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my Mom refuses to recognize how far along my dad's Alzheimer’s is. She thinks he’s ‘faking’ it and constantly berates him when he does something wrong or doesn’t understand what she means. They have always had a dysfunction relationship and my mom always has to be right. I recently helped them move into an independent living facility where they have their meals prepared for them, activities, cleaning and other services available to them. My mom is diabetic, refuses to monitor her blood sugar and has every medical problem associated with diabetes, neuropathy, pain everywhere, ulcers on her feet, two amputated toes and her mind is not what it used to be. She also had a spinal fusion two years ago and last year 3 knee replacements because she had a septic infection from her picking disorder. I could go on and on about her issues. I care for my parents, there is no one else. My brother doesn’t help, but visits ocassionally, but is not available the way I am. I’m exhausted, resentful and truly cannot stand my mom anymore. She does nothing to help herself and is hateful to my dad who actually loves her and needs her help to do things like find the cafeteria to eat. He was a 250 pound man in his younger years, he’s 114 now. I’m at the point where I don’t know what to keep them safe from each other. I spend more time with and worry about my parents than my own kids.

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If someone witnesses the hitting, someone in IL may report it or call 911...then you have a whole other problem that will create a crisis and need immediate attention. My sweet MIL (who had memory issues and mild dementia) allegedly slapped her husband and the in-home aid from social services *heard* it and reported it and they removed my stepFIL from the home so fast it made our heads spin (he was a vulnerable adult with Parkinsons and Lewy Body).
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Move them into Assisted Living that also has Memory Care; mom goes into AL IF she doesn't have dementia going on, which I suspect she does, but it may not be advanced to the point where she needs MC. Dad goes straight into Memory Care where he will get away from his abusive wife and also get the proper care he needs. Independent Living is for independent seniors; not a couple who has a list of health issues longer than a roll of toilet paper, let's face it. They can live in the same building, just not in the same apartment. Then, mom can go see him once in a while if it suits her to do so.

My mother was also hateful towards my father, always accusing him of faking his issues, his pain, and being such a terrible burden to her with his wheelchair that hit the corners of their apartment in AL. Well, he'd had about enough of her BS towards the end of his life & their fights were terrible. If he didn't pass away, I seriously think he'd have wanted a divorce after 68 years living with an abusive wife! It used to aggravate me NO END what she did to him. Nowadays she's 95 w advanced dementia and in a wheelchair herself! You should see the condition of HER apartment from hitting the walls with it. And HER pain is real, of course, which is sad but ironic at the same time. I always say, what goes around comes around.

I do feel that once your parents are properly placed and getting the right care, you can stop worrying about them so much & spending THAT much time with them b/c they'll have the care and management required to relax you a bit. That's the right thing to do.

Best of luck
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"..not available the way I am."

Mmm. What if you weren't so available? Lived too far? Were another brother? 😁 Took off for a round the world cruise?

Stepping back is easier said than done. It involves letting go a bit. Involving more other people for their care. So get that in place & rejoin your own life (now where did I put that?)

I agree with MJ on level of care. Time to reassess this.

Is there a Facility Manager? Arrange a meeting. Ask what happens when their needs exceed IL. (Would happen ALL the time). Does a needs assessment need to be done? If so, arrange that & see what comes of it.

Where I live an Aged Care Assessment Team can work in with PT & Dr reports to recommend IL, AL or MC.

I will add - it is sad when couples have to be split, but then again, when both have different needs it can be a relief too. If in the same facility they can meet for daily visits. This can work very well. Esp if neither recognises the other needs more help & can't provide it themself.
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Neither one of them belongs in independent living. Dad needs memory care, and Mom needs assisted living at the very least and probably MC, too. She doesn't sound too with it in the head either.

You can't allow Dad to keep whacking on Mom no matter how obnoxious she is. Move them to the proper level of care, because they aren't in it.
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