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Background- Dad refuses to leave the house, he can’t drive but has a scooter. He also has positive cash flow, yet is a tightwad and mooches off neighbors/friends for drives to the store, doctor, etc and have pity on him. His negativity and criticism make him tough to deal with during visits, hence we only visit quarterly. He also lacks motivation to exercise, sleeps 12+ hours a day and now wants an electric wheelchair because as he puts it, “he can’t walk “. He successfully recovered from colon cancer surgery 5 years ago, but had type 2 diabetes and chronic kidney disease. Not sure where we are headed but as a family we’re extremely concerned .

I am surprised with type 2 diabetes and kidney failure he is still alive because I bet he is not taking care of himself.
These type of people you do what your doing, stay away. Do well checks with APS every so often.
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jtorres1937 Oct 5, 2025
Thanks for your feedback JoAnn. You’re correct, he has a long history of not taking care of himself. He drank rum & Coke excessively for many years until diabetes set in. His lack of following doctor’s recommendations re: nutrition was tossed by the wayside. The only thing keeping him alive is medication. He’s been extremely reactive to most everything in his life and doesn’t care to listen to sound advice. It’s a mindset that will never change. Some call it hard headed or stubborn. However not listening to professional advice and thinking you know better is plain ignorance.
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Since your Dad is uncooperative with anyone I would advise you not to become responsible for his care. Should he need more care than he currently has this should be reported to APS. Do not take on POA for him. Let the authorities know he is a senior at risk, and why he is at risk (the things you told us) and that you cannot be responsible for his care, but consider him "at risk" and are requesting evaluation for him in terms of requiring guardianship of the state.
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jtorres1937 Oct 5, 2025
Great advice AlvaDeer. Thank you for your input and sincere feedback.
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Nothing you described seems like cognitive problems. He just has Old Jerk Syndrome. And you are already well away of this "diagnosis".

You can't be more concerned about his health than he is. I would give him plenty of distance and allow his neighbors to burn out trying to cater to him. They'll figure it out, eventually. Then when they contact you, that will be the time to assess whether you should or can step in.

If he doesn't have a PoA, this is the trajectory anyway. You and your family will have no power (aka legal ability) to make him do things that are in his best interests. Even with this authority it is very difficult to get a stubborn, resistant adult to cooperate. You will either need to pursue guardianship through the courts, or report him to APS until they put him on a track for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian.

If someone in the family is his PoA, then this person needs to read the document. If it is "durable", then their power is active right now. If it is "springing", this usually means at least 1 formal medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment sufficient to require intervention is needed for activation.

I wish you success in seeing what healthy boundaries are in this situation.
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jtorres1937 Oct 5, 2025
Thank you Geaton777. Responses like your and others allow me to keep my sanity in check. I often say that we care more about him than he cares for himself. And he definitely has his neighbors fooled into believing he’s all alone struggling to survive. I’ve offered to deliver food and call Uber for rides to no avail. He’s content on mooching and playing the poor me card and it works for him. But you’re correct, the others will soon catch on.
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If you only see your dad every 3 months how do you know that he sleeps 12+ hours /day and isn't motivated? It sounds like under the circumstances with all his health issues that he's doing quite well on his own.
And yes, I'm sure there will come a day when he won't be able to live on his own, and then he'll have to move himself into the appropriate facility. If you or someone else are not his POA, you won't have a say in anything anyway, so you may just have to let the state take over his care.
So for now if seeing your dad every 3 months is too much for you, perhaps you may want to cut down to just twice a year, and keep any conversations with him short and sweet.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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jtorres1937 Oct 5, 2025
Thank you for your sound advice. Greatly appreciated!
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I have read of other posters on here limiting their exposure to negativity/verbal abuse by hanging up, walking away, etc. when it starts up. Setting very firm boundaries and sticking to them. Since you didn’t indicate that your father has dementia or another condition that can cause uncharacteristic behavior that the person may not be able to control, if unfortunately this is how he’s always been, you should definitely stand up for yourself and encourage other family members to do the same. Abuse is not OK.
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jtorres1937 Oct 5, 2025
Thank you for your advice. It is very helpful and serves to remind me that bad behavior should not be tolerated.
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Back off and let him be who he is. Nobody should tolerate verbal abuse from someone they are helping. If he lives alone fine, let him deal with his life himself, and don't help him.
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jtorres1937 Oct 5, 2025
Terrific, spot on advice. Thank you Dawn for sharing and being a voice of reason.
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