanted. She's 83. She still wants to do her own thing, hates being scheduled). Now she says we should be going together. I live 30 mins drive away. I'm going each day, so her attitude is you drive near the house, you can take me, it’s better for your dad to have us together. She doesn’t like the admin of a visit (booking, forms, lateral flow COVID tests). Equally, I know she can’t handle seeing dad upset and crying,
When he was in hospital recently, she would happily take a day off. I didn’t as I was either driver or visitor, aside from one day I had to work and couldn’t get there.
I don’t want mum reliant on me for these visits. Dad could have another 3 weeks in respite if we can get him to stay, and I want her to have the confidence to do this herself and go when she wants. I’ve taken a few days off work this week for a break - to get some energy back, get centred, see straight and get back to being supportive, and that’s not happening now…..
Any tips? Am I being a brat?
thanks for your advice
my mum is that 83 year old who would have organised a holiday for herself, these last few months she’s got more reliant on me and I’m now seeing the pattern.
I went yesterday in my own, dad was shouting moaning at the carers - who I think are fab- I pretty much shouted dad stop it! The carer who was washing him held his hand up in a calming way, and shook his head. but let’s be honest that’s a sign of me burning out.
dads antibiotics for his UTI took over 30 Hours to get delivered, his catheter bag tap broke and they didn’t have any spares, I was stressed, but you’re right no one’s getting respite and I wonder if it’s not helping him settle.
ill do that with the “mum” day
thanks all, I really appreciate it, it’s new territory for me xxx
Going to visit every day is not getting you a break and it is not getting mom a break.
(probably would have been better to place him in respite a bit further away.)
Seeing her husband cry each day is not helping her mentally, emotionally. And seeing her every day might be upsetting dad. Not fully understanding why she comes and goes and he remains. If you can convince mom that dad will calm down and be able to relax more if she does not visit daily might help both of them.
You have to set boundries and not give in. If you don't she and Dad will run u ragged.
she did exactly that to me yesterday - I came out with a list of jobs to sort.
I think I gotta toughen up a bit and get them boundaries in place. At least boundaries are better than blow ups which is what happened after I posted and got another few things to sort out and I went argh!! 😤 better now but not really good for anyone,
thanks Beatty, your advice is always fab 👍🏻
But Mom is being.. dare I say.. manipulative?
She may be feeling a little lost at sea without Dad. What better than to have the daughter take the oars & row her wherever & whenever she wants... 🛶
I feel boundaries are going to be needed with Mom. Otherwise that slippery slope is before you. That "I just need you to... abc-xyz".
The drive to ONE appointment that blows out to two appointments, a parcel pickup, few groceries, buy lunch, then home & some light housecleaning (for her). Then "What time are you coming tomorrow?" 😭
It can sneak up due to memory problems, cognitive decline, anxiety or just normal loneliness.
Sneak a peak at Mom's calender. If the only name on it is yours.. maybe time to start selling Assisted Living!