I have no solutions for you but plenty of similar experience and sympathy. I finally, last year at age 96, got my dad into assisted living. Prior to that, despite his being blind, mostly deaf and living a two story house, he refused to move. He had a cleaning lady every two weeks that did essentially nothing, and every modest step I would take to get additional help with laundry or cooking he would be so hateful to them they would quit after just a few weeks. He refused to eat anything I cooked so even though I lived just a few blocks away I couldn't bring him meals. I got him certified for Meals-on-Wheels but he refused delivery. Finally I was ordering delivery - pizza, UberEats,GrubHub - every night - even when I was out of town (and once from Europe) I would stop and have him tell me what he wanted and then have it delivered. Our final moment was when I was on a short vacation and he had a very, very minor medical problem (contact dermatitis) for which he needed to apply a cream and he couldn't do it himself. I had to fly home to apply cream. At that point I basically said he either moved or I just stopped trying to do anything for him including maintenece/upkeep on his home. I figured in about a month he would realize he'd be out of food (I did all the shopping), he would have missed Dr's appointments (I did all the scheduling/driving), and he would have had no visitors. His local primary care physician was absolutely no help as he just kept saying that my dad was in amazing health. He continued fighting the idea but when presented with the paperwork he did sign the lease on the assisted living apartment. A year later he is still telling me he'd be better off at his old house (which is sold) but he also admits that his transition would have been easier had he done it when he could see and hear better so he could participate in more activities and make some friends. So, I wish I had some magic words to help you but I finally had to utilize the "tough love" approach. Now I visit about 3 days each week, and have him to my house for Sunday breakfast.
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Reply to jkm999

Ask him if he will at least tour a few places. I think he probably has the wrong idea about AL.
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Reply to lkdrymom

If you are only pushing AL because he is 91 and stubborn he probably will not consent.

If he needs help look into a house cleaner, have a weekly chef prepare meals and that type of service to help him retain his independence.

We have to have certain needs, verified by a doctor to qualify for placement. May be CA is different but you check it out.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Kirk5576 Jan 24, 2019
Thanks for your response. He doesn't want anybody in his house (stubborn).

I've put this to him several times(in a kind/understanding way) and still I get the same response. Meanwhile he is living in filth/squalor. By the way he is a wealthy individual who shouldn't have to live that way.

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